so double open this peroid. yay. tooo bad its the worst open in the history of the world. There is no one and I mean NO ONEin the cafeteria. well except for J. But our convo was kind of like oh hey yea this open does suck bye. so yea. thats y im in the computer lab. eating a cinnamon toast crunch bar under the table. joy. i've never felt so empathetic for those kids hu have no friends and hav to go eat lunch in the bathroom. I have no idea what i'm going to do with myself for the next hr and 15 minutes. Mess around on here i guess lol. Nothing else has happened since yesterday. I'm still kind of sick, but my voice is comming back. which is definitely good. I think ill go look up songs now. byee

hm eventful day 2day what to say what to say it should have been easy i stayed home sick from school my mom tried to guilt me into giung ofcourse but i didn't feel too bad cuz i was actually sick as in i have absolutely no voice nor can i breathe out my nose but ah whatever i think ill live anyway, i spent most of the day just watching t.v. a few friends texted to ask where i was i guess its nice that someone cares... the most interesting show i watched was House season finale LIKE OMG freaking amazing it was so moving and deep i actually cried i know im a baby, none of its real, but still... it sends a nice message very inspirational Im already excited for next season. After that i felt like writing so i wrote the 1st pg of a new book i know, i know i probably shouldnt start a new "journey" so to speak without finishing my old starts and i shouldn't leave loose ends unraveled but i find that the more i have written the harder it is to keep going maybe its because the deeper i go under the closer i hit to home and it just hurts so much i have to stop later on i talked to matt. wow. intense shit there, dude. basically he swears he's had an opiffiny and he's realizing how badly he treated me. well yea. duh. But even though that's nice and all, its really hard for me to believe him. I mean, even though i was trying so hard to be made fo stone, he still managed to hurt me. That lost alot of my trust. What if i go back to him and things are just the same as before? Or what if they even get worse? I told him as of now he's on probation. I don't even know what that means, to be honest. But i also told him he had to do something extra special to get me back. and i wasn't going to tell him what it is. So if somehow he actually manages to pull that off, i'll go back to him. Afterall, fate can only take you so far. I'd hate to lose out on a good thing just by not taking chances. Alos, i do feel kind of bad for J now tho. Even though i don't think he actually likes me for more than my ass, theres always a chance im also appealing as a person. I mean, he does text me everyday and i never start the convos lol. But i think i should probably top hooking up with him. Matt doesn't know yet and i really don't want him to. it's just unecessary. For me, there are absolutely no feelings involved in that one. But i suck at letting people down. Hopefully, eventually j will just get the hint or find a new whore? haha i hope so Oh i almost forgot, I'm going to my 1st concert may 31st! Its bedlight for blue eyes in wallingford! Omg im so excited. I only know a few of their songs, but danny, the lead singer is maddddd talented. plus he's super hott lol. ahh i hope all my friends can go too...it just wouldn't b anywhere near as crazy without them. Well thats it for now. Later! Serenity

i'm trying out this new thing where i just don'tcare at all not about anyone, not about anything i just let myself go i follow the paths they draw out for me long lines filled with nothing heres and not right nows but i'll keep on trudging telling myself every wasted day every second that i hate is one step cloeser to having my own happy when you get close to people they hurt you if you want things, if you hope, you almost always end up diappointed i'm so tired so freaking tired of being the girl crying over the ashes of everything she ever wanted i don't love him i don't i don't i don't this isn't about him it's about me, who i'm becoming changing, darkening into filling in the outlines J wants me so i'll succumb easily i can't stop this it would take everything i have and then there'll be nothing left to keep faking it with so today i'll go and be who he wants and maybe later matt will text me but probably not definitely not and he will not know what i have done because i think secretly it might kill him just a bit to see what kind of monster he has created because i needed a better defense i swear it won't hurt i swear i won't let it to him it will be carnal, all raging hormones and ego and I, I will just slip away feel his body heat searing my skin and pretend the scars that it leaves are simply invisible marking another girl 5000 miles away so please don't blame me for what i'm about to do in remaining fragile and pliant i am only protecting myself

ahhh this class is sooo long! I feel like i've been in here for hours math was mad long too so i stopped paying attention and wrote a song lol it's weird i didn't know what it was going to be about at first and then it ended up being about him huh atleast i feel like i'm over it ah the joys of pretending i wish i really could play the guitar i used to take lessons i don't know why i stoped i don't even remember if i made up a reason it was a long time ago that's good enough of an excuse i guess but anyway it would be nice music kind of is my life i spent basically the whole weekend looking up songs on this website hit that by the offspring is amazing so freaking catchy lol the rest of the cd is kind of lame, but that song makes up for it the rest of the weekend i basically watched tv woot what an exciting life i have there was a motion city soundtrack concert i wish i could have gone to, but im not allowed to go to concerts unless a parent brings me that is umm no thanks lol my friend linds randomly decided not to hate me yay? i guess idk, i don't really care she's kind of like whatever fun to party with, but that's about it nothing else worthwhile beneath the surface or atleast not that she's willing to let show... i'm thinkin i need some new guy friends like attractive ones lol i mean don't get my wrong i love C to death but... hooking up with him is kind of ew? sorry that sounded bitchy lol im really not that shallow welll maybe just a little bit... this random hottie wants to get with me i should be psyched but... im not rly feeling it he clearly just wants a one night stand and contrary to popular belief im rly not that hoish idk ill figure it out g2g tootles!

Tonight was fun. Had a jew bowling thing lol. Got to party it up wit my girl M. woot i love crazy freshman :) But anyway, that was a nice break i think. I hate nights when I have to stay home. It's like painful getting through a meal with my family. My parents talk only about things like mortages and tax payments. Like seriously. It's freaking ridiculous. BOR-ING. Grr i hope i'm never that lame when i'm an adult I tried really hard not to think about him today. It's soooo hard. he keeps popping up every thought i turn to. It would be infuriating but somehow i made it okay. Somehow, i just let myself stop caring so hard for a few minutes, just let the past year slide away. And then I was fine If I just pretend that everything that happened between us wasn't me, then i can handle it. It seems so close to rational its crazy. I might even be able to move on soon. God i'm doing that thinking too hard thing again. I'm gonna go to bed goodnight my dear, wherever you are

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? yeah, on top but i don't think i'd actually do it Does a kiss make you feel better? depends on the circumstance Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? haha no Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? before What did you do today? school and t.v. Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower? um no. I didn't know people actually did that lol Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time? haha i can barely keep up with one Have you ever thought about your death? from time to time... Ever been in love? in moments, sure. Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field? depends. if the permanent is good than yea. If it's all suckish, then play the field. What is your favorite sport? gymnastics

i really hate this. hatethishatethishatethis. I've got so much homework left to do. I can't figure out how to solve a freaking logarithim. God, this is ridiculous. Why do I even care? The truth is, I don't. I know in the course of a lifetime, it won't matter at all. But I put on a good front, a happy face for the parents. And I try so hard to just work, to shut out everything.. But it keeps coming back. I'm so scared for the future. I don't know what;s goign to happen to me. I feel like a puppet on a string. i've lost all control, i need an escape. But everytime i swear I'll never go back, that I'll just give it up, we have one of those perfect moments. And then i swear all this shit, this waiting around never sure of what the deal is game, is something i can handle. But right now, when I'm losing so badly, it's fucking taking over my everything. There's no room left to care about Lord of the Flies or la cultura en espana. Just. This. He basically ignored me at school today. And yesterday he told me i was one of the best people in his life. I'm so confused. He loves me, he loves me not. All i want is a straight up answer. That's really not much to ask. God this is killing me. This unsureness, the helpless feeling. All of it slowly destroying every ounce of resistance the past few years have taught me to hold up. Why does he do this? I'm really starting to fear for my own sanity

at some point i think you really... just have to STOP thinking about what you feel and START realizing what you deserve don't be reckless with other people's hearts it's unfair, it's unkind and you'll only hurt yourself in the end but by that same token don't put up with people who are reckless with yours or else you just give them permission to hurt you i really think i loves me in fact, i know it but i also know that he could pretend to stop at any point and time and that somedays i'll wake up on top of the world and others i'll wish i was anyone but me so you question is it worth it? I'll let you know when i figure out the answer

off to a decent start so far. Marketing is the best class ever. I just got back a test i got 95% on without studying. Soooo great. And now i get to just chill on the net for the rest f class. Wahoo! All my friends are being so sweet to me. They keep telling me I'm a good enough person already and that I have nothing to prove to him. I know they have a point, I don't have to like do a total turnabout or anything, but I'm still going to try. It's not just for him anymore. I think I owe it to myself to see just what I'm worth Apparently he and H talked last night on AIM. I thought that was kind of weird. He never goes online. Maybe he wanted to talk to me?Hmmm. But anyway, she said she asked me y he broke up with me over the phone with his friends like that. He told her it was only because he just needed to do it right then. Like he couldn't stand to wait till tomorrow. That makes sense I guess. i know what it's like to have uncontrollable urges. There's times where I just need to write or hear a song or call a friend...I can sort of put myself in his shoes on that one. But also said the reason we broke up was because we're too different. I'm not following that logic all too well. I mean, obviously theres the differences on the surface. But doesn't he feel how explosive it is when we're together? Doesn't he get that same sense of flying, of anything happening, of champagne super novas that i do? I'm not sure, and that scares me. I don't want to be the only crazy one. I think maybe he just told H that because of the way i act when i'm with her. How i sort of switch into best friend mode instead of actual person. Although he certainly has his flaws, he is true to himself at all times. Always stubborn, always unflinching, brutally honest. I do give him props for that. I'm still trying to figure out who the real me is. But once i get there, i think he'll see that we're really good together. That I am capable of being genuine all the time, not just with him. And then maybe he'll fight less. Once he sees how much I've done for us. And then we'll live happily ever after oh god. even i'm not that naive

Ah weekends over. Bummer. I rather dislike school :( oh well, I guess if I'm being optimistic only 5 more days till the next one. Maybe J and I can go guy shopping at 6 flags now that i'm fucking single he texted me tonight. asked how i was doing. it's sweet that he cares. But it made me feel like crying again. i almost wish he'd just stay away if everything he says just makes me miss him more. It;s crazy though. i've been reading my old journal entries. I complain about how he treats me in every single one, just about. And looking back on it, I know it's true. he was never my knight in shining over. But i think, over time, i sort of learned to expect that. Like the few times we were together and everything was perfect made all the total shit worth it. Love's a funny thing. When it's not drowning me that is... I'm really working on being a better person. I made it through today without saying a single mean thing to or about anyone. I know, that sounds lame, but it's an accomplishment for me. A stepping stone. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to the rebeccas. As in like all 10 of them. Scary. I keep hearing from other people that they won't stop talking shit about me. And even tho i hav no respect for them whatsoever, it still kind of bums me out that they're that judgemental. Thay'll probably just laugh at me when i go over to talk, but watever. I can take it. I think I'll feel better about myself if i give ti a good college try. And maybe he'll be a little proud of me too.... umm what else? I bought some new cds. One was something corporate, leaving through the window. OMG soooo good. Andrew mc is my hero. to everyone hu hasn't heard SoCo music, you r missing out. It's like the perfect genre for everyone. It doesn't matter if all you listen to is death metal or ghetto rap. Like seriously, there isn't anyone out there who can listen to that album and come away with nothing. Alright I'm outtie. We'll see how 2morrow goes