in science today we dissected cooked chicken wings (eww!) and we had to use scalpels and stuff... my science teacher was like talking about OMG DONT CUT YOURSELF and said "cut" every 2 seconds and it was like holy freakin shit... nvr expected this to sound so personal... and then we got the dissection kit... Kel grabbed the scalpel and was like, (my name here), im keepin this away from u... and i was like holy crap it was just b/c of the nightmare i had.. when i was 100% awake. i told the whole possey bout it. soo creepy... so i was sitting alone in my dads car. ttly depressed cuz my LA project was dying. (tay, member that?) so i was just sitting there and it was like one of those ife-flashed-before-my-eyes moments that happen in movies.. but it was more a premonition. i saw clearly myself. sitting on the floor, cutting my arms. not like my wrists but like from wrist to elbow diagonally. and i heard a truck go behind me and i thought, thats the way to end this- jump in front of a truck. and then the vision was gone and i was like holy crap, did i jst think that?? i was scared out of my mind. so for the next few days, i felt a funny sensation in my arm whenever i handled sharp objects. and sometimes, i still do feel funny. like my arms are daring me, begging me, to cut. but mostly only when im depressed out of my wits. i am such a screwed up little person...

totally freakin out. all day. i told anna that i tried to cut last night (more later)... and amanda almost overheard. i was like oh its nothing... just stress. and i didnt sleep well last night. hey, it was only a partial lie, a lie of omission... nuthin wrong with that. so wat i mean by "tried" to cut is that i actually held a sharp object to my wrist. (i no, i no, major artery. watevs.) barely broke the surface tho, no blood. im not a cutter. yet. i dunno how much longer i can hold out, help me chlo... and yes, chlo, im listening. i luv u 2. please stop for my sake if not for you..im always here for you. my trust can take anything now, i swear. couldnt abandon you now. "cold turkey", grl. be strong. i know you can do it and u no wat anna and tay said when i told them? "why are you so depressed?? ur life is FINE!" and it just blew me away. i thot u guys cared. i thot maybs i'd get a little sympathy, but noooo.... i get silence and anger. and you think you're the only confused ones... i dont have control over my own life anymore. i could break at the drop of a hat. well wish me luck if i can hold out until summer i should be fine i swear, my music is all thats keeping me from going over the edge. its the only thing that makes me feel ok instead of empty still no pineapples or unicorns 'raiya PS. shout outs to peace_love_empathy!!

i wanna so bad i dont know how much longer i can hold out i wanna see the blood run i wanna feel the pain i want ppl to see my scars.. i wanna escape it all and now i have no one to stop me o god guys help i dont wanna do it cuz i wont be able to stop but the pain is too great not to somebody come pull me out of this and get that broken glass out of your room (you know who you are) at least so far im still thinking straight but my parents will soon figure out im not ok that its not just physical exhaustion its emotional too and i dont want them to know just how fucked up i am no pineapples tonite Raiya

well. i found something out about a friend i hoped id never hear. cheers. i just feel like i wasnt enough for her, enough to stop her. how many times, i wonder, did she say something that would have let me know and i was too shallow to see it? i knew it, sort of, like really deep down. but i didnt wanna say it... so i'll go freak out in private now Zaraiya

doubt in your faith what you build you lay to waste there's truth in your lies doubt in your faith all i've got's what you didn't take how true, if you replace the "you/r"s with "me/my"s. i have left myself in pieces. hah, chlo, remember Mon. night? this song IS us. you get the secrets and i get the regrets. well, mom is back. bleh. she freaked out like 3 times in the short time she's been home. boo. i wrote this poem for my SS teacher Mrs. Forbes- i know it sucks and is really corny, but she'll (hopefully) appreciate it. [deleted the poem- it really SUCKED ASS- 6/6] she's retiring this year. let me no how bad it is- KittyKat_13@verizon.net peace luv pineapples and sprinklers (see mieolhc's journal for that one),

as the ocean opens up to swallow you quite possibly my favorite line off the whole cd. finally listened to Minutes to Midnight, and boy was it a letdown. here i am, looking for something to rival Hybrid Theory, and i get a slow, just-like-everyone-else cd. fuck. dont get me wrong, i LOVE M2M. but when compared to HT, the new cd is nuthin. oh well. hey anna, u reading this?... i didn't think so. sorry about my lack of faith and diminishing trust, but its not gonna be a one-way friendship. give and take, not just me giving and you walking away. crappy mood today. sorry. had a private lesson w/ Kathy- Dante (my cute little pony!! awwwww... well not really mine but whatevs. he is if i say he is so there.) was absolutely a doll and i did really good. Kathy was really happy w/ me. but my thighs are gonna KILL 2morro... but it was worth it. completely worth it. so yeah. not much to say. no school tomorrow, then my final is due and the countdown begins.... yay! i wonder if CC got M2M... ill have to ask him. its sumthin to talk about, way better than me being really dull and uninteresting...*shrug* Linkin Park FOREVER!!! peace love and pineapples

..but she'll be back on tuesday. meh. well, i guess i cant keep my happiness forever... jk. im not actually that happy that she's gone. meh. but anyway.. i decided i'm gonna pretend less. it's not like my *ahem* "friends" actually notice anyway. and if she did notice, its not like she'd really care. she's too bubbly to bother with a little nobody like me. ...i'm sorry; did i say "she"? oops, haha. may as well be honest with myself. SHE DOES NOT NOTICE when i am depressed or bothered. and its like, i dont want sympathy, but if she noticed at least I know she'd care. that's the other question- does she not see it b/c im HIDING it, or is she that stupid/oblivious, or does she just not care? i gotta know before this totally wrecks our friendship. MY doubts, killing everything. Just a normal day... god, now i'm gonna cry. i just emailed her everything i just said to you all... god, she's gonna hate me tomorrow. if i believed in God, i'd be praying right now. but at the age of 14 going on 2, i know better. well much love kiddies. feel better than me... wallowing in my imagined shadows and pretended dreams, my created pain and darkened soul. well, there goes my good mood. i was totally laughing over the Spanish version of Whenever (shakira, eww. but its so funny cuz its in Spanish and i am NOT bilingual. lol, i have no clue wat she's saying.) and now i'm listening to Defying Gravity (from Wicked) which just reminds me of her. *sniff* gawd, guyz, i cant do this. peace luv and pineapples 'raiya oh yeah- on the bright side, i'm starting to come around to Tay's viewpoint on CC. lol. i don't know why, but i'm feeling lucky on that front...

to The Firm: people do read our journals and they do care. ur a guy, u dont know anything about 13-year-old girls. ha. i read your journal. and u said people wouldn't. i'll take that ten bucks now, please and i'll quote my friend on this one: "hey poindexter, go fuck a meatball!" lots of luv, sucker noitigam, u ROX. thx for standin up for all us 13 yr olds here... and in response to The Firm's second post: what do i expect from a 15 yr old boy? how about a little respect and a little tolerance? oh, and maybs a little maturity. that would be nice. maturity enough not to go around insulting people you don't know. thnx a ton, bud. Zaraiya

you can find out firsthand what it's like to be me that's how i felt all day... yeah. felt like total crap. another day wasted going to school and doing MCAS... wahoo. luvly fun, that is. sooo yeah... and then i came home and finished Forever in Blue. the last Traveling Pants book. sooo good... felt so inspired and uplifted. yay! so i had a complete turnaround- i made a major decision here. im gonna ask CC to the dance on the 14th. when the right moment comes, i'll know. and i'll do it. and the funny thing is, i wont really care if he says yes or no. the satisfaction will be in actually getting up the courage to ask him and letting him know i like him. (and then i'll be totally fuckin gorgeous at the dance so if he says no he'll regret it haha :) )so yeah... wish me luck! o yeah- im officially 14. u can see how mich of a big deal that is at my house by the way i almost forgot about it. my B-day was yesterday :) and CC remembered :) he asked me a question and was like oh, happy birthday, by the way, and i was like o thanx! and nikita was all like OH! Happy Birthday! (yes, she definiteley used caps) and i was happy ...and we got new seats in math today. i now sit next to *him*. i cant stand *him* anymore. yuck. long story; dont ask; DONT wanna talk about it. and CC no longer sits at all near me. :( tear tear. my chances are now closer to zilch than ever before... but the funny thing is, as the BarraKuda announced it, CC said *something* to me... i didnt understand what it was. but did i hear... regret? in his voice? hmmm... regret at what, though? not being able to talk w/ ali and me or just regret that we had to change seats at all? i really dont know.... gimme a day or two on this. i. think. i'm. in. love. maybs. dunno wat 'love' is really suposed to mean; but ill find out sooner or later. damn, im really desperate for a boyfriend... o well. theres only 1 guy i'll take as a bf right now and i've heard he already has a gf and he'd nvr like me like that neway...:( sooo yeah... ali's party was funner than sneha's... sry u guyz couldnt go, chlo and tay... some fave quotes: "must we have deeply philosophical conversations over cake and ice cream? it just feels WRONG!" ~me "you missed all the boobfun" ~Hana "pinkies don't swear..." ~Hannah (followed by a middle-finger-swear substituted for a pinky-swear) "the book of doom and destruction" ~Hannah again ..can't remember any more off the top of my head, sry. sooo much fun tho... and the best part is that Hana's bf Dean thinks it was a coed party. when it was really all girls. so she's gonna tell him we stayed up late playing "really fun games" and talking about "sketchy stuff"... lol. luv her soo much. tay and chlo, u guyz wood have luved her too. must go now, have social studies homework to do and mosquitos to fend off... haha, mosquitos. but that's a story for another entry. remind me to tell that one and the one about the truck and the premonition... KittyKat_13@verizon.net peace luv and pineapples

...or so they said. i dunno who "they" is but there's been a whole lotta truble over what they wrote in the 8th grade bathroom... basically threats against the whole school. so they searched our backpacks this morning and everything... wat a waste of time. i hate my school. cannot wait for WA. its gonna rock even if i get lost because we won't have the BarraKuda any more nor will we have mr cohen the asshole principal. wat school pride... actually there's not much there to be proud of, but watevs. so i've been thinking... this one line in Famous Last Words. "So many bright lights that cast a shadow". regardless of wat evryone here says about that line, it kinda got me thinkin about my own life. If every bright light casts a shadow, then i think i'm entering the one cast by my sunburst the other day. (see 5/5 entry if u don't know wat i'm talking about) ehh yeah. so life= getting suckier. i keep fogetting that my birthday is on Monday cuz theres so much other shit going on in my life right now. and now my BFF has gone to DC for the weekend and crap so i have no one to bitch about my life to... ...on the plus side, im borrowing like 7 or 8 CDs of hers, which rox. i *hope* ill get the Black Parade for my birthday... or FOB tickets, but i know thats not gonna happen. :( depressing... ES is going w/o parents, i am so jealous... oh well... soooo.... yeah. not much else to say 'cept CC is reeeally hott and talks to me like A LOT... he rox. i luv him peace luv and pineapples! Zaraiya email me- KittyKat_13@verizon.net