Pretty good weekend. Can't deny that. Even the awkwardness at the grad party friday night wasn't that bad. and the after grad party party that consisted of...well, me and laurel, was good. Except the part where I got sick. 4 times. And then adam's grad party was happy. I told him I am a circle and he is a square, and I just don't fit. And then later on that night he was talking about how we both have compulsive hands, and then said "see, circle in a circle hole." I could have cried and laughed and danced all at the same time. Bliss. And its about time.

I'm sick of feeling stupid. I'm sick of feeling like I'm losing my best friend. I'm sick of feeling alone, no matter what I do. I'm sick of wanting to be close to someone, and its not happening. I'm sick of crying alone. I'm sick of not being in charge of my own life. It makes me want to just take it into my own hands. I'm sick of being hopeless. I'm sick sick sick sick sick. Of everything. And I don't think I can take it. I'm weak. And I can't get over it.

Things that I'm afraid of: Being alone, without anyone around Being alone, in a crowded place People talking about me People thinking bad things about me snakes Mr. Delaup initiating conversation when i'm not in person making my mom/dad angry not being good enough not being smart enough not being pretty enough being afraid losing myself finding myself crashing my car (so far so good...) being tied down (in a relationship) not being loved not being liked being really angry and that's all I can think of right now.

So yeah, finally broke up with him. Almost two weeks ago now. And of course I have jealous ex-girlfriend syndrom. He asked her to prom, and it was adorable, and he seems so happy, and all of his problems seem to be fixed. It makes me feel like the virus that fucked up his life. Ironic, really, that I started getting sick the day after I started feeling that way. I have a date to prom, and he's adorable, and I really like him, but its still hard to see him so happy when I'm still not. I'm finally realizing that breaking up with him, changing my life like that, isn't going to solve all my problems.

If I could open my arms And span the length of the isle of Manhattan I'd bring it to where you are Making a lake of the East River and Hudson And if I could open my mouth Wide enough for a marching band to march out They would make your name sing And bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings I wish we could open our eyes To see in all directions at the same time Oh, what a beautiful view If you were never aware of what was around you And it is true what you say That I live like a hermit in my own head But when the sun shines again I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound But while you debate half empty or half full It slowly rises, your love is going to drown Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound But while you debate half empty or half full It slowly rises, your love is going to drown Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound But while you debate half empty or half full It slowly rises, your love is going to drown Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound But while you debate half empty or half full It slowly rises, your love is going to drown Your love is going to drown Your love is going to drown Your love is going to drown Your love is going to drown Your love is going to . . . . Lovely song, really. I'm too tired to be alive. My soul is tired from feeling, not feeling, feeling. I want to sleep now, but I tried, and it didn't work. What can I do? Keep on living. How depressing. I'd rather die. I can't keep up with him. He is someone completely different from me, so distant, it makes me feel awkward and out of place. His whole family does that. I just don't belong there, with them, with him. He deserves what he wants, and what he wants is me. Fine, I'll live with that, I suppose. Until I can't take it anymore...

Karma Police Arrest this man He talks in mouths He buzzes like a fridge He's like a detuned radio Karma Police Arrest this girl Her Hitler hairdo Is making me feel ill And we have crashed her party This is what you'll get This is what you'll get This is what you'll get When you mess with us Karma Police I've given all I can It's not enough I've given all I can But we're still on the payroll This is what you'll get This is what you'll get This is what you'll get When you mess with us For a minute there I lost myself I lost myself Phew, for a minute there I lost myself I lost myself For a minute there I lost myself I lost myself Phew, for a minute there I lost myself I lost myself There's nothing more that I can do. Goddamnit, tell me he's worth it. Tell me he's worth it. Tell me he's worth pushing my best friend away from me. Somebody help me. Somebody help me, please. I love him, I love him, he's worth it, he's worth it. Maybe he is. Maybe he's not. As a side note, radiohead is happy. Especially Karma police, which is probably why I put the lyrics here. Brandon has been in my dreams for the past four nights. In each of them, I try to talk to him, the first time it didn't work, in the second, it was me, and matt, and him, and we were laughing, and in the last two we talked. But in last night's, he tried to kiss me, which was awkward. However, I wish I could talk to him in real life, be friends again and all that. Ha, good luck with that, he hates me. He's so bitter, but he seems so happy. Then again, he always was bitter.

I can't take this anymore. I want to leave and never come back. I'm finished. Say goodbye to my sanity. And everything else. I'm done. I'm throwing in the towel. I want to go get sick, and just heave all of this out of me. I want to split my head open and take out all this hurting. This hypocrisy. This hate. This love. I am finished. Now if only I had the guts.

I hate you!!!!!!! One minute I love you and the next I hate you, well right now I hate you. You make me want to be a better person, and I hate it. I don't want to have to change who I am for you. You're not worth it. I'm not worth it. I have other people I could be with that make more sense to me. I don't even want to be with anyone! Maybe I just want to have a normal relationship that doesn't jump headfirst into something that I'm not ready for. I don't want a relationship. Maybe I just want to casually date and not be with someone like my best friend is doing. He seems happy enough with it. I'm sick of missing you when you're not here, and then when you come back, I don't want anything to do with you. So just go away. Leave, I don't want you in my life anymore.

I had to go to my boyfriend's band concert thing last night. ergh. I'm only frustrated because I'm jealous that I didn't get in. That made me start thinking about how awfully mediocre I am. I'm not really good at anything, I'm just mediocre at a decent mix of things. It's stupid, and I hate it. So of course I had to sit through about a 2 hour very loud reminder of my mediocrity. And every time someone mentions it, it's like turning the knife in my chest. So it was 2 hours of knife turning too. At least if I bled out and died bitter, I would have been listening to really good music. Of course then I saw middle school friends, and I wondered if they remembered me. And then I wondered whether my life is worth anything at all. Typical downward spiral.

So today was good, then it sucked a bit, then it was good again. I was so tired, but I think it's worth it. Except when I get so tired that I get depressed and then I want to die, or leave, or something. Anything but this and here. Now I feel ok, but just a little bit ago I felt like bursting into tears and finding some strong rope and a tree. Forget that, if I'm going to die, I'm at least going to die warm. Maybe it should be an indoor tree. I wonder if anyone would truly care if I died. Honestly, I don't do anything important that changes things or makes a difference. People would realize my absence for a bit, and then get over it, as if I'd never existed. But that's probably true for everybody, right? To make ourselves feel better, we forget that the person we cared about even existed at all, so that we don't have to think about the fact that they're not here anymore. I need to go to sleep, I guess. Or I am actually depressed. I am going to keep denying that, because there is no way I could actually be depressed, I have no real reason to be. If I actually was, I'd feel more guilty than I already do for having such a great life and hating it. I'm not alone...I'm not alone...It's going to be ok...keep waiting...I'm sick of waiting...wait harder, try harder...Ok, fine.