let me out let me out let me out. im drowning. i used to never even have to hold my breath. im drowning, drowning, drowning. im sinking. im floating. im heavy. im a cannonball. im a bird. im a flicker of light. im hope. im despair. im hurt and anger. im love and security. im lost im lost im confused. im dead. im barely living. im a breath. im a storm. im a disaster. im human. im barely human. im manic. im hurt. im vindicated. im vindictive. im crying out. im holding it all inside. im begging. im pleading. im bleeding. im sore. im a rock. im a castle in the sand. im the antichrist im the bride of christ. im peace im love im blind im a serpant im a seraphim im deaf im mute im posessed im exorcised. i see. i hear. im clean. im sober. im angry. im hungry. im dirty. im reconciled. im sinful im sinless. im faith. im fruit. im root. im a sheep. im a wolf. im a fallen angel. im the light at the end of the tunnel. la bella vita. le'chaim. the life. life. what life?

i have a fat migraine. i've tolerated it quite well i must say. I'm often very welcoming to pain inflicted upon my body, but to my dismay this pain is a constant penetrating force that has failed to cease. The title of this is not realted to anything at all. It's Tolstoy for anyone who is interested. The greatest Russian writer of prose fiction. I drew. I drew again last night. I haven't in quite a while. I only think i draw good when i'm under the influence of something or at church. (some sort of creative balance..or lack of?) whywhywhywhywhy? why what? idk. i have no why, i have no what. I crave, I crave, I crave...the dreams really are the worst. I used to think I slept with my eyes open therefore, closer to reality, but I think the real reality is i sleep with my eyes open to keep from dreaming. Sleep is the loneliest thing to me. Youre guranteed to be alone when you sleep, alone to feel, alone to think, alone to relive the worst and best moments.. its all too real and awfully terrifying. I take far too long of drags on my ciggarettes. Still abstaining from smoking. Although its not illegal nor do i think it's wrong i'm still trying to steer clear of it. 1 cor. 10:23 anyone? Not all things legal are expedient. HAH..People always used to ask me why i smoke so fast, and really thought i was so cool. i still really think i am so cool. not really. but my response would always be, "i don't smoke to be social like you guys, i smoke to die." How awfully cryptic and mysterious is that? I'm such an idiot. How ever no one ever knew i actually got that from a book. No one ever reads anymore. Its a pity pity pity. verse. 2 Corinthians 2:14-16 But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task?

The world really does make fools of believers. Last night there were these two guys with signs proclaiming in short, "Jesus IS Lord." -1John? And He gave me a card and so pretentiously assumed i was going to hell. I told him i was going to Bible College. A lie, yes. But i do have enough scriptural knowledge to actually go, and I sort of just wanted to put him in his place. Anyways, he then went on to say, "so you know you have a place in heaven then." Well ya I DO know. but i don't need you saving me that place, or telling me, or even condemning me to either heaven or hell. I really don't know why i get so mad at insignificant Christian "zealots?" maybe i'm jealous? Maybe because i have so little faith in humanity, including the humanity of Christians that i know they are probably just as sick as i am. And you know what, the reality is why don't they DISCUSS Christianity instead of parading around with signs and passing out little pieces of paper. Because any true marketer would know that this is certaintly not a way to "sell your product" and ultimately they need to realize that, Jesus DOESN'T need to be sold. He is. Whether or not you, or I, or the next person believes He's still Perfect, He still died on that cross. Enough with this rant. I swear I think I had work at ten. Shit, idk and nor do I feel like calling. And why don't they just automatically make "I" capitalized? I'm tired of hitting "shift I" just to personalize the letter "I" maybe that means i'm talking to much about myself? It's still early yet, and I just woke up, therefore nothing has happened and hence a very futile un entertaining blog, I apologize for this. I wonder if You reading this have any questions for me? I wonder if it's too much for me to assume somebody is actually reading this. And if You are. I assure you, I am reading yours too. I've definitely been feeling all too alone in my head. Too many thoughts, ideas, theories, and concepts. I'm a beautiful disaster. I know too much, think too much, feel to little. I don't know who I am, who I want to be, where I want to go. But it doesn't matter does it? I'd like to think it doesn't matter because ultimately i'm here to "glorify God" therefore it doesn't matter where I go, or who I am as long as i'm in perfect pursuit of Him. In reality, i'm so little of faith to accept this. To be ok with any of that. Hopefully God will restore this faith in me one day. I hope you reading this have felt the Joy of the Lord? I know how incredibly weird this may sound especially to an unbeliever. I have probably more unbelieving friends then believing ones. People often assume i'm "dumb" to believe. But i do question and wonder if my prayers are in vain. But then the Lord just does this incredible thing, almost a "glimpse of the real" and i know Him, and i see Him, and feel Him. And i know this is God. This is Him is all His Glory. And I worship, i do. And He is beautiful, and i'm the disaster. But He gives me beauty, He gives me light. All that I am that is in me, is Him. This would only be true if i was completely surrendered to Him, we both no this isn't true. Satan has won too many battles, compromised to many situations. But yet, i return to Him, on bended knee, pleading for His love to succumb me, because i haven't felt love in so long. haven't felt comfortable in so long, forgives me everytime, restores me. I think we all in the back of our minds don't want a "father in heaven" but more so a, "grandfather in heaven" some senile, benevolent old man that we can sneak candy from (or whatever paralell temptation we may have) and at the end of the day He says, "well everyone atleast had fun, right?" a God of Love doesn't imply a God of Kindness. Love is almost as hard a concept to grasp as God, Himself. Love is a stream of emotion never constant, always changing but simply including kindness, and anger, and the occasional benevolence, and every emotion in between. This is God. Everlasting. Never ending. Reliable. Furthermore, Love. Whatever that is. His love unlike most love, isn't an illusion. Isn't a mere manifestation of "feeling." Feeling is far from consistant. Well this was. my apologies really, hopefully you enjoyed a little theology, some heart, maybe a "glimpse of the real?" A verse. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. - 1John 4:16-19

drugs drugs drugs.. sobriety is kicking my ass. i crave, dream, lust, yearn for any psychotropic substance. yes, i am sick. i didnt even have a ciggarette today. i went to the hookah bar which of course is only bomb to me because i get atleast some sort of nicotine kick. met some guys, like always which is generally why the hookah bar is so appealing. meet guys. listen to them play guitar. smoke with them. leave. easily done, no strings attached. my kind of night. i met a really cute guy tonight, one of those times i where "no strings attached" is a sucky thing.. he wasn't my style anyways. blahblahblah i'm laying in bed. hot and sweaty but not in the sexy way, trying to keep myself from thinking. my problem is i think to much, and thats when the urgent desire for substance becomes unbearable. the heart, mind, body, soul is a tricky thing. each bearing more weight then i'd like. i wish i didn't feel so much, think so much, want so much..i'm sorry my thoughts are so scatted, and if youre reading this i'm sorry i didn't indent, i'll work on that. something of interest, worthy to say? blew off another person tonight, i'm actually starting to feel bad for all the people i "love and leave," "use and abuse" whichever cliche phrase you'd like. i'm aces when it comes to manipulation, always getting what i want, never really knowing what i want. it's so primal, the very reason why social darwinism thrives. i'm hungry, i go and go and go but always forget to eat. its such an subconscious thought process or lack of a thought process for me. i never think, "ok i need to eat to live, grab a bite" and i always find myself in bed realizing i'm actually fucking hungry! wtf. does anyone know anything about moral relativism? im struggling with this concept seeing as it has too many flaws. blahblahblah everything theory, organized system, hell even ethreal life force is fucking flawed. how about a little consistancy, how about me not being so disapointed in things? if you think i'm sick, i know. feel free to save me. Jesus died on a cross for me, but it wasn't really effective.. and i'm probably going to hell for my sarcasm, and someone once told me, "youre probably going to hell for all the people you stepped on to get to heaven" which is eery but contains a solid amount of truth. And so it is.. “And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you thrive like a plant in the field; and you grew, matured, and became very beautiful. " -Ezekiel 16:6-7

So i've had awfully boring day. Apparently so, seeing how this is my third blog entry. I hate that boredom and sobriety are symbiotic in my mind. I really wish I had some conviction against the drugs i use, and so often abuse.. but i don't, and i fail to see whats wrong with my current use. other then the fact that i am blaspheming the hell out of my relationship with God. Which i recognize and am, furthermore, attempting to sober up. and i must say i've done quite well. despite the fact that i've been severely bored, probably why my mind keep coming back to the idea of "death." I haven't been working very much either so i'm sure that's no help. But i did, yes i did clean my room and bathroom today! i have far too many inhibtions, all usually succumbed to a high. i read today, but i acutally didn't i'd like to say i did, seeing how i checked out 5 of the fattest books i could find from the library yesterday. maybe its the way there all stacked up, really intimidating like. I want to find a book like Clockwork Orange. I could relate to the oppression and lack of freedom of choice. Thats what i don't understand, nor do i think i ever will understand, if i am Free in Christ (Gal 4:7?) i'm sure there's more, better scriptural references but this one is off the top of my head, and if we such freedom comes from Christ, then why do i feel oppressed by His law, and thus so far from freedom? striving to be not free, but perfect in Christ. Which I AM NOT. Anyways i'm pretty sure this sobriety will bare fruit, however thats a lie, i'm actually not so sure seeing how my heart really is in it. I'm HOPING though that if my heart is IN the Word then ultimately my heart will be in the process of this whole freeing myself from sin. Crap i had ment to indent this and spread it out with spaces as to make it more attractive to read, too bad i got caught up in my incredible vocabulary and word structure to actually think of making the space. Here's a fact though, i'm so hot and sweaty, thank you california sun.. and i should be showering before i go to these concerts tonight, but i feel like it will probably be crappy music thus they do not deserve me smelling of ralph lauren nor freashly shaven legs. yes, vulgar i know, but i'm a natural blonde so i say its not such a bad deal. another verse? “I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws.”- Psalm 119:7 yeah i'm looking to be healed.. crap ;)

and you know, i wish i spent more time talking about Christ. where i was in my walk. was the Lord as real, or un real as he is to me now...although he is completely real and absolutely fake to me right. Jesus. give me truth. give me life. give me drugs.. sorry if there are an excessive amount of typos im actually typing with my head down because mt neck is tired on sitting on my shoulders probably because my head is so heavy trust me not from any pride i have. im really actually humble possilby this is a result of low self esteem..ive given up any hope of using grammar however this will bug me beyond belief later, i dont feel like lifitng me head..hahahaahah well i havent smoked weed in a few days. thta sounds tooooo good, got a new bible yesterday though. 50bucks wtf? seriously...and peta much be having a fit with us Christians because most bibles (including mine) is made of genuine leather. sicksicksick. why does dying always sound so sweet to me? tahts really what i'd like to know. im not depressed nor am i self mutilating i wish i was though maybe im too lazy though? or i love hurt..idk but im tired of explaining it and justifying it to myself. please pray for me? ok heads up now. also upon reading my entries from the previous year i realize i said the word "pussy" a little too much. i much prefer the word "cunt" now. kidding. but really, using an anatomical word as dirrogatory i know i spelt that wrong.. let alone an anatomical part in which i contain, it incredibly rediculous. stupid really. aww the vulgarity... ive been reading a lot of tolstoy, somehting about russian authors i just love. maybe its the whole brothel, socialism, lenin thing that just really tempts my inner being. and im craving a tattoo and possibly another piericing. what and where idk. definitely more teenage angst. and im thinking a literal vacation would be nice. maybe sanfransisco? beauty is awfully sad there though. and i have plenty of thoughts about boys, but honesty to even waste space on here or attempting to find the words for my desperation is all too pathetic and worthless so i'll leave it be for now. and i'd like to end this with a verse (from my new bible of course) and i only had to buy a new bible because the dirty mexicans at the carwash stole it, they BETTER be saved by His grace and love because of that! who am i? .... anyways a verse. also because im looking in the book of philippians right now, i met a guy last week who had a tattoo of a verse in hebrew, and it was ALLL to wrong, people are idiots. he even quoted the scripture wrong.. pfkpkfefewewfkds';kaqA NO COMMENT. "Yet indeed i count all things loss for the excellance of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom i have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ" -phil. 3:8 dumb question, was king james british? someone please get back to me on this. and another thing i had to say, quite funny really, but i cant remember so i guess we'll save it for another day.. Be Blessed!

I laugh realizing how sick i really am. possibly even disturbed? reading back on my futile life as a blogger from a year ago has been rather amusing. First love ended abruptly months ago, Thank God! And i guess i can't say i'm suprised that i incessantly smoke? however i wasn't aware of the malicious cravings i once suffered. Life's dealings are funny and so awfully condescending and borderline pretentious. I find that despite all the hurt and pain that has consumed my life at the end of the day i laugh at how seemingly insignificant and ultimately unreal it all is. I am extremely manic though, so check back with me in a few days and i assure you i'll pleading with the Lord to give me death because life is far too negate for me to even consider living one more day. i digress, i really do. possibly even far too much. too many reprieves and mental vacations to many acid trips and ecstasy highs. life in this world is all too disgusting. i prefer the life of a religious zealot dreaming of heaven; harmonious trumpets and delicate cherubs perusing cotton-candy like cumulus clouds. if not that then of course it's absolute dichtomic opposite, a realm where light shows fascinate and the serotonin in my brain depletes any possibility of me finding happiness for the next few days. give me something, give me anything, as long as i don't feel.

well, turns out the new boy is a creep so i'm over it. i like to think it just worked out that way, because i'm meant to be with Chris?..yeah, i'll stick to that reason for now. Well, it's sort of a bummer that my flight leaves tomorrow to see Chris but i have to stay one more night away from him, and it seems like that one night will be the one night that will really tear me apart worse then all the other nights. ironic. well, i got in a shit load of trouble this week. and in all honesty i'm feeling extremly lazy. extremly dull. extremly lacking in wittyness/creativity. so writing in this blog is doing more harm then good. God bless, and may everything that transpires while i'm on my trip go according to the Lord's plan, whom i trust in with my life, my everything.

hah, i am neurotic. i always wondered since my family are literal sociopaths, how that would effect me? i must be crazy to some extent as a result right? well yeah, i am, and i finally just figured out how. BOYS. hah. i think i crave the love of boys because i can't find in my father, or my family to be any less specific. i love em' and leave em' well, i do love chris. but then there this new boy i just met, and well... he's great in so many other ways. besides his over use of the word - babe. he's really quite witty, and i love a boy with wit. a boy that can keep up with my sarcasm and charm. ;) well, here i am thinking Chris is my number one, my true love, thinking that i couldn't leave with out him, well..maybe i can. and it's funny how a new love interest opens up your mind to how much you truly do care about a person. and now i see that i really am young, nieve, and immature when it comes to love. and well, that's a pretty sucky relization. i'm not sure if i still want to tell chris i love him when i see him. i don't want to regret saying it, most importantly though, i don't want to say it, and then get into deep with him and hurt him. He is the only boy that has ever made me so nervous i couldn't breathe, he's the only boy who ever bought a book for, he is the one boy that i truly care for more then anything...well if that's true, then i why am i here, thinking about this other boy? his not so great counterpart. Well the thing is, this boy lives here. no distance to seperate us. this boy, is strong, and manly, and witty. this boy is funny, and keeps me fighting for him. and Chris, well, he's an easy mark. crapppp. 3 words to describe myself. Cold. Hard. Bitch. And this situation reminds me so much of a song, that just so happens to be named after me: I thought you were the one But I was wrong cause you've already left And I hope that you miss me tonight Chelsea And I hope that you miss me tonight Chelsea A year ago we met And I never would've guessed That you'd mean so much to me But those brown eyes drove me crazy And at the time everything was going wrong But you made everything seem alright So now I wonder where you are On this cold November night I thought you were the one But I was wrong cause you already left And I hope that you miss me tonight Chelsea And I hope that you miss me tonight Chelsea I had to leave that night Cause I knew something wasn't right We held eachother as the night came to an end But all I could think about was your boyfriend If he only knew the things that you've done and said And that you were lying here with me in this bed Because I live so far away Is why you chose him that day I thought you were the one But I was wrong cause you already left And I hope that you miss me tonight Chelsea And I hope that you miss me tonight Chelsea Tonight I don't know where you are But I know where you should be So here I am all alone When you should be with me Chelsea This is how i feel, about Chris. I will only choose Corey over Chris, because the distance is too much for me. It tests my heart enough as it is.. =/

From that last post i'd say most would agree. What is it that compels me to find songs with my own name in it? Why is it that most of the songs with my name in it, make me sound cold? Why is it that the songs with my name in it feel very much in comparison with who i am? If this is of any interest to you, then some Chelsea lyrics to look up: Mest Stefy The Fratellis Aww today was awfully boring. Sunday, the sabbath. Actually, Saturday was the origanal sabbath, but i'm no Jesuit.. Lets see, got sort of grounded last night for getting home too late, that means my most honored form of communication is gone, i.e. my cellphone. Tomorrow is registration for my senior year. I feel so alone with this. I am scared shitless. I'm still a child i'm still a kid, and i feel so alone and scared at heart. Shittttt, how can [I] be growing up? This is too overwhelming. Ok, quickly now, next subject. Chris went to X country camp today, so for the next 6 days there will be zero communication between the two of us, but, in the next 7 days i'll actually be able to see the dear boy. It's been a month.. a month that spent craving for his touch, a month that taught me how to miss someone. This could work? Well, based on my feeling so of this next visit i will decide if i want to continue to pursue this. Ohhhhh the dysfunctionality that comes with a long distance relationship. I always said i'd never ever endure a long distance relationship, and well, God is really making me eat my words on that one. Because now, i'm not just in this relationship but i'm in love. Shit. Love. Love. Love. Love. Shit. Oh how i enjoy talking about the subject of lovvvveee. I really am nieve, young, vulnerable. But i'd say i do farely good job at hiding all that...to an extent. Somtimes i feel i'm a little aggressive with him..hah whatta dike. He is a little sensitive though, but i am too. And that just shows he cares. Sometimes i forget what he looks like, and then other times i can't get the image of his face out of mind. Well it's extremly hot here today. My back is literally sticking to this leather chair. For anyone who has read: Portrait of an Artist of a Young Man. I commend you. I can't do it. I can't relate to this tragic elizabethan type writing, this boy seems like a pussy, and this book is going to cause me to fail AP english.