I met this really cool quiet guy in one of my classes. I hadn't met him before b/c this class is a semester class. I was sitting by my friends, but the teacher changed our seats. He put me by the guy I'm talking about. He's really funny, nice, tall, sweet, and amazing. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have ever said one word to him if it wasn't for my teacher sitting us next to each other. We've only had this new seating arrangement for 3 days, but I already like this guy. I'm not going to tell Marie cuz she might try to take him. He's just really amazing. I'm happy again. (For now at least. But I'm gonna take advantage of this feeling cuz it might go away.) I actually REALLY like him!!!!!! Song: "Only One" by Yellowcard

The song "My Heart" by Paramore has been stuck in my head all day. Well, not really stuck in my head b/c I love it and having it "stuck in my head" would imply that I don't want it there. Got my hair cut today. I know it's not a big deal, but I think it's pretty cute. Ohhh, I forgot. On Friday there was this big story going around at school. I didn't hear about it until lunch and that is unacceptable b/c I'm the Queen of Gossip (that's what my friends call me). Apparently there was a senior who was getting stoned at his house with a bunch of his friends and he had a gun. Well he took all of the bullets out (well that's what he thought) and he put the gun to his head. There was one bullet left that he didn't get out. When he pulled the trigger he shot himself and died instantly. All of his friends witnessed their best friend die. The next day, some of the people who were there went to school for some unknown reason. One of the people (who shall remain nameless) told me that the wall behind the senior was covered in blood. How sad. Just days before that, one of our elementary school kids brought a REAL gun on the bus. He had a hitlist and everything. He was in 3rd grade. Ridiculous. Some kids on the bus saw the gun and called 9-1-1 and when they got to school, the police took the kid away. That's pretty much it. Oh, btw, I feel "fully alive". Lol. Seriously. Song: "My Heart" by Paramore

Wow, I haven't written in a while. The reason; I've been feeling really crappy. Well, there's this guy that I've known since I moved to my town (technically now it's a city). I've lived here for 8 years, and I don't want to move, but anyway. At the beginning of the school year, he told me he liked me, but I REALLY REALLY don't like him. He creeps me out. He would text me at the beginning of the year and I would text back, but I stopped b/c things were getting too personal and that stuff isn't any of his business. This past week, he started texting me again and I thought "maybe he got the hint and won't be creepy anymore", but of course, I was wrong. He started asking me all these really weird questions. Like if I was a virgin and some other questions that gross me out (I'm not gonna put them on here). So, I stopped texting him again. And at 2:00 A.M. he called me and asked if I wanted to go over to his house. HELLO!! IS HE CRAZY? There's no way I was about to go over to his house, especially not at 2:00 A.M.. On Friday, I went grocery shopping with my mom and brother after school. We had spent about 2 hours in Walmart and we were loading all of our crap in the trunk when my dad finally calls us back. We had been calling him for like 2 hours and he didn't text us or call us back and my mom was getting worried. When he called her, I could tell something was wrong. I could hear what he was saying b/c my mom's phone was really loud. Then she said "you're kidding me. Are you sure?". That made me really nervous. When they hung up, I asked what all the yelling was about. Then she told me that my dad's company is laying people off in his department. I said "so". Then she said that if he gets laid off, she wants us to pay off the house and move. HELL NO!! I've moved 7 times in my life. I've had to make new friends 7 times. I'm NOT gonna move in my sophomore year of high school just b/c my dad doesn't want to take the time to look for a job in my town or close to it. It's not fair. Well, I was so upset, that I texted my best friends and told them. Let's just say that they were taking it as badly as I was. I was crying and then at the same time, they all called me at one time crying. They were screaming and crying and saying that I can't move. DUH!!!!! I know that. I don't want to move!! They can't make me. And I know that sounds childish, but that's how I feel. Song: "Yahhh!" by Soulja Boy Tell'em

I forgot to mention something. I've read a lot of people's journals since I joined sm.net and it makes me feel like I'm not a weirdo. I'm not the only person who feels like s*** all the time. In fact, most of the people on here feel the same way I do. That makes me wonder. Why are so many people feeling this way? How do we fix it? How come no one else notices it? What is it? Is it depression or just something that we've all somehow created in our minds? I don't believe that we all created it b/c it would be too coincidental and I don't really believe in coincidences. My closest friends don't even know this about me, so why can I post it in a journal on a website for hundreds of thousands of people to read? Maybe b/c it's a fear of being different, a fear of not being accepted for a hopeless feeling that I CAN'T control. It's hard to deal with. I don't even know what I'm dealing with. I WANT to know. I asked my mom to help me, to get me help and all she says is "it's called "high school blues". It'll go away. It's fine". Even after I told her about all of my thoughts, she still said it was fine. My only friend that knows about all of this asked me today if I was feeling ok and I said what are you talking about?. She said "ya know what I'm talking about. Ya know?! The thing you were gonna do. Are you still thinking about it?" I told her "yeah. there's not a lot of time that goes by that I don't think about it." And do you know what that ho said to me. "God, WTF? Why do you think about that? It's sooo weird. Why would you think about it? I really don't wanna know about that." Well did I ever ask her to call me when she was drunk and high or just drunk or just high??? Hell no! I don't need her to report it to me. I didn't ask her to call me 5 minutes after she makes a "mistake" by sleeping with someone she doesn't even know. I mean, sure, I want to know b/c she's my friend. But when she tells me some of that stuff, it makes me wanna rip my hair out. Getting drunk and high is horrible for her. I asked her to stop, but that jackass keeps doing it. And that's part of my problem. I get so scared whenever I hear sirens b/c I think she really screwed up and is in the hospital. Or I think she really hurt herself. Or she's dead. Oh my God, what did she do? Then, I get pissed off. It makes me mad and sad. I can't stand it. That's DEFINITELY one of my big problems. I worry and freak out. I've recently had to start breathing deeply and I'm pretty sure the next step is breathing into a paper bag. On top of that, all of her problems and my other friend's problems combined are always put on my shoulders. That leads me to wanting to do something bad.

I knew it. Today sucked! Everything sucked. I got to go to the movies and it was ok. My friends were wimps. They didin't want to see "Cloverfield", so I had to see "27 Dresses". It was okay. I only got into the movie b/c the guy is freakin sexy. Oh my God, he's GORGEOUS. At our movie theater, there are usually a lot of hot guys from my school, and our rival school (b/c they suck and they don't have a movie theater. HA HA. LOSERS). Tonight, there were like 4 guys from my school. They WEREN'T the hot guys. And from the other school there was only one really hot guy, but there's no way I would EVER like one of them. I would get killed. (We're very competitive). My friend was at the movie theater. She went to see the movie I wanted to see. I would've gone with her, but she was going with a lot of people I don't like. And even though we made up, things have been kind of weird between us. Probably b/c everyone knows what she did and they're NOT happy with her. The people she was with were really weird. One of them kept making a noise like a chimpanzee. The other one was all over another girl. (And these people go to her church). GROSS! Then, she was there with a guy from her church. They said it wasn't a date, and I'm like "What the Hell?". I'm confused. First she likes the guy that I like, and 2 and a half seconds later, she likes one of her really close friends. It's so f-en confusing. Well, I'm done boring whoever is reading this with my stupid drama. I have absolutely no life. I want to get out of my stupid house and go somewhere where I can find a hot guy that will like me and make me feel good. I don't want to be here anymore, but if I have to be, I want to be here with someone who cares about me. Otherwise, there's no point in continuing my meaningless life. Song: "Piece Of Me" by Britney Spears (everyone's favorite trainwreck)

This doesn't sound as bad as I type it, but it made me really mad. So, I was at lunch today and this really mean fat kid (i'm not being mean to him b/c he's fat. i'm being mean b/c he's a kcid (look at it backwards) to me. So, back to what I was saying. My friends and I were getting up to throw our trash away from lunch. Idk why we all get up together. It's actually really funny. We all get done at different times, but we wait 'til we're all finished to throw our trash away. Well, this guy has been mean to me since we were little. I pass right by him and he yells "f****** b****!!!!!!!!" at me. WTF??? My friends were like "did he say that to you?" I said "of course. Who else would he do that to?" Other than that, today wasn't THAT bad. I feel good for the first time in a long time. Thank God!!!! Really, I'm soooo thankful. I prayed yesterday for one day of peace. One day of happiness. One day where I didn't feel like hurting myself. One day where I didn't just cry. I'm sooo happy. I'm sure tomorrow I'll go back to the same old me, but at least I can say I was really, truly, honestly happy. I hope it lasts. My mom and dad were fighting a few days ago, and they stopped talking to each other. How childish!!!! But they made up. OOOOh, "Setting Up Sunday" by Meg and Dia is playing on my ipod. Great song. Well, I'm gonna go enjoy my last hours of happiness before it disappears into the night. Lots of love. Peace!! Song: "Let This Go" by Paramore

Okay, I'm sooooo bored. Nothing at all happened today. I don't really like drama, but I need some to live! SNOW! Yay! Maybe there won't be school tomorrow. I can only hope. Hey, that's a song. See, sooooo bored. I'm acting dumb now. So, still feel like crap. The friend that I told that to a few days ago said "Stop doing that for attention." She's a hypocrite. I'm NOT doing that for attention. It's the truth, no one cares. Not everyone is like her and has everyone bending over backwards to meet her needs. Everyone cares about her. I guess there was drama today after all. I honestly thought about really just ending it, but I haven't acted on it yet. Not really sure if I will. My life is crap. Song: "Low" by Kelly Clarkson

I made up with my backstabbing friend today. After we made up, she informed me that when the guy I liked dropped her off at home, he kissed her!!!! On the lips!!!!!! He's contaminated now. I still like him though. That's pretty much all that happened today. I have a crap load of homework, but most of it's done. It's not like I need to worry though, b/c tomorrow is a gold day and my homework isn't due until my purple day (Thursday). My brother is getting on my nerves. He's acting like a 3 year old!! It's actually kind of funny. My friend, Tommy, has an older brother that's in the military. Tommy is really scared that something will happen to him. I really like Andy (Tommy's brother), but not in a way that I want to date him. He's like my older brother. I really want him to be safe. Song: "A New Day Has Come" by Celine Dion

I really hate my life. I'm NOTHING! I can't talk to anybody about anything. No one gives a crap if I live or die. It isn't fair. Everyone else has someone that cares about them. Why can't I? I don't understand. No one gets me.Why do I have to feel this way? I've never in my life, felt like this. Great, now I'm starting to cry. Wonderful. Oh, look, my best friend is texting me. Ohhhh, she's apologizing. How sweet. Not! She needs to leave me the hell alone! I can't stand it. I NEED someone to understand me. I NEED someone to love me, and guess what. No one does. This sucks! Song:"Nobody's Home"-Avril Lavigne

Today was nothing like yesterday. I got into a fight with my best friend and I found out that the ho who "likes" the guy that I like is dating him now!!!! WTF?????? I already know how this is going to turn out. In 2 days she'll call me at 3 in the morning again crying her eyes out, begging me to pick up the pieces. No way!!!!!!!!!!! Not this time!!!! She can find someone else to cry to. It sucks!!!! The fight with my real friend was about me acting "bitchy". I was just pissed off and she didn't understand. So, we were yelling at each other over text messages. I was telling her some really personal stuff, and some other stuff that I won't get into detail about (refer to 1st journal entry). When I told her what I thought about doing, she freaked. When I talked to her about it earlier, she said "who are you kidding. You won't do it." Then she kept talking about her bf. I was like WTF? You tell me you don't want me to hurt myself and that I can talk to you about anything, but you're not listening. So, basically, today was filled with drama. I guess I just attract drama everywhere I go. Song: "When It All Falls Apart"- The Veronicas