Happy new year! This is going to be good. I hope. So here are my new years resolutions: 1. Wear retainer more 2. Look/Be skinnier 3. Focus more on school/band/piano 4. Be more humble 5. BE HAPPY!!!!! 6. Make more friends 7. Don't talk unless it's important 8. Stop feeling lonely Not a bad list, really. I'm rather happy with it. Bestest friend might get a new girlfriend. The way he talks about her, she sounds perfect. I'm jealous. Shit. I'm supposed to stop that. But she's stealing my best friend!!! Maybe not, I did get to talk to him finally last night. School tomorrow. Yay, sort of. I didn't get any of the things done that I wanted to, except the calculus homework, but that didn't take long. Back to being busy. I love my life, I really do. But its time for summer weather, I'm sick of all the snow and cold. It makes me depressed. Even my one friend noticed that I was depressed very frequently this semester, which is funny. Cause I was, I just didn't expect him to notice. 2007 was short, now that I look back on it, it's really insignificant. That makes me happy. Time to really move on from that insignificant crap. Yes! Goodbye, auld lang syne (times long past). Yes, I did get a dictionary for Christmas, and I didn't know what auld lang syne meant, but now I do! :)

I feel very mixed up right now. I feel sort of happy, but come on, it's christmas, you're supposed to feel sort of happy, or jolly, or whatever. Maybe I'm not jolly, but still. And I'm a little lonely. I don't hate my boyfriend anymore, we're good. Except I probably won't see him for two weeks, because he gets to go visit relatives. He actually likes his, and gets along with them. I'm jealous too. His family all seem to get along and love each other and have fun. Mine...not so much. My dad's dad takes every chance he gets to make us seem not great, and he attempts to be subtle about it, but we see exactly what he means. I hate that. Then there's the fact that my immediate family couldn't get along if you payed us to. So I'm partially dreading christmas too, because someone always gets in some kind of argument and almost ruins everything. Could be worse, I guess. Long story short, I'm jealous of him and his family, and I want to go with him, and I want to be a part of that family. Someday, someday... That is if I don't scare him off first. Gosh, we kiss and I freak out and break down in front of him. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I feel guilty. Yes, I still feel like I'm not good enough, more now than I had been feeling. But he says: Don't worry. It won't happen. We're different. You've changed. And maybe I'm starting to believe it. All of these are mixed up, and I feel one of them the most at one time, while the others are in the background. But I'm not too upset, so I'm not really shaken up or hurt or anything. Mediocre, I guess. He says it's not good enough, but I'll take what I can get for now.

I'm so pissed off at my stupid boyfriend, he is such a stuck up dork. I swear, he doesn't think he can do anything wrong. He seems so overly perfect that he's not perfect. And he's so abnormal, he doesn't seem to have a single normal bone in his body, except that the arrogant man bone must still be intact and in use. This makes me sad. It was supposed to work out, he was supposed to be perfect, not imperfect through perfections. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So now what am I supposed to do? Sit and wait for things to get better, I guess.

I don't know what to say. Today was all right, I guess. Learned to put a spare tire on and got a new one to replace the one with the screw in it. damn, how the hell did that happen? I'll finish this later. Time to eat chili.

i won't mistake you for problems with me i won't let my moods ruin this you'll see i won't take everything good and move it away i won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past Would you stay home and keep our memories warm with me Would you give all your love for a run at the past with me i know you're sad even though you say that you're not i know you're scared even though you say that you're not i won't get mad when you say things are getting too hard i won't make all of your love so scared to come through our yard i won't scream in my head and let it isolate me i won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past I don't know why I've been putting lyrics in this thing lately. But whatever. Went and saw the other one yesterday at about 11 at night, which is late for me to be visiting someone. I had never seen his house before, it was nice, I liked it. Wish I could be there more. Except things would get screwed up royally that way, for me and my boyfriend. Who is in Nebraska! ergh, I miss him, a lot. I actually cried on the way back from the football game last night, I miss him so much. But he's coming back tomorrow, and I will see him monday. So it's all good. Now if I could only make lyrics above real. I don't want my crazy moods to screw us up, and I don't want to blame him for all of my problems. And I want to stop the screaming in my head.

ha i gotta tell ya i'll make it better but i know there's somethin' i needed to say when i was out, though maybe you were better alone i know i'll make it home she told me sweet thang run a labour in your shoes touch me til i follow in love i wanna help her maybe we were better alone i wanna show you how and then we walked out make it made now i said i want it but i never alone i wanna show you maybe we were somethin' uncool i wanna make you sing Simple as that, if only you were reading this, then you'd understand why I've been the way that I've been. There's no way you can actually be happy with me.

I feel like all I write about in this thing is my love life, and it makes me sick. But who cares? Not me. So anyways...I've decided that there are three guys in my head/heart. There's my boyfriend, my bestfriend, and the guy I have a "crush" on (God, I hate that word with a passion.) I feel like I will end up with one of two of them, and the other one I just want to play around with (like flirting and stuff, nothing gross or overly physical. Yuck.) However, I'm SUPPOSED to be with one of them, he's the one pretty much everyone approves of, my parents included. And I'm in love with him. But somehow, the one that not everyone approves of sneaks into my thoughts constantly. He seems almost perfect. I know how he feels about me, almost everything about how he feels about me, while with the other one, I feel like I have close to no clue about it. With one, I can picture my life with him, and it seems like I would be perfectly happy, and I would be able to everything that I want to do. And with the other, there seems to be nothing but confusion, because I would probably have to give up things that I want to do with my life. With one, I have no worries about keeping in contact with, and the other has always been indecisive about who he wants to be with that I would constantly worry about overlapping. That is, him wanting to be with someone else, but still being with me and wanting to be with me. But then, one of them needs to be around someone, have physical attention, and the other seems like he would be ok without that all the time. That being about college and being away from each other. And then there's me, who has always had problems with overlapping, as anyone can see if they know me. And then there's me, who needs to be around someone and have physical attention. Sometimes I just need someone to hold me close to them so that my head stops spinning, and to kiss me so that I shut up. And then there's me, who knows that it is too early to think about this, and that there are many fishes in the sea. I just like fishing, I guess. Best friend, if you decide to read this entry, good luck figuring out which one you are of the three.

Guess what I'm doing again? Oh yeah, avoiding psychology homework! Yay! So, my bestest friend in the whole wide world sent me this new Killers song: "Leave the bourbon on the shelf" and it is scary accurate to real life with me and him. Yikes! I saw my little half-crush today, and couldn't stop smiling for about 20 minutes, maybe more. But don't tell my boyfriend that, because I might half-like this other guy, but I've decided that I love my boyfriend so much, it's like this: The largest whale known to man, multiplied by all of the elephants in the world, multiplied by all the hippos, multiplied by all of the rhinoceroses, then multiplied by me. Then take e and raise it to the power of that which was explained. Biggest number ever. Pretty darn cool.

Right, so I'm just writing this right now because I don't want to do my psychology homework. ergh. So I feel pretty much alone. All the time. And I hate this guy that I was really good friends with over the summer. He's really freaking annoying,and I wish he would just disappear. He's such a jerk, but the boyfriend is still "real friends" with him, so I pretty much talk to Tyler at school, on purple days at least. Which I don't really mind, he gets me better than the boyfriend does a lot of the time. Plus we can be angry and hate the world together. I should do that psych homework, but I won't right now. Flute choir started tonight!!! Happy happy happy. except that I didn't make it into continental league, and stupid el head bitcho in training did. ergh. all well, time to kick her butt in all state then, not that i'll get into that either. I'm listening to B*witched, I'm such a weirdo. I think I'm starting to sort of like this other guy. Actually like, not love. Which is refreshing. (don't call me a whore, I'm just a silly confused high school girl.) And maybe I don't like him, I just want to talk to him more, maybe flirt a little, that's all I want, maybe I'll feel slightly normal for a bit. Normal for me, that is...hehehe.

So, I'm a bit frustrated. Yeah, what else is new. It's not about the usual love crap, which I suppose is very refreshing for anyone who reads this stupid thing. Anyways, I have mood swings. bad ones. My nerd friends and I have decided that they are sinusoidal (if you don't know what that means, go back to school, you silly non-nerd). It sucks, and I feel like my boyfriend/fiance is going to get sick of me very soon, but I can't help it. Oh right, as a side note, last saturday the man of my dreams took me out to eat, then we walked back to his house through a park under the tree where he asked me out, and he sang this really sweet song and asked me to marry him. First I asked if he was serious, and he said yes, eventually, so of course I said yes. That is why it says boyfriend/fiance. Only me, the boyfriend/fiance, and the other one know about it, which is the way it will probably stay for awhile. Back to the sinusoidalness: I'm sick of being angry and depressed, and then the next minute I'm on top of the world, then repeat X infinity. And when I'm depressed/angry/sad, I want to tell him everything that has ever happened to me, and how I'm feeling, and exactly what I'm thinking, and how scared I am of just myself now. I'm scared that I'm going to lose him, I'm scared that I'm going to lose all my friends, and I'm scared that I've already lost myself. What to do, what to do...