Censoring everything, I have to two chapters completly cut out. I'm going to heavy handedly black it all out. Every word. I love you... It's not what I want to do, I'd rather let it all out. I think you'd want that too. But maybe not this...

Okay, I'll do it here, I love you, I love you more than anything, I want to show you more than anything, I want to tell you, but I can't not now. I would love for nothing more than to give you FREEDOM, but I won't I have to have some self control, you'll know one day, how much I love you, how much you mean to me. That I offer you my soul my everything, which isn't much. But I love you. You won't know how much, because I'm not sure myself, but I see everything when I'm with you. You cracked all my walls, all my armour, I am yours. I want you to be happy, I am irrelevant. What I want is irrelevant. I hate what you've done to me, but I love it all the same. I love you K. Over twelve hours later and I fucking hate the way you make me me feel about you. It actually hurts. I just feel like it's not worth it. I want you to know, I want you to feel the same. I love you more than life itself... Everything seems meaningless. I just don't know.

Is what you're planning to do the right thing? Is this going to be good? Or are you doing this for her? Yes, yes you are, you want to be around her all the god damn time. It's going to make you feel so alive... And also tear you apart all at the same time, VIII is what is happening. Denying yourself the simple pleasures of nothing... And falling apart again. VIII is the reasons for where I stand right now, clensed of my soul and all my destruction of the old me. I am rebuilt of something I don't fully understand. Like I'm never going to get it anyway. I'm shot. I'm better than all of this, not sure why I keep repeating this over and over again. But the thing is, do I give you 'Pandora's' Freedom? Do I let you inside even though it would hurt like a motherfucker. Believe me I want you to read it more than anything but the timing is all wrong, confessing my absolute undying love for you is total bullshit right now... That you're the reason I stay alive. That nothing else matters. My world and my life is for your taking...

So this is what I've been reduced to in my grand scheme of things? I've wasted my time dealing with all of this, and all of my demons that flow within my veins, like a spinning room. I want only two things you and freedom, one is slightly more obtainable than the other. But some things just keep going, no matter how hard I try to move away from it. It keeps coming back stronger than before, I can't close my eyes without seeing you, I am to twisted up within all of this to keep myself afloat. I'm tired of ignoring what I want, I'm tired of denying myself happiness, I'm just sick of nothing going according to plan. I'm just sick of living... I trust you, I trust you enough to let you in as far as you have, you've read the books, you still don't have any answers, to my questions, maybe if you were to read VIII it might make sense but I can't. Not yet, not at this point it would be like opening Pandora's Box and all the fucking crap that would be revealed is just too damaging. Maybe I'm too scared to find out the truth, I don't want to know, I'd rather live in my head. Where only I can seem to hurt myself. Not that I'm saying you'd hurt me, no of course you wouldn't, you wouldn't intentionally hurt me as I wouldn't want to hurt you... But knowing me, I would, I'd never want to, believe me, I would never hurt you, but I do, I push everyone away in the end. I keep people at a distance so I don't have to deal with them forever, but you, you're different, you got inside my head, my heart, all of it, like I thought I was going to die alone, by my own hand alone in less than seven years now. But you gave me fucking purpose a life that is worth sticking with, that we are not all nihilistic, self-serving and hollow. That people can be real (whatever that means in this day and age). I surrounded right now and I see nothing worth liking about 90% of them, the other 10% is a safety measure. You know it all. What I can't say...

So I'm not so sure where I stand in all that I do, I'm totally gone, for her... Like all can do is eat, sleep, think, drink her. 24 hours a day. Go on tell her it's the guy who loves you more than life itself [That is a stupid thing to say since you don't value your life, so that's empty but I know what I feel for her is something absolute]. No it is not going great you hopes she opens her eyes and sees the truth. Once again you finished without saying anything you actually mean... I did mean it, I just can't tell you. I can't tell you, no matter how much I want to... I LOVE YOU. I want to scream it from the rooftops.

Massive displacement, taking control, my situation is all falling apart and into place again. A little more fractured, and less stable. But my focus is an aim I have to balance my lack of goals and direction. Because it all falls into place, I've found no reason for this to happen.

This is how I'm going to do things from now on, simple movements, whenever I get down I look at the words you wrote to me, and that will pull me out. Two days later and it's still working, I'm not bulletproof, as much as I'd like to think, I'm fragile and broken, damaged to a fault. 20 years and only a handful of compliments, and that's the only time I've felt like it was said by someone who meant it to me. It broke me down (in a good way), I'm still on a crash and burn way of living. But I have people who give a damn about me now, someone I could count on if I fall in the fire. I always thought I was better off alone, I always wanted that, I still do, people not only make you sad/angry but they can make you happy (yes it's the reverse of the expression), I've been torn down so many times now, so many times I forgotten how many now. But only once to my recollection have I been pulled up and dusted off. I still laugh at the nice line, but I suppose I am, to a fault, I am the purest form of nice, I don't fake it for something I don't realise I am anyway. But the expression "nice guys finish last" flashes in my head... BASTARDS... They are right every god-damn time, I have a heart that is so locked up I want nobody in... The only place I'm safe. Unless I'm with you... It all comes bleeding through then, when I'm with you... How many more times can I ignore it? I Love you...

This is the divine send off, my parting words to the old me back when the world used to be a bit more understandable, the rewritten rules all sprawled out for me to read. Just like you wanted, that was always my problem, this is repeatative, in all senses, but I try to figure out all the rest before my final stage, it all prep work for what is to come, all forms of this illusion I have created to lie to myself into believing this is it... The world is makes more sense than it did, I suppose that is the one time it really matters, it's still a hollow place, a cold hollow void. Like it all fell apart inside my head. It's all I can think of to say, the same lines over and over again, fall apart and something about my head, a need a new line, a new freedom, a new fix to everything like my sins caused all this to happen again. My lines have all fallen into place and finally it all makes sense to the world... Or something like that... The whole idea of evil, am I an evil person? I have done terrible things, maybe not much, but it holds alot more value than what a normal person is capable of... And it has all come undone again... This is where I can stand in the edge of it all the world is about to pull me under because I didn't get it, what I really wanted, what I have is great, fine, but it could have been so much more I suppose this is what I get, a taste... Nothing more, I find it a little bit agravating... But it is fine right now, like my divine chaos, is in order... But still sometimes I want more. But I don't need this like I needed her, it's a totally different scenario, I think, yes it is different, you're not hanging on a thread for her. Two voices... One right, one wrong, but both correct. But I know what I feel is true... Force my hand, taking it out on you, letting you deal with my demons for a while. I don't know if it does? It never helped me out of the hole, but things don't eat me up anymore, I find all doable, desaturated, but not grey. colors all appear that way. Not bright only sometimes. Only in those crazy moments. It's burning down my world, only ashes and debri... So much left to do...

And letting you see through me now only consumes me... And watch me fall apart. I am always the same syndrome repeating over and over again, I am fine, I am okay in my skin, my flesh... I hide behind my walls of maybe, nevers, and knowing better is not an excuse. It is simply a denial game, a way out of what you thought was true, like the... Like the... Something, I forgot the word a long time ago... This is what they meant when they spoke the truth to you and all the games that were played. And I believed your lies, I found them to be the honest truth, but I suppose that was the problem. You thought it was fine, you knew better, like it was one big fucking game. This is what was meant to happen I saw through the lines and walls and barriers. This is the total game and this notes hold no real meaning maybe some underline subconsious desire but really it's another cryptic mind game (they are so much fun, wouldn't you agree). But none of this matters anymore... I have found my own demons within my head, it is now about cleaning the rest out and fixing all the bullet wounds... I am now right here and fixing it all, the idea is gone and my faith is faded and gone... The ticking clock, just slowly killing us... This is what remains of my blood stained corpse. And right now, the mind is a game, a massive collapse, I never know the right words to say to you, I never have, I can write it, like no tomorrow, I can write my whole madness down, this is all I can do, locked up inside my game of a head... But I know better than to fall head first in all of it again. I am back in the hole, again and again...

Just a simple way to fill in the spaces, the lines and holes that need to be completly removed from my madness, the lines I have built up across the years and the closing wounds, and the defining moments that made them sink... I have lost myself a long time ago, I lost it all bit by bit, the one thing I have not lost just can't seem to get rid of it. I have been tearing down my walls, taking it all down, I have removed myself from what was the fake, the real me is screaming for release, I have bled pints of blood for my freedom, my freedom from all the worlds problems. I am drifting away, away from my anger towards my problems... I have calmed over all the things that have happened, I no longer care about it. I am built for the kill, I am designed for all that the world can throw at me. Give me hope and take it away, allow me to trust only to break those illusions. I hollowed off to the world I don't need it to survive infact I don't want to live in this world if all I have to look forward to is more of the same... But all that is about to happen, to change, it's all falling into place...