i backed my car into a cop car the other day well he just drove off, sometimes life's okay. i ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say? well you just laughed it off, it was all okay... don't you worry. i'm back. and i'm having the time of my life. i decided to take a break from the world last week when i was in florida.. totally worth it. i turned my phone off, didn't take the laptop, and had the greatest, most relaxing time. anyway, i've been back for 2 days now. he says he misses me. and wants to see me. i'm gonna make him wait. make him beg. it's nice to have control. i sound like a freak. whatever. tell me you don't want control. you don't want someone to beg for you. i've been thinking... some people are quiet whores. but it takes one to know one.

Other people turn around and laugh at you if you said that these are the best days of our lives... yeaaaaahhh. i've never felt more detached from someone than i do now. but then there's A out of nowhere. we keep asking ourselves if we're really strong enough. strong enough to leave. or strong enough to stay. where we are. not changing. make time stand still. there's no such thing as eternity. and are we brave enough to face ourselves? stand in the mirror and look ourselves in the eye? would you do it? can you do it without crying? i don't wanna go away. but i want change. just not this kind of change. everyone's so boring. and pessimistic. contemptuous. this city is ridiculous. we're all sheep.

hey thanks, thanks for that summer... thank god my summer can finally begin! [i fell into you now you're gracefully falling away] i'll be thanking J later. preferably in september. [i gave you the best i had] he can have the best of me. and i'd take the worst of him over you any day. (hahaha--fuck you) [i hate the winter in lexington] i cannot get my thoughts into writing today. wow. i'm a wreck. pathetic.

it's getting colder and we're getting distant and i just keep thinking that i never meant it to be like this... oh man. ugly day. it seems as if the whole country is in darkness right now. from the midwest to out here, it's just rain, storms, and uglyness. i'm so sick of it. what happened to spring? helloooo? ugh, mother nature can kiss my ass. (you're beggin for a way to gracefully bow out and say goodnight) J's been done for the past 3 days now. i'm lovin it. he slept over last night. i was lovin that too. and i skipped school today. needless to say, i'm lovin it. i've missed him sooo much. and i've only got a few more days of school left, then i'm done high school forever! woohoo! let's go. blaze. trails. duh. okay, enough of me being happy. for some reason, i have this song (mutual head club) on repeat. even though J was here and all seemed well, he was a little... distant. i don't know why. can i blame this one on the weather?

are you for real? are you yessing me to death? you get my humor, and baby i'm amazed. yeah this must be my day. you're too good lookin, there must be somethin wrong. i'm sure you're taken, i'm doing it again. but i don't want to screw myself... hmmm... spring's a time for change right? well, fuck me.

Well take me, take me back to your bed I love you so much that it hurts my head Say I don't mind you under my skin I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in When we were made we were set apart Life is a test and I get bad marked Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins The storm is coming, the storm is coming in... i.love.him.so.much.

So it goes unsaid that we've been here before. lonely nights and endless fights and sleepingon the floor. he's sorry, so the story goes, it's read and replayed and ends the same way... this weekend was weird. for one, i spent it totally sober. and i hung out with A. and i didn't talk to J--at all. it's like we're not even together. very weird. but i really need him now. J, i fell in love with your dark hair and eyes so blue. (i'm such a sucker) who's getting the best of you tonight? it's me when it's good for you. give your love away like a sunday special, i'd give everything to make you stay just a little longer. now you're just another poetic line in my notebook about another boy i've fallen for. we're set to fail anyway. this ordeal would be so much easier if you could say something original. you're so goddamn passive i just want emotion. i know i'm setting myself up for rejection, but i'm addicted to you, like a fucking crack whore on the streets. too bad we couldn't keep this strictly physical. go back to when i just wanted to see your jeans hit the floor, when this dress would just slide off my shoulders. effortlessly. pretend that no one could hear us. now i wish i could get your voice out of my head as i try to fall asleep every night- and you're still not here.

something I've done that I can't outrun. maybe you should wait maybe you should run. but there's something you've said that can't be undone... baby, let me know what i've done wrong. i can't go on like this. if i messed up, let me know. i'd do anything for you. i've been so stressed. (i think he's upset with me.) i just can't figure it out. (it's driving me crazy.) he says nothing is wrong. (i don't believe him.) i feel all twisted inside. (and i can't even see straight.) perhaps i should go write. this day has definitely put me in a writing mood. might as well tune up the acoustic, i'm gonna need it. (but you'll never know how much i truly care for you.. i wouldn't have done the things i've done for jsut anyone.. and i'd do it all over again.. with everything i've got.) i'm so messed up. party tonight. it's gonna be one of those nights that i'll get fucked up cause i'm already fucked up, then i'll regret it tomorrow morning when he calls to see where i've been. bye. (((not too cool to be throwing up all morning.))) i've seen this going around: J took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Needs a change in her circumstances or in her rela..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

I'm under the assumption that I'm gonna be the one that's leaving you tonight, tonight. Well I've flipped every switch that I could find on my way out just to upset you more (just to keep you busy), just to make you angry (just because you were right), just because you were... ever have one of those days that seem to go on foreverandeverandeverandeverandeverandever? yeah. today was that day. it wasn't even a bad day; in fact, i was very content the whole day. it was just long as hell. and i just walked in the door no more than 15 minutes ago. yarg. and i'll be going back out soon. in like, 20 minutes. that gives me NO time for any homework, and i'll have to eat something eventually. (keeping that in mind, i haven't had a thing to eat all day. pisses me off...) yeah, so i really don't know what i'm doing on here. aghhhhh seeyaaaaaaaa.

sus padres, sus tios me trataron matar, but they did not get too far. un poco despues tuve que regresar con un chingo de dinero, cause you know i'm a star... ehmagawd i'm dirty little slut! at least, that's what that random girl said about me last night as J and i were dancing to this song. i mean, come on, why ruin such a good vibe with a comment like that? i kept most of my clothes on, so i don't know where she gets off calling me a slut. awink.