(9) Fuck private journals, man. If you have something to say that you don't want to say out loud, use initials. If you don't have something to say that you can't say out loud period, write it on goddamn microsoft word and lock the document, or email yourself. It makes everyone else too curious!!! That is all. I once was a private journal-er too, I'll admit, but it ceases to be hipocrisy as I saw the error of my ways. Now that is all. Goodnight.

(8) Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinkin', maybe six feet ain't so far down... Ah, the days before Scott Stapp became a complete douche...hooray! Anyway...at the moment I'm pretty mellow. I'm going to UF early with Mat to work on some stuff today...hopefully will make some progress. I realized today my locker smells like coffee...you know you go to starbucks WAY too much when... I wanted to talk to RW today but people kept interupting us, then she left for the rest of the day haha...and i fucked up my guitar exam pretty bad, thinking that it said "name..." instead of "label..." so...yeah i lost marks for that no doubt...shitty. German was good though. Last day of German ever, I realized...dead depressing. Ich liebe Deutschklasse... what'll I do haha. A while ago I went into this huge nineties and early new millenium craze and downloaded a whole bunch of songs from then...thanks to the internet letting me find them, and internet streaming of a sick Toronto radio station (the Edge). I like it...better than the crap we have here...great alt rock/new age/whatever you want to call it rock stuff. The live streaming also sometimes loads a VERY fun game/past time...I thought it was an ad so didn't touch it at first, but then I realized it was a fun (and impossible) game. http://www.edge.ca/station/sp_player_faq.cfm Some of the songs from years ago that I downloaded were... (song/artist) Stupid Girl-Cold..............not a bad song...there's better though Think Twice-Eve 6......LOVE this song...mainly the melody of it but the message is nice too Fever for the Flava-Hot Action Cop........very dirty song...hilarious and amusing. I recommend the video...haha Rest of my Life-Unwritten Law.........Found this one by accident actually, I'd never heard it before...love it though, the guitar in it is really pretty Stacy's Mom-Fountains of Wayne.......cuz who doesn't love stacy's mom?! Weak and Powerless-A Perfect Circle........not a bad song, meh Fall Back Down-Rancid........Great, upbeat song. Found this one through the Edge...love the chorus. Kryptonite-Three Doors Down.....always loved the lyrics and guitar to this one. American Psycho-Treble Charger......just for the novelty, really...simple guitar, but fun to play Boys of Summer-The Ataris......great cover song. Arials-SOAD........decent song, nice riffs Drive-Incubus.......Good song, nice guitar, good lyrics. The Energy-Audiovent......I didn't even KNOW that this song was old, let alone mainstream...I found it through an AWESOME video game that I'll have to talk about some other time. Now that You're Leaving-Not By Choice.....Love the song, love the guitar, just the energy of this song...gets me pumped...even if the song's not overly happy haha. Swing, Swing-AAR.....pretty good song, always liked it. I Hate Everything About You-Three Days Grace.....One of the VERY FEW TDR songs that I like... I HATE their new stuff... wayyy over-glorified and over-played, in my opinion. Get Loose-The Salads.....greaaaaaat pump-up song...impossible to sing to. haha. Hands Down-Dashboard Confessional.....Glad I found this one, never knew what it was called...really like the guitar and the melody of it...the lyrics, not quite as good, but not bad. Karma Police-Radiohead.....yeah. Lyrics are great. Melody and guitar are too. Look Out Below-Closure......not bad, not bad... Cute Without the E-Taking Back Sunday.....I'd never heard this song before, but downloaded it anyway, I quite like it, great tune, lyrics aren't bad. Meet Virginia-Train.....I like the mellowness of this song Show Me How To Live-Audioslave.....I like it...yeah. Good Times-Finger Eleven.......Great Finger Eleven song. Love it...sooo much better than their newer crap, or what I've heard of it. p.s. "one thing" SUCKS (It was overplayed... otherwise maybe it wouldn't have such a bad name in my books. And paralyzer...you can't rhyme place with place with place...sorry) Broadway-GooGooDolls.....Only liked this song recently (like, three or less years ago), because I used to get offended back in 2000 at the line "see the young man sittin in the old man's bar, waitin for his turn to die" ...I was an odd kid. Great, beautiful song haha.

(7) So, apparently Heath Ledger is dead...woah, sure didn't see that one coming... Not that I knew him, obviously, or even that I was particularly familiar with his acting-I've seen one of his movies (Brothers Grimm) but it was pretty good. No doubt the damn media's hounding his house and every bit of what's left to piece it together...so we'll all know more soon, naturally. Media are vultures, hooray for the irony in the face of a dead man... So today I think I made the German teacher a bit sad, cuz I'm not sure if I'll be able to go to Germany next year...whatwith three upcoming Nationals within the next two years (or three depending on what adult team i join) to various places around the country, and possibly two Worlds championships, one in Vancouver and who knows where the other one will be... not to mention some day I have to figure out where I'm going in life...yayyy. I'd still like to go to Germany, though. Although it's an exchange trip. I'm afraid of people I don't know coming into my house...haha. My half-sister is twelve and saying she loves her boyfriend...oh lord, she's in for it. I suppose I shouldn't interfere, though...goooood luck, sis. I realized the other day she's the reason why I hate the grade nines and such girls who dress like whores so much...because I know she's had the same influences, and I don't want her to be caught up in that kind of bullshit. It's inevitable though, and it's frustrating. As long as she doesn't get into teenage pregnancy or drugs though, she should be fine, she's a good kid. Twelve year olds...what to do.

(6) I don't think I have much to say at the moment...we'll see where this goes Man, some people on here can be so...high-strung? Argument-hungry? Not sure of the word I'm looking for. I know for me, last year I sounded quite a lot like some people here...but if I met my last year's self, I also know I'd punch myself in the face :) If you live through it, believe it or not, you'll be just fine. It could take a while. You'll never believe me, and I don't understand, and you'll scoff at me. Sometimes it comes back. Most of the time though, you'll turn out just fine. Oh. One more thing. Someone cares. Always. Sometimes you don't know the person who cares. There's always someone, though. On another note. I discovered yesterday something very odd on my computer. I have an HP Pavilion a1110n...whatever that means. Anyway, I was looking for a movie-making application off the Start menu, and found this thing called "Microsoft Plus! Dancer LE". Basically, you click it, and it has two dancers to choose from, one couple and one asian girl...and then you start up media player or whatever, and the dancer starts to dance. However, it's not some animated dancer. You can tell it's a blue-screened dancer, an actual person...and it's hilarious!! The dancing is atrocious-although admittedly better than my own-but soo distracting. I guess I have more to say than I thought. Today our German class invaded the Spanish class...Frau had been showing us videos about food, and we knew that our neighbours the Spaniards were having a fiesta...so we went and ate their food. It was great. Kelly played the only "German" song she had, which was an english version of 99 luftballons (99 red balloons) GREAT song, by Goldfinger. Original by Nena, but MAN the guitar in the Goldfinger version is soooo gooooood... One of these days I'll learn how to play it, probably during exams-what else is there to do?? I have to fill out an application for Team Canada...it's pretty fun. I can't wait till tryouts... Even if I don't make it, it'll be a great experience, then in two years my chances will be even better. In guitar class I got a 98.7 on my summative...1.3% away haha. Tomorrow I'm going to watch UF in the dome with Heather... should be pretty fun. We're gonna party it up while the guys kill themselves doing fitness and scrimmages haha. I just typed out a list for Mat, all the past players that I know personally who made team canada...and man, thinking, am I as good as they were when they played? Damnnn. I don't think so though. I'd better stop before this gets any longer...I'll continue some other day.

(5) Today wasn't a bad day. Finished my german project, it's amazing...it's a video. it has explosions and the end credits are played to the mario theme song. That's how i'll tie this journal to songmeanings...the super mario bros. theme song. what a great song. No lyrics. But hey, it's MARIO. Yesterday we got caught playing with toy cars in the hallway. It was hilarious. We wanted a car chase scene in our project but obviously didn't want to put our lives in danger...so instead we got toy cars and chased each other with them, going "NEOWWWW!!! VRRROOOOOM!!!!!" and crashing them. Then a teacher came. Three sixteen and seventeen year old girls playing with toy cars (very loudly) in a seemingly deserted hallway...no comment.

(4) A little explanation for my note #2...i never really like reading notes when it's letters if i can't always tell the gender right away haha. so yeah. the start of this note is just to go with that other note...so yeah. MR-female, was a best friend, the kind of friend you hear about in screwed up soap-operas or the lives of stereotypical highschool students, which is quite depressing. You know the type. Best friend who goes after the guys you like, dresses slutty, bla bla, then a bit farther, fucks the guy you like, denies it to your face, tells you it's true, then when he denies it, she decides it's not true, then a year later when she's gone he admits it was true. You know, that kind of friend. DR-female, quite supportive but not usually trustworthy it would seem...is either loved or loathed by most, but i've yet to fully make up my mind...she's helped me out of lots of stuff though. Em-my boyfriend. For now anyway, if he moves to wherever the hell he wants to go for university i'm assuming he'll want to break up, but asking him at this point what he plans for the future is too hard. RW-female, as close to a best friend as i could say i have right now, but i know i don't have one...and i'm not complaining, best friends can be trouble, i'm not all "ohh wahh nobody likes me i don't have a best friend" i'm just probably better off without one. She's a great girl. Found out some stuff today. First off boys are weird haha. Well not that that's not a commonly accepted statement among girls and women everywhere haha... basically, i received all too much info about Em and his sleepovers with his friends, where they sometimes lose clothes...ew...haha boys. And talk about relationships? Interesting. And DR has had an interesting past few months, but won't be able to achieve everything she'll want, probably a good thing. My coach is gonna write a nomination letter for me, too! yay one step closer to Worlds. Should be great, tryouts if i don't make the team, anyway. Well that's all for tonight...some other time i'll write more...

Third entry... and now that i've gotten the last two thoughts off my brain, i can leave it alone. Introduction, i guess? that's what most people seem to do...then again that's usually the first post haha. So in a year I'll graduate highschool. I live in Canada. Would it come as a surprise to say i have a somewhat screwed-up past? I wouldn't think so-journals here are so full of pain, as trivial as some of the problems may seem...all in perspective. I don't think I've commented on a song once...the only thing i've ever done here is look up lyrics, look for good music, read people's journals and...write two journals. Which will entertain no one, no doubt. Oh, right. I like the more alternative rock type music, with good guitar riffs or great lyrics, a lot of things that fall simply under "rock", if you could call that category simple...nothing too on the "emo" side though; as long as it's not mindless crap (ie rap, hip hop) mumbling into microphones about their drugs, girls and cars...and not being able to write music themselves for five times their money's worth of the "objects" they mumble about. I like to make people laugh, even if i'm not laughing on the inside. This is how i work. Those of you who've entertained me (in a good way, in no way am i laughing at anyone-entertain in the sense that i have nothing to do) thanks.

If... I had never met MR? I would be better friends with the rest of them. Might have planned to go to Spain, even. Not that I'd really want to, though. Don't really see the point. I might have a clothes and makeup obsession. For that, thank freakin god. I'd be trusting. I'd be less hateful. Less angry in general. I'd have better marks. Or at least I would have for last year. Which would have probably contributed to this year. Grade eight, years ago, would have been better. Grade ten would have been much better. Confidence would be present. Confidence would not be present. I might not be writing this. I had never met Matt? I wouldn't have gone through three years of pain and uncertainty. I wouldn't have had so much unrequited love. I would never have joined UF. I would have never met Paula and the rest of the grade 12s of '06. I would arguably never have met DR, or at least not for a while. And consequently, all members of OJ. That said, last year, without UF, I would not have had a purpose. I would not have a boyfriend right now, for certain. My past would be plain. For that, I won't innitial your name. You've helped me more than you'll ever know. Thank you, and I'm so sorry. I had never met Em? I probably would have moved to PH, or gotten much further with those plans. Which could have possibly been much worse. Or I might have just given up. A lot of my summer would have been pretty dull. Little comfort in UF. I might have been able to better concentrate on my studies, though. Hardly a fair trade nonetheless. I'd also be less miserable some days though, the days when I know he's going to leave for university, and I wonder what the fuck he's thinking, doing this to me. I had never met DR? I wouldn't have been on OJ last winter, and thus might not be going out with Em right now. Would have nothing to keep me going last winter. I wouldn't be as good friends with lots of people I know. Everything from January '07 to January '08 would be completely different. That whole thing with Matt in early grade nine wouldn't have happened. Basically, all last year would have been shit without her. She hardly knows it. I had never met RW? Another influential person, in a more subtle way. All too much in common, it seems, and it's depressing. She's feeling really misunderstood right now, and from what I can tell it's exactly what I went through last year. Except she's more like MR than she'll ever know, or that I'll ever tell her. Luckily not the worst parts of MR, just sometimes I'm talking to her and I know it, that they are alike. The last part of grade ten would have been different, she was great to hang out with, still is now but it's different. I sometimes feel as if I'm hanging with a younger version of myself. Except she's older. Weird. I had never moved to the area i live in now? I'd have finished with PP then gone on to VM or something like that...then no doubt ended up back at H. Where I'd probably meet a lot of the people who I'm friends with now...but it depends, I guess, on who I met along the way. You never know how people will influence you... I think it's great looking back on influential people and moments in life, wonder how things could have changed, would be different. Makes you appreciate the value of some people... and hate what others have done to you.

I wonder how you live with yourself More so how i was able to live with myself putting up with you Interesting, to note how many hate you, more so how many don't Blatant lies that we all believed, and why? To insist that there's a good side to everyone? Maybe on your heel where you were held to be dipped in the river of bullshit Good inside, perhaps I doubt he was that good, better you than me And yet some still take it, ensuingly talk about how deficient you are Why pretend? Call it now, heads up or turn tail Say it outright, like you would always admonish, But never did yourself. Or did, but never meant, and you will get what's coming Not yet, of course, you are too busy deceiving And are quite good at it, it would seem Your good fortune will run out one day, it is certain If only you'd had sense enough to be yourself You wouldn't be caught in your own web of lies, being slowly devoured By everyone you ever thought you'd wholly beguiled I wonder, do you know? Our backs will heal, but no doubt in the end yours will have too many daggers To heal an inch or reconcile What a waste of a life