So here it is. I'm typing up my notebook. i'm at such a crossroads. THIS is my climatic moment. I want to affect change. i want someone to read this and think. Just for a second. About a maybe, a new way to percieve. So Let's go. Don't panic, there simply is no need-Andrew McMahon Forward:This is an excerpt from one of my books. the title is having hope. Maybe some of it will rub off on me? There's something about summer that makes days pass by almost effortlessly. it's like you lose that structure, sense of time, everyone seems so focused on during the school year. I always miss the breaks, find myself questioning the calendar. Is it really thursday already? Where did last week go? Maybe it has something to do with the weather, the warmth discouraging hurry. Or maybe time just works like that when we've got nothing worthwhile of savoring moments for. Mary heads to the pool with her friends almost everyday, probably more for the boys than anything else. This fact should probably concern me, but somehow it doesn't. it just makes me remember being 15, that powerful age of thinking you know everything. And then later on realizing just how wrong you were. She reminds me of myself back then, but she'd take offense if I told her this. I sigh and flash through old memories in my head of my bikini clad high school friends and getting tipsy on daddy's bourbon. Crazy how that was only 30 years ago. Somehow, it seems like 30 lifetimes. I knock on Teresa's door and enter the room without waiting for a response. it is not until I am already inside that I recall Mary's admonishment from yesterday, "there's no pint in knocking if you're just going to comer in anyway". It's a fair point i suppose, but Teresa doesn't even seem to notice my intrusion;her eyes stay focused on her book. For a moment I watch her, admiring her concentration. 13 has been hard for Teresa, and she's spent most of it alone. Everyday while Mary is off having fun, Teresa sits in her room reading for hours at a time. Her hand suddenly reaches toward the bedside table, picking up a chocolate bar I hadn't even noticed before. "Teresa," I say, probably more sharply than necesary. Her eyes flick up and the book falters in her hand. "Mom. You startled me," she says, regaining her composure. "Teresa," I say again, "why are you eating that candy bar now? It's almost tiem for lunch! You're going to spoil your appetite. Now put that thing away!" If it were Mary, there would have been a fight. But Teresa merely nods and tosses it into the garbage. "I'm sorry, mom," she says. I might be imagining but I could almost swear I see her wince as she does, as if it hurts her to submit so easily.

So I'm officially at that point of the day where i start to feel the boredom seeping in the meaning fall away and the old scars start to peel bringing back the old skin of yesteryear that time when I was happy I remember feeling full so unlike this sedation where everyday I'd smile cuz I was still alive The reason I take and twist these words is really just because without them i'd be blind I can't talk because then no one listens My image is so simple and soilid I'm just the girl with the pretty brown eyes the perfect gymnast body the kind of girl you love and leave except unlike others i never cry I write a poem like that in creative writing school how if i could, I'd mutilate my body just so the world could see without explaination that i deserve to be taken seriously i'm not what it seems there is no face value I'm disappearing in these visions i could really use a friend right now every time i touch myself it feels like a sin I'm terrified of mirrors I despise any imperfections I want to be perfect Not in mind, that's too much to ask In a weird way I like these fucked up thoughts coursing through my veins just perfect in the sense that i would be untouchable I don't want to feel anywhere I only want to breathe in lightening I was thinking i should type up my notebook some of poems on here I feel like I'd have to stay up all night and do it just radiating sleeplessness go to bed, my mom would yell well, they can make me do that they can make me lye down, stay still but they can never make me sleep

This looked fun. Thanks triceraemerie. Sorry for the snaggage of latest journal link, but my other two entries from today are inciteful :) Choose a band / artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs: Something corporate 2. Are you male or female: punk rock princess 3. Describe yourself: not what it seems 4. How do some people feel about you: Miss America 5. How do you feel about yourself: Ruthless 6. Describe your ex boyfriend / girlfriend: Only Ashes 7. Describe a boyfriend / girlfriend/ spouse: Little (hahahahahahahaha not bf but watever) 8. Describe where you want to be: I woke up in a car 9. Describe how you live: Break Myself 10. Describe how you love: I Want To Save You 11. What would you ask for if you had just one wish: Good News 12. Share a few words of Wisdom: Forget December 13. Now say goodbye: You're Gone Well that was fun. Time for lunch

My life is so boring i can hardly stand it I need to get out of here like. right. now. ugh Remember that song I'm just a kid by simple plan? How the dude is just like waiting around for somebody to call? That is my freaking life right now I mean, not the no friends part. i guess i could hypothetically call someone, make some plans but with my parents, the way they always hold giving me rides over my head i might as well save my favors for when someone else needs me I don't know what to do There's only so many tv shows to watch so many songs to over analyze other than that it's just blah filling up the moments they always tell you to live every day as though it's your last I can't help but think this would be the worst last day on the planet Like if i really only had a little left to live and didn't have a future to look forward to I'd probably just go ahead and off myself oh come on, that's not half as horrible as it sounds It's not like tv and songmeanings are actually living It's times like these when I'm bored out of my mind that my inner subconscious always tells me to write as in, work on one of my many failed book efforts But even when I can force myself, it still feels so useless I mean, i'm only 16. What the hell do I know about writing a book? What makes me qualified to even think I'm that good of a writer? I know that this is technically writing, but it doesn't even feel like it most of the time. It doesn't prick at my spine, make me feel like screaming.Mostly, it just feels like talking. What i love about these journals is how it makes you feel connected in such a safe way. Usually, you have to risk to gain. But here you can put yourself out there and not be judged. No one even knows my name. I don't care if you think I'm a horible person for some of the shit I say. It doesn't matter because I don't know you either. We're on a completely even playing field. The worst thing that can happen is you don't understand. And the best is that I subtley change a fraction of your day. See all you private journal users? It's totally worth it to let in these strangers :)

It's been a while since my last journal, so I figure I ought to write a new entry. I don't know why I haven't really been journaling lkately. i've been on SM every single day. my life is basically wake up look pretty eat sm gymnastics. Wow that sounds even more pathetic than i thought it would listed out like that. I wish I could drive so i could atleast go places. Nowhere special of course. Just maybe like fye to buy some new music or to go out to lunch. I hate staying in the house all morning. It gives me the worst kind of headaches. S came home from Maine for a week. I hung out with her mon and tues. She slept over and we stayed up till five talking. We listened to over 200 songs on my ipod shuffle list. I love analyzing music with fellow obsessers. It feels so good to find peace within someone elses company. usually, i just want the world to disappear. Gymnastics isn't really going as well as I hoped it would be. I go five days a week for atleast 4 hrs at a time. And still i get no credit. You know how in a previous entry I wrote how it would be so much easier if I had someone to care? I still stand by that completely. Doing anything this hard completely alone is probably the most brusing and abusive thing in the world. Sometimes I start fearing how far I'll have to go before anyone begs me to stop. My mom keeps telling me that this hard work i'm putting in is only for the summer tho. That when school starts, I'm going to have to cut way back. She says this so casually, like giving up the only thing i have to belive in is entirely insignificant. i know I'm supposed to nod and agree, but I just can't do it. I just can't listen while she tells me little untruths about what I want and what I really need to be focusing on. It just breaks me to the core that all i need is a freaking ride and she's got to turn around and pretend to care. She told me I should really consider just doing it recreationally. Like not compete. Um hello? Aren't you supposed to encourage your kids? Tell them they can do anything they put their minds to? For once, I really wish I could have a lie like that. When people tell me I can't do something, it just makes me more determined. I WILL be a level 8 gymnast. I will be the best one in the whole fucking state. But the problem with that is I'm such a realist. I know I need all the practice I cna get. I know that drive is only half the battle. But, by the same mark, I also know I'd spend every moment in the gym if I could. And I know that more than anyone I fucking DESERVE just a tiny tiny bit of sucess. So that's got to count for something. Are you watching god? You've got all the ropes. Now please don't let me fall

I'm bringing H with me to gym today woo hoo that should be fun It kind of stinks i can't go in early tho i love getting extra open work out by myself yesterday some little girl came up to me like why are ypou here all the time? I was just like because i really want to get better i mean that's true of course but also like the gym is the only place I don't feel like I'm going insane I got my tsuk thingy off the tramp it's kind pf ugly on my head in the pit but oh well lol I'm psyched i actually went for it I just wish my neck wasn't so sore now... Yesterday's practice was kind of hard tho I guess i was tired by the end, but that's not really an excuse i chickened out of doing my roundoff on beam god i hate when I have to just back down and give up When I just can't force myself to go through with it It sounds kind of crazy, but I feel like right before I do a skill I'm kind of scared of, I start thinking like "If someone in the world cared besides me right now, this would be the easiest thing ever" It makes no sense of course but still it'd be nice to have someone else's expectations on my shoulders atleast every once in a while the worst thing is though, when I get scared like that by the time I finally just do it it doesn't even seem like an accomplishment it just seems like well, it's about time and that's the worst feeling in the world If I could have just one wish, i'd want to be fearless That way i could really push myself that way I'd never get hurt by anyone or anything If only I could just take off a day from worrying so much Chris didn't come to gym yesterday, which actually made me kind of sad Ugh I think i actually like him it really sucks, liking people cuz even though it's great when you're together its always that sinking worry every second you're not that's why i never intend to fall in love never ever again I watched a cool true life on T.V. today it was about people who took a year off of their lives to travel the world alone How awesome is that? I started thinking that's something I'd really love to do another box on my impossible dream list lol except I wouldn't want to go alone I'm not a leader like that I need a route or an opinion to follow But the thing is, I have no idea who I'd bring Maybe when I'm like 25 if I'm still not married, I'd just like grab a friend I haven't seen in years and be like, hey I'ver got this crazy idea that would be so insane but it's so unrealistic, I'm kind of scared to even dream about it does that make sense? Not even daring to think about dreams just because they'll probably never come true? I think its protective somehow If I have no expectations I can't be let down

it's so weird not being on my computer the internet broke on mine, so i've got to use the family one it shouldn't really make a difference (obviously its got the same keyboard|) but for some reason it feels out of place like i might get caught doing something i'm not supposed to i feel sort of exposed i guess like anyone could just waltz over and read this whatever it's better than nothing Today wasn't too bad started off pretty good I hung out with H and M today we went over this morning and watched tv and stuff spilled about the boys of course lol idk it feels kind of weird when i talk about chris sort of like it's a privledge i haven't earned yet he's not mine, probably never will be so far he's just a good story to tell is it too much to hope for something more? grrr the song dark blue by jack's mannequin apparently got famous my sister's bratty friend just started singing it ugh that's so depressing andrew is way too talented to have stupid teeny boppers singing his songs i bet they don't even know who something corporate is i'm such a music snob lol haha oh well i wouldn't have it any other way after i came home from m's house my sis had previously mentioned friend over so i hjad tro go out to dinner with everybody my mom's all like be nice so i just sat there silently honestly, i just don't know what to say to girls like that who talk shit about their best friends and have older sisters who are life ruiners my mom's all like what's ur problem i'm like i'm sorry i just can't stand to be near anyone who's close to a rebecca i mean, it's all i thought about during dinner the whole thing just floors me like fb messages from someone else's account|? screaming out rumors in the locker room|? it makes me more sad than mad at this point that anyone could be so shallow, so cruel does it make you feel good if you break people down? all i hope i guess is that someday they learn ah i just gave sis and brat friend a music lecture i told brat friend she can't like dark blue unless she could name andrew's old band she couldn't shocker now she easily thinks i'm a weirdo haha good i'd rather be weird then the backstabbing evil bitch slut her sister's made me out to be ah g2g movie time apparentlty more later i'm sure

i'm working my ass off every moment i'm in there i give it my all 100010 % it's literally killing me, these marks on my hands my thighs, my hips, all bruised and torn but i swear to god i'd do it every moment for the rest of my life if i could i think it's probably good it doesn't come easy i have to work so hard to accomplish anything i have to let it get under my skin in order to get the rewards My parents don't want to let me go four days a week next year they wouldn't listen, even when i cried apparently its just too much to handle i couldn't even begin to possibly explain how much i need gymnastics to keep me sane to me, its an escape today, even after i fell, i just wnated to keep going so badly to create those new limits, set the bar higher and higher when i'm doing it, there's no room to think i don't have to be fake, make those inane conversations i get to just be, all alone in my zone i wish i never had to go back home chris was there today we only got to talk for a bit, but he was nice atleast he kissed me goodbye and said he'd call he was lying, but that's okay i don't even remember how to be disappointed i think that we've got what it taked to get this heart star beating again oh god i hope so it just screams so wrong when i come down from flying

"i want to live like i know what I'm leaving" I always thought that was how the words went but apparently by hearing it my own way, i came up with something i can call my own how fucking incredible is that? You know, I 'm really starting to believe I'll come out okay

ah shit my entry just got deleted kind of my fault but watever i guess i have nothing better 2 do than rewrite it all over again today was kind of hard there were a few times i had to remind myself to breathe because i just kept sinking in chris didn't call or text me figures you'd think by now i'd be used to getting treated like shit but somehow it still burns i know i swore i didn't care that it wouldn't affect me at all but somehow it does i'd say i'm stupid, but i'm really not theres nothing i can learn from this nowhere can i go back and say so here's where the mistake is my only problem is that i still feel just like everyone else no one likes being rejected nobody likes being played no matter how much i try, i can't help but have expectations and thats what leaves me bruised i want to get to a point where i stop bleeding so i can rip my arms and legs at the seams and all that'd come out is holy water i want to be made of lavender stars