turns out he wasnt ignoring me, my messages just didnt come through. x3 so i went out and met up with Ben and Nige, and I DIDN'T GET PISSED OFF WITH THEM! (Y) Breakthrough breakthrough. but then they went to golf. so i went and saw Baize.. ent seen him in like, a week. he said he was getting withdrawal. xD its kind of weird seeing him with short hair again. haha. apparently it looks better when he gels it up. and he had a cool shirt. and he said he's like, THAT close to getting with Martha. its all very tense. so caught up with Baize.. then went home. woop de woop woop! listened to the murder trilogy on the way home. i am ACTUALLY gonna write a story based on the murder trilogy, its THAT cool. :3 i love Laura and Geo. no ones reading this. why am i telling them?

Friday was nice. i was out with Emily, Dani, Ash and Channy, and they were all getting on. finally. the four of them have been scrapping it out over petty reasons the past few weeks, but on friday everyone was cool. it was nice. then i went to Emily's for a sleepover. it was the first sleepover ive been to in like.. a year. not counting Coleman's party, but that was more of a 'i need to crash here 'cause i cant go home when im this out of my face' than a 'can i sleep at your house tonight please?' anyway. we watched Pulp Fiction and the Boosh seasons 1 and 2. it was damn funny actually, Ems started describing sexual fantasies. xD she guessed who it was i was thinking about. then brought up Brandon Flowers. its nice to have friends who know you that well. Nige was being a proper decent friend and all. i was telling him how confused and screwed up i felt, and he said i should 'look on the bright side and not the bad side.' i mean.. thats my exact outlook on life. and i love Mr Brightside. it really cheered me up. i was meant to be going round his house today, but i dont know if i am anymore. Ben came on msn earlier and from what he said it sounds like him and Nige are out later. i'll probably join them if they are out. which is a bad idea i know, as they're probably going to be right cunts. they'll try and nick Chester and throw her in a ditch or something, thats for damn sure. but whatever. i still want to see them. i always do. Nige 'cause i have matters to pursue with him; for one, why he hates Emily so much when she's done jack; for another, why he was drunk and texting me when he was supposed to be fucking his girlfriend. and Ben 'cause, well, yeah. i like seeing him. he went on webcam when he was on msn, and i was like 'ahh.. you're pretty.' stupid whore. i was talking to the angels when i came out the shower this morning, quite literally pleading with them. i can be right pathetic. but seriously, i have insane hope that today will be a good day. maybe. oh come on, angels, please, help me out here.. so yeah Nige was meant to be fucking his girlfriend when he was texting me. 'cause everybody thinks she doesnt exist, Nige's girlfriend. Steph. and i'm being the decent mate and believing him 'cause i resolved to never abandon my friends again. but the thing is.. i dont believe him. not just the Steph business, a hell of a lot of shit. half the stuff that comes out of his mouth, i'm thinking: 'hmm.. well..' which is why ive set out to prove that Steph exists. 'cause if she does, well, i kept to my resolution and stuck by my friend. and if she doesnt, then.. well, i'll have uncovered the truth. it sounds kinda mad, doesnt it? making up an imaginary girlfriend. but i can see his reasoning behind it. try and make Alex jealous or something. try and make himself look better. i can see why someone would be driven to that kind of thing. after all, it turned out that she had imaginary people too. 'she' being one of my two best friends of all time: Geo. Geo's always kept us entertained with tales of her best (non-Laura/TD) friends; Blake, Tom and Sophie. only it turns out they dont exist. yes, really. i cant really get my head around it.. theres so much that theyve done. Blake got hit by a car, saved a kid from drowning and was gonna move to Ohio. Geo used to fancy Tom like hell. Her and Sophie sneaked the two guys into their school once. they hung out at the Eaves, and it sounded wonderful. i must say i admire Geo.. it was such a brilliantly well-constructed fantasy. i believed all of it. kind of still do. she thinks i hate her 'cause she lied to us for so long. completely the opposite. i dont feel resentment, anger, hate, anything like that. i love her even more, if anything. im so glad she came clean. (see, if Nige only came clean, then i wouldnt resent him at all..) and anyway, i owe it to her to stick by her. 'cause it was this time last year, this exact day, when i let her down so horribly. it was this time last year, the last few days of December, she was down to die. and i wasnt there. and i've never forgiven myself for it, and i dont think i ever will. but ive kept to my resolve: 'Never abandon your friends.' ..i think Nige is ignoring me. ive texted him twice and left him messages on Bebo, and he hasnt replied. he's probably gone out with Ben. ah well, i'll sit in my room and draw like the cool kid i am 83 right, this is fucked up man. do you notice my tone change thoughout this journal entry? probably not but whatever. there's two people talking. the first, the person who's been talking for my entire journal previous to this entry is Ame, All Midnight Eyes, a realist who says 'fuck' a lot. the second, who keeps trying to show herself in this entry, is TD, the Tulip Dragon. TulipDragon was my old deviantART account, and now ive returned to dA its like im turning back into her. shes hyperactive and uses a lot of smiles. i'd write journal entries on that dA account, and the tone of that journal is a HELL of a lot different to the tone of this one. probably 'cause i've changed a LOT since quitting dA as TD. (Doom Dragon battle tune is playing! i love this song 8D) but now i've returned to dA as Ame. (Y) and i've got another tab open as im writing this, so i can browse dA while i think of what to write. and i go back to the happy TD frame of mind. Oh no, Doom Dragon changed to 'By Myself' by LP. this'll bring me back down to pissed off Ame's frame of mind. im such a schizo. i talk to angels and think of myself as two people, so who am i to judge those who need imaginary best friends and girlfriends? but i didnt judge either of them, you dick. You love Geo and Nige same as always, even if they do have imaginary people. made me think. wonder if any of my friends thought Laura and Geo were imaginary when i first started talking about them? of course, i can prove their existence completely, its just a thought. yeah, i bet he is ignoring me. Cunt. oh well, i got drawing pens and an iPod. i can keep myself amused.

RULES: 1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, ETC on Shuffle. 2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. 4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name. 5. Put this on your journal. If someone says, "Is this okay?" You say? Mr Brightside. (well.. when people ask me if im okay and im not i take a Mr Brightside attitude.) How would you describe yourself? All She Wrote (this song does indeed describe my life story, so we're doing well so far) What do you like in a guy/girl? Tokyo (i like Tokyo? :3) How do you feel today? What Is It To Burn (nahh.. i dont feel what it is to burn right now.) What is your life's purpose? 37mm (i dont know what that means. ): the lyrics are quite close to my angel theory though) What is your motto? It's A Hit (nahh.. should've been Move Away.) What do your friends think of you? An Adept's Home (fuck knows. xD) What do you think of your parents? Lazy Days (um. lazy days in with my mum... i dunno. not really.) What do you think about very often? Tranquilize (what this song represents to me, yeah, i think about it all the time..) What is 2 + 2? The Little Things Give You Away (obv.) What do you think of your best friend? Bananaphone (sums it up nicely) What do you think of the person you like? Techno Damage (damage is right. but he's hardly techno. Lol.) What is your life story? Out Of Reach (always after something just out of reach.. not really. all i ever wanted had always been within my reach.) What do you want to be when you grow up? Into Oblivion (Reunion) (returning from the open sea? well, that is something i'd like to end up doing..) What do you think of when you see the person you like? Nails For Breakfast, Tacks For Snacks (ouch.) What will you dance to at your wedding? Dead! (well bloody thank you.) What will they play at your funeral? These Colours Don't Run (quite an epic song, wouldnt mind) What is your hobby/interest? Somewhere I Belong (well, this place i belong interests me greatly.) What is your biggest fear? F.U.N. Song (SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (Y)) What is your biggest secret? Mama (no.) What do you think of your friends? Everybody Falls (i'd play this to a fair few of my friends, yeah.) What will you post this as? Bang The Doldrums. (fair dos.)

"You should be thankful for the end to your plight. They came from above and took you out of the night. the sign above the door should read: 'Welcome To The Scene'. but it don't, leave your coat, you dont care what it means. couldnt see words for lines, you misread the signs, now its out of your hands if you live or you die. Now you're in, you're in. Your heart has been lost. You hope for the best instead of fearing the worst. He says: "it's alright. Get those pills down your throat. And maybe something else, but we'll see how the night goes." The outfit screams 'cheap'; take a bow; you're unique. i remember a time when i followed the rules. Have me in your bed, just not in your head, 'cause time's easy wasted and feelings are cruel. Through the mist and the darkness he looks to the sky. "This town looked so much better when i was high." He treads a path that i dare not follow. Your words make me spit 'cause they're so hard to swallow. She screams to the night: "No, it's not alright. i'm not ready for it but i dont want it to die. i'm only here to come along for the ride. i didn't mean to get involved on the inside. now the future is fake and the fantasy's real. took wounds to the heart that time will not heal." The outfit screams 'cheap'; take a bow; you're unique. i remember a time when i followed the rules. have me in your bed, just not in your head, 'cause time's easy wasted and feelings are cruel. Now hope for the worst and fear for the best. Live out your dreams in a state of undress. Welcome to the scene for which you so hard thought. Life in their world is not what you thought." Written last night. i hate half of it. it's exactly what goes through my mind.

so that's Christmas over with. it was a good one. the magic's gone, but that's ok. i got the iPod i wanted. actually it wasnt the same one i wanted, i wanted a green Nano and got a video Nano with a pink case instead. 8GB. so it was better than what i was expecting. i named her Chester. uploaded my iTunes library on her. also got the Heroes season one DVD box set and MySims on the Wii, so there goes my social life. it's actually quite nice not going out every day. got some time for myself. i watched a few films. we all know im not a film person, but i actually quite enjoyed it. maybe i'll do it more often. and i'm drawing again. creating characters and writing about them. i was always doing that in the summer holidays, i had full novels planned out in my head. but then August 24 happened, and it all disappeared. but now i'm back home, and its all coming back. i've promised myself i'll return to deviantART as well. and, unlike some of us, i can keep promises to myself. i got drawing pens in my stocking too. they're class, it'd be a crime not to use them anyway. SHARPIE.

downcast winter day. well they've put a tree in the next room but that's about it. last year i wouldnt have been surprised if they put tinsel around the computer screen. now everything's just.. bare. we've got tins of chocolate circulating the house though, time-honoured tradition. the fairy lights in my room are always there, i dont count them as Christmas lights. i only switch 'em on this time of year because it's winter, it's dark, i need lights. and i dont have Christmas music on. im playing AFI. which is wonderfully cheerful and festive (note sarcasm). its a good time of year for AFI though. they're very much winter. i got my first AFI album for Christmas last year actually. Decemberunderground. December, it's December, see what im saying about the right time of year? i dunno, when i listen to AFI, i just get a general sense of.. seasons. Love Like Winter. Summer Shudder. Death Of Seasons. they've all got the right time of year. even Summer Shudder feels like winter. you land as lightly as the new snow. This Celluloid Dream, my 'theme song' if you will, that's set in winter. i think. there's some sort of story in Decemberunderground and Sing The Sorrow. (Well, of course. the one about the rabbits and how they'll never reincarnate and all there is to face is death; because it's not 336, it's what follows - and what follows will swallow whole.) i spend a lot of time thinking about AFI. i'm actually feeling a bit of excitement when i think to myself 'hey, it's Christmas Eve =)'. at least tomorrow will put an end to this boredom. i dont know how i managed before i had friends. what did i do all day? i didnt go out today, so i had to try and remember what it was i did. the only real thing to do is go on the internet. but Dad kept having a go at me for sitting at the computer screen for too long. i remember it used to bother me too, i used to feel skanky if i was sat there for too long. but now i couldnt care less, i'd sit here all day if i had to. fortunately i dont have to any more, as every day i'm out with my friends. Dad has a go at me for that as well. doesnt like me out there in the cold and the dark. (nearly wrote 'in the glitter and the dark'. told you i think about them too much.) but who goes out on Christmas Eve? today was pointless. i just ate a lot. oh, fucking hell. just took a time-check and it's not even 5 o clock. when the hell is today over with? downed my own body weight in chocolate, im sure, and i have no way to burn it all off 'cause i cant go outside. i feel kind of sleepy actually. there's no way in fuck i'll sleep tonight. basic instinct retianed from childhood; you don't sleep December 24 or May 30. hahaah. i didnt do anything today so there's nothing to write about. oh, i watched a film. one of those rare films that i've actually seen; Mum and Spo dragged me along to the cinema when it came out. A Series Of Unfortunate Events. thats a great title. Jim Carrey was in it. Baize practically worships that man. yeah.. i hate watching films. making it obvious how bored i am. oh and Nige came round. didnt actually enter the house, just occupied my doorstep for a few minutes. handed me my card and my tenner. he said he wouldve bought me the special edition of Hot Fuss, but he didnt have his money on him when he was in Rapture. i thought guys were either rich or generous, never both. guess Nige proves that one wrong. he's a decent guy. wrote 'ps - i know you still do!' at the bottom of the card. that made me smile. it's nice to have friends who know me. nothing happened today. this is unnerving. im just gonna fuck off now cause there's literally NOTHING to write about and its pissing me off how boring today was. when i was little, i used to count the minutes to today. times change.

my younger sister has pictures of herself in her bra on the internet. i feel quite sick. i felt ill already. going to bed too late, staying out in the cold and the dark too long, living on nothing but chocolate and grease from local chippys the whole weekend, it does nothing for you. i feel like curling up and sleeping, and i know thats best for me, but when Dani called me earlier, i just wanted to go see her. after going for so long without friends, i just feel ungrateful if i dont appriciate their company now. i dont know. its how i roll. okay, so it was her and her two friends pissing about at their little sleepover. but she didnt have to put it on the internet. they were taken on my camera as well. its meant to be for art, not soft child porn. maybe im overreacting. but i always overreact when it comes to her. am i protective? i guess so. its just natural elder sister instinct, i suppose. she's so goddamn naive. im not gonna talk to her. if mum and dad find out and disapprove, i'll take the rap for her. ive had to before. when she met that 18-year-old bloke she met on runescape. i had to go after her. nothing happened to us. he was a nice enough guy. but i told her i wasnt gonna get involved when she told me what she was up to. well, turns out i did. Mum found out and all. we were in sainsburys, so she couldnt have a proper go at me. the obvious disappointent in me was enough from her. she told me she wouldnt tell dad, 'cause she knew he'd be livid, and said she'd have a word with Spo. i dont think she did. if she did i didnt hear of it. maybe i should have told her then and there, if i hadnt have gone with her, she'd have gone on her own, and how the hell would you have felt about that then? she found out the day before my birthday and all. i remember feeling so guilty. listening to What I've Done. that was the song that got me into Linkin Park. i got Minutes To Midnight for my birthday. didnt really listen to it 'til the summer. ive only been a Linkin Park fan since the summer. weird that aint it. im not even a proper fan yet, ive still got to get Meteora. will probably get it sometime next week. i'll be getting money on Tuesday. well, Nige said he'd give me a tenner. and you can depend on old relatives youve never met. who'd send a card and money to someone they've never met? this time of year fucks people up. God, i love Nige. he's like the best friend i never had. giving me money when i never even bothered buying him anything and all. he sends me random texts all the time now. we just had this massive phone convo about nothing really in particular. i worked out his bebo password. easy enough really if you know him well enough. he tried to guess mine, but im not dumb enough to make it as obvious as the name of whoever it is i fancy. Nige thinks he knows who it is i like. he thinks its two people: Ben and Baize. is he right? fuck alone knows. cant be arsed with working out how im feeling right now. its two days to Christmas! im gonna be excited for once. ive spent all of December feeling either depressed, terrified or just too damn horny. im just gonna let the next week be nice. go back to being a kid, just for a few days. it'll be nice.

i used to cling to love now i grimly cling to hate its all i can do not to look at you just to get me through the day you drag them down as you fall and at first i was swayed too losing confidence and common sense in the wake that led to you its hard to think of then when there's nothing left to do. y'know this time way back when i would have lost myself to you. its been one hard road to follow ive learned whats real and whats mine and yes, its hard when all youve lived for was a fucking waste of time but now i've learned my lesson i wont waste myself again 'cause im nothing to you now but we all matter in the end. i'm comparing now and then when there's nothing left to do was it only this time way back when i would have lost myself to you? lyrics i wrote at like 2:00 last night. it took longer to get to sleep than i thought. i think its about preps. or just general jerk-offs.

There's someone over me, someone over me, help me! Conversation's bleak and we're running out of sympathy. Signing up, letting go, No one's ever told me no. First time every time. Like the me without the i. God, i hate him. i'm not even gonna write about him. he's worth nothing. he's fucked off now though so its all good. but he had to drag a friend down with him didnt he. always the way. he's a good friend but i cant stand him when he's like this. Mum's catching on. it's quite funny actually. she's starting to not let me go out with those two because 'you always come home miserable'. she gets pissed with them for me. she tells me its not pathetic. he always found me pathetic. "So basically, your mother hates me for a pathetic reason." i just agreed because everything he said was to be believed. you put someone on a pedastal, and where's their appriciation? they just screw you over and let you down. And then the words that stuck with me for a long time. "Your mother's gonna hate a lot of people." You may well have just looked me in the eye, smiled smugly and left me with the words: "i'm just the first in the long line of people who are going to reject and humiliate you." Thank you so bloody much. Why am i telling you this? 'cause i was gonna tell you about today, but he was out, and little things like that can just ruin a whole day. i shouldnt let him get to me but its damn hard holding your head up high when there's someone there ridiculing every single little thing you say. thankfully they fucked off soon enough and i was left with the proper decent people. all good. well i think im cool. proper on the scene. diy fringe. (did i mention? i cut myself a fringe in the mirror after i got out the shower the other day. it's gone fluffy and adopted a mind of its own, and i dont care cause it makes me look better.) raver nails. (proper hardcore nail varnish Dani lent me. flourescent pink, yellow green mate. people have been telling me they like it. of course he just took one look, compared me to a prep and hit me. dickhead.) im sat here listening to Glamour For fucking Better. i mean they're proper hardfuckingcore. he never liked them either. oh, why the fuck do you care? you're long over him. there are better people to care about. like the people who actually care about you. "..Do you believe in angels?" "Yea. i'm talking to one right now." it was a beautiful thing to say. oh, i haven't told you about the angels have i. don't worry i will. just not now. i have to go now. my sister's having a sleepover, and the girls want the comp. its half one in the morning. who exactly's gonna be online? oh well. i guess sleeping's fun too. it's the Christmas holidays now. i don't have to wake up in the morning. just sleep. Just Sleep.. that's an mcr song isn't it. i was listening to mcr earlier. oh yeah. that's another reason he hit me. oh shut up! darling, he's nothing. speaking of Mcr. Baize pussied out of asking Martha out. this is crazy for so many reasons. 1. hes done it before. 2. he knows she'll say yes. 3. he always tells us rejects to bite the bullet and "you never know until you try" and "what have you got to lose?" and 4. he's Baize. asking Martha out is what he does. he texted me out of desperation though. its a nice thought. A friend in need and all that. No GFB in my room though. ran out of CDs long ago so i cant run up a copy. i bought it straight from iTunes didnt i. luckily im getting an iPod for Christmas now. thank fuck. i may have been swearing i hate iPods and 'Never Again' but tbh, i missed that thing. piece of crap. now midnight's passed, it's only three days isnt it? Three Days Grace. Dani told me to check out that band. maybe i should. not tonight. ..n-n-not tonight. i fucking love GFB. i love the way my parents hate them especially. i always wanted music that pissed off my parents. diy fringe. music junkie hoodie. single armwarmer. raver nails. smudged eyeliner. muddy skinnies. odd socks. scarf. irritating music. fucked up teenager with a fucked up look, thats all i ever wanted to be. stuff doesnt just happen. there has to be angels, right? really should fuck off to bed now. getting trippy. Chloe and Sophie are cool. Little sister's friends are usually something to dismiss, but they're actually cool. i'll let em have the comp.