happy in her own little world. and the months pass, and the seasons change, but still, you wont. i dont get it? do you ever feel like the one you love doesnt love you quite as much as you love them? and they keep telling you they love you but its just so hard to believe becos they keep acting like a jerk? my, thats how i feel. i mean... i know he has a girlfriend. but weve shared so much together and i dont wanna share him. i just want to be his only. and how can i be his only whn hes replaced me? im just so scared, so scared to let go. to think that maybe i wasted all this time, all those memories for nothing. say you want me. say you need me. say you love me. x.

bcos it just keeps getting worse. and the cigarettes jst keep disappearing. and the tears jst keep coming. how can i try to keep this, when he wont even answer. i dont get it? what did i do? no hope.

I NEED HIM LIKE A BAD HABIT, the one that leaves me defenseless, dependent, and alone.

is something ill get used to, oh. Do do do do do, do do do. oh that song. its pure magic. the lyrics are so simple, yet so inticate. I could listen to it over and over and over and over (and over...) again and not get tired of it. im pretty sure this is my new obsession. (: some of the best; archie star, taking back sunday, new found glory, stars, death cab for cutie, weezer. now this is just my opinion. I am entitled to mine, as you are entitled to yours. I've noticed that I never really post during the daytime. all my entries are at like midnight or so. with that, I will pressume that most people are asleep by then, meaning hardly anyone reads my journal. im okay with that. I don't want to be some big shot poet. I just want to be who I am. exactly the same way. but that really isn't working out very well for me. everything around me is changing. and so am I. I've tried to tell him several times that I was sorry. I got ignored in person. he literally avoided me the entire day. I tried calling him and my call got rejected. I tried AIMing him, but he's blocked me. was it really that bad? was it really that serious? I didn't mean it... I just don't think before I say. tomorow will be three whole months with my boyfriend. this is so new to me. I've never gone more than a month. I get bored with relationships easily, as do all geminis. or so I read in a magazine. this is good. I think. keep me breathing, risque.

I took the day off from school today. I couldn't bare being in the same place as him. knowing that he hates my guts. knowing that I destroyed our friendship. knowing that I lost my best friend. so I spent the day at venice beach with my boyfriend. I love it here. its an amazing place, especially for photography. eveything you see is a work of art. if you've never been here, your honestly missing out. ill be spending the night at my boyfriends house. my mom is suprisingly okay with that. I think she realizes how upset I am and knows that this would be good for me. venting, I mean. he puts me in a good mood, and always knows what to say. I love him. im sure of it now. the thoughts I've been having before, they're gone. for sure this time. I sware. this day turned out to be like a scene from a movie. everything was perfect. I might of even forgot about the whole other ordeal. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. happy because my boyfriend made this day one of the bests, or sad because I lost my best friend. just a bit risque.

I hate myself. I lost one of my best friends today. over a stupid little argument. I shouldn't of said anything... but I had to open my mouth... how stupid of me. I miss him. I need him. I love him. "Swirling shades of blue Slow dancing in your eyes Sun kisses the earth And I hush my urge to cry, cry I wanna be there for you Someone you can come to Runs deeper than my bones I wanna be there for you I wanna be there for you 'Cause I hear the whispered words In your masterpiece beautiful You speak the unspeakable through I love you too" that song is perfect for me right now. I love the whole song, but my favorite is the first verse. ("sometimes im a selfish fake, but your always a true friend and I don't deserve you cos im not there for you. please forgive me again.") its true... I don't deserve him for a friend. he's too good for me. he's ALWAYS been there for me and I've never been there for him. I want to, but I never have. I cried sooo hard when I heard this song. im having a hard time with my boyfriend too... its like... I love him and everything, but this relationship... well its just gotten so... dull. I can't do this anymore. im starting to think that maybe its just a friendly love I have to him. and even if its more then that, sometimes you need more than just love. I smoked two packs of cigaretts today. (which is a lot for me, considering I only smoke one or two a day) that's how stressed I am. its not even funny... happy four twenty by the way. I totally forgot about it and only remembered because of a foward message I got from my friend. ha. I was watching some special on the history channel called last days. it had the top something possibilities for the worlds end. (number one was global warming) its scary to think about. death in general is scary to think about. im afraid of what will happen to me. im afraid to leave behind all the people I love and care for. im afraid. done, risque.

"Cause you are the brightest star I'm in love with who you are And you are the brightest star I'm lost without your love" im stressing. and when im stressed, I smoke. the smell has penetrated through my clothes and into my skin. I know im still too young and its illegal, well at least in california, but smoking lets me release all my stress. it relieves me of my worries. it'll probably affect me in the future, but I don't think about the future, or the past. I live in the now. a fortune cookie today told me that I have an unusual, magnetic personality. I would agree, and 99% or the people I asked, would too. and if you ask around, I bet they'd say im overdramatic too. a week ago I would have argued with that, but now I accept and agree with it. I found one of my old quotes, "and we stood there, hand in hand, cars were racing, and so were our hearts". I deeply love that quote. I can't exactly say why, because I myself don't know. *I deleted and edited huge chunks of this entry* this wasn't much of a post, nicolerisque

a short entry today. just to give me something to do at this time of night. "Turn around red and whites again. I'd sell my kicks for one more low tar. Fever hand in hand with shoelace bracelets." I finally got meg&dia, tegan&sara, and ciwwaf back on my ipod. hooraah___

p: you got something in your teeth n: I asked brittney and she said I didnt b: sorry! p: well you should get a mirror. the mirror don't lie. I: yes it does, that's why brittney goes out in public. lmao atmuhfriends♥ light me up on a cloudy day. without my friends, id have no blue heaven. (: yooo, what's with all the poor remakes of stuff. like one, pokemon. the original one was bomb. pallette town was the place to be. but this diamond and pearl nonsense... gr. (a bit off topic: I LUHH POKEMON. surriuslyy. I play my pokemon gamboy all the time.) two, gatorade. why couldn't they stick with the og one. why'd they have to make All Stars and G2. that's uncool. maaaan. asdf;reflex I've noticed that I say "like" a lot. I've also been playing around with my hair a lot. like twirling it. those used to be two of my biggest pet peeves. man im such a hypocrite. I haven't always been this wauy. just recently. ever since I've been with my boyfraan. I guess the fact that he makes me happy impacts my actions. so rylies leukemia is getting better. its easier to deal with now. three days ago, if you would have mentioned it to me I would have broke down and cried. but at least now I can talk about it without becoming an emotional wreck. progress. speaking of crying. I was listening to california by phantom planet and oh man. I guess the lyrics (or maybe the rythym... I don't know, something) got to me. and I just cried. I never did that before. well phantom planets got a new cd out. "Raise the Dead" I believe. I really really REALLY like "Do the Panic". so listen to it. you should also listen to wasted by cartel. I like the different "stories" (if you will) mentioned in the verse. the chorus it self has a pretty melody. and the intro has a good drum solo. whatever, listen to it. gooo. your a touch overrated, nicolerisque

a: im tired n: then go to sleep a: fine I will since you want me too so bad n: its not that I want you too so bad, I just don't think im worth losing sleep over a: you are. you're worth the world. Ilovemy babycakes______♥. today we (+ a couple friends) went bowling. it was fun. just what I needed. oh yeah, I no longer have thosed "mixed feelings" now im absolutely sure that I love him. as for the makeout sessions and late night texting, those are renewed. (: roflmao. I also went to virgin today. I found this book titled All About Chuck Norris: The Greatest Human on Earth. its about 200 pages of pure chuck norris jokes. its even more hilarious because one of my friend's dads looks like churck norris. "And it's all too familiar And it happens all the time. All the cards begin to stack up, Twisting heartache into fine little pieces that avoid an awful crime, But it's you I can't deny. We swing and we sway As this tiny voice in my head starts to sing You're safe, child, you are safe." I love taking back sunday. dearly. adam has one of the most amazing voices I have ever heard. he is also one of the most amazing songwriters. put those together and you get this amazing thing. I can't quiet describe it. something like a phenomena, nicolerisque.