Second post in a day, whoo. This is actually the first time I've done this, so that's ok. I've just done a lot of thinking since posting last, I guess. Not about the specific situation, just about myself in general. I came to a simple conclusion: I am pathetic. Not in a mean, self-degrading way. I don't mean I'm a pathetic human being, I mean I condone pathetic behaviors in myself, which in of itself is degrading. I obsess - I obsess. I obsess over everything. Guys - I check my cell phone, Myspace, I do ridiculous things and stress myself for, what, a comment? A text I can return? I worry about everything - if I don't talk to him right now, he's going to forget about me and go talk to another girl. Etc, etc. I can't believe in myself, that maybe he thought I was just chill and pretty and enjoys spending time with me. I feel like I have to fight for something I don't really need to fight for. School - I have to be better than everyone. I have to get a higher grade, a higher GPA, say something more clever in class, have more original ideas, pontificate more articulately, basically. I am, in all fairness, one of the smarter students, but I can't leave it at that. I beat myself up because I won't ever be this straight-A, get-everything-right, Ivy League-bound young woman. But I don't WANT to be that girl. I want to go to a small liberal arts school, not a big-name university. I want to work in international relations, not be a "doctor" or "lawyer" or "(insert other cliche 'smart person' career here)". But I feel OBLIGATED to be that girl. And friends? Forget about it. I am a walking contradiction. On one hand, with one friend, I want to be the cool-headed one who takes everything in stride. No, wait, this contradicts the part of my personality that is fixated on that message from that guy and the part of my personality that is mad that the girl who sits next to me in math got a point higher than me on the test. I want to be the one who gossips about drugs and sex. Hold on! That contradicts the part of my personality that wants to take the moral high ground, not for religious reasons, but for intellectual reasons, which arises from my need to be some smart savant. I want to be the one who giggles loudly and cracks high-volume jokes. No, no, no! That contradicts the part of my personality that wants to be the suave, sexy young woman who lets just enough cleavage show and says witty things in American history class that even make the teacher laugh in spite of himself. WHAT. THE. FUCK. It all arises from insecurity. I know that. I know that. I know that. I know I'm insecure, even though I try so desperately fucking goddamn SO SO HARD not to be. I know I am. I'm not as pretty as my one friend, I'm not as cute as my other friend, I'm not as sexy as the next. I'm not as smart as my one friend, I'm not as bad ass as my other friend, I'm not as funny as the next. Boys don't like me as much as they like my one friend. People don't like me as much as my other friend. Life doesn't treat me as well as the next. I'm so wrapped up in what I don't have, and I'm such a goddamn hypocrite, because I do exactly what I tell my best friend not to do - compare myself to other people. Because you're never going to measure up if you do that. You'll never going to be as good as everyone together. You're never going to be as pretty, smart, special, unique, rich, talented, whatever as the next. I know that, I know, that, I know that! But it's not enough to know. It's not enough. I have to take it all in. I have to accept that. And that's the hard part. It's much easier to say something failed because someone else was better suited for it, deserved it more, whatever. It's harder to say something failed because of your own shortcomings. But while I'm not as pretty as my one friend, I also have a nicer family. While I'm not as smart as my other, I also get more enjoyment out of life. While I'm not as unique as the next, I also have more self-respect. Perspective, perspective, perspective. I need perspective back in my life. I used to have perspective. I used to believe in myself. I used to have such big fantasies for myself. I used to have self-confidence, I used to have self-confidence, I used to have self-confidence. I just need to get that back. That's not easy. But no one, and nothing, else can do it but me, for me. No boy, no grade, no friend, no college, no material object can give me self-confidence. Only I can. A small exercise I learned when I was younger. It's a perspective activity, and it helps a lot. I suggest you (whoever "you" are) try it. You list ten things you don't like about yourself, and then fifteen things you do like about yourself. It can be physically, emotionally, personality-wise, etc. They can be sort of confessions, or they can be strictly statements about yourself. The idea is that ten of the fifteen things you DO like about yourself cancel out the ten things you DON'T, and you're still left with five. It's worth a shot, trust me. Things I Don't Like About Myself 1. I have an obsessive personality. I obsess over ridiculous shit that doesn't deserve my attention. 2. I have a weird pot belly that doesn't go away, even though I am fairly skinny for my height. I say I don't mind it and even think it's kind of cute, but I am lying through my teeth. 3. I'm awkward in social situations, and can't make conversation in new company, though you can't shut me up on a normal basis. 4. I'm a hypocrite in so many small, significant ways. 5. I bite my nails. It's a bad, angry, nervous, painfuly, ugly habit. 6. I talk bad about two of my friends behind their backs pretty badly. They really have no clue. 7. I want to leave for college and never look back and not even say thank you to the friends, people, and family who helped me get to that point. 8. Sometimes I honestly just don't take other people's feelings into consideration when I do/say things. 9. I get angry and frustrated easily, and I have a horrible, ugly temper that I hate to show people, because I know it would make them dislike me. 10. I get so goddamn jealous of people sometimes that I can barely stand to even think about them/their situations, even though I know they have no more a perfect life than I do. Things I Like About Myself 1. I have a big smile that makes other people smile. 2. People feel like they can talk to me and I won't judge them. They can tell me anything and I'll give them my full attention. I'm open-minded, I guess. 3. I throw myself into my passions. Politics, theatre, books, music - I know quite a bit about each, at least the aspects of each I find the most interesting. 4. My nose turns up at the end. I like it. 5. I'm intelligent in the aspect that I can learn something if I want to. I have some common reasoning skills that serve me well in school, as well. I can remember facts well. 6. My sister thinks I'm her hero. 7. I enjoy the small aspects of life, and the small aspects of life make me happy. Starting off the day with a pink sunrise makes the whole rest of my day good. 8. I'm a nice person in many regards. 9. I don't let other people's interests affect my own. They don't always coincide, but that's ok with me. 10. I have the ability to move on, for the most part. I can accept that I don't get everything. 11. I'm not spoiled. I have a job, I pay for my own gas, I realize I'm going to have to get a scholarship to go to college. I think that affects my view on the world in a positive way. 12. I'm an optimistic realist. 13. I have self-respect that arises not from any religious or outside reason, but just from myself. I don't need God or my mom to tell me to respect myself. 14. I'm a vegetarian. 15. If I have an opinion, I have a reason for it. As I dislike it when other people have empty opinions, I make sure I never do. I find it harder to say nice things about myself than to say bad things about myself, but I think that's a common occurence with people. I can't say doing that exercise made me feel any better, but it did make me think. I think I'm going to start being able to better put things in perspective and gain back my self-confidence. I think it's just important to remember that only you can make you feel good, and no one can make you feel bad unless you let them.

bsmnbcasjbefbcjhegfbvnFUCKK. I am the dumbest, no, seriously, I am so goddamn freaking DUMB. Ok. Saturday was good in part (see last post) because I met this really, really cute guy. Seriously. He was really freaking adorable, and he was actually into me? Like, he was flirting with me pretty hard and making physical contact and he asked for my number. We made plans with our friends to hang out today and he asked for my number and said he'd call me to see when we were coming for today. Ok. So he had this friend who was kind of a creepster? And it just worked out that some friends dropped and so some other friends of mine didn't want to go because I would be flirting with this guy and they'd be stuck with the creepster. But I reallyyy wanted to go! Because this guy actually seems interested! But I decided not to go, because it just would've been awkward. But check it - my phone was on silent, but he called me four times in my last period (his school gets out earlier than mine). And then he called when I was on my way home, and asked where I was. And I said that we couldn't make it and made up some bogus excuse. He actually sounded disappointed and said we should make plans for some other time, and I said ok. But oh my fucking god. Why did I not go today? I am so fucking stupid. I finally have a chance to hang out with a guy that might like me, and I chicken out. Why? I'll fucking tell you why. Because I'm too much of a wimp to think that a guy might actually be interested in me. I was like, "What will we talk about? What will he do? Do I look ok?" etc, etc. And then I was paranoid that he might think my friend was more attractive...god! I disgust myself. It's not thattt bad, though. I mean, I called him again and though he didn't pick up, I left a message asking him to hang out this Friday with some friends. I don't fucking care, I am not chickening out this time. And if my friends don't like it, they can suck it. I do enough for them, they can suck it up for me for like, three hours. Dammit.

Yesterday was just...amazing. It was seriously one of the best afternoons/nights of my life. But it was one of those things where...I don't want to write about it. I don't want to write it out, word for word, and have to struggle to find the proper noun, adjective, verb, to describe what happened. Because I'd like to think it was one of those things I'll never forget, never let slip from my memory. It wasn't particularly special, I didn't do anything extraordinary, really. I just know now I have an amazing group of friends, and we think of amazing things to do, and we randomly meet amazingly fun people in front of the giraffe enclosure at the zoo. And we drive around an insane amount, and we laugh, and talk, and have rap-offs, and flirt and take pictures that we say we'll keep forever. Hopefully we will. The end.

Tonight was pretty ok, better than I thought it was going to be. After school, my best friend and our other friend drove to my best friend's house [for sake of this post, to preserve my sanity, my best friend will be referred to as F (for female?) and other friend will be referred to as M (for...well, you know.] F's mom is a complete sweetheart, I love her to death. We hung out in F's room and just goofed off. M had never been to her house before, as we just made friends with him this year, and he just fucking loved her bed for some reason. He was rolling around in it and climbing under the covers. We snuggled for a bit (he's an Oscar Wilde type, though, if you catch my drift, so it was ok) and then my other friend called me. He had said he was going to a party and couldn't come to the zoo, but he said he was gonna ditch the party and come to the zoo instead. M went insane because he has a huge crush on this guy and was yelling things, which was kinda funny. F and M have the exact same laugh, it's kind of bizarre. Anyway, after that we went out to dinner, which was nice. It was pretty tasty. Then we went to the concert thing and so help me God if we didn’t get lost. M had no clue where he was going - we ended up at the beaches. We finally got to the place and of course it was full. We hung in the lobby for a while just goofing off then went outside, in the nice cool dark, and smoked a bit. F and I told him we had to go, but we stopped for a coffee and chitchatted. This guy I’ve liked for a long time and who I think likes me (he’s black, too, which is always a good thing, hmm? Hahah.) might be coming to the zoo. I think I’m just going to tell him I like him, because he kinda already knows, so it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. And who knows, he might return my ardor. That would be...swell, really, very swell... Sooo zoo tomorrow with a ton of my closest friends! I’m so fucking excited. And plus, I’m going to see hellogoodbye on Halloween! I’m so exciteddd. I’ve always wanted to see them. And, oh, one more thing - did anyone else watch the debate last night? Biden/Palin? It was pretty good, I’ll give her credit, she wasn’t horrible. But she kept repeating herself, and used too many "buzz" words like "maverick" and "straight talk". And if she said "Alaska" or "hockey mom" one more fucking time, I was gonna explode. I get it. You are the governor of Alaska, and also a "hockey mom", though you never spend time with your kids. And, PS, Alaska isn't really shit, ok? It's just that there's oil there. And so help me God...just because Russia is right across the ocean does NOT give you foreign experience. (End rant.) She seemed very nervous, as well - Biden seemed pretty composed and ready. I mean, I’m biased towards him, obviously, as I’m an avid Obama supporter and also happen to really dislike Palin, but I also believe Biden did a superb job. A win for him, if I were to say.

Mmmm. :] I definately got asked out on a kind-of date today? Hahah. It was really cute. Crush in history class and I were talking about our respective summer vacations, and he was telling me about the road trip he took. Apparently they stopped at this ridiculously huge hotel/resort thing outside of Vegas, which, among other things, included a 60-lane bowling alley. I said, "Oh, I love to bowl!" And he was like, "Yeah, I do too. I go a lot." And I said, "I haven't been in a while." So he kinda paused and said, "We should go bowling." (!) I was like, "Yeah, that'd be a lot of fun." And he was like, "Ok, I have to work tonight..." And I, like an idiot, told him I was busy tomorrow and Saturday, which sounds like I'm blowing him off. And he said, "Oh, ok, well, we'll go sometime else." But still! Yay! It was so adorable, just the thought of going bowling for a little date. Cute cute cute. But yeah, tomorrow I actually am busy. My friend's mom is randomly making him go to this choir concert thing, and he asked me and my best friend if we'd come with him. We didn't really want to, but he was like, "C'mon, c'mon, I'm gonna be really bored without you!" So we agreed. It starts at seven, so we'll probably get dinner beforehand or something. Then SATURDAY will be the shit. I'm going to the zoo! Which sounds random, but here's how it happened: I was talking to a friend of mine, and he said he'd be coming home this weekend (he's in college). I suggested we hang out and said, "Let's go to the zoo!" because I haven't been in a while. But then I didn't want it to be just the two of us, because he used to have a crush on me and...I don't know, it would've been awkward. So I invited people...who invited people...who invited people. So now there's just a huge group going. Including these two guys that hit on my best friend and me the other day when we were about town, because my other friend randomly knows them. So THAT should be a good time, hahah. So yeahhh. Not too shabby, eh?

Ah yesterday was the shit! I spent the afternoon, after school, with my friend. All we did was hang around this nice part of town to get dinner then take random Myspace pictures, hahah. We ran into this guy we both know vaguely because he is our other best friend's best friend...yeah, that got really confusing. But we hung out with him for a while before going to her house and watching Silence Of The Lambs. But yeah, life has been going really good for me lately, actually. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact I can drive - I've been hanging out a ton with my friends and just generally enjoying a greater sense of freedom. But also I've just generally become more social. I think a lot of it has to do with my altered self-perception. I know it sounds substantially shallow, but I lost ten pounds over the summer, cut my hair into a really nice, easy-to-manage style, and bought myself some nice clothes, and I think the slight transformation has boosted my self-esteem, which in turn boosted my social behavior. Plus, it's kind of like a domino effect. One I realized people actually like me, I made one friend, which helped me make two, which helped me make three. But really lately I've been making a lot of guy friends, which is really weird for me. I've never really had any close guy friends before, but suddenly I have like, five. I'm not sure if this is because of my better social skills or what, but I have the feeling that because I feel better about myself, I'm able better to actually socialize with the opposite sex. It's nice, because before when I made a guy friend, or even just aquantaince, it was like, "Would I be able to go out with this guy?" But now it's more like, I can just enjoy being his friend, and as a result, he likes me more. And him liking me more gives me confidence to make more guy friends...etc, etc. Idk, I've just been having really good days, as you can read. Plus, Mr. I'm-trying-to-get-over-him-but-not-really has been messaging me. I sense a fun fling in the making. :]

Another good day! This is officially classified as just a good week. First period, second period, rather boring. Third period, I ate Chex Mix, which is always a good thing, so that wasn't so bad. Lunch, we all got in a boob fight...including the gay boys...they thought it was rather funny. But they do not have boobs. So. Then AP Psychhh...guess who's in my classss...hahah. I'm quite lame, I realize. It was fun, he sat in front of my friend and me and chatted. He has a perpetually itchy back, apparently, he always wants it scratched? Hahah. He and I have been commenting back and forth since...Tuesday, I guess it is. He actually brought our comments up in conversation, too. It was pretty funny. Awww. Yay.

Today was another good day. I've just been having swell days lately, I guess. My class were all easy and we meditated in my Theory of Knowledge class, which was kinda cool. Lunch was the best, as usual. My friends stole my lemon cake and passed it around like it was a joint. Then I didn't have any homework, so I hung out with my friend at her house. It was really fun, though we didn't do much. We just bummed around Myspace and smoked hookah. I flirted with this cute Filipino guy from my Psych class via comments, very lame, I knowww. Ahh so wireddd too much tobaccooo.

Mm. Today was a good day, for no reason. I was just in a stellar mood. I began the day by getting a smoothie with my friend. Then I got the rest of my grades for my progress report: all A's with one B and one C (the last of which is easy to bring up to an A.) Then drama club...idk, it's usually fun, but it's so poorly run that it's very aggravating. But I just goofed off with my friends whenever possible. I sat in my buddy's lap and he kept biting my knuckles and hugging me around my waist. (I love that kid, he's like my little brother, just bigger than me, hahah.) And my best friend and I sang a lovely melody of Avenue Q songs...then we went and got a smoothie after drama club, hahah. But man. History, I sit next to my crush? Yeah, today the teacher had us do a worksheet in pairs - by who you sat next to. So we pushed our desks together; i.e., i was very close to him. Our "thing", if you will, is that we're constantly arguing and making snide remarks - very high school flirtation, I know. But he actually said some really cute things, too. The worksheet was easy and we had a ton of time, so we messed around a little. His eyes are really dark, and he has really long eyelashes, and really strong bones in his face, and his complexion...idk, I've heard the adjective "swarthy", and that seems to fit him. Oh dear. He is quite attractive. He would lean over my desk to read the worksheet (as it was on my desk) and our shoulders would touch and he wouldn't move to make them "un-touch". And our knees would meet under the desks and neither of us would move. Whenever I laughed, he did, and one time I giggled and put my hands over my face (this weird habit I have), and when I looked up he was looking at me with the cutest smile... Man. I sound like such a blathering teenage girl. Hahah. Oh, well. But in a way, this is nice. I feel like I'm kind of finally having the "teenage" experience. I'm kind of dabbling with different guys, making new friends, hanging out a lot, driving around, drinking, smoking, going to concerts and parties, etc. I finally feel like I'm actually having fun instead of having this ho-hum existence of work/school/family. I am enjoying this.

Ahem. Yesterdayyy. Ok, well, I showed up downtown around 1:30, and I sat in traffic for about thirty minutes. I finally got a parking space in a lot where some homeless guy was making people pay him to park there, but I didn't really care. I had about a twenty minute walk, so I jogged half. I bought a tee-shirt and put it on. Then all the sudden some fat po-po was like, "They've closed the park, turn back." I turned to the tattooed guy who I'd been chatting up next to me (rather cute, though probably like, ten years older than me, hahah) and I was like, "I'm not turning back." He agreed, so we continued walking, as did most of the people. Sure enough, the gates to the park were closed, so everyone grabbed seats outside the park. I was right up against the fence, right in front of a speaker, so I could hear perfectly. But there was NO way we would be able to see Obama, because there's this hill between the fence and the huge park that he would be speaking in front of (the only hill in Florida, of course). So that kind of sucked. We all sat around, listened to bad campaign music and the various bigwigs of Florida, and just...waited. There was all this tension in the air. I was looking around at the people around me; teenagers like myself, old men and women who could barely stand up but were, young kids whose parents wanted them to be there, husbands and wives, holding hands, black, white, Hispanic, Asian - it was pretty amazing. There was this lady standing next to me who was like, "I haven't voted since Bill." And I was like, "I still can't vote." She laughed. We both agreed we would probably start crying when Barack came on. Ok. I didn't think I'd be too overly affected, which sucked, because I couldn't actually SEE him. But when the person who introduced him said, "And here he is - my future president - Barack Obama!" and he was like, "Hello, everyone!" I just started crying! I could not control myself! It was actually quite comical - I didn't stop crying the entire time. Nothing he said was something I hadn't heard him say before, but just hearing him and knowing he was so close was so amazing. He was actually quite funny, more so than I'd remembered. But it was so awe-inspiring to be surrounded by people who were so moved, people who haven't wanted to vote in years, of all different ages and races. People around me were crying, and laughing, and clapping - and we couldn't even see him. But let me drive this point home. The park he was speaking at can hold thirty-five thousand people. 35,000, and IT WAS FULL. Not only that, but there were eight thousand people OUTSIDE the park! That's 43,000 people! Afterwards me and the tattooed guy were talking again, and he likened it to Woodstock, in the regard later on people would ask, "Where you there?" I'm not sure it's quite the same thing, because Woodstock was just one occasion, and Obama gives a lot of speeches. But he said, "No, no, I mean...people are going to ask US, where you there when you couldn't even fit inside the venue for one of Obama's speeches?" And he's right. I can't think of many people who can draw enough people to fill the venue, and then be so enigmatic that people will stand outside the venue to hear him speak. I fully believe it was a historical moment. And I was there!