I struggle to know you. I have seen you for years. Hours invested for what? I never knew how you felt about me. but when you said "you know I love you" I knew I had been tricked and that you had to die. you tricked me into loving you. you were just a joke. That i was the butt of. when will I say its done. That we evolved into something that must end. Why am i waiting for the sea to drag us in when I can just crush this sham of a castle. That now I feel like I made alone. Like michealangelo I made me a stone man. who is cold and heartless granite and flawless.

I fell into a void it was so big I thought it was nothing but it was a cave so I am patting the walls but I know there is no exit just deep darkness When I am tired I lay on its ground I am afraid I dare something to eat me come and get me come and find me but I am even more afraid of the darkness because it is nothing It cant digest but it devourers you it cant move but it surrounds you and I can hear it breathing as it takes me

I think I have someone elses hands. You see, I got my palm read. I learned nothing. It was really quit sad. I am not really the person he described. Not like what he was saying wasnt true but he didnt acknowledge that I was trying to repress those things. I am trying not to be what even my hands express. The fine creases that seem like nothing could they really describe anything.

Something bad is coming but its a secret. Dont tell anyone about the damage. I am not hurting. no no no. I am not mad. I really want to laugh. For the damage is going to be done. Its going to fall like an anchor from the sky on to my waiting enemy. Yes my enemy is waiting they think they are safe. But no they arent safe at all. They are far from safe. It doesnt really matter because here it comes. Its going to be bad.

Ive been anxious for the last few days. I dont know. I am looking for what I am afraid of. I am scared to turn a corner and for it to be standing there looking me dead in my face. I am looking for the akward heart ache and the after math of mass confusion. I am looking for what I miss or who. Maybe fear is just a symptom of missing. Maybe the cause of my anxiousness isnt fear at all. they think they are going to surprise me:I who do nothing but wait once I answered the phone,and the caller hung up- very clever They think they can scare me. I am always scared. -Franz Wright

I heard before that god hates a heart that devises evil My mind reels with thoughts of harming you but my heart is in a different place. My heart is telling just drop it. Sweet satisfaction. Devastating if I dont do anything at all. The best revenge is being better than you. The best revenge is betraying you. The best revenge is destroying you. Putting your self esteem through the loop. I will destroy. Somehow Karma will do it for me.

Is there ever a time to change. Why is everyting written in stone for you. They are not for me. I am like water. I trickle through the cracks. I adapt to the current. I corrode the most solid of souls. And when I feel like going away I am gone. only to reappear in another form.Why do you take me as such a weak form because I am steadfast and placid. Because when I am stepped on I go around. I leave a residue that is often ignored. But I am everything. I am pure and I am healing. I am refreshing and Forever.

Why is life such a perfect disappointment?? I cant say I always get what I want but I have found contentment knowing that its not coming. I am sound minded and at peace yet little things seem to ruffle my feathers. I am hurt before the blow is dealt. Yet I knew it was coming and afterwards I am not phased. Last night I argued with someone I thought I liked. I am not bothered about the affects I just have no alibi for feeling the way I do. I just did it because I could. So I was thinking of my options. call him today and be rejected or worse ignored. Or wait for a while and risk the chance of not being rejected. Either way I am probably going to be rejected right. I am tired of being rejected. Its becoming a bore. I like the chase though. i like when a guy plays hard to get. Then when I get him all figured out I realize what a mess he is.

In a world far from my own there is a girl much like myself. When I sit she sits. When I cry she cries. But we will probably never meet. She is wondering what I am wondering. But she thinks she is alone. She thinks her pain is felt by only her, she thinks her sorrow is so much her own. And when she cries I cry. When she stands I stand. She is as much of me as I am of her. We may be time apart or space but when I die she dies.

I thru up last night. It was sour. Its contents were foul and unrecognizeable. Like some people I know. When I take them in they are great. My pallette savors their every idea. But when I throw them up I realize how truly disgusting they all are and I dont want to eat anymore. I wish I never ate at all. I need to detox. My body my mind and my soul are all wasting. I feel they are rotting decomposing and I am a living zombie. Its funny because my person is not corrupted by drug or drink. Like others. Its just time its corroding my grandjure. Punishing me like sedement. Turning me into sand washing me into the sea.