This is what I define myself as... did you hear that?? Its the sound of silence. Its the faint electrical buzz of emptiness. It is starring at a white peice of paper and observing its content. It is nothing but I found it is my everything. My every dream hope and love is there. And I cant leave. Not right now. Im waiting. You should be too. I dont know what we should be waiting for. I still havent found what Im looking for. I guess I am just waiting to change.

Hang me up to dry-cold war kids Today was dumb I never felt so mad for wasting my time. Never fuck with my money, food or time. Jose does it all. He is swimming with the sharks. The fake dumb and soulless. It took me 2.2 seconds to materialize that he was fake. He is a shark in training. Why??? He supposed to be my right hand man but he is Judas. He can keep his kisses. and his change. I think I should examine people more closely. I see it but I just ignore it I am a fool for company. Now I have an ultimadum. Love people for what they arent or Hate them for what they are. or just hate them because they have no reason. But alast I am still mortal.

Booya. this is like the 5th time I am writting this entry so I am fucking annoyed. Point is boys are either annoyed or not listening. Until you talk about them then their ears perk up like lil puppies. So I rubb their bellies. pet them. tell them what a good boy they are and move on to the next breed. Its simple. I dont know what other girls see. Boys rock. but I need more action. i need a guy to come along and rock my sox. haha emo kid saying. I want a guy to stick. I want a guy to accidently fit all the requirements so I can show him what its like to have a real girl who cares. Guys are pretty simple. Easy to maniulate (which i refuse to do)but pretty simple.

For the first time I can say I was jealous. These last two days sucked and I have been so sad. But yea there is this guy a cute lil country boy. He is ok kinda a prick but fuccable. I harass and play but its useless so now Im bored. Im like a guy in the sense that either your fuccable or your a friend. I dont want to do either anymore I guess.

Today was a good day. I love being social, meeting new people, and using cameras. and I did it all today. I hate people who say they like meeting people but only meet the same people or are really not friendly at all. I really do like meeting people because your learning and dont even realize it. I talked to Johnny too. It is really weird talking to him I dont know him like I thought. I wish I could do to him what he does to me. Confused and miserable. Hes like are you still going to marry me?? And I just roll my eyes. and say yea Im going to marry you all right. And hes like Im saving up for that ring. All I can think is why would he say that to me?? Does he mean that are is he being an asshole. I dont want to get guys I dont even try I think I am better not getting them. but they should just say what they mean and mean what they say. Some well most of them do. And I do. I told him I would marry him. but hes gay. stress gay.

Today was ok. I had a good cry last night. It was hard to cry again. I would have much rather smoked a cigarette. Today was funny. I woke up listening to 80s music. Like romeo void and kagagooroo and the cure. It makes me happy. Everyone is telling me that they think Im pregnant. The one time Im confident that Im not. My mom my aunt gossipers and Jose. But I know Im not... right?? I guess that happens sometimes. If I did have a baby I would honestly be happy. It would be a big regret but my baby daddy is not a good guy. I attract crazies. He is in love with me but I dont even like him. I say in love like only a crazy guy can be. I just keep thinking if its a girl its name is going to be Teilula and a boy name is Johnny. Those are my favorite names. I would be a good mommy. but I would be scared to explain my life. I would be afraid I would hurt them. Jose says I should get an abortion if I am. That is so sad. What if I never get pregnant?? That is my flesh. Those are 23 of my chromisomes.

Today was long and lonely like almost everyday. I want to be missed but its obvious Im not. I want to be cared about but its hard to beleive I am. I must be gone. Am I being self centered?? I dont even know. Self pity is a sickness. I wish didnt exist. I wish I didnt exist and here I am not existing wishing that I was. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont think I ever did. ever.

Soo...today on a kind date like thing with Jacob. My kinda boyfriend I run into johnny. No hes not just an old fling or old flame. I honestly believe he is the one. I know Im young and you dont meet the one til after your 28 but yeah he is. He is the one and only guy who makes me upset for not even noticing me even when I know he is. He is the only guy who I get and I would be completely devoted to. He is the only guy I met who makes me tingle. He is the only one I miss. and I dont want to put him out there so I will say he is with some one. Someone who treats him like shit. Someone who doesnt know how great he is. And that person at one time told him not to look at me because the way he looked at me. He even admitted that he couldnt look at me cause his feelings were strong. And he stops talking to me all the time. And he makes me wish we never met. but... ok i think you get it. So today we run into each other. We were around a group of like 5. He came up to me and poked my shoulder. I look at him and said oh so your talking to me now. He says yea. I was holding a baby shower bag. and he says its a boy. and I say yea Johnny jr. and we laugh a little. He had a lighter and i said to him I thought you didnt smoke any more. I do I am going to smoke on my break he said. Ive been smoking more since youve been gone. I am depressed he said. I said oh really *rolling my eyes* he asked me were I went. I tell him to a relatives. I continue to say I had a failed attempt to get an apartment. then I said maybe you should get me and Johnny jr a house. and he says give me a month do you want to move to highland park. I turn away i say softly i dont know where that is. We laugh I point to the bus and say to jacob theres your bus. and we walk away. I dont know why I let this shit bother me. Most of the time I pretend like I never met. He told me once that maybe one day I will meet someone who will make my heart bloom like a flower (i know corny) And it only took him 3 days for me to not want to let go. But I have to there is nothing left I can do.

I never really liked Joy division. and I always thought that was strange because I love the 80s. but when they started to compare them to interpol I had to give them a listen. then I heard this song love will tear us apart again. then I heard all the covers for this one song. This girl group called Nouvelle did the best. I love this song. Her voice is tragic and the words are melancholy but matter of fact. And love will tear us apart...again it happens everyday several times to one person its scarier to me then water boarding its scarier to me then a mamed deaf dwarf who is a burn victim from top to bottom wait never mind dwarf deaf and mamed is much scarier!!!

No ones knows anything for sure so Im sure this is all a dream. I think everything is the way it is because of the definition we give it. So I know nothing for sure because people showed me how. And none of those people are the ones who created it. Just people who gave it a timely definition. And maybe their not the ones who gave it that definition so they heard what someone else heard. So one knows. I think ignorance is bliss. And some people are ignorant about the wrong things. What if love is what sends you to hell??=P Suka. Not the emotion but what people do because of it. maybe you and I were never meant to love just coexist with out ever intersecting another humans orbit. I want that life. No hurt . you cant cause anyone pain. you just coexist with them. and live a good peaceful life. But what am I saying that would be boring as FUCK.