hey, so i haven't been on here in forever this week has just been so crazy i don't even know what happened to all those hours i'm sure i was just chilling at home probably napping i guess i've found sleep is a kickass way to pass the time the way the brain works fascinates me i'm actually in the process of doing an experiement where every night i stay up five minutes later than the night before tonight I'm up to midnight go me! I find i actually think alot better when I'm running on less sleep not clearer exactly, just...deeper more abstract as in,when i close my eyes on the bus ride, I can literally trick my mind into forgetting I'm just a girl on her way to school It's like day dreaming magnified For 30 minutes i can be whoever my mind subconsciously wants me to be eventually, my goal is to stay up all night by myself without sleeping i want to see what happens i'm guessing it would be something like nirvana, or whatever buddists call it when you deprive yourself of something essential so completely not sleeping at night, only taking short dream trips in the car, it makes me feel in control like hey, here i am, doing something absolute and physical to break from normalacy it's pretty interesting i think hopefully i can keep my eyes open tonight Anyway, i think i definitely need to talk about chris OMFG he is so confusing! li have no ifuckingdea what his deal is but apparently he is definitely going to my friend's party as in officially, he has the address and a plan etc i don't get it why would he want to hang out with a bunch of 16 year old girls on halloween? I know he has other friends even if most of them are at college, he has eric and he's 18 can't he just go to a club and bang wasted skanks? whenever i propose this to random people, the response is always that he wants to fuck me which is fine, like i'll get with him, whatever but whyyyyyy?????? i mean, we barely talk outside of gym now he's made it very clear that the benifit part of our friendship is over and now all of a sudden he's inviting himself to my friend's house a half hr away? what the hell? ah sorry if i sound like a stupid angsty teenager that no one wants to listen to, but i'm really soooooooo weirded out right now you know how sometimes you can just focus in so much on annalyzing one tiny aspect of your life that everytime you talk, it's all that comes out? well i'm kind of in that mode right now even though i know it's stupid and insignificant, for now it's all i've got to go on people create drama because it makes life interesting i overanalyze everything because otherwise i'd have nothing to write about well i think i'm going to go get icecream now and then do my homework so i can stay up until midnight and then maybe watch real chance at love because it's so stupid it's funny god, our poor generation later -serenity p.s. Alex, if you read this, I'm sorry i haven't emailed you back yet. I'll get on that as soon as i can, promise!

my life and this world is so fucking strange one minute i have absolutely 0 guys who want me and then i blink and i have three like seriously, what the hell? not that i'm complaining or anything i think everyone secretly loves and thrives on that kind of purely physical shallow attention but it's just kind of incredibly random griffen(GM, i've given up on protecting his identity) has been texting me for like the past 4 hours about how pissed he is we didn't hangout (hook up) last night i laughed for a really long time inside about the pointlessness of the convo as he lives in not my state and would have to drive an hr and a half to get with me, which will in all likelyhood not happen however, i do enjoy playing along and being told how attractive i am repeatedly :) But wait, it gets better! So i just texted Chris to get booze for my friend's halloween party and he was all like can i come without a lol. as in i don't think he was kidding (gasp!) although it will probably turn out that i am completely off base and he was totally messing around and simply thinks i'm an obnoxious bitch, for now i'm going to take his offer seriously note: this is not because i actually like him and/or want him, it is only because he has a car and i conviently see him like every other day, plus having him actually want me would be a confidence booster in case anyone was wondering, which i'm sure they weren't, the third guy happens to be this creeper who flat out asked if we were going to hook up instead of using code and being fake discrete yea so i'm not actually going to get on that, but still it totally counts oh and you know the weirdest part? i just looked in the mirror and i actually kind of liked my face go figure

I'm listening to a creed album i illegally uploaded from the library and so far it's kind of disappointing not that i'm looking at the lyrics and really analyzing but whatever you know how some songs you just can pick out a few words and know exactly what they are about? I'm kind of wishing this music was more like that In other music news, yelle the french techno singer is awesome i can't actually understand french, but i get the sense the song je veux te voir is about sex on the dancefloor it's amazing lol speaking of sex on the dancefloor, we had a school dance last night(note clever segue) and guess what? it actually didn't suck now, this is by no fault of the school let me assure you, what with the sobriety checks at the door and the turning on the lights when the grinding got to crazy, they tried very hard to ensure everyone's six dollars was a complete waste of money but shockingly, something kind of crazy happened to make it worthwhile See back in eighth grade i dated this kid named GM for maybe a month or so and of course by date i mean made out at the movies with and ignored otherwise so anywho, he went to private school and i never spoke to him again except for last night he was randomly at the dance! so eventually i got up the nerve to talk to him and we started dancing and such and eventually i kissed him goodbye because i'm bored with my life and then i found out he moved to MA and was just visiting so it would probably be another 3 years until we talked again lol i love when life works like that it's just so ironic i think i do things mostly for comedic effect i met him back in the day at a school dance so i knew i needed to make something happen otherwise, my night would just be a complete waste i was actually kind of suprised at how sucessful i was though like somehow he danced only with me for like 30 minutes and then invited me back to this after party at some popular kid i don't talk to's house i wish i could have gone, but my parents don't love me enough to let me have sex at midnight with my 8th grade ex boyfriends at houses of guys they've never heard of but even so, the invite was like such a huge confidence booster because in boy world (and in whore world) hang out=hook up always to anyone reading this, take notes there are absolutely no exceptions he wants to get in your pants nice guys ask you to go public places people who want their dick's sucked hang out anyway, so the fact that GM wanted me to fuck him means he thinks i'm hot which was gratifying, as after dances i'm generally dripping sweat and nasty so imagine how hot i'd be with make up that wasn't melting off my face lol and the thing is, i totally would have fucked him, i mean because i've thought about it and i'm really not sorry for being a whore especially in high school which is nothing like real life it's like if sex won't hurt anyone, why not? if you both understand this is simply an in the moment sort of thing with a 95% chance of you never speaking/fucking again, then it's no worse than drinking or prank calls or watching shittty movies or any of the other stupid things teenagers do for entertainment really once you're not a virgin anymore, sex is just like kissing absolutely meaningless and i think i kind of like it that way afterall, i never get attatched to one night stands it's only the guys i actually date and know on an emotional level that i start to care about and as chris proved, caring is useless and should be reserved for trashy teen novels not for whores like me so yea, it's a bummer i'll never see GM again, but it was fun while it lasted i especially enjoyed how while my friends and i kept getting pushed out of the "circle", having a popular guy with me somehow enabled us to magically gain enterance to the center ring like seriously, imagine me, probably # 5 or so most talked shit about girl in our grade grinding with all the cool kids and they didn't even glare at me like ew wtf? it was like oh hey we'll just pretend we don't trash you on a day to day basis and i was like alright cool with me it's amazing how much it's about who you know in high school like J with her football bf getting invites to all the cool parties or Sam from gym who can't break up with her guy because then she'll lose all her friends it makes me sad, but i just have to laugh and play along as long as i remind myself it's all a game and i'm just in it to win it, i think i'll be just fine

i have so much to say, but it won't come out easy i hate when everything's so jumbled around it gets to the point where i just colapse, exhausted before the day is even over it's like giving up but better because when you're sleeping you don't have to feel the defeat I feel like in the end, it will be all these little insignificant moments that really define me when i die, i won't be thinking about how much my parents did for me or how afraid i am instead, i 'll be thinking about the random people who i haven't seen in years and all the falling outs that led me this far our generation's in a rut, but i can't pretend to be above it we get consumed because it feels inclined even if i knew it all, it's all or nothing now so these little pieces i've been working on for years that just won't fit? they're practically invisible i shared a lyric the other day that no one understood "but the moment it just froze, and i felt sick and so alone" i think i finally get it, andrew thank you so much for changing my life people prefer the cliche love songs because they can fit themselves into the story i like the twisted lines that i need to decipher because they make me forget it's the individual words laced together that become universal once you personally live it and somehow, the fragments are always worth more than the entirety i'm working really hard on faith i don't want to lose this i'm so sick of all these tiring tears but it's hard to swear i'm happy when the feeling's spilling over i told chris i worry about him and he just told me not to bother i should get on that caring about people sucks it's so depressing, but when i stop and think about it, nothing i do here matters because eventually i will die and be forgotten i won't be written about in history books i'm really nothgin special so even if i were to just give up completely, any minor wounds i left in my wake would heal in time i sometimes wish i didn't have to think so much it always makes me realize just how much patheos goes along with human existence and how suffering is always always relative

I always need a good song to get through the day when i have lyrics that means something, that have somehow shaped or affected me, running through my brain it reminds me that not everything i'm doing is just a huge mistake sometimes i berate myself to much, focus in on every flaw and when i start to do that, i lose the mentality to keep on pushing i just kind of let myself get caught in going downhill, never making any progress but reall, that's nto something i can live with i need to stop pretending i can actually be perfect maybe someday, with years and years of practice i'll get there, but right now it's too much to expect everytime i get home and just can't force myself to do homework, i have to know it's okay to just relax and forget sometimes i've got all kinds of time to make everything right i talk too much about other people and myself i do it as a defense, so no one will see how much a i regret doing all those stupid things but with comparison, it makes my evils seem lesser and by just blurting out the truth, no one else can use it to hurt me later if i lay out all the cards, atleast i'm going down swinging i over-eat because it's soemthing to do i deprive myself of sleep becuase i want to be different i can't blend compeltely because i want too much for myself and i write all these poems and journal entries because it's what makes me me I've seen people go insane, and i don't eant that to happen the disconnect isn't all it's cracked up to be you can blame anyone else as much as you want, but int eh end you can't escape your own faults i want friends who i can actually trust i want o feel loved and apprectiated, even if i can't fully love myself i want to grow up and be completely content and i never want to feel like i've run out of time

I've been writing a lot of lyrics lately i don't mean to really, it's not that concoius i just put the pen down and that's what comes out i like lyrics better than poetry because they seem real and full, even when they hurt it's strange what a change the music can make there's no patheos; singing never makes me sad it only makes me remember why i write instead of taking notes and how one day it will all be worth it in the end i couldn't even imagine making a living as a song writer it would just be way too cool, almost like cheating i feel like i'd be uncomfortable being that happy it just wouldn't sit right today was pretty simple i watched alot of tv it's amazing how fascinating reality shows can be i think i'm only watching so i can figure out what to do if our whole generation turns out like the "real" world i had a jew meeting today i talked to this kid named danny who was like my first kiss lol potential hook up? haha i'll put him on the list oh i finally got my math book back yay stupid aaron took him freaking long enough i'm actually incredibly pissed at that child he had the nerve to tell linds of all people that i raped him umm eww? you can't rape the willing, babe that's what you get for skipping bases ah school tomorrow i guess i should probably sleep... -serentiy

I am not the type of girl to sit contently in the corner while watching all her friends find cliched lust with only a goodluck and a pretty smile I need people it's horrible, i hate it, but i do i suck at being alone being fucked over, treated like crap, oh yea no problem but not having anyone to come home to i just can't do my mom keeps telling me not to settle, but i know i will i'm going to marry the first guy who asks me, just in case he's also the only one because the thing with me, though, is that i don't actually believe in love i think you can get along with anybody, make things work as long as you figure out what they're after I texted chris today, which was stupid because now he knows i want him back and, honestly, i only want him because in comparison to what other guys have done to me lately he's practiaclly a savior My friend J is trying to set me up with this attractive guy who sort of stalks her fine, i'll take him i'm not looking for anythign real just something to tide me over for the next year or so something to take my mind off of me J is so lucky she has the sweet hot popular jock for a bf she always has these cute little stories about nice things he does for her like wake up early to pick her up or hang out with her family all these little awwww moments that make me just want to give her a big hug because, i love her so i'm not jealous and i know she deserves it just as much as i do It's so sad, but when i reflect on it, I've only had one exceptionally nice thing done for me in my entire life and shockingly enough, it wasn't matt, the guy i thought i loved and dated for a year but just Chris, my summer nothing fling who drove all the way to the beach just to hang out with me I think that's why i texted him tonight because even though i could easily be angry at him he's still the best i've ever had and he still hasn't texted me back So now i'm just waithing for ethan i guess random hottie from J because any hope of a semblance of love is so much better than nothing at all

I'd give anything to feel sane because mostly, it seems like I'm drowning There's so many mometns where i'll just look out at the crowd and realize how disconnected i am because i genuinely don't want to be like anyone else There's all the little pieces inside me trying to break free I can tell they want me to be something special, but it's hard because in order to truly become a new person, I'd have to let go of the old and although I'd welcome a transforamtion, it's the actual act of transforming that scares me you know that feeling when you're trying to make a descison and you get so caught up in thinking everything else seems unreal? well, that's how every move i make tries to shake me iI know half of the judgements aren't true And I know that truth is rare, because lies come easier And there's absolutely no way I or anyone else can change that, so trying to convince people I'm special will only get me down When i skip out writing to hang out in the cafeteria or gossip instead of just listening to my ipod, it's not because I want to get closer I'm only there because I get tired of being alone and i can't get myself to go away Maybe in time, I'll forget every mean comment, every unecesary glare, but for now it's just something I have to deal with I'm not going to argue because then i'll just lose the reasons I was angry in the first place I'll just turn away, hold my head, and keep on walking And I'm glad i strayed so far from who i started from

I worry about me from time to time i obsess about the future, try to pinpoint moments in ten years will i be different? in 5? in one? It's the not knowing that scares me most of all if i could say confidently, "when you get out of high school, your life will no longer suck" I think that even now, when I'm stuck in the timeframe I'd still be sort of okay There's alot of people in my life who rather dislike me and very few people who i've actually given that right i'd say it's not fair, but that's kind of a moot point most things aren't fair, and i really don't expect them to be but i can't help to get just a bit dissappointed when the masses and moonfalls let me down time and again the weather's cahnging, but i can't seem to follow I'm still stuck in summer responsibility is overratted i never get anywhere near what i give it's the strangest sensation but i find myself actually questioning my motives everytime i sit down to write a research paper about something that's unimportant like what is it that keeps me here inside, instead of just being like "screw it, I'm going to bed" its like i realize i'm doing the wrong thing, but i still keep at it anyway i just can't help myself because even though i have these marks on my hands to prove I'm strong against the whole world i feel absolutely powerless

Today is a dave matthews band themed day I don't know why, it just kind of is when we were in the car this morning, waiting for the bus, crash came on the radio it bothered me that they put (into me) like that at the end of the title though because the song is simply crash but anyway, as i was singing along, happily ignoring my mom, it occured to me that dave is actually quite the talented lyricist it's weird, but sometimes i just go through these phases where a badn or song i've known for a while will suddenly just randomly make an appearence in my life and inspire me so on the bus, i ended up listening to some dave instead of putting it on shuffle like usual i find it kind of odd that my favorite song is actually on this secret album called the lillywhite sessions and not one of the more popular overplayed ones becuase usually i have to acclimate to song before i can really love it with 'grace is gone', though, i just instantly felt that connection it makes me want to memorize it and rewrite the lyrics, like i always do with songs that hit me i think i shall but anyway, sunshine gave me some lyrics he wrote today and asked me to edit them awwww! i guess he actually thinks i'm talented yay! unfortunately his lyrics kind of suck i know that sounds mean, but i don't know how else to say it it's like cliche after cliche without even rhyming and half of it is contradictory so i'm not quite sure what the song is even about hopefully i'll get some time to sit down with him and help him fix it because, really, for me it would be no trouble lyrics just come easy that's why i keep them so close