"It is our worst moments that define who we really are." I am surrounded by Love..I have parents who love me unconditionally and would do anything for me. I have a circle of amazing friends who together provide the strongest support anyone could ask for. I have a boyfriend who I am deeply in love with, and will hopefully never have to part from. And though there will be pain and tears and tantrums, I pray that I never lose sight of just how lucky I am. Acceptance will always follow grief, and comfort will always follow pain...I have enough amazing people in my life to know that I will always get through. I owe everything to those special people who surround me at home, school, work, out and about....everywhere. I love you guys =] x James

Wow, it's been well over a year since I've written in here...doesn't feel like it. So much has changed... I have a new love interest-My boyfriend of 13 months. On 8th June, I discovered I was pregnant. I told James that day, we saw the doctor the next...And that was it. Last Friday,10th July, at around midnight, I had a miscarriage.I cried the whole day. The following day, I was crunched over on my bathroom floor, crying with contraction-like pains.Everything feels so surreal.. I want my baby back. I never felt such love before...Those simple things that brightened up my life-coffee, alcohol, cigarettes- Yes, it was difficult losing them. But it was worth it, and I stuck to it. Cut down on the junk food, made sure I got my five a day and calcium, protein, all that stuff. I realised, while carrying my baby-or some may prefer embryo-that I believed in love at first sight. I knew that the moment I looked at my baby, I'd be smitten. At nights, I lay in bed with arms around my tummy, and thought such beautiful thoughts...In my head, I told him or her that I loved him/her. It's funny how a tiny bunch of cells can teach you life lessons in love. It's funny how, when you really want something, you'll give up anything for it. Looks like I have to wait years for that...

T.C has been in touch again,her 6 month scan is coming up.And i cant help but feel "Why are you telling ME for? "....... No more drinking,i wont disgust songmeaning users with the whole tale,but i got caught by my mum lol. ... GCSES are real soon and i STILL havet studied... Things in general arent going tooooo bad. I almost fought with M.Mc.C yesterday though,and thats the first time there was any..kind of..coldness between us. No big deal,it was just...I hated her being mad at me.Honestly i was more afraid of losing her than anything else ive ever been afraid of.Thats pretty...amazing,how such deep friendships develop so fast-in less than two years in fact. She IS my best friend,forever.

Wow... I cried two times in school today... The first was in R.E,when i found myself sobbing uncontrollably and poor E.M beside me had to do her best to somehow comfort me without drawing attention to us.Although I dont think anyone noticed actually.I was more concerned about the mascara all down my face/hands(DAMN Barry M-waterproof my ass!) The second was during P.e...A.F noticed,I dont think she knew quite what to do either.. And aall through this,S.H and M.Mc.C dont seem to know how to act-they want to help,but.. When I talk about things,it makes me cry more. like in p.e-the tears were clearing up,until aoibheann came over and said are you okay?Which made the tears come again... I don't know what to do. I've been used,by someone I dont even know. And the one who i love(yes STILL) is so far away,and im finding out so much about him...Things I'd rather not know.

Today was...ok.I had an interesting debate with M.Mc.C today-Do you drink soup,or do you eat it?:P such is our randomness. Anyway,we came to the conclusion that if it is accompanied by some sort of bread,or is like..lumpy soup(eg veg) then it is eaten Otherwise it is drunk I only tell you this to explain this quote: (me): "I give vegetable soup a squish factor of 5" Trust me,I know thats not funny.But we were pissing ourselves laughing. Other conversation excerpts?Ok: *N.K has her hand on the top of my bra,which ive pulled up a bit so she can* N.K: "Wow,Karen,Thats really soft!"(it was silk lol)"Your boobs are lucky ladies *A.L stands at door,looking bewildered,having just entered.Looks from N.K's hand down my top to her smile-* A.L: WHAT ARE YOUS DOING?...Tell me THIS is what happens at sleepovers!(Hes a guy of course lol) M.Mc.C: Well if my headless body was outside naked,you'd have to take it home me::o What?But people will get the wrong idea! M.Mc.C: Not to your home!to MY home! me:Oh...But thats stupid,why would your headless body be out NAKED? (Yet her headless body is completely understandable) S.H: "Everyone is calling me a psycho!" Me: "The love of my life cheated on me,knocking some girl up and abandoning both of us to run off to england,since he'd just pretty much told her and his unborn child where to go." S.H: Ok you win. (The class discuss the possibility of the teacher helping us cheat on our gcse orals) Mrs.M: No girls,absolutely NOT,nothing illegal! *Whole class grumbles* me:BUT MISS,IT'LL BE OUR CLASS SECRET-IT'LL BE A BONDING EXPERIENCE! *M.H laughs hysterically,Mrs.M rolls eyes *God that Hitler one was a tricky wee bastard wasn't he?"(My terrific insights as to the reign of the Fuhrer in Germany)

OK so the whole "Lets eat healthy" idea has gone a little awry. I mean,Im eating easter egg right now Oh well. I have to use them up anyway:p Im officially out of the add maths gcse,I paid tio be withdrawn and evrything-YAY! Of course now I have to worry about that presention I have to do for llw.and the 200 oral questions and 2 page long essays that i have to LEARN for spanish and french GAH! T.C texted me today,she says shes doing fine and asked if we can hang out this weekend.I said yes.I suppose its only human kindness. Im trying to be there for people. One of my friends suspects she TOO may be pregnant(its actually rare enough to hear about young people pregnant here-I think the nation has just been in heat or something lol-Thing is,she hasnt even taken a pregnancy test,and doesnt seem at all willing to. The theres my other friend,whos aunt just died.And I just dont really know how best to be there for here,you know?I love her so much.But I cant really call her house,I dont want to intrude on the family(or her for that matter) ... I just want to be there for them,Im trying my best to help people

Those disgusting whore-bag sluts from my class have been slagging my friends off again. Thye have a cheek One is a scrawny blonde who worships paris hilton(Need I say more??) Another looks like a fucking pumpkin to be honest.Bright orange all the time.THEY ALL ARE actually.Shes such a stupid bitch,You can tell she dumbs herself down.I DONT KNOW WHY...I think she likes the attention of people laughing at her! Another,I DONT EVEN KNOW...we call her grumpy gills...Shes always giving me dirty looks.FOR NO EFFING REASON. The rest are skanks who act nice to us,but bitch-and we know it,because theyre so fucking stupid that they dont hide it well. I havent been in touch with the ex or his pegnant fling(Who i will now refer to as T.C (she does have a name afterall) sfklghdsj;bgdsangv!!!!!IM GONNA KILL SOMEONE SOON!-RED RUM!RED RUUUUUM!!! SO...at least ive got some of that out of my system.More quotes: "Ae you talking about a penis or a terry's chocolate orange?:S "(Me,to M.Mc.C, who was discussing how peni have "segments" lol) "Its a decent size"....OOoOoO...Boyfriends telling it like it is LOL "You shouldnt have done that you...stupid head!" me,to the guy who bought me BPM after a long day at school...arent i lovely?(check out my insult skills) me:(Singing along to Hot As Ice by Britney Spears)"...Make him call me mama,make him my new baby..." A.Mc.K: THATS SICK AS FUCK,WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM TO CALL YOU MAMA THEN HAVE SEX WITH HIM? me: "Well sometimes im talking to you guys and I start to imagine things...and its wong,but my mind just wonders off" M.Mc.C: "What could you be thinking of while IN SCHOOL?" S.H: She could be thinking lots!Like of a man walking across the room naked...like Im doing right now" *everyone looks concerned* If you've read all that boring garbage,youre a friend of mine,and you get a hug:D

Hes not what I thought at all He knew all along,and yet he still walked They've both lied to me now He fucked her over. He lied about it because hes a dickhead She lied because she felt guilty and ashamed of that. Im ashamed.Im ashamed that I ever let him touch me.I'm ashamed that I ever let him in. The love of my life DID know that his little fling was pregnant.And thats why he fucked off. He realised that he had just knocked her up. SO HE FUCKING LEFT DID HE EVEN CARE ABOUT HER AND THEIR UNBORN CHILD? WHAT A FUCKING DISGUSTING USELESS BASTARD! I hope I never hear from him again...

^^What my doctor said(almost joyfully)-I felt like saying,Then why the feck did you take so much blood?ITS MINE! Today wasn't so bad actually. I kinda slept in this morning,which sucked,but i got to school on time,and got to leave at 10 for that blood test!Which went ok actually.Except for the invasive questions.Though I suppose thats her job.Anyway,on the health note I'm gonna get a lot more active! SAME FOR STUDIES! Vicki says we can go to london and stay in her dads in june-YAY! I was hanging out with george for a bout 20minutes today.He bought me BPM-I made a new friend!!!:D Oh, the pregnant ex-of-my-ex hasnt been in touch.hmmm...I thought Id be ahppier about that.But im just worried and thinking,I should have been there for her more. It looks like my Ipod will never recover though=[ Quotes of the day: M.Mc.C: Eww!S.H just admitted that she gets tingly feelings in school! Me: Leave her alone!Youre just jealous! M.Mc.C: Now I want the tingly feelings... me:Just imagine Matthew Leone on your bed.WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT. "Hey!Im Irish-isn't that nice? Well,To be honest,Im a really lazy person,so I'm not gonna write anything about me here.If you know me,feel free to ask me what you want to know,and I'll be happy to let you know. N.B- Questions regarding my bra size or preferred sexual position are exempt from this policy.Also, without wanting to sound rude-If youre a paedophile,Please leave:D" -My original profile for AIM.I had to edit it a bit LOL.

The title-haha.I am a random and rare species...:P My r button won't work right. How sucky is that? So if i leave out any rs here,dont chalk that up to bad grammar.Bad typing,perhaps..But its really the laptops fault. - Point one-Missneurotic,if youre reading,i think youre pretty cool and funny hahahaa.I like your views and I like your jounal:P -- rant time: My ex-boyfriends-pregnant-one(to five)-night-stand-of-5-months-ago(what a mouth full!) continues to..communicate with me?Anyone else find that weird?"Hi!Im sorry I had sex with your boyfriend while you were still with him!But it turns out im pregnant-YAY!will you please hold my hand throughout the rest of the pregnancy?" Jeeez.I barely even know her.So why me?Its his baby,not mine.Well I should think so anyway,cuz i sure as hell didnt sleep with her! --- Maths class was so much nicer today.Mostly because,Now I've dropped it,so maths class completely lacked maths for me.I just have to sit at the back doing my own work. ---- Im terrified about these Gcses.I so think I'm gonna fail.yet i still cant quite force myself to do the work... =[ -----