024. so christmas was good, the next few days were rough, my fault, i know. i snooped, when i really shouldn't have, but i learned my lesson. =] i got my new camera for christmas. it's amazzzzing.

Interlude. And I’ll react when faces find you, with jealous fits that gag and bind you, because nothing hurts like nothing at all, when imagination takes full control. And as they all grow older, the truth will be understood, because we never turn out the way we thought we would.

023. so i've come to realize that the idea of best friends, is often mistaken, just like the idea of love. when does someone become your best friend? just like when do you realize you're in love? i believe both are confused. i do believe though, that i have found love, but a best friend? i'm not so sure anymore. i mean maria is a very close friend, but i feel like she pushes me around, and that no matter what, she believes she is always right. i'll admit, i'm not the greatest friend, but, i do try. what is a best friend? i'm not sure, but my definition of one is: someone who always has your back, is understanding, caring, doesn't judge you, and so many other qualities that just can't be put into words. have i ever had a best friend? do i have a best friend? i don't even know anymore. but what i do know, is that maria is one of the closest friends i've ever had, i've lost all my other ones, or just drifted apart. she says its good to finally know that i put matt over her, which isn't true, but in the case she's mad at me over, she isn't right. matt wouldn't lie about it, he wouldn't care, and would just tell me if he did or not. so her saying that i think she is lying to me, isn't true. i just think she's mistaken, since you can't really tell someone's voice over the phone, especially when you don't know who else is there or anything. recommendation: stop and stare by one republic. Stop and stare, I think I'm moving but I go nowhere, Yeah, I'm moving. Everyone gets scared, But I become what I can't be. You stop, don't wonder why you're here, not there, And you'd give anything to get what's fair, but fair ain't what you really need. Oh, you don't know me. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah I know everyone gets scared, I become what I can't be. Oh, do you see what I see?

022. the last few days have been confusing. i've been upset for no reason. like extremely depressed, and it sucks. matt's friend pranked mia, and she was soooo pissed and thought it was him. i was beyond pissed too, i mean i wasn't sure if it was him or not, but you can't prank your girlfriend's best friend and not expect her to be pissed off at all. i mean he treats me amazing, but not mia. things have gotta change, i know he hates her but come on, just treat her with some respect. but since it wasn't him on the phone, i can't really criticize him, even though mia insists it was him talking. i'm not sure who to believe, i don't think matt would lie to me, well i atleast hope not, and well mia could be mistaken, since it was just on the phone. oh well i guess, it's history. i got matt sick. =[ i figured i would eventually. with my wonderful luck, now that i'm almost better, he gets sick. maybe i'll make him some soup and take care of him. hehe. =] okay, so if you read this, check out these amazing songs, if you haven't heard of them before. stop and stare by one republic. pieces of me by sum 41. with me by sum 41. on your porch by the format. the freshman by verve pipe. land of no return by wild sweet orange. no one would riot for less by bright eyes. they're all amazing, with amazing lyrics and amazing meaning. recommendation: with me by sum 41. I don't want this moment to ever end. Where everything's nothing without you. I wait here forever just to to see you smile, cause it's true, I am nothing without you. Through it all, I made my mistakes, I'll stumble and fall but I mean these words. I don't want this moment to ever end. Where everything's nothing without you.

021. today stunk, but i've learned a few things. you can't depend on anyone or anything, for your happiness. theres a quote from one of my favorite mansions songs that fits how i feel: "sometimes you just gotta be alone and if you can't be happy on your own, then how will you ever be happy with somebody else." matt worked today, and it was about 7 30pm before i even heard from him once. i know he's working, but i mean theres no way he went 7 hours without a cig, so he could have called, but didn't. he said he saw michelle and screamed at her and she slapped him across his face. i hate that he talked to her, more than me. i mean it's whatever, i don't need him to make me happy, you can't live a life like that, depending on other people for your own happiness. if you do, you're just setting yourself up for pain. recommendation: on your porch by the format. now we've got something to prove and i, i can see their eyes but tell me something, can they see mine? 'cause whats left to lose, i've done enough and if i fail well then i fail but i gave it a shot, and these last three years, i know they've been hard, but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun... even if its alone.

020. today was a snow day. =]] i slept reaaaaaaaaaaaal late and did nothing but argue with everyone today. well not everyone, only bob and aaron. both were complete assholes today. aaron is the most immature 25 year old you could ever possibly meet. i wasn't slamming doors or yelling uncontrollably today, he was. reaaaaaal mature. and bob was especially annoying. it sucked that matt had to work today, i talked to him twice all day. he has to work till late, i hate worrying about whether he'll make it home safe or not. oh wells, what can ya do. he's gotta live his life and work. todays one of the suckiest days i've had in a while. i hope theres no school tomorrow either, since theres a half day, they can't have a two hour delay. recommendation: land of no return by wild sweet orange. There's a sunrise every morning that you miss 'cause you're asleep. There's a sunset every evening, you miss in your car leaving to wherever it is that you're going. So when you go, tell me where are you going. 'Cause there's no place you can run to, forget all your longing. Is it true, is it true what they say? In these woods there's something real strange. You can walk for what seems like days and the trees all start to take face, hold as you're running in place, and then they all start to scream, "This is the land of no returning!" Oh, when will you start believing that there are monsters beneath your bed? And those voices of self-destruction could never begin in your head. Oh and love is no illusion sometimes I can see it in your eyes. And hear it moan and tumble down the hill when the traffic dies.

019. today was good. i did nothing all day till matt came around 6-ish. i love just cuddling with him, watching movies on my bed. i wish we could just lay there forever. if you haven't heard of the band bright eyes, ohmygod, go check them out. connor, the lead singer, is fucking amazing, beyond belief. all of his lyrics are so empowering and deep. recommendation: no one would riot for less by bright eyes. Wake, baby, wake. Leave that blanket around you, there's no where we're safe. I'm leaving this place, but there's nothing I'm planning to take... Just you. Just you.

018. grr i'm getting sick. my eyes are bloodshot and burning, heads killing me, hot and cold. it sucks! my book finally came, for all you reading this, check it out. it's called revolution on canvas-volume 1, poetry from the indie music scene. it's pretty amazing. i like a lot of it. instead of a recommendation for a song, i'll recommend the book!! recommendation: revolution on canvas: volume 1 edited by rich balling. With the math of you and I aside...it's the skin on your jawbone woven into you. You are my serenity, when I think of you, I forget to breathe.

Interlude. Good Morning Dear, I hope I didn’t wake you too soon, because my mind is growing tired, too much thinking what I should do. I picture you out there, it must be beautiful this time of year. All those East Coast leaves, floating round like embers from burning trees. well the weather out here is just the same, but the garden that you planted remains.

017. hello again. life's been good. my laptop died like last saturday, i'll call to buy the disk eventually. i'm not really in any hurry for some reason. it'll just break again anyways. yesterday was matt's day off from work, i was so happy to see him from like 3-10. =]] i thought he was mad or upset at first, he always seems to get upset when i gotta get off the phone, but he's always the one to get off first. i miss writing in this journal, big time. i never have time anymore. recommendation: do you remember by the summer obsession. I know them bruises ain't from fallin' down, they seem to show when your drunk Dad's around. We can go whenever you let go. Do you remember we said we'd run, away together, holding on to one another. I'll steal the car, steal the credit cards, we'll run forever, holding on to one another.