I've been agonizing over my looks a lot lately. Like my loneliness, I have these bouts of extreme disgust and displeasure in everything about myself. It's silly and shallow and immature. But I cannot help it. People always say that everyone feels this way sometimes and that it gets better with age; you realize that it is, in fact, silly. But it can't all be chalked up to age, can it? Because I'm only 18? Well, I certainly hope so. And I hope it's true what they say about acne and age - that it improves once you get older. I can't remember when this is supposed to happen. Soon, I hope. Like when I still have my "youth"; although most of the time I feel as though I'm 18 going on 80. Like Topanga says in the episode she develops a crush on Cory's older brother, Eric: "I have a very old soul". Just make sure you whippersnappers keep off mah lawn! *shakes cane menacingly*

I took that colorquiz that I found a few weeks ago. It worked this time. Your Existing Situation: Pursues her objectives and her own-self-interest with stubborn determination; refuses to compromise or make concessions. [Psh. No, not really. At least, I don't think so...??] Your Stress Sources: The situation is regarded as threatening or dangerous. Outraged by the thought that she will be unable to achieve her goals and distressed at the feeling of helplessness to remedy this. Over-extended and feels beset, possibly to the point of nervous prostration. [??? I certainly don't feel that way.] Your Restrained Characteristics: Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship. Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life. [Well...I do have an unrealistic vision of what kind of guy I'd like to date. I don't know about the "emotionally unattached" part, though.] Your Desired Objective: Longs for sensitive and sympathetic understanding and wants to protect herself against argument, conflict, or any exhausting stresses. [Maybe...Yeah, it kinda makes sense] Your Actual Problem: Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be. [YES!!] Just as I thought - no real, deep insight. No real answers about the person that I truly am on the inside, whether I knew it or not. Go figure. ;) And here I thought Google could do everything!

Artist: Fall Out Boy CD: From Under The Cork Tree Another depressing one... And no, I don't mean b/c it's FOB, which is a depressing thought in and of itself. ;) Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "best friends" We're the kids who feel like dead ends And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses I took a shot and didn't even come close At trust and love and hope And the poets are just kids who didn't make it And never had it at all And the record won't stop skipping And the lies just won't stop slipping And besides my reputation's on the line We can fake it for the airwaves Force our smiles, baby, half dead From comparing myself to everyone else around me Please put the doctor on the phone 'cause I'm not making any sense Blame everyone but me for this mess And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart We never seemed so far I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough But we never had it at all Chorus Well, I know people say it's about Pete and his difficulty dealing w/ their impending MTV success...but that's lame and not applicable to me! So... I feel like a "dead end" sometimes, like I'm stuck in a rut and can't get out. I try to stick my neck out and it backfires, which just causes me to withdraw even further into my shell. I'm constantly comparing myself to...well...everyone else around me. It sounds cheesy and doesn't seem to convey how it really makes me feel. Maybe the song only "touches" me when I'm sincerely feeling low. Otherwise, it seems silly. I will admit that I do like Fall Out Boy. I have no reason to be ashamed of my music choices. I like their music, but I'm not a hardcore fan and don't plan on attending any shows. I didn't bother buying their new CD, b/c I didn't like it. It's annoying hearing about them all the time and seeing them everywhere. But that won't deter me from listening to TTTYG and FUTCT - I sincerely like those CDs. *shrugs* Same thing w/ Panic At The Disco. I bought the first CD, but it was terrible, except a few select songs - all of the radio singles, naturally. I don't understand how ppl could obsess over them and go crazy over such contrived, silly pretenses ! It's one of those cases of fangirls equating good looks to talent. Half of the time, when I hear comments about Fall Out Boy or PATD, it's about how cute one of the bandmembers looks and than some silly side thought about how much they enjoy such-and-such song. Of course, ppl can say the same thing about AFI - and many ppl do - but at least their lyrics are deep and creative; they're beautiful and well-thought out! Sure, they're dark, but so what? Many ppl can relate the lyrics because as you might've noticed from reading other people's journals or blogs, or even looking at your own...life is tough sometimes, it isn't all sunshine and buttercups. AFI isn't gothic - They're realistic!! It's called life experience, people. I listen to it for the music, not the bandmembers.

I'll start that song thing sooner than I thought. It's not like I have anything else to do. I think I'll post the lyrics too, to help ppl understand better. Twenty-six years and seems like I've just begun To understand my, my intimate is no one When the director sold the show, who bought its last rites? They cut the cast, the music, and the lights This is my line, this is eternal How did I ever end up here? Discarnate, preternatural My prayers to disappear Absent of grace, marked as infernal Ungranted in dead time left me disowned To this nature, so unnatural I remain alone Twenty-six years end, still speaking in these tongues Such revelations while understood by no one When the new actor stole the show, who questioned his grace? Please clear the house of ill-aquired taste Chorus Give me something, give me something Give me something, give me something Give me something, give me something real I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle Everyday another small piece can't be found I lay strewn across the floor, pieced up in sorrow The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit Pieced together incomplete and empty Chorus (x2) I've been listening to this song alot lately. AFI is my favorite band and Sing The Sorrow is my favorite CD by them, but I never really felt that I related to it. I just liked how it sounded and thought their music/ lyrics were beautifully written. But more and more, I find that it does relate to my life - this song especially. Since starting college, I've been so, so lonely. I have virtually no friends, I only hang out w/ my roommate and only every once in a while. I barely talk to the few friends that I have from high school. But this feeling of loneliness and despair has been hanging over my head since the later years of grade school, when I started feeling like a tag-along w/ my old group of friends. Even when I started middle school and found friends more like me, I always feared they didn't really like me and that I was a just another tag-along. I've really changed since grade school. I've become more cynical and desensitized. Apathy is one word to describe my attitude towards most of anything. I don't know if it's just because I'm growing up and it was bound to happen. Even school: I care about grades and doing well. But I barely put any effort into it and still manage to do pretty well. I always say that I could probably get nearly perfect scores if I actually put effort into studying, rather than skimming over my notes. There are a couple of classes where I barely passed. But I never consciously feel stressed, even if I get a low score on a test. I figure: "there's always the next test". Oh, right...the song. Well... I feel like I'll never find anyone - a friend or lover who really cares about me; with whom I can be intimate. Even with my closer friends or my family, I have trouble truly opening up or discussing certain things. I feel like I barely exist, like I'm merely a shadow passing from one class to another and nobody really acknowledges me - unless I somehow manage to make a fool of myself and attract their attention. I wish I could disappear, because, honestly, who would notice? Sure people would notice and miss me...but for how long? How long before I fade into obscurity? I'm not talking about my parents. Or even my brothers. Unfortunately, I don't count them in when I feel like this...I want a FRIEND. Families are supposed to "be there for you no matter what". Although, I know some families do not fall into this stereotype. Falling back on my family feels so unfulfilling. They can't help me get through college (well, financially they can and ARE). My family probably wouldn't understand. They'd probably just make fun of me (like they do about everything) and make me feel lower than low. Dad's unsympathetic. We've had a couple of conversations about trying to make friends. Tears stung my eyes as I tried to find the words to explain how hard it is to put myself out there to meet people. He says that I'm not trying hard enough. I'm really judgmental about ppl...but everyone else is the same way. But... I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. I make myself hate a potential friend because I've already convinced myself that they won't like me. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much into it. Maybe I really don't want to try. Maybe I'm just trying to make excuses. Like the puzzle I can't solve - I try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. The more I try, the worse I feel. I'm only lonely when I sit and dwell on it. I generally like being alone. But I have these moments, like most everyone else, where I hate it so much. These bouts of loneliness invade my thoughts more and more frequently. They trickle in and like a virus, latch onto any small shred of contentment I might've been previously feeling. I sit in my dorm room, on my computer, for hours at a time. Playing Spider Solitaire or browsing the internet. Exciting, yes? NO. The weekends are the worst, when ppl are passing by, talking and laughing with friends. I know they are probably on their way to doing something fun. That's why I try to go home as much as possible - to escape it all. I sit, alone, in my room and watch TV, but no one has to know that. For all they know I could've gone out w/ old friends from high school. By "they" I mean my roommate and my 2 obnoxious "sweetmates", since I don't have anyone else. I make my mother drive 2 hours (to and from) just so I can hide in my room. Then she drives me back on Sunday. 8 fricking hours total that she drives. For me. For a weekend. And she sticks up for me. She defends me when my brothers or my dad brings it up. My dad made it perfectly clear that if it were up to him, he would leave me at school, except for the holidays. I agree with him, but still can't help but continue using/abusing my mom. I feel so guilty - but not enough to stop and tell her to leave me for a few weeks longer. I've come home just about every 2 weeks, except maybe at the end of quarters. Then it was about 3 or 4 weeks. I wouldn't mind staying if I had friends. See? It's neverending. Music helps me feel better, but it can only help so much. "As you get older you will gain a bit more control over everything. Don't let anyone, even your parents, break you. Find good people who care about you and surround yourself with just them. If you can't find them at first, find good music and fall into it, let it hold you until they come." -Davey Havok Gee, thanks. But how long do I have to rely on music before these people come? And of course, I know that I can't wait for them to come to me...I need to go to them. Which is my biggest problem. *sigh*

S. (roommate) suggested I write about songs that affect me in this journal, seeing as this IS songmeanings.net. I may start doing that. I already have a physical journal that I write in; I don't really need to vent about my day here. I need to try to be more introspective, too. How do you guys use italics, bold, underline?? I'd like to use it, but I don't know how. :/

Big Five Test Results Extroversion (24%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private.
Accommodation (36%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly selfish, uncooperative, and difficult at the expense of the well being of others.
Orderliness (76%) high which suggests you are overly organized, neat, structured and restrained at the expense too often of flexibility, variety, spontaneity, and fun.
Emotional Stability (28%) low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Inquisitiveness (30%) low which suggests you are overly small minded, traditional, and conventional at the expense too often of intellectual curiousity, possibility, and progress.
Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com Well, I think it's fairly accurate...more or less. The last part is the only section that bugs me. I like to think of myself as open-minded and whatnot. >:S I'm real winner, aren't I?

Damn...it was insaaaaanely hot and sunny over the weekend, so I took advantage of it and sat out and read as much as I could. I even put sunscreen on to protect my ridiculously pale self (stick me in direct sunlight and I actually GLOW)...everywhere except my back... Man, oh man am I feeling it now...actually it doesn't hurt nearly as much as I feared...yet...We'll see. K/B got burned, but not nearly as bad as me and they keep whining about it. At least I looked pretty damn cute in my black and white floral sundress!! XD Currently, there is a torrential downpour, but it's still fairly warm. Damned Bham weather. You just never know what you're gonna get.

I couldn't help myself :) INSTRUCTIONS 1. Put your music player on shuffle. 2. Press forward for each question. 3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? A Little Less Sixteen Candles... [Fall Out Boy] WHAT'S YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE? Endings Without Stories [Alesana] Oh my... WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Bombshell [Operation Ivy] Not true, but very lulzy WHAT DO STRANGERS THINK OF YOU? Live Before You Die [Social Distortion] WHAT DO YOUR EX'S THINK OF YOU? Weird [Hanson] HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE? Right Now [Babes in Toyland] uhhh....?? HOW WILL YOUR LOVE LIFE BE IN THE FUTURE? All Hail The Heartbreaker [The Spill Canvas] :/ WILL YOU GET MARRIED? Zero [Smashing Pumpkins] WILL YOU HAVE KIDS? Refugee [The HorrorPops] ARE YOU GOOD AT SCHOOL? Mr. Brightside [The Killers] WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE? Lazy Eye [Silversun Pickups] I take that as an eventually... WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? Photograph [Shiny Toy Guns] THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE: The Unraveling [Rise Against] Hmm, not quite there yet... YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND ARE: Handcuffs [Brand New] Thankfully...no WHAT DOES NEXT YEAR HAVE IN STORE FOR ME? Life Is A Garden [Greeley Estates] Wow, that actually makes sense! And so inspirational...too bad I don't believe it. :/ WHAT DO I SAY WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD? Impressions [Descendents] WHAT SONG WILL I DANCE TO AT MY WEDDING? The Tease [Evans Blue] WHAT DO YOU WANT AS A CAREER? Becoming The Bull [Atreyu] YOUR FAVOURITE SAYING? Pretend [Secondhand Serenade] HOW WILL I DIE? Jimmy [Tool] THE SONG THAT YOU'LL HAVE AS THE TITLE? Author Unknown [Jack Off Jill]

About a month left of school!! June 12th is my last final and after that Mummy and Pappy will be here to whisk me away from this place for the next 3 months of bumming around the house and hopefully getting/not getting a job. [I both wanna and DON'T wanna work during the summer]. *Nice run-on sentence.

I took that color quiz from Fallen Leaves' journal. I tried to go to the second page of the results and the "internet connection error" page popped up. I refreshed, but nothing. I even retook the quiz. Maybe it's an omen. Maybe it means I have no personality. It certainly feels that way... *le sigh*