is something ill get used to, oh. Do do do do do, do do do. oh that song. its pure magic. the lyrics are so simple, yet so inticate. I could listen to it over and over and over and over (and over...) again and not get tired of it. im pretty sure this is my new obsession. (: some of the best; archie star, taking back sunday, new found glory, stars, death cab for cutie, weezer. now this is just my opinion. I am entitled to mine, as you are entitled to yours. I've noticed that I never really post during the daytime. all my entries are at like midnight or so. with that, I will pressume that most people are asleep by then, meaning hardly anyone reads my journal. im okay with that. I don't want to be some big shot poet. I just want to be who I am. exactly the same way. but that really isn't working out very well for me. everything around me is changing. and so am I. I've tried to tell him several times that I was sorry. I got ignored in person. he literally avoided me the entire day. I tried calling him and my call got rejected. I tried AIMing him, but he's blocked me. was it really that bad? was it really that serious? I didn't mean it... I just don't think before I say. tomorow will be three whole months with my boyfriend. this is so new to me. I've never gone more than a month. I get bored with relationships easily, as do all geminis. or so I read in a magazine. this is good. I think. keep me breathing, risque.

I took the day off from school today. I couldn't bare being in the same place as him. knowing that he hates my guts. knowing that I destroyed our friendship. knowing that I lost my best friend. so I spent the day at venice beach with my boyfriend. I love it here. its an amazing place, especially for photography. eveything you see is a work of art. if you've never been here, your honestly missing out. ill be spending the night at my boyfriends house. my mom is suprisingly okay with that. I think she realizes how upset I am and knows that this would be good for me. venting, I mean. he puts me in a good mood, and always knows what to say. I love him. im sure of it now. the thoughts I've been having before, they're gone. for sure this time. I sware. this day turned out to be like a scene from a movie. everything was perfect. I might of even forgot about the whole other ordeal. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. happy because my boyfriend made this day one of the bests, or sad because I lost my best friend. just a bit risque.

I hate myself. I lost one of my best friends today. over a stupid little argument. I shouldn't of said anything... but I had to open my mouth... how stupid of me. I miss him. I need him. I love him. "Swirling shades of blue Slow dancing in your eyes Sun kisses the earth And I hush my urge to cry, cry I wanna be there for you Someone you can come to Runs deeper than my bones I wanna be there for you I wanna be there for you 'Cause I hear the whispered words In your masterpiece beautiful You speak the unspeakable through I love you too" that song is perfect for me right now. I love the whole song, but my favorite is the first verse. ("sometimes im a selfish fake, but your always a true friend and I don't deserve you cos im not there for you. please forgive me again.") its true... I don't deserve him for a friend. he's too good for me. he's ALWAYS been there for me and I've never been there for him. I want to, but I never have. I cried sooo hard when I heard this song. im having a hard time with my boyfriend too... its like... I love him and everything, but this relationship... well its just gotten so... dull. I can't do this anymore. im starting to think that maybe its just a friendly love I have to him. and even if its more then that, sometimes you need more than just love. I smoked two packs of cigaretts today. (which is a lot for me, considering I only smoke one or two a day) that's how stressed I am. its not even funny... happy four twenty by the way. I totally forgot about it and only remembered because of a foward message I got from my friend. ha. I was watching some special on the history channel called last days. it had the top something possibilities for the worlds end. (number one was global warming) its scary to think about. death in general is scary to think about. im afraid of what will happen to me. im afraid to leave behind all the people I love and care for. im afraid. done, risque.

"Cause you are the brightest star I'm in love with who you are And you are the brightest star I'm lost without your love" im stressing. and when im stressed, I smoke. the smell has penetrated through my clothes and into my skin. I know im still too young and its illegal, well at least in california, but smoking lets me release all my stress. it relieves me of my worries. it'll probably affect me in the future, but I don't think about the future, or the past. I live in the now. a fortune cookie today told me that I have an unusual, magnetic personality. I would agree, and 99% or the people I asked, would too. and if you ask around, I bet they'd say im overdramatic too. a week ago I would have argued with that, but now I accept and agree with it. I found one of my old quotes, "and we stood there, hand in hand, cars were racing, and so were our hearts". I deeply love that quote. I can't exactly say why, because I myself don't know. *I deleted and edited huge chunks of this entry* this wasn't much of a post, nicolerisque

a short entry today. just to give me something to do at this time of night. "Turn around red and whites again. I'd sell my kicks for one more low tar. Fever hand in hand with shoelace bracelets." I finally got meg&dia, tegan&sara, and ciwwaf back on my ipod. hooraah___

p: you got something in your teeth n: I asked brittney and she said I didnt b: sorry! p: well you should get a mirror. the mirror don't lie. I: yes it does, that's why brittney goes out in public. lmao atmuhfriends♥ light me up on a cloudy day. without my friends, id have no blue heaven. (: yooo, what's with all the poor remakes of stuff. like one, pokemon. the original one was bomb. pallette town was the place to be. but this diamond and pearl nonsense... gr. (a bit off topic: I LUHH POKEMON. surriuslyy. I play my pokemon gamboy all the time.) two, gatorade. why couldn't they stick with the og one. why'd they have to make All Stars and G2. that's uncool. maaaan. asdf;reflex I've noticed that I say "like" a lot. I've also been playing around with my hair a lot. like twirling it. those used to be two of my biggest pet peeves. man im such a hypocrite. I haven't always been this wauy. just recently. ever since I've been with my boyfraan. I guess the fact that he makes me happy impacts my actions. so rylies leukemia is getting better. its easier to deal with now. three days ago, if you would have mentioned it to me I would have broke down and cried. but at least now I can talk about it without becoming an emotional wreck. progress. speaking of crying. I was listening to california by phantom planet and oh man. I guess the lyrics (or maybe the rythym... I don't know, something) got to me. and I just cried. I never did that before. well phantom planets got a new cd out. "Raise the Dead" I believe. I really really REALLY like "Do the Panic". so listen to it. you should also listen to wasted by cartel. I like the different "stories" (if you will) mentioned in the verse. the chorus it self has a pretty melody. and the intro has a good drum solo. whatever, listen to it. gooo. your a touch overrated, nicolerisque

a: im tired n: then go to sleep a: fine I will since you want me too so bad n: its not that I want you too so bad, I just don't think im worth losing sleep over a: you are. you're worth the world. Ilovemy babycakes______♥. today we (+ a couple friends) went bowling. it was fun. just what I needed. oh yeah, I no longer have thosed "mixed feelings" now im absolutely sure that I love him. as for the makeout sessions and late night texting, those are renewed. (: roflmao. I also went to virgin today. I found this book titled All About Chuck Norris: The Greatest Human on Earth. its about 200 pages of pure chuck norris jokes. its even more hilarious because one of my friend's dads looks like churck norris. "And it's all too familiar And it happens all the time. All the cards begin to stack up, Twisting heartache into fine little pieces that avoid an awful crime, But it's you I can't deny. We swing and we sway As this tiny voice in my head starts to sing You're safe, child, you are safe." I love taking back sunday. dearly. adam has one of the most amazing voices I have ever heard. he is also one of the most amazing songwriters. put those together and you get this amazing thing. I can't quiet describe it. something like a phenomena, nicolerisque.

the last few days have been pretty upsetting. the makeout sessions and late night texting are getting pretty old. my feelings are starting to mix. and having to cope with the fact that rylie has leukemia is all too much for me to handle. I cried for three days straight, I sware. im still hoping its some kind of sick joke. or a bad nightmare, but then I realize, its all real. im not really in the mood for posting. and the only reason I did was to get my mind off of it. this is crazy, nicolerisque.

automated heartbeats fall victim to your steady words the sky looked absolutely dazzling today. I took a million pictures. the view is even more amazing during night time. the sky is dark, and a million sparkling dots are in plain view. its so pretty. i want to take it and put it in my pocket, forever to have. bamboozle was amazing (on saturday). scratch that, it was spankin. ha. seriously. I got to meet a lot of different bands. and see a lot of them perform too. I fell in love with this band called porcelain. they're from australia. we the kings was my favorite

its a shame he didn't know their love was just a lie through her teeth it rained again today. but suprisingly, it wasn't a bad day. it was considerably good. I looked at my iPod today, and I noticed that I have absolutely no taking back sunday on it. I used to have all their songs on it (I have all their cds) but then my iPod went wack and all my songs got deleted. it sucked. I guess I never put them back on. I also don't have any more cartel or dashboard. shame. I think ill fix that now. "and baby don't follow their lead 'cause you never know just how the story ends or how the stroy goes and you are so confused and baby its just like you to say anything else." I watched sixteen candles again. fourth time in the last month. jeeez. I sware, I could recite the entire screenplay if I wanted to. I know everyone thinks that whole love senario between sam and jake is so cliche, but I like it. I do believe I've met my jake ryan. psht, you'll never guess which band im listening to now. altered images. ha. I heard them while watching sixteen candles. they're so... idk, I can't explain it, but their music makes me want to dance. like the way they dance at the end of the breakfast club. god, im so oldschool. ha, during school, some doctor lady came to talked to us about stds. it was pretty nasty. (oh, excuse me, nasteh) she showed us pictures that are sure to traumatize me for life. this would be the part where I say "im never going to have sex" except I know that's a lie. while were on that topic... do you guys believe in waiting until marraige. I don't. only because I don't want to get married. the only difference between a bf/gf relationship and a hubby/wife relationship is a ring. or that's the way I see it anyways, your entitled to your opinions too. the hopeful, nicolerisque