"Hold me, hold me," "If I were to..." "I can't, can't; I swear I can't let you," "It's all in your hands, so I'll do what I can So you can do what you have to." i don't know why, but it's been stuck in my head all day. Still can't figure out what it means exactly...but ut's comforting right now. I think i just wish someone was there to hold me hold me. But no one is. We haven't talked in days. i guess I'm not even worth a text. And I hate so much how I'm thinking about him even when I swear I'm not. God these tears...I think they're erroding me. Maybe eventually my face will just become blank white. No eyes, no nose, no mouth. Just...flesh. Then no one will ever try to hurt me again. It will just be too obvious how unfeeling I can be.

But I’m alright, alright, I feel alright I never been better in my life You know the score I’m just fine, I’m fine, feeling fine A regular sawed off valentine That nothing more if you tell it yourself enough, eventually you start to believe it....

He treats me like shit. I am a piece of gum on the bottom of his shoe. An obnoxious kid he has to be nice to. Except Im his FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. And everytime I talk to him, i can tell he just wants me to go away. i know he's getting annoyed wen we're texting and i get the one word answers. But i can't just stop. He supposedly loves me. What the hell am i missing??? I don't get it. I don't know what he wants. one week he calls me everyday. The next it's an effort to even get a head nod. So i take a step back, say i must be doing something. But I'm not. There's absolutely nothing. I've truly just run out of reasons. why am i still with him?

Hey all. This one's gonna be a ride so just hold on tight. I've got a million words pressing at my finger tips. I haven't been on here in a while. I've got a bunch of things stored up to get off my chest. But don't panic, there simply is no need. Well first things first:I am officially gone. I no longer have a life, a mind of my own. i traded it in for some good grades and some smeblance of love. So who got the better end of the deal? Still not sure. I've basically given up sleep. Got 5 hours last night between studying and gymnastics. Everything is gogogogogo. I build up the momentum and just keep pushing. if I move fast enough, there's no time to feel. And I don't let myself hate it, won't cry out in pain. I pretend instead I'm a million miles away. Oh no, that girl? No, that's not me. It's only a reflection. Or atleast it was the last time I checked.... I schedule out every moment. i have to. Time is a valuable thing. X hours on homework=x grades=X parental satisfaction. Every second i'm working that equation around in my head, looking for something I've missed. But it turns out I'm out of shortcuts. It's the long road from here on out. I've got no time for T.V., no time for writing, no time for sleep. Only time to disappear. Oh alll the time in the world I'm getting better everyday. Sometimes I do it without even thinking. I move through motions as fluidly as a figure skater. I am in my element. I'm getting skinner too, wasting away. I've given up on beautiful. Now I guess different's all I've got left to go for.Not that anyone seems to see me anyway... Somehow I've got less friends than enemies. Most are undeserved, but still. It hurts to be hated. Sometimes when i least expect it, the unfairness of it all will just explode inside of me. It weighs a ton. Most times I end up sobbing on my knees. I want it to go away. But there's no words left to say. My friends are great, but we're all lost in our own ways. no one's ever completely honest. But we still have something that brands us together as whoever they deem us to be. That's gotta count for something. And my boyfriend...welll that's another story. Sometimes we won't talk for days. He's always mad. He fights shy of almost everything. He can only seem to see the bad in people, which hurts. He won't let me in, and somehow I can't remember if he ever did. he tells me he loves me so much but then he treats me like shit. So when we're apart (which is normally) i just detatch, pretend I don't care. But when he's got his arms around me, I can't help but feel safe. It's something we've got there. Chemistry I guess. but it's more than that. I just...fit. I don't know how else to describe it. I think he feels it too, which is why he keeps his distance. I'm not the only one thinking ahead. We both know how much hope hurts in the end. So tomorrow I don't know what I'll do. Homework for hours. Maybe someone will call and whisk me away to a dessert island where the wind is warm and the sand flickers aimlessly around. God that would be nice. I need to get out of this CT cold. It's so hard to breathe when your bones are breaking, your hands are shaking. It hurts to grow up... I hope I pulll through

okay so i completely love the song meanings people. Wanna know y? Sure ya do! well yesterday i was looking up some lyrics to a bunch of songs i just added and suddenly something horrible happened! there was no lyrics by the mission district! after spending like 1/2 an hr looking for lyrics on other sites to no avail, i finally just used the little add artist app on songmeanings! and the songmeanings ppl actually added it! yay! except there is one small problem...i can't find their lyrics anywhere on the net! :( This is very sad b/c mission district is actually a pretty good band...they're from canada and they sound alot like the killers meets all time low...aka sort of punk/indie popish. So if anyone randomly knows lyrics to any of their songs please please add them! and if not, give them a listen ob their myspace page...they're pretty great! Thanx! Plus i just found out u can download their songs for free on fb which just made my life!!!!!!! Serenity

I'm on the verge of something can't quite place it it's not a new beginning not quite an ending a new climax i guess a turning point with its own problems and inevitable solutions its true if you think about it nothing lasts for ever so even the bad has to back down sometime that's what i tell myself to keep from screaming so apparently we're good again I don't know what the deal is but im getting used to the drill we fight, i appoligize he builds, i loose ground i let him take me over as if it even mattered And now somehow we're standing we've surivived the storm but it's all i can do not to brace for another already, i'm getting lost in his embrace when he holds me, i'm safe loved for a moment it's like a little pocket of air and for a second i can breathe again i don't know what i want from this I'm terrified of loving him but im so scared of losing him too "loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making" okay, ill buy it But i refuse to get hurt i am strong enough to live without him that's a promise i'm making, right here, right now i will not be my own worst enemy

so we missed the bus! wahoo! Now mom'g got to drive me and my sister to school. I'm kinda glad, in a aselfish sort of way. The bus blows. There's too many ppl. My sister makes me sit on like the very very edge of the seat, halfway in the aisle. Kids screaming about drugs and what not. It's too early for that. So yay no bus! I'm gonna try to be better this week. Like actually do my homework and stuff. It just makes everything so much easier. I get to avoid the fighting. And i guess it's not that big of a deal. Whats an extra hr or 2. Every night. Instead of watching that's amore. But watevsies (as my awesome canadian friend would say). I'll deal. Did you know in most parts of canadia they don't actually say aboot for about? But they do say washroom for bathroom which is kind of weird lol. Ahh i miss all my europe cruise friends. It's very sad that in all likelyhood i'll never see them again :( oh well. I'll live welll i think i gotta go 2 school now. Have a good day! ttfn!

I don't know why, but somehow I'm invisible try as i might i can't pinpoint the exact moment, the time frame, in which i became this way it seems like a thousand years, but i know that is impossible I've only lived 16 so why do i feel 103? It's the weight of it all i suppose for unlike most, i do not hem and haw over burdens i bare them blatantly on my back, laughing bitterly with each step I have given up on fighting do not start a war unless you are 100% confident of winning they scream at me, for the good grades, for the right attitude i sacrifice it all, throw myself away i hear her yell and she is heard so why for me does it not have the same affect? every action i take is so pathetic, just as influencial as a hope or dream my words, they leave no mark they float simply to pieces tattered and torn weary and worn and once again i find that tiny piece of myself just drifting away

woot woot meet today! gotta get ready in like 1/2 an hr. I should probs be doing homework but watever. i mean, it's saturday. come on. Most of my school is probably still sleepling. This is about as productive as you can expect em to get. And besides, I'm home alone anyways. woo party! except not lol. No one's coming to my meet. That makes me a little bummed out i guess. I mean, i have like 4 meets a yr. How hard is it to take off an afternoon to support me? Very hard apparently. In a way though, i guess it kind of takes the pressure off. If I screw up, i'll only be failing myself. No harm done there. This week's been kind of rough for me. Idk, it just went really slowly. Got in a big fight with mom on thursday night. My Bs in honors classes aren't good enough. I have to try harder. In the end, I just stayed in the car when she went inside. And suddenly, for the strangest reason, i needed to run away. Like Right. Now. So i actually did it. I opened the garage door and peaced out. i ran so fast for the 1st like 8th of a mile I had to walk within 3 minutes. But still, it felt so good for a bit. I always talk about making a change, about taking action. But for once i actually did something about it. I made it almost to the end of street before i turned around. I knew from the start i was going to go back anyway, It was cold and dark and scary. I had no choice. When i got back my mom was in the car about to look for me. But i was already home. They didn't even notice i was gone until it was too late. So after that we went back inside and argued some more till finally i gave up and told her i was sos sosososososo sorry and i was going to get good grades and be her dream child. then she gave me a hug and told me she loved me, to which i said nothing in return. And that's where we're at now. Ah this journal's going to be too long if i add anything else so i'll get off now. If your looking for good music download you only get what you give by the new radicals. Old school, i know, but good for reminicing. And if you want a good laugh in an inappropriate way, go for 3.14 by bloodhound gang. Sooooo great. Byee

So. I feel like I haven't posted in forever, even though it's only been a few days. I've been busy i guess. Tons of gymnastics. Stupid school shit. But really, those are only excuses. I hate how I feel I have to lie to myself. If i don't even believe me, how can I expect anyone else to? Anyway, today went predictably slowly. School is painful torture. We got progress reports. I have Bs in everything. I'm so fucking screwed. My mom is going to skin me alive. goodbye drivers ed. Ah watever. I'm so fucking sick of pretending to care. My english progress report pissed me off the most. i work so god damn hard in that class but my evil teacher still fucked me over. I got an 88 in participation which murdered my average. i deserve a freaking 150%. I know, I know life's not fair. But come on. SOME fairness should be expected. So yea after that i wasn't really in the mood to shoot my hand up overenthusiastically about shakespere. i wrote poetry instead. Good times I really don't know what to do about school. I feel like I'm at aw crossroads. On one hand, i could just all out suck up, listen get straight As. Really, it would be that easy. But at the same time, i feel like every right answer i give, i'm losing a piece of myself. I don't care about this useless shit. Why should i fake like i do? I can get Bs by doing the absolute minimum. To me, it makes no sense to do any better. However, my parents disagree. To them this is IMPORTANT. But they can't know how much i hate it. Otherwise I'd liek to think they wouldn't push so hard. I don't know what to do. Maybe i'll figure it out this afternoon. Cuz going back and forth like this is just so jading. Moving onto other life problems, my boyfriend thinks i'm a horrible person. I finally figured it out. He's staying with me just to see if i'll prove him wrong. And probably for ass. Go figure. But as for me, you'd think it makes sense to walk away then. Right? That's the logical thing to do. But for some sick reason, I really want to prove him wrong. Need to even. Because i'm not a bad person. I just fuck up sometimes. That's all. So yea, we'll see how long that lasts. My friends are all rooting for team break-up lol Hmmm, i should probs do some homework. Hahaha yesterday i had to do a personal add for a bacterium! Like hey im a sexy salmonella....No, seriously. Like 100% legit. And people wonder why i can't take school seriously. Well better get on that...later!