I love that line it's so completely true i went to a dance last night and by dance i of course mean orgy because that's how our generation gets down i met a cute guy so did my new best friend as in we met the same cute guy so we shared him it was fun lol they're both good kissers we are the perfect fucking threesome and by that i'm dead serious because i would absolutely have done it had the situation been more oportune because that's how little i honestly care what people do to my body i used to be more conservative i used to know how to say no or atleast, i think i did i can't really remember but now when people ask me how many people i've fucked i just straight up tell it like it is i've got nothing to hide, bitches there's no secrets with me just because i look like i'm 12 doesn't mean i won't put out don't let the punk chick vibe fool you i'm just as easy as the next blonde bimbo i advertise sex because that's what sells it's attention but it's more than that it's a weapon you can use it to hurt people you can use it to make people hate you sometimes i make other girls hate me on purpose i just throw my life in the air and let them fucking try to ruin it because i'm so sick of being judged for things i didn't ask for so i might as well be honest you can't genuinely hate someone unless they've directly done something to hurt you i can see right past those glares, the backhand comments you don't really hate me because i won't give you the satisfaction even though i'm a slut or a whore or whatever you've come up with it doesn't mean i'm a bad person i'll take slut over bitch any day, hon because atleast i've got friends who'll stick by me thick and thin not the click you've got who'd just join the other team if it were you who was in my place

I close my eyes and pretend I'm not me but this lingering pain, this longing it follows everywhere i go I keep dreaming that i've escaped but i only wake up to find that what i thought was hope is really just twisted bedsheets It's not so easy to simply stop wanting I always expect too much of people No one is actually kind and unselfish No one gives me the kind of inspiration i need I wish i could control the rain If i could I'd make it pour and pour like the noah's ark flood, except bigger because I'd need more than forty days to wash this fucked up earth clean everybody keeps talking politics It makes me feel like crying I can't relate so I cling fast to lyrics somehow they seem to be the only words that make sense today is tomorrow is the next day is the next nothing extraordinary ever happens to me I'm just the girl with the pretty face on letting everyone else slip away I only come undone when I'm completely alone Sometimes I worry that my heart will just bleed out What will I do if my body just stops beating? I have no one left to call

ohmygoodness I'm so nervous I have my drivers test tomorrow i need to pass as in, failure is not an option I think I'm ready I hope I'm ready as for history test, that's another story But whatever, I'll be fine I think I'm finally starting to get this routine the days pass by quickly if i let them if i don't try to savor and analyze every moment I find there's reallynothing worth savoring after all I have the resolution by JM stuck in my head my grandpa's in the hospital and somehow, I don't feel much of anything at all I wish I could change the world, but I can't I'm only one out of millions and billions standing small beside the ocean In judism, there's this belief called tikun olam In english it means reparing the world Basically, it equates to you actually belieiving that if everyone works hard enough we can restore society and eliminate hate and war and hurt just by counting on faith It sounds so beautiful when I lace it in pretty words I just really wish it could be real I think I'm done for now I have people to think about rescuing

I love new music! I found an amazing website today that has free downloads of like every song i wanted that absolutely made my day i now have the resolution and lua by JM and bright eyes (respectively) in my itunes library so yay! Andrew McMahon is definitely on my top 10 people list. his lyrics are just so powerful and amazing is it really weird that sometimes I feel like crying after I hear break myself or kill the messenger? Because when I hear music like that, i just completely lose myself in it i identify with every line and twist of the tongue i become the meaning, the story, the entirety in a weird way, it makes me feel like my insignificance matters sometimes, if i focus really hard, i can escape my body it's only for a second or two, nothing extreme, but i just feel this lightness, this pleasure in ceasing to exist in such a restricted form if you think about the universe, if you can see yourself as just a small piece of matter, you can slowly float away it only comes back into the light when you remember that you're still you, not the air, not the trees, but a girl with black eyes and a song in her head who wishes she could fly I wish i could leave for longer I want to know what elsewhere is like i think I'll keep practicing Maybe if I have enough heart, I'll uncover the secret I keep forgetting my dreams I need to start a dream journal I feel like they must mean something really big and convoluted because they never make any sense Did you know it's more common to dream in black and white than in color? i can't even imagine what that would be like Usually, I wake up with the boldest shades remembering the little fragments and particles of the events It's always the colors that cut

Ah yes it's finally friday wow this week flew by I feel like i mus have missed something, but no it's all here I've just learned how to lose track You know that state where you're just between sleeping and awake? Like when you're in the car, with your ipod on and everyone's voices seem to get slower and slower? And you lose track of your body, you don't have to move your arms and legs every five seconds, just to make sure the blood is still rushing through your body. You just sit still I wish I could do that all the time I hate moving Ihate itching and fidgeting and tapping But i can't help it I can be absolutely silent and unmoving for maybe 4 minutes tops But then I get paranoid almost, like this little voice in my head saying fucking move, do something, this doesn't feel right And when I listen I feel like I failed Because it makes me just as impatient and concious as everyone else I'm supposed to be doing homework, but I'm really not in the mood I get like that sometimes Usually I can force myself, but today it's not even worth it It's only saturday All I have is one essay Shouldn't really be that bad I had a weird dream last night Chris was in it that freaks me out i think i might like him again or maybe i'm just having makeout withdrawl fuck did you know you can get addicted to sex? Like for totally serious? Ah I don't want that to happen to me! What if i just like start needing people? What if I can't be just fine by myself? I rewrote the lyrics to last straw by jack's mannequin yesterday during english "I think the commets are a warning sign" that one was my favorite this random kid i hooked up with once when i was on drugs asked to read them so i let him He said they were really good and then proceeded to tell me about his life and girl friend it was weird, but also kind of nice He's a cool kid i guess creepy, but cool Not many people would have been like oh hey i hooked up with that girl once a year ago and now she's writing on a bench outside...i should go talk to her! haha i take that back absolutely no one on the planet would behave the way sunshine does But hey, i mean i guess that's actually kind of neat even though most people hate you atleast you know you're one of a kind This is going to sound weird, but sometimes i wish i had no friends Not that i'd want to be alone all the time, i wouldn't it's just I think i'd be a very different person without them by my side Last night I went to this girls house and had some "special" jello with tequilla It was crazy lame, like all girls just trying to get wasted and making prank phone calls But anyway, the point is that I'd come straight from gymnastics Like only an hour or so earlier I'd been doing tsuks and giants and focusing on flying And now I was drinking nasty tasting shit just for a bit of a buz Like what the hell? That makes absolutely no sense. It isn't anything like I want to be But i was there I wasn't at the gym forcing myself to face up to fears I was in a friends bedroom with other girls making the same exact mistakes It just seems jaded somehow That's part of why i like my arts school though, I have absolutely no one to answer to I haven't made friends because I've kept to myself And i think, for a while atleast, I'm going to keep it that way It can be like an experiment of sorts hypothesis:If you have no friends, then you don't have to pretend so much I don't know, sounds kind of stupid to me If you don't have any friends, who is left to make you feel less insane?

I'm killing myself from the inside out I'm trying so hard to be someone else, someone so very different from the way i've been raised but breaking the mold while staying in line turns out to be quite the impossible task Especially when you doubt yourself as much as i do I always say i'm gonna lead the life i choose, but there's so much in the way It's going to take alot of sympathy, alot of luck and hope and determination But somehow, those are all skills I've sort of aquired over the years By disguising myself behind all these different personas, these strangers I've just experienced twice as much maybe it's not such a bad thing to have no idea where the hell you're headed that way you can put most of the mistakes behind you and just head off on your way It usually doesn't feel like it, but 16 is really so young I mean, all I know is this town there's so much more i need to make sense of Most likely, I've got years and years left, but of course nothing is for sure I could get hit by a car I could get shot or stabbed or broken And when i start to think about that, about the impermanace of my life here, I get scared Because if I were to die right now, I'd feel so angry and cheated That's no way to die at all I want my stars to finally explode i want the thunder to pull me underneath the haze but I don't want to just let go I replay the catchy choruses in my head all the time I've somehow mangaed to create a life based on the lyrics that fill my mind I've found recently that it's easier for me to just watch other people talk about nothing than to join in I'm an observer, a watcher I don't like gettting caught up because i have no idea where the swell will take me I'm so small, so human only a fractional part of a universe The vast vast majority of the world, of this state even doesn't even know I exist It doesn't matter how many chances I take, how many hearts and bones I break I'll always only be a little part of a masterplan That's why I've learned to accept my own significance, to simply strive to mean something to the few people that stand by me

I bang my head along to the beats i form my army, my own little world i feel most comfortable with headphones in my ears because it means i don't i have to speak i wonder if people see se me standing there alone and feel sorry for me or do they just see nobody home and accept it I have to do it though, it's my version of love It's music or screaming for help and in htis world no one cares about anyone else it's just as well I like being my own private island sometimes

Somtimes i feel like a stranger in my family we're talking but it feels like i'm silent my words taste so shallow e,pty i don't want to sit and talk, stay fro a while i just want to run, get back up stairs back to hiding, back to writing i scream to music at the top of my lungs i love lyrics, colliding and crashing i never want anything to hold onto someone get the damn phone it's taking over my head Sometimes i think i made it all up that this is only a story i'm telling myself that really, i'm another person in an alternate universe just following along on the edges of normal can anyone tell i'm strange when they look in my eyes because if i look in the mirror, i start to see it it creeps up on me at first, like a hidden shadowy light but suddenly, spark turns to fire and for a second a start to wonder if maybe i really am beautiful afterall i need to get my focus together stop being so stubborn it's just two more years, two more wasted years or atlkeast that's what i tell myself when i can't fall asleep i know i'm indebted to my parents forever i know i'll probably have to make room for my sister in the nexrt part of my life but honestly, it genuinely hurts me how different wew seem how can they not see the world in the terrible way i do? how can they not see the statues crumbling how can they see more sky than cloud it hurts so bad because i can't escape it reality just is there's no shaking a life story there's no waking up, recovering i wish i could get that thank god i't not real feeling even just a little please help me pretend?

I feel like i should od an update has it reall only been a week since i last posted? why does it feel like so much longer? The weekends almost over I just finished an english paper yay I'm tired, but not in a sleepy kind of way just a bored barely breathing way like a life without living I went to a party on saturday night it was actually fun i didn't do anything stupid and i didn't get caught so that's always a plus oh and the new girl at school who my friends and i adopted is having a kick ass sweet 16 soon so more partying to come ugh, why do i have nothing to write about that makes no sense at all there used to be days where i could squeezer out 2 or 3 entries now i can't even manage to make one out of a week wow this is frustrating is my life really that boring?

Monday's are the hardest They're always so abrupt Immediately, 3 less hours of sleep Immediately, back to the grind I wish i needed a break, but i honestly don't anymore I'm strangely okay with these 18 hour days with this fast paced rush it gives me less time to procrastinate more time to get down and focus I hate when I act like a bitch in front of people i hate when other girls hit my hot button just mention the rebeccas and i'm one of them just piss me off the timiest bit, just call one of them nice, and i'm off on a ride I can't keep quiet, can't swallow it down these feelings, this payback, just have to explode all the ways the hurt me, all the scars and used up places, they have to fight back no one realizes this isn't me, i don't have that same motivation it's just i need to help others grasp just how horrible people can be, of course me included Maybe if i was prettier, maybe if i never had days where i felt so crap, then maybe i wouldn't feel like i had to be so cruel to compensate I doubt it though, why would just that little bit make a difference? "If she gets nowhere in life, atleast she knows she's pretty" I'm the girl in straw dog I'm thinking i can fly, and i might but no ones bleeding for me anyhow