For a while I felt content with my life, almost to a point of happiness. It wasn't that long ago really. I had finally, completely accepted He was gone for good. I told myself Shae was all I had, and to be happy with it. It was easy because I had no one to care for me, or say how nice or great I was. I just had Shae and whatever attention he gave me, was just about all the attention I'd be receiving. So I magnified the good bits, trying my hardest to cancel out the bad. It worked, for a good while.. Now Arnol is back, and I swear, he knows just what to say to make me tilt my head in a sense of awe. It's not that he likes me in a romantic way, he's gay. So, get that thought out of your head. He just told me what a great friend I was, how I was the only person he had never back stabbed. We reminisced for hours, it felt so nice. More to the point [if I haven't lost you already] If there is no one to care about me, I am somehow able to cope with any hardships that are thrown at me. Because I know those hardships are all I have. So I have to take some sort of liking to them. There is someone who is pretty much a total stranger, yet I feel so very...mm..connected? with him. It's hard to explain, it's kind of like a lot of things I think/enjoy he does as well. Which isn't really common for me. Last night he said something to me, I had asked him a question that was kind of personal, and then I thanked him for answering it. He said 'why wouldn't I?' and I said something like 'well, I generally don't answer personal questions.' We then talked shortly about trust issues we had. Then he said something like 'I see a bit of me in you..as weird as that sounds..so it's easier for me' [to trust me] For some reason that just struck a feeling inside me. I think it's because I look up to him in a peculiar way, he's smart/witty/funny/good tastes, etc. I don't know this is just getting confusing. I guess what I'm trying to say is that since I see so many good qualities in him, it was nice that he said that. That he saw a bit of himself in me. I doubt that made sense to you... I felt really detached today. Just from everything, from talking mostly. I'm signed into msn, I have two conversations up, well minimized, one I haven't talked to in about an hour, the other a half hour. I went to eat with Shae and we went about town for a bit. This is usually fun, but I felt nothing. I just wanted to curl up and hide somewhere. Shae purchased my birthday gift from ebay today, which you'd think would make me happy. Once again, I felt nothing, not a thing. Then earlier, I was looking for an old email that had a link to some game or something.. Anyways I clicked on an email from Him. I read over it, and he was basically telling me he was going away for the weekend and that he'd miss me dearly, so on. I tried to remember the original feelings I had when I read that. I couldn't though. All that happiness felt like some distant dream. Like when you're brushing your teeth trying to recall a dream, and it just seems like a fuzzy blur. Anyways, as I sat there just kind of thinking I was overwhelmed with this sadness. A tear polluted my eye, and I felt almost angry. It was like reading that triggered my mind to release some of that numb/supressed anger/abhorrence/sadness. It's become very hard to hide my feelings from everyone. It seems as though I've perfected the fake emotions I produce over the past year or so. Why is it so hard now? I feel like I'm just giving up, throwing the towel in. At the same time, I feel like some catastrophic downfall is upon me. I don't know..I'm such a mess. If you haven't figured that out by now, well then, you are obviously dull in the mind. Again I apologize for my pessimistic journal, I'm really not like this, not outwardly.

I caught up with an old friend. He's known how shae is, but not how he is abusive. A bit like Bran. He pinpointed the abuse immediately when we started talking about Shae. I hadn't said a word. I finally convinced him I was lying, and that Shae wasn't abusive. We're still talking, and he's blaming himself for my unhappiness. 'The night you guys hit it off I remember I was holding you like a princess and then put you dont and you ran over to shae if i would of held you longer this would not be the snario" ^that's what he said. He wants to meet up this weekend, but it will have to be while shae's at work. My mother will have to be in on it, so she'll give me some money and let me go where ever it is we go. I do hope I get to see him, my dear old friend. At the same time, I'm so scared something might go wrong. Shae will find out. I'll not only be putting myself in danger, but someone I hold so very dear to me. I'm shaking, from crying, from nerves, from fear, from a number of things. Was finding my old friend a good thing? He's made so many questions arise in me. I knew he would, but I didn't know I'd feel like this. That's all for now, I'll update at a later date.

My other journal is one entry ahead of this one..haha. Today was easter. Obviously. Everything was going well, we were at Shae's grandma's. Then he was acting like a child, so i told him he needed to stop. He grabbed me really hard and I threw his arms off of me, in the middle of everyone I yelled 'Don't you fucking touch me!' and ran out the door. I ran for a good four blocks. I could hear him running after me. I knew I could outrun him, but lately I've started running at night again. So my legs were hurting. That slowed me down.. He caught up to me and we bickered all the way to his house. I was set on going home, but he forced me inside. There we bickered, he tried to play it off like nothing had happened. I wasn't taking it. (I wish I would had..) He then dragged me across the floor and kicked me in the stomach. After that he just sat in a chair that was behind me. All the time he sat there, I was crying, he'd yell, 'Shut up!' again and again. I came so close to leaving it all behind. Right when I felt the courage rising up, I realized we were home alone, there was no way I could leave without someone else there, I'd be an easy target more so than I already am. He eventually made up to me, apologizing. Offering to fix me some food, to buy me this watch I've been wanting, to rub my back.. I wish I would have left. But I can't help but wonder, if I had left, would I still be here? Would I be in the hospital? Would my soul have been released? I don't know why I fear dying so much, I really shouldn't. If I died I'd be free. Then again, if I died, I'd leave so many I care for behind. A different close friend has been chasing after this girl for months. She just invited him over. I urged him to go. He was hesitant, but I pushed him to go. I hope he's happy. That's all I want is to make other happy, so they wont have to ever feel like I have. Two nights ago, I caught up with a friend I really care for. I was hoping he'd be on last night, but he wasn't. I came very close to telling him about Shae, but I didn't. He's very open with me, and I feel very guilty about not telling him. I just don't want to put that kind of weight on his shoulders. I have everything set up in case I die. Since there are many on my MSN I've never met, or that I know, but live in my old towns. I have it to where trev will sign on my MSN (I gave him the pass) and email everyone a personal letter, which I will be setting up shortly. I also have a small will written out. It may seem crazy, but I just want to be prepared. I don't want to leave without a final goodbye. Of course, the letters won't give out my true life, I couldn't leave anyone with that. They'll just say how each person was special to me and in what way. Maybe I'm just crazy...oh well.

number nine. number nine. number nine. number nine. I doubt many will get that. Oh well. Yesterday Shae was over, being a dick as usual. He hurt me a bit, and I cried. Like always. Because I'm weak like that. That's not who I came to write about though. Surprise, I know. I'm just going to give him the same name I use on QL's journal. Because I doubt anyone will link it. Dar and I have been friend's for a long while. When I first met him I absolutely adored him. He was pretty much everything I liked in a person. He hated me to death. He now says he just found me highly annoying, but he used to tell me he hated me everyday. I still liked him though, but eventually I gave up. After that we became friends through a mutual friend. A few months after I started dating Shae, Dar started acting all weird. He stopped talking to me for a good while. Then he gave me his phone number asking for me to ring him. So I did, and after a lot of stopping and stalling he told me he liked me as more than a friend. Which was really confusing. I was starting out this (the, fun) relationship. I had made myself stop thinking of Dar that way months ago, and now he was telling me he liked me. I never really responded to him though. I just brushed it off, pretending like it never happened. We are pretty close friends now. Today we were talking, and for once we had kind of a serious conversation. After a lot of reminiscing about Arnol (our mutual friend who recently moved) he told me how not giving me a chance when he met me was probably one of the biggest fuck ups in his life thus far. I felt really odd all day after that, filled with what if's. Bran and I started talking again today. He's been kind of loner-ish lately. He tends to do that from time to time. It was nice, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to retain the friendship we had a few months ago. It's hard not to share secrets with him, when he does with me. It makes me feel kind of..two-faced? That's not quite the word I want, but oh well. I feel really down today, I'm not sure why. After Dar told me that, I just kind of had a down attitude. I guess everything happens for a reason though.

If you seen Fight Club then you'll get this. Unnamed Narrator: - When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just... Marla Singer: - instead of just waiting for their turn to speak? I wish people would just listen sometimes. Even if it was just for something small. Instead of turning the conversation on to themselves. Has the world really become that self centered? Do we seek attention that badly? For every great person out there that listens really well, but also shares with you. There are at least six waiting to turn the conversations to themselves. Society sucks now. Seriously, we are all so boring and dull. When you think about it, if you read a book dated from like 1800s, and it's about an upper class group. They speak in Shakespearean quotes. It's not just one book either, it's a lot of them. Even if it's not directly about upper class. For instance; Great expectations is at first about a poor boy. His family's friends are kind of middle class who pretend to be upper class. Mr. Wopsle is one of them. In a few chapters it talks about him practicing Shakespearean quotes. Coincidence? I think not. He wanted to be upper class desperately, desperately enough to study those lines. Bottom line; To be upper class you had to be smart. You had to be educated in literature, art, science, history..the whole shabang. Now a days, being smart is weird and geeky. If someone were to call you a carcass fit for hounds or a botcher's apprentice. You'd say something like 'what the fuck? are you on drugs?' Most people would. It's expected. We have dumbed ourselves down over the years Sure, we're great we have all this technology. But the general population are morons. Yea, they had morons then, and lesser people. But even they were somewhat educated. The higher class for us isn't really all that smart either. There are lots of people who are smart, but it's not like they apply it to daily living. That is so sad to me. What part of the human race decided they wanted to stop being intelligent? Showing intelligence then was like saying 'hey, I'm better than you. Step up your game' Now the only thing that says something like that is a brand. Our society is kind of dull. We should really pick up the pace. Well, I hope that made some sense to someone. Anyhow, my vacation from Shae ended today. He's back and well. We didn't fight today, but he hit me a few times. I wasn't really expecting it. He played it off like he was kidding and then wrestled around, (which is usually fun) but I knew he wasn't kidding. Oh well. It could have been worse. My birthday is in a month, I'm scared that the few people who I really care about will forget. I hope not.

Shae was sick all weekend. We have tomorrow off, but he'll still be sick. I got the weekend all to myself..I was so happy. We were supposed to go see semi-pro, but I'm not really disappointed, it doesn't look that great. We'll probably go see it next weekend. He has an upper respiratory infection (he got it from work, it's been going around) I feel kind of bad being so happy that he is ill. Ha yea, that doesn't sound stupid. I feel bad that I'm happy an abusive asshole is sick.. Thursday a close friend asked me to go to lunch with him on Friday. Friday we had a shortened day so lunch would be all together (fresh-soph A, junior-senior B. Shae is in B I'm in A) I told him I couldn't because Shae would be there. He asked why that mattered, I just looked at him and said, 'Because he's an asshole, okay?' He was going to say something, but just kind of stopped and said okay. I felt guilty about that, but I couldn't think of anyhting else to say. I've grown sick of lying to my real friends all the time, they don't lie to me. I talked to a friend's friend on msn last night (by accident I thought it was the original friend) he was really nice. Okay..I'm going to give the friend a name so this isn't confusing for me. Friend-Xar Friend's friend-Joh Xar doesn't live by me, he knows about Shae. Joh asked how my love life was I told him to just ask Xar. After that he did the whole, 'you should tell someone' thing.. How could that possibly work? My parents would never be willing to leave this town (jobs) A restraining order doesn't put some anti-shae wall around me. It's not as though someone would come to protect me. My mom would never be willing to let me go live with my gparents or sister (I'm her baby..my sister left the family when she was 15) I have to go to school with Shae. He knows where I live, he knows all my classes. It's not like I'd have a bodyguard with me 24/7. Pressing charges wouldn't do anything really. A fine or juvey, if that..It's not like he'd go to prison forever and ever, and I'd live the rest of my years out as a princess who's escaped her tower. People don't think about that. They think telling people will save me..how? If I honestly thought telling someone would help me, I would have told someone a long time ago...

I hate the days like these. Why can't they just let me be? I held it all in today, every last drop of it. It wasn't even Shae. Everyone gets to me, one kid in particular just pushed it. I can't stand him at times, he's the friend we all hate. I just wanted left alone today. One day, is that so much to ask for? Just one measly day.. I held it all in while I was at a strangers house being tutored in algebra because I'm failing.. I'm so much better than that. I held in it when I was trying to listen to iron&wine, trying to just calm down in art, and the moron of the class bugged the hell out of me. I held in a lot of things today...sometimes I wish I could just open up to someone fully, without regret or feeling as though I can't trust them. Just one person. Then I was at Shae's watching television curled up on the couch. Glancing at the clock mentally ticking down the time until I get to come home. I promised Him a long time ago that I would be happy on my own, that I would hold my head high someday. I promised Him, and here I sit with tears in my eyes wishing this could all just go away. Like I have many a days. If I could keep just one promise, I would keep that one. Even if he left, I would keep that promise.. I waited until everyone was signed out to allow tears. As if they could see me. I just wanted to be alone.

I sit here and I read Bukowski. He and I share similar interests, we both like Prokofiev and Vivaldi, our favorite poet is E.E Cummings. We are alcoholics (I'm supposed to be the next one in out family..it skips generations) I sit here behind my computer in my room, I'm talking on MSN. A close friend just lost his girl. On Valentine's Day. He is wanting to leave, leave life. I am sitting here, telling him it won't solve anything. Telling him it's foolish and not worth it. I am sitting here, crying my eyes out because I don't understand how it got this way. How did I let it escalate to this. My friend's used to always ask if he hit me, I'd say no, that would never happen, he's not like. I believed it too. I sit here and I read Bukowski's ''A Smile to Remember" and I fear I will become that woman someday, and I'll have to put my son/child through that. Shae is exactly 6'2 the height that is said in that poem. The height of the father who beats the two.. Is life really worth living, I do think of suicide. I can't lie and say I don't. I tell myself there is a new day ahead and it could be the best day of my life. Then I am scared by that though because if tomorrow is the best, then the rest must be all downhill and I wouldn't want to see what is considered down hill from this point. He's not always mean though. We get along a lot. It's just hard to cancel out all the things that have happened. I'm not trying to justify anyhting, I'm just saying that at times we do get along. Sometimes life isn't worth living, I'll give them that, but the beauty of life and earth is always work seeing.. at least it is for me. Even if beauty is sometimes found in obscure places. Someday I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel, I tell you that my friend, and someday I'll look back and have learned something and I'll be able to share that knowledge with someone who really needs it.

Sometimes I prefer violence. The bruises heal. The words stick though, they bring me down, they pound me out, the may me weary, tired, sad, depressed. They make me hate myself. They make me want to believe them. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me. That's quite a lie. Words seem to stick to me more than anything. Whether they be good or bad words. I don't know why the people that are in my life stick around. They tell me how interesting I am. They have no idea how messed up I really am. Some days when they say something like that, that I'm nice and caring..etc. I just want to yell, "Don't you see how screwed I am, how messed up I've been, do you realize how pathetic I am, how worthless?? Do you?" People always say how pretty, mature, interesting, so on and so forth I am. I'm none of those. I am damaged goods. I'm a broken toy left at the bottom of the toy chest. Why bother and dig me up, just let me be. I miss him. On days like these I miss him most. I know he doesn't think of me and it's pointless to care. Did I really make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? To be so happy, to make someone so happy. Then that person just shuts you out completely. I felt like I had been thrown in a little box. Like the toy at the bottom of the toy chest... i guess that description fits well. Perhaps some unsuspecting bloke will dig me up someday and think he's found a real gem. He'll find out though, I'm no gem. I'm just fool's gold. I apologize for having such a pessimistic journal. I'm really quite optimistic. In person I am at least.

I don't think you really know how it feels unless you've been in one. I'm sure you're thinking, "just leave. just get out..go.." You see though, it's not quite so simple. What he does to me now, while I'm with him. What he would do if I left. I value my life, even if it's not the way I'd like it to be. Two years ago, I never thought any of this would happen. The thought never crossed my mind. This couldn't happen to me. I would just leave. Yea, I remember thinking that about other's who are in what I'm in now. See some girl on tv and think, 'What an idiot..just leave' Shae and I have been together for a year and a half, somewhere around there. I've been abused for let's see..about 9-10 months I'd say. Everything started out fine. Like normal relationships. Then after so long we slept together. He was my first, I wasn't his. Then about..7 months he started emotionally abusing me. Then that led to physical, then sexual. Sexual, not so much. He mostly emotionally abuses me. Physically not so often, but often enough.. I lead a double life. I have my life with Shae, and my own life. The life I enjoy. So far, they've never meshed. I'm meticulous about keeping my thoughts sorted. I know what to say what not to say, who to tell what. It's become almost routine for me. My best friend is a guy, so he's a secret, part of my nice life. We hooked up once, Shae knows about it. So that makes it ever worse. Bran (my friend) knows about Shae, how controlling and insane he is. He doesn't know the whole story though. He's edged me to get out, but he doesn't understand. I care for Bran immensely. I wish I could express that to him, but it would sound like I like him. Which is not what I want at all. Bran has helped me through some tough times...I wish I could tell him how much he's helped. That would be telling him the truth though, about Shae. I keep most my friends on MSN. I never give out my phone number or address. Few know where I live. I think some start to wonder why. They forget about it though. All my childhood friends are in other towns, which is a good thing. I have a few other out of town friends. Some from this site. I used to be romantically involved with someone. He was really special to me. He was like my little escape from this world. He was like that bit of ecstasy in one's life. That little thing you look forward to in the morning. He lived and hour a way though. We had met because he came to visit my friend, Er. He saved my life. I was going to end it all, and he saved me. Just when I was done listening, he gave me something to listen to. Shae doesn't know about any of that. He left though. Found someone else. As much as it hurts and I resent it, I'm happy for him. I still make wishes on every eyelash that he's safe and happy. Even though he hurt me so horridly. I went away for a concert. A Chiodos concert. For one weekend I came back and he was gone. Blocked me form everything. Then I remembered his myspace. That's when I found out what had happened. I finally got a hold of him. He said we could be friends, I was happy and okay with that. The next day he was gone. I still check up on him from time to time. Via myspace. He's doing well. I'm no longer hurt by thinking about him. I'm just happy he's okay. That may sound like a lie, but it's not. I can honestly say that... I've been listening to Reminiscence With A Stranger thanks to a friend I met here. His journal was on here, but he deleted them all. That friend I just spoke of. He gives me hope. In some odd way. I've never met him, but he is so smart and witty. It's refreshing. I always feel like giving up on humanity. Like I'll never meet someone that is interesting and smart. That has wit an humor. He always shows me there is someone like that. I'm sure there are more as well. I hope so at least. Today was a good day. Mostly because Shae was making up to me for the previous night. I think he saw how violated I was.. It was nice..until he start to stop caring or feeling sympathy..or whatever. Then it just went back to normal. Well, that's all for now. Salud.