these days eem to stretch for ever the hours, they blend before my very eyes quickly enveloping mornings, noons, nights it just seems so unreal I am not even here i'm just a quiet observer although sometimes ill start to forget start to want and fear and love but then someone always reminds me and i have to choke those emotions back down i want my phone back i want those connections i want to see if he's even sorry so then i can atleast make an educated choice on whether or not to forgive him fuck me fuck me in the backseat i should so be over it all by now these plain jane games are not my scene but i hate this suspene so much its fucking crushing me, breaking and grinding my bones and i'm so so powerless i got yelled at work today i'm not involved i hate kids i swear, i was never that disobedient god my kid's are gonna be the fucking shit i cantwaitcantwaitcantwait but i guess ill just have to hold on a little longer and pray to god i don't just blow away

finally, im allowed back on the computer grounding=over lesson learned? let's see I learned i hate drunk people i learned police fucking suck I learned my friend's older sister is even bitchier than i thought I learned I'm really good at bullshitting appology letters I learned that even TV gets boring after a few hours I learned I can read an 800 page book in three days I learned that fb is a warehouse for evil and I learned i don't trust anyone but me so yea, don't worry mom there'll be no more run ins with the law as far as i'm concerned lol but yea most of all, i missed the music on the internet this is probably really weird but i write down the names of artists i hear on tv shows and basically stalk them down until i can get their music for free cool hobby right? lol half the time, they're either terrible or impossible to find, but sometimes you get lucky like goot is a pretty good band that randomly had a song on the real world and is nice and gives away music on purevolume so woot! in other news, my summer's goin pretty lame just basically trapped inside atleast next week we'll go to the beach not that that's the time of my life or anything, but you know its better than home i guess hmm nothing else really to say it's weird, i haven't gone on here in forever, and still there's nothing its almost as if no time passed at all probably because other than when matt fucks it up, my life is so plain and boring two more years till college then i can live without the rents and die the bottom of my hair purple get a tattoo pierce the rest of my ear, all the way up and ofcourse go to concerts and party all night long ahhh y is two years such a long time? do you think if i close my eyes it'll happen faster?

It's officially over done done done only a few hours into summer and already i have no idea what to do with myself lol im going to stop writing now becuase ive just realized ive got nothing to say

haha glad i didn't bother studying that marketing final was sooooo easy took me less than an hr first one done woot go me lol so now ive got an hr to kill b4 english which is only to write one essay in the course of two hours i give me like 45 minutes to finish and then im outta here good bye sophmore year its been real its been fun but it hasn't been real fun if you know what i mean lol i guess i learned a lot tho made some incredible friends and now ive got an entire summer stretched out ahead of me ahh life is good really, right now, ive got absolutely nothing to complain about

4 down, 2 to go god i hate finals ugh they never end! in bio, i started feeling like borderline suicidal like an hour in i swear i just don't have that much of an attention span for something so pointless really, i'm thinking finals must be some form of cruel and unusual punishement freaking ridiculous! anywho, nothing new really to report sooooo psyched for summer procrastinating studying for marketing :(

Can we just end this already? I'm so sick of waiting It's just a few days lets press fastforward im not afraid of what might not happen only scared of just whight might these pages are empty theres so so many it hurts to watch i have somehow replaced my skin for glas. Did you know the body functions by negative feedback? As in, the way it controls shit, so you don't like go all comatose, is to wait until something's fucked up before all your little cells and neurons go to work? It only fixes whats broken and i can't help but wonder how often it happens that the army comes in far far too late I didn't sleep at all last night well, barely i listened to music all night long song after song after song breathing in the lyrics and lines along with the siluettes and shadows it tastes like vanilla syrup or a cover of absolutely by train you'd think it would be so good, so sweet but once you get beyond the first whiff its almost too late to admit you were wrong I'm going to do it again tonight, i think i've spent four fucking hours on studying and i'm about to do another i hope someone stops me i hope someone tells me to go to bed its so sad i need someone to confirm my choices so i know theyre not all mistakes

I think all this studying is slowly killing me I've spent hours and hours memorizing formulas and stastics about bacteria and the Articles of Confederation I wrote all the lines, like a good little girl, pretending the stab of the pencil didn't immediately make me think of the potential pain i could inflict with its point I let those words take me, words about nothing letting the lyrics i so painstakingly memorized all slip away i don't know if i can do this forever it hurts to much, i just surrender i want to sleep for 20 years and wake up when i don't hate this all so much i'm speaking in riddles, little rhymes the only explanation is im going so insane ive forgotten how to make any sense This is ridiculous. i don't careidontcareidontcare. Please someone tell me it gets better than this please, just let me see my future for five fucking seconds just so i'll know if its worth it and then go ahead and turn the freaking lights off again so i'm back to this empty blackness i sound so depressed so dark, but really im not this miserable i swear it i start writing... and this is just what happens i don't mean anything by it or maybe i do and just don't know it? It shouldn't be this complicated But that never means it isn't the truth is so rarely what i expect it to be

let's just not and say we did. How about that? I don't want to live through it, she's suddenly had an opiffiny. Fine whatever. Neutrality it is. You can keep all your bull shit to yourself. And ill just keep on going the way we were before. I don't know what to write about but its all im capable of this is my gift, my talent why are these letters getting so blurry i swear im not even thinking anymore its so disconnected I AM these words, these lines these lyrics they have completely taken me over Theres no one left inside this shell i give up, you win i am little miss america ill hold the tiara high pretend the image of its pieces on the floor aren't screaming my name i need to do this I fucking CHOSE this i get that last thing i need that single freedom i'm doing this for me not for them its only a protection only a sheild this way they'll never break me again never get inside and twist and turn through out my blood untill all the color starts to drain Pain? all gone i am no longer even here i don't deserve to feel anything at all dead, but not really just moving environments just because you can't see me doesn't mean i'm not there i'll be okay like this, i promise you can hold my hand if you want but all i can swear is i won't let go not that you won't end up changing your mind once you realize im not worth saving

I really can't study right now i was going to i swear i was willing to force myself but now now its changed its funny how just a few minutes can do that make you hate something so vhemently school is too redundant to even imagine right now i fucking need to write this its so unfair what they're doing to me... alll these backs turning so quickly i was your friend once how can you forget that? so why would you do this to me? im already hurting badly enough is there really any need to make that gash deeper? Do you really want that blood on your fucking designer clothes? It took me so long to get over what happened in october i felt so guilty, so slimy am i really that cold? i know i could say its not really my fault its all about chance, all about choices i could say i made the wrong ones too but that would be a lie in the end, i didn't choose at all it just happened okay? i didn't mean for anyone to get hurt i didn't imagine it would feel like anything at all just the usual little pieces floating away so gently but when i found out oh god im so so sorry hailey i sincerely wish i had known beforehand i wish i was entitled to details before i got involved but please, what ever you do, don't make me relive it thats so sosososososososososo unfair i really don't know if i could even stand it i already said i was sorry why can't anyone hear me screaming?

I hate her. I hate her i hate her i hate her. like please just do us all a favor and go fucking kill yourself. Because when you're that much of a bitch, you've really got absolutely nothing to offer anyone. God Problems out of nothing it takes a freaking miracel to be narrowminded enough to pull of some of the shit you do Believe it or not i am a person I do have friends who don't fucking suck so just lay off its my life okay? you don't have to tattle on me its none of your fucking business what the hell did i do to you besides reciprocate i already told you i never claimed im not a hypocrite thats no reason to go and fuck my life over you know what my parents would do to me right? like tie me up and chain me down and never let me go id b in freaking therapy for christsakes and you'd walk away faking the victim I swear to god i could KILL you ill b neutral if ull b neautral thats all there is to it you won't cooperate so why should i? do you really think i give a flying fuck if its "below me"? I'm just playing the game hun and I always win ALWAYS