From that last post i'd say most would agree. What is it that compels me to find songs with my own name in it? Why is it that most of the songs with my name in it, make me sound cold? Why is it that the songs with my name in it feel very much in comparison with who i am? If this is of any interest to you, then some Chelsea lyrics to look up: Mest Stefy The Fratellis Aww today was awfully boring. Sunday, the sabbath. Actually, Saturday was the origanal sabbath, but i'm no Jesuit.. Lets see, got sort of grounded last night for getting home too late, that means my most honored form of communication is gone, i.e. my cellphone. Tomorrow is registration for my senior year. I feel so alone with this. I am scared shitless. I'm still a child i'm still a kid, and i feel so alone and scared at heart. Shittttt, how can [I] be growing up? This is too overwhelming. Ok, quickly now, next subject. Chris went to X country camp today, so for the next 6 days there will be zero communication between the two of us, but, in the next 7 days i'll actually be able to see the dear boy. It's been a month.. a month that spent craving for his touch, a month that taught me how to miss someone. This could work? Well, based on my feeling so of this next visit i will decide if i want to continue to pursue this. Ohhhhh the dysfunctionality that comes with a long distance relationship. I always said i'd never ever endure a long distance relationship, and well, God is really making me eat my words on that one. Because now, i'm not just in this relationship but i'm in love. Shit. Love. Love. Love. Love. Shit. Oh how i enjoy talking about the subject of lovvvveee. I really am nieve, young, vulnerable. But i'd say i do farely good job at hiding all that...to an extent. Somtimes i feel i'm a little aggressive with him..hah whatta dike. He is a little sensitive though, but i am too. And that just shows he cares. Sometimes i forget what he looks like, and then other times i can't get the image of his face out of mind. Well it's extremly hot here today. My back is literally sticking to this leather chair. For anyone who has read: Portrait of an Artist of a Young Man. I commend you. I can't do it. I can't relate to this tragic elizabethan type writing, this boy seems like a pussy, and this book is going to cause me to fail AP english.

I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains. -Anne Frank I suppose that should be my outlook on life. It's not though, the constant sight of misery and despair has worn me down, and no, i have yet to seen the horrors in which Anne Frank dealt with and that makes me feel much more humble, and some how greatful that despite all of my turmoil there is still so much worse that has been and has yet to be endured. Well, today, if anything makes me want a cigarette. And it's so weird how i often crave them at the end of a bad/chaotic day, when i have never even smoked in my life. But ohhhh, how I just want to take a drag and enhale while letting the nicotine fill my lungs and allow the sudden calming effect to overwhelm me, in a sweet subtle way. Well, this morning i had plans to hang out with Nick. Mom has been such a neurotic lately though, she really is going mad and it's annoying to say the least, i really have no sympathy for it. I'm sick of dealing with all the neurotics of my family. Shall i introduce them, even though i haven't introduced myself yet. Well to be honest i don't know who i am, or who i want to, so lets just start with what i do know. Mom- A once beautiful, kind woman, who loved often, and yelled even more. She is so much more a basket case now, someone i feel is quite lacking in intelligence, and fully lacking in maturity. She over reacts, over compensates, and overwhelms. And despite how mean this sounds, well don't judge me, you don't know. If you knew you would say much meaner things than I. Moving on... Dad- Someone who doesn't quite deserve to be called brilliant. But i suppose he's a mastermind at manipulating and fooling all into thinking he really is good. In reality, he is an anger filled, alcoholic, abusive, sodomy loving man. He is a fake to my mom. He is a fake to his work. He is a fake to God. But i see past all of that. I do, i don't know why he doesn't feel the need to hide his real self around me but he doesn't, and i wish he did. I wish i didn't know the truth. Like Elliott Smith and I say, a distorted reality is a necessity for freedom. Well allll'be damned. Ain't that the truth? It is who you are is a base of what you've observed from your parents. So, so far, my future holds an immature, overreacting, enraged, alcoholic, fake. Well what a blessing. Sister- Introverted. Crazed introvert. Sociopathic. Future alcoholic. Extremely over reactive, like mom. Extremly immature, like mom. Extremly suicidal, like the rest of the world. Extremly angry and abusive like dad. She's drugged, cruel, easily angered and easily hurt. She starves, she smokes, she hates. Maybe she's more alive then me? Well, when my family is this disturbed where does that leave me you ask? Well, i like to believe i have more hope then they. But who am I to be deserving of a potentially good life? ...makes you want a fag doesn't it?

The fact that i'm now consciously aware that no one is reading this, has now if anything, given me the perrogative to write poorly, and to divulge any true feelings i may have regarding extremely personal issues. This, however, is not as liberating as you'd think it would be. I suppose you can be the first to know: I love Chris. I have no doubt in my mind that what I feel is not love, the scary thing is, what kind of love? Ohh how i want it to be true, so badly, that I fear i'll just create that illusion in my head. I feel like it's sort of a mess to be made. Because just reading other song lyrics, and hearing stories of other people's lost love and heart ache, makes me question my belief that he is my soul mate; despite my lack of believing in the true exsistence of a literal soul mate to an extent. But now, i hear these stories of how so many people have thought that, and now i feel that i'm slightly deluded and severly blinded to the fact that this love could be everything but true, and it worries me because a distorted reality is a necessity to be free. (yes, that is the name of the ever popular Elliott Smith song) but i suppose, that truth is an even better reality, however, a distorted reality hurts so much less then the truth. i think that by the way i feel now, i really wont be able to handle the truth when the time comes. i feel like i will be lost without his love. Or lost without the idea of love? i think it's too soon for me to be thinking about all of this now anyways. MY first love though, i really hope he knows how much that effects me. i try and keep my cool around him but i swear he sees right through me. He is everything i ever wanted and sometimes less, and sometimes more, but what's so great is that the things that are less, well that's ok. because i love him despite those imperfections that i never thought i would like. And he suprises me by being someone so much more then i ever thought exsisted. You know, my dad really destroyed my perception of man. My dad, has forced me to believe that all men seem good on the outside, but in reality are pigs. Well Chris, you have destroyed that stereotype, and at the same time you have saved me from being a bitter, lonely, old lady. That rescue i don't think will ever be something you'll know you accomplished, but despite that i appreciate you all the same. You make me a better person, you know, you really do. But oh, how i miss you. And i really believe that will be the demise of our love. But who am I to not trust God's plan? For all i know the distance will be the one thing that keeps us together. Lord, i pray, i can continue to put my full faith in You. I think writing in this will be a greater form of release then i realize. I finally have a place to put all of my bottled up feelings, now it's just whether or not i'll be able to release them.

Well, this is new. Blogs usuallly don't last too long for me, i guess it's the whole "sharing my secrets with the world" thing, idk. Not that i have much to hide, i just often find that people who decant their feelings on the internet, are possibly narcissistic. But, then again, that doesn't say much about me, does it? And i really have read some blogs that have been extremly entertaining, from people who really are quite brilliant. I once read a Janitors blog, and he really was a brilliant man. It wasn't sad though, only ironic, in a way. I personally crave brilliance. Not that I, myself, am anything above ordinary. But to talk with a person who has that luminous quality is, almost, intimidating to say the least. I often find myself craving it so much, that i search the internet, for the littlest speck of something radical, something uniquely profound. I guess, it's just my attempt to find something more. I suppose, everyone's quest in life is to find something more then what they have at that time. I suppose that's why socialism leaves no room for motivation, idk. Should I introduce myself? I'm not sure. I fear that if i make this too long, no one will read it. At the same time though, my expectations of anyone reading this is fractionally low. So, if you do happen to come across this, and really are reading then, that greatly pleases me. Nonetheless, if you have anything brilliant to share then please, i would be obliged to know. And now, i will leave this first blog at that. Thank you.