i am officially a college girl and im liking it alot! things are crazy tho..i have never wished that i had moved out in my entire life!!!!! all i want is to be on my own so that my mom isn't always checking up on me or always trying to know what i'm doing. Life would be sweet!! let's talk about boys...DRAMA! i started talking to this one guy from one of my classes and he is very very cute...one problem tho...he only likes girls who sleep with him. great...this of course caused so much drama between us. at first (before he knew i was a virgin) he called me everynight and we talked alot and i met up with him at parties..but i finally told him my lifestyle about wanting to remain a virgin until marriage and he totally freaked out. He said that he couldn't be with someone who was like that and he thought it was elementary. so i basically told him my reasons that its more of a respect issue for me and after that..he said that he was really impressed and that he respects my decision, which is all i wanted from him. Now we're cool and we just talk as friends which i'm happy with. I think that he thinks its hard for him to just be friends tho cuz he's really kinda perverted...but i don't mind a guy wanting me haha. thats kinda mean. but who knows...i guess my goal is to just make him jealous as hell that virgins can still be sexy!!! bitch haha. we will have to see ...remember that other guy who i prettty much have talked nonstop about?...yea, still on my mind...isn't that weird??? We're actually just really good friends and we talk alot about everything...and we even have discussed hanging out and partying together which is cool by me. but every fuckin time i hear colbie caillat's "Realize"....i just can't get him out of my head. for some fuckin reason...i feel deep in my heart that we're gonna be together someday...not necessarily marriage or anything that serious...but i just feel like we fit...idk. its so ridiculous. life is such a persistent mystery Take time to realize That your warmth is crashing down on in Take time to Realize That I am on your side Didn’t I, didn’t I tell you But I cant spell it out for you No its never gonna be that simple No I cant spell it out for you If you just realize, what I just realized Then we’d be perfect for each other and we’d never find another Just realize what I just realized, we’d never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now Take time to realize Just try to change your mind It could be, you and me, maybe Take time to realize Oh……its been awhile Since you made up your mind, baby Well I cant spell it out for you No its never gonna be that simple No I cant spell it out for you If you just realize, what I just realized Then we’d be perfect for each other and we’d never find another Just realize what I just realized, we’d never have to wonder if we missed out on each other but….. Its not the same, no its never the same If you don’t feel it too If you meet me half way If you would meet me half way It could be the same for you

i am so fed up with my life right now. i can't stand the way i am living. i'm not close with my family at all, which makes things soo hard and i have no idea what lies in my future, and all i want in this world is to know the truth! I'm so sick of being sheltered. i just want to get out and move to my dream place and live my own life the way i want to. Everything just seems hopeless and it feels like i don't want to even live anymore. don't worry, i'm not suicidal or anything but i'm just sooooooo frustrated! First of all, my mom and sister are completely against me. Everything i do, is considered "wrong," "bitchy" or immature to them. They never sincerely consider my feelings about things and they automatically think that are superior to everybody because they "believe in God." Don't get me wrong, i'm catholic and believe in my faith, but i feel that they both of them use their beliefs to turn things around in order to get their way. They're always saying shit like how i can never cut my short because it would be "sinful" to not stay with a hairstyle that looks BEST on me...because if i were to change that BEST hairstyle, then i would be offending God by not looking my best for him at all times. R U FUCKIN SERIOUS?! i swear they just make shit up to control my life and what i want to do with it. And they think they are sooooo right about everything...to the point that they are extremely arrogant, which i'm sure is against the church too. I'm just soooo sick of their shit. I may grow up and look back and believe i was just being an immature bitch and they had a good point, but right now i'm just so overwhelmed with their fuckin minds. I'm also stressed with college b/c i don't kno how things are going to work out with my switching schools n stuff. So thats another thing on my mind. I feel like my friends r backin away from me too :( i know i've already lost one of my best friends from high school b/c she turned gay and doesn't talk to me anymore. Its like, all of sudden, she doesnt have a care in the world for me and wouldn't feel bad about our friendship dropping. I don't care that she's gay...its against my religion but i don't tell other people how to live their lives. Its just that she can never speak to me again and wouldn't feel bad at all. My other best friend and i seem to not have much in common anymore. We really are two peas in a pod but when we talked on the phone today, it just seemed different and we weren't talkin as best friends, but as..i don't know. I'm sure once we get together, we'll bond again but it just feels awkward. She's seriously my most dear friend and i can't lose her ! maybe i'm over-reacting. And my other best friend hasn't called me in a while. I kno that i just got back from vacation but i seriously doubt she thought of me at all. She has a new boyfriend which is totally cool cuz he's sooo sweet, but we've gotten so close this summer and it feels like she can easily blow me off. And another thing that i feel terrible about is that my third very good friend would do anything to keep me happy, but i kno i haven't done my share of the friendship mending. On top of all this shit, i still am having the weirdest non-existent love life right now. I can't get my mind off that certain someone. This is soooo whack! what the fuck does this mean?? I've talked to him for only a year but i've had a crush on him for 2 years. But of course, i've had a few crushes n stuff in between, but i always seemed to keep him in the back of my mind and more than ever, i just want to know what he's feeling. I want him to feel comfortable with talking to me about personal stuff and i want him to share his dreams with me. I want him to know that i think he's such a mystery to me...don't kno if thats a good thing or a bad thing but whatever. But furthermore, that mystery is what keeps me interested. It makes me want to know even more about his thoughts and his desires. wow, now i'm starting to sound creepy. Nothing weird! i promise! just revealing some thoughts goin on in my head. So yes, i have alot on my mind right now. I just wish i can move away to New York City and start all over. but u can't just runaway whenever u have problems in your life. Just gotta keep on living. I better go to bed cuz i'm beat. Got to go to work blah!!!!!!! then i need to work out cuz i'm getting fatter by the minute. thats another great thing thats screwin up my life. Friday i'm goin with some friends to get tattoos..haha should be fun. I think i might get one too but i would be murdered if my family found out. so i better wait till i move out so it can truly be my own life. but who knows...maybe i'll be in my usual rebellious mood and get it anyway. we'll see :) good night world! hopefully tomorrow will be better..."after all, tomorrow is another day!" (Gone With the Wind)

omg i don't know what to do!!! i canNOT stop thinking about this guy...but i can't tell if its because I love him or that he's just on my mind out of obession. NIGHT AND DAY...EVERY SINGLE DAY...i can't stop thinking about him! and its good stuff too...like the good times we've had in the past. i feel like he doesn't care about me tho. i hasn't imed me at all when i've been on. he did this one time but i wasn't at my computer so i don't know if he thought i was ignoring him or what. ever since then, he hasn't imed me at all...maybe he's waiting for me to take the initiative. hmmm. don't know. I HATE NOT KNOWING! I've been talkin to my friend about him and it makes me think that he doesn't want a g/f at all. like, he's been single all this time and maybe just enjoyin his freedom. He told me that he regrets his last relationship because he would spend all of his time with her and not his friends..but he wished he had been with his friends more. so maybe that's what he's doin...its not personal or against me...he just wants to do his own thing. it sucks tho cuz he isn't even talkin to me as a friend. he knows that we're friends :( i'm not gonna lie...he could have picked up the vibes that i am completely in love with him.....there, i said it. i love him. why am i wasting me life!?!?! This can't be love...i have no idea what love is. I've never been truly in love. nope, don't love him (hope he's not reading this). I've always like guys alot but never this long and i've never thought of anyone this much. :( please God, help me get over him

i need to find a song that means....i can't stop thinking about you but at the same time, i hate ur fuckin guts for treating me this way... that would be great

why r boys soooo confusing? ok...so i get to work and my crush hardly takes any action. is he intimidated by me or something cuz i've been told that i can look stand-offish when i'm in a serious mode. But i'm really not mad at all..that's just the expression on my face. Damn it...i just want him to like me. i"m pretty sure he thinks i'm attractive cuz of what happened last friday. BUt that shit doesn't matter! Something interesting happened the other day. HIs girlfriend came in to talk to him about something...but i didn't hear what they were saying. And i just felt that they were talking about something serious...like they were near of the edge of breaking up or something. (total random observation) And today...he didn't seem himself. Like he was down about something, which could be another reason why he wasn't really noticing me (if he's even interested). i don't know. I hate this part of the process...starting the damn relationship; if there is going to be one. well this is to all u boys out there.....WHY R U SOOOO DAMN CONFUSING?? jk that's what makes u guys so adorable :) You Do you remember me like I remember you Do you spend your life going back in your mind to the time Coz I I walk the streets alone I hear people my own and everyone can see that I real fair and I'm going for her thinking about you was somebody else Somebody wants you Somebody needs you Somebody dreams about you every single night Somebody can't breathe without you it's lonely Somebody holds I won't think you will see That somebody's me That somebody's me How How did we go wrong It was so good and now it's gone Then I pray at night that our passing will cross what we had is a lost Coz you're always you're here in my lost Somebody wants you Somebody needs you Somebody dreams about you every single night Somebody can't breathe without you it's lonely Somebody holds at someday you will see That somebody's me oh yeah You'll always be in my life Even if I'm not in your life It's in my memory Now when you remember me And before you set me free Oh listen please Somebody wants you Somebody needs you Somebody dreams about you every single night Somebody can't breathe without you it's lonely Somebody holds that someday you will see That somebody's me (yeaaheeyeeh) Somebody's me Somebody's me Somebody's me

Today my family is coming over to celebrate me and my cousin's graduation from high school. woo hoo! Should be a good day...great food and just chilling around like bums haha. Okay so the weekend was a good success! I told my mom that i wanted to get food from work because i knew a certain someone would be working. So i slipped on an adorable casual tang top and some shorts and headed over to the carryout counter. Of course, i stood there for a long time on purpose to make sure that he would see me while working. And boo yea!!!! he glanced over and walked passed me twice. And it was the type of passing where he didn't really need to, but he did anyway to do some checking out. Now i am supposed to work with him in the next couple days so we'll just have to see if my plan did really work. I know! I'm a dork but i like to take things slow. i believe that its better to take the longer road to a relationship by finding someone who is really worth it. I want to make sure that he likes me for me and not just by appearances or first impressions. Although those do help. Well, i'm off...i just received a couple of sweet quote books for graduation and i'll write a couple down later. I'm so nerdy but i love reading inspiring words of wisdom and picking one that relates to my life story and a current life crisis. Is there anyone out there who doesn't think i'm totally crazy??

lol just found out that a man i was checkin out has a girlfriend. nice timing haha. honestly, i don't care whether or not he's taken. People break up. I know that's cruel but i hate letting things go so easily. She's pretty cute...not much else to say. I don't know anything else about her so i can't say anything. I'm not too sad or mad about it suprisingly...is that just confidence in myself or do i just not care that much about him? You always try to imagine yourself being with someone and it can be easy...mostly if u have already had a conversation with them. BUt i don't know...i'm not sure what to think. Could that be a sign? Who the fuck knows? All i kno is that i'm not worried about it. I guess that's all that counts whether i really do like him or not. Isn't life so interesting?? Anything can happen! I just can't wait to go to bed and wake up the next day to see what happens. I hope that everyone could feel that way. It's so sad how some people don't want to be in this world anymore when there is a purpose for their existence. You just have to figure out what that is. IN the meantime...ENJOY LIFE WHILE YOU CAN! :)

ahhhh...just sitting on the front porch listening to some tunes :) it's pretty damn chilly tho. ah well. ok i am so fucking pissed. My friend and i went to my work to check out this sexy server...and he wasn't there! fuck it! lol ah well. I'll see him sometime. I'm such a fuckin worryer. that's all i do when it comes to certain people. Its so stupid tho...i just want to be freakin over it. Tomorrow my buddy and i are working out. I can't wait cuz playing sports is a good way to get out my anger. Just slam the ball in someone's face. Haha i'm not that mean. Now that i think about it...isn't life great tho?! all you need is yourself and maybe one of your best buds...and there you go. Just LIVE LIFE! "4ever" Here we are so what you gonna do? Do I gotta spell it out for you? I can see that you got other plans for tonight But I don’t really care Size me up you know I beat the best Tick tock no time to rest Let them say what their gonna say But tonight I just don’t really care Come on baby we ain’t gonna live 4ever Let me show you all the things that we could do You know you wanna be together And I wanna spend the night with you Yeah, yeah with you, yeah, yeah Come with me tonight We could make the night last 4ever I’ve seen it all I’ve got nothing to prove Come on baby just make your move Follow me lets leave it all behind tonight Like we just don’t care Let me take you on the ride of your life That’s what I said alright They can say what they wanna say Cause tonight I just don’t even care Come on baby we ain’t gonna live 4ever Let me show you all the things that we could do You know you wanna be together And I wanna spend the night with you Yeah, yeah with you yeah, yeah Come with me tonight We could make the night last 4ever Lets pretend you’re mine We could just pretend, we could just pretend, yeah yeah You got what I like You got what I like, I got what you like Oh come on Just one taste and you’ll want more So tell me what your waiting for Come on baby we ain’t gonna live 4ever Let me show you all the things that we could do You know you wanna be together And I wanna spend the night with you Yeah, yeah, with you, yeah, yeah So come with me tonight We could make the night last 4ever Come on baby we ain’t gonna live 4ever Let me show you all the things that we could do You know you wanna be together And I wanna spend the night with you Yeah, yeah with you, yeah, yeah Come with me tonight We could make the night last 4ever

yea so i really feel bad for calling him a dick. I kno it's not nice but i guess that's what people do when they are upset and need to vent. It is so weird because i'm totally fine during the day. I feel perfectly content. It's just at night where it gets kinda depressing. Probably because that's when i would talk to him...at night online for hours and hours. Whatever. I need to get out. Tonight, my best friend and I are going out to eat where i work to check out this new hottie :) You know what's crazy??...this new guy reminds me alot of the old one, which is prolly why i'm attracted to him. Ah well...WHATEVER! i just need to move on. I don't want to be like my sister who is still moping around after a whole year! I would rather be single and proud of it rather than trying to get someone who doesn't even appreciate my qualities. Da Da Da Da The smell of your skin lingers on me now Your probably on your flight back to your home town I need some shelter of my own protection baby To be with myself and center clarity Peace, Serenity I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you It's personal, Myself and I We've got some straightenin' out to do And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket But I’ve got to get a move on with my life Its time to be a big girl now And big girls don't cry Don't cry Don't cry Don't cry The path that I'm walking I must go alone I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown, full grown Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to with you It's personal, Myself and I We've got some straightenin' out to do And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket But I've got to get a move on with my life Its time to be a big girl now And big girls don't cry Like the little school mate in the school yard We'll play jacks and uno cards Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine Yes you can hold my hand if you want to Cause I want to hold yours too Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds But its time for me to go home Its getting late, dark outside I need to be with myself and center clarity Peace, Serenity I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you It's personal, Myself and I We've got some straightenin' out to do And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket But I've got to get a move on with my life Its time to be a big girl now And big girls don't cry Don't cry Don't cry Don't cry La Da Da Da Da Da

god i really hate this particular person. why is he just a dick??? has anyone ever made you feel inferior?? that's definitely not a good thing. You think you're a good person and you live by your word/faith...then he thinks you're an idiot for not knowing of certain things and it all of a sudden makes you the loser. i don't know why i'm even worrying about it cuz its not even worth my time and energy...i guess you can't help but feel down when someone really does put you down. "Worrying is like a rocking chair...it gives you something to do but it gets you no where." who fucking cares about the dick! i guess time and a little distraction should help me get over him. I kind of have another love interest :) he's quite a bit older but who the fuck cares. i like them older so then they have more maturity (hopefully). don't worry...he's not like forty or anything...he's just about 6 years older. that's not bad right?? i can't wait to meet some new men in college. I'm so sick of most of the people around me. Don't get me wrong, i love my old friends but i guess that i mean some new boys. listen to me, this is ridiculous! I want to talk about New York city :) :) :) THat is my true home. I miss it soo much too. When i was there 2 years ago, i just felt that it was home no matter where i was. Let's just hope that when i move there that i don't get raped or anything. well that's all for tonight. Good night!