Well, the doctor didn't do much... just said I need to eat a little something before starting my day. She said Americans are so busy that we forget to take care of ourselves. Bahaha! Yeah right. I gotta fuel up for my hectic day of laying around flipping through channels. Mom was mad...she wanted them to run blood tests and stuff. In stead of spending all of my time on the internet, I watch TV. Quite the trade-off, no? And I've added tons of music to my library and haven't felt any interest to listen to any of it. I still have a bunch from awhile back to listen to and de-clutter. Bah. My good friend (A) from high school mentioned something about trying to get together more and do stuff over the summer, since we don't see each other everyday at school anymore. This is my chance to actually get out and do stuff, like I've been wanting. But when I think about it...I dread getting the call from her or my other friend (S) who wants to get together. Why? I dunno...it's really dumb. Last week I went to A.'s old house that her family rents to their relatives and I stood around and watched them do yardwork and listened to them jabber in Punjabi. I would've helped but there weren't enough tools to go around and there's only so much everyone can do. It was boring and we could barely even talk w/ the lawnmower rumbling over our voices. Then, her and her younger brother dropped me off at my house and we sat around talking. But it was mostly her brother (he's very annoying) and after awhile I was getting bored. But I had to be polite; this is my friend after all. Sometimes I think I'm only happy when I'm miserable. And I have no reason to be this way...I just create problems out of nothing. Bah.

Well, I found out that I at least got credit for my logic class. So, that's a huge relief. Nothing is worse than failing a class that you pay for and then having to repeat it; thus shelling out more money for said class that you already took. Paying for school sucks balls. I did well in my other classes, but my GPA is still below 3.0...something that I have never experienced. EVER. ~ And...I weighed myself a few days ago...101 pounds. Not good. I don't intentionally try to weigh practically nothing. I look at myself and am unhappy with my body. I feel like I don't look like I weigh so little. But I don't starve myself. At school, I mainly lived off of ramen, because I didn't like eating in the dining halls. But since I've been back home, I've been eating fairly regularly. All junk except for what Mom makes for dinner, which isn't that healthy either...but better. The result? Today I passed out. Mom was talking to me; I had just gotten up and was gonna go on the treadmill - something I do everyday as soon as I get up - and all of a sudden I felt really nauseous. I was this close to running to the bathroom to hurl and the next thing I know I am lying on the floor. I ended up throwing up a little bile. But as soon as I regained consciousness, I stood up and shrugged at Mom. No big deal. I didn't feel bad or anything. She thought maybe I was faking to make her stop talking; that I was bored with her and messing around. She's already told my brother and sister-in-law and she made a doctor's appointment to check me out. When my other brother (who lives with us) found out he kept making fun of me and laughing about it. I thought it was funny. *shrugs* But now Mom keeps making comments about me losing weight and "wasting away". She weighed me and it had gone up to 102.5...she comments on me going from 110 to 102.5 (I don't remember when I weighed myself to find out I weighed 110), but not about the fact that 102 for anybody my age is unhealthy and pretty unnatural. [...You Should Probably Just Shoot Me In The Head Now...] In my junior year of high school. I passed out at school. Because I didn't eat breakfast and I would go all day without really eating anything, sometimes nothing at all. Not until I get home. Then I would use the treadmill before eating anything. But that's because I didn't want cramps. It's not good to work out after just eating something, and I didn't feel like waiting. ...do I have a problem? There's still the spot on the carpet where I threw up.

I think that pretty much sums up my Logic final. I am hours away from leaving this miserable place for the next 3 months. Soon, I can be miserable in the comfort of my own home. I'm also eating my last ramen for the next 3 months. I'm going to try to eat REAL food. You know, like bagel bites and ham sandwiches. Real food.

This Won't Be Quick. Or easy. ohshitohshitohshit I'm NOT looking forward to Weds. final. Philosophy 102: Intro to Logic. It was supposed to be an easier alternative to an actual math class. I'm starting to doubt my logic. I have no idea how to discern a valid argument from an invalid, b/c the rules are exactly the same....how the hell am I supposed to know if true premise/true conclusion is valid if it can be invalid too?! I don't get it!! Oh, and than I have formal proofs. Somehow I manage to solve the damn thing in 1 or 2 steps, while the prof will solve it in 9 or 10! Where the hell is he pulling these steps out? His ass?? I haven't the foggiest idea of where to start and how to continue. BUT... I can't do that until I prove it valid/invalid. If it's invalid, I don't even need to do a formal proof. So, it's all connected and if I screw one part up, I could very well screw up the rest of the problem. GAH!! ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshittttt OH SHIT. I'm screwed. And my liberal studies final was less than stellar...if I had studied more, I could have provided much more detailed answers, rather than half-assing it. At least he is a somewhat easy grader...as long as I have some decent, accurate info, he gives points. On the essays...I didn't even have conclusion paragraphs!!! Eh. I'm so sorry, beautiful Professor Stoops. I've failed you!! XD (Inside joke b/t roommate and me)

Gooooiiiinnng Annnyyyywwherrrrrre!! Last night, S. and I were both in the dorm room. I read while she worked on her paper. She craved a milkshake so we decided to hop on a bus at midnight to go downtown. But, Bham is too sleepy for late night escapades - everything that might've served us a milkshake was CLOSED. Only the bars and clubs were open (the very few that we have). We ended up standing on a streetcorner for 15 minutes watching the people leave the bars in their nightlife best as we waited for the bus. Then we rode around town hunting down our saccharine booty. (XD That sounds so dirrrrrty) Turns out Wendy's is open late, but only the drive-thru. Luckily, Haggen's is open 24 hours, so we each got one a pint of Ben & Jerry's. YUM!! We ran into some of S.'s HILARIOUS friends and we hitched a ride in their tiny run-down 80's Honda, with S. sitting in the trunk. Which she enjoyed immensely. Last night was so fun! And that...upsets me. I'm so STARVED for companionship and fun. I hardly leave my dorm except for class and to study in the library. I would kill for the chance to do these types of things more often. It's like Mom always tells me: "with all the people that go to your school, you'd think you'd meet SOMEONE." Thanks mom, that does wonders for my self-esteem, my self-woth. God. I hope next year is better. I need to try harder, stop being so damn self-conscious and afraid. Just smile and inroduce myself and start talking. I don't feel depressed or suicidal. But who knows? The longer I stay like this, maybe the more likely I am to developed such frightening thoughts.

This time next week I will be home for the summer! Tra-la-la!! I'm so relieved. Today, I only have one more class and than I only have finals to worry about next week. w00t. And how perfect is it to finish the week out w/ Stoops' dashing good looks and his smexy black jeans? ;) I'm gonna miss that laugh of his. :C gahahaha!

So, I applied for the Desk Attendent job for next year... and didn't get it. Leave it to me to NOT get the easiest job on campus. All I have to do is hand out trash bags and toilet paper. Occasionally I'd sort the mail. Apparently, I'm not fit for that level of work. When I tell my parents, then eventually my brothers will find out. I'll have to listen to them joke about it for the rest of my life. About what a helpless loser I am. I think I'm starting to realize that I have a ton of growing up to do. Sure, I know college is important, but what did I ever do to deserve the privilege of attending? I've floated through school - through life doing the bare minimum and getting away with it. I'm am so dependent on my parents, friends. I think that loneliness and low self-esteem are problems. But so what? I only PERCEIVE them as problems. Those aren't problems. They are easily fixed. What? I have no friends? Than I should quit bitching and whining and do something about it if I hate it so damn much. I need to stop being a little pussy and start taking responsibilty for my life. Stop pouting every time something doesn't go my way. Start appreciating everything that is handed to me. Because it is, whether other people like it or not. I need to change my way of thinking. I also need to learn to keep my mouth shut. :)

Yay for signatures! Still doesn't make me feel any better after hearing the terrible news yesterday. Man, I'm gonna be hearing about it for the rest of my life. :C

I've been agonizing over my looks a lot lately. Like my loneliness, I have these bouts of extreme disgust and displeasure in everything about myself. It's silly and shallow and immature. But I cannot help it. People always say that everyone feels this way sometimes and that it gets better with age; you realize that it is, in fact, silly. But it can't all be chalked up to age, can it? Because I'm only 18? Well, I certainly hope so. And I hope it's true what they say about acne and age - that it improves once you get older. I can't remember when this is supposed to happen. Soon, I hope. Like when I still have my "youth"; although most of the time I feel as though I'm 18 going on 80. Like Topanga says in the episode she develops a crush on Cory's older brother, Eric: "I have a very old soul". Just make sure you whippersnappers keep off mah lawn! *shakes cane menacingly*

I took that colorquiz that I found a few weeks ago. It worked this time. Your Existing Situation: Pursues her objectives and her own-self-interest with stubborn determination; refuses to compromise or make concessions. [Psh. No, not really. At least, I don't think so...??] Your Stress Sources: The situation is regarded as threatening or dangerous. Outraged by the thought that she will be unable to achieve her goals and distressed at the feeling of helplessness to remedy this. Over-extended and feels beset, possibly to the point of nervous prostration. [??? I certainly don't feel that way.] Your Restrained Characteristics: Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship. Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life. [Well...I do have an unrealistic vision of what kind of guy I'd like to date. I don't know about the "emotionally unattached" part, though.] Your Desired Objective: Longs for sensitive and sympathetic understanding and wants to protect herself against argument, conflict, or any exhausting stresses. [Maybe...Yeah, it kinda makes sense] Your Actual Problem: Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be. [YES!!] Just as I thought - no real, deep insight. No real answers about the person that I truly am on the inside, whether I knew it or not. Go figure. ;) And here I thought Google could do everything!