I had fun today. I woke up late and ran around town with my dad. Then I hung out with my best friend for a while, and then I came home and slept again. My mom took me to the gym. I actually worked out.. and I felt good. So why is it that I kinda feel shitty... 1) I probably need to sleep. I sleep all the time.. its my solution for everything.. and a way to waste away my life (not what I want, though) I'm always tired. 2) People piss me off. I never tell people how I'm feeling because I don't want to seem any more self centered then I already am.. So all I do is ask people about themselves. Damn they rant like no other. I'd kinda like to rant. I'd kinda like someone to ask me how I'm doing and actually be interested in what I'm saying.. or at least pretend. ha. I'll rant on here instead. 3) Why do I like this kid. He fucking pisses me off. He's made me feel probably almsot every single emotion out there.. good and bad. When its the good ones, I want to date him. When its the bad ones... I want to kill him.. or myself. And I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. And him for that matter.. he likes me so how can he be such an asshole? It dosn't make sense. 4) I know I'm a coward. Its just a fact. I won't risk anything. I won't date anyone because I'm afraid that they'll be dissapointed, or that I'll be embarassed. I won't talk about what I want to because I'm afraid it won't be accepted. Which it probably won't, but I should be myself. I ramble pointless shit that the fuckers out there find amusing... so I get by. That was harsh. I take it back. But I tell people what they want to hear. 5) I need to drink. Why the hell is it so hard to get your hands on alcohol around here? Idk. But alcohol keeps me from doing things that are worse. And it lets me say what I want. It SLIGHTLY gets rid of my fucking fear of life. Yea. I'm afriad of life I guess... so I'm not really living it. Which is fucked up. I have friends though, good ones, and I'm honest to them. I just wish I could be honest to everyone. I've told too many lies to keep them all straight. I lied to my mom today. She asked what I did to my leg.. it had bandaids on it. Haha I told her I scratched it with the edge of a book. What the hell but it went by. I don't cut. I try to not do that... but sometimes I'm tempted. What I did was scratch words onto my leg.. is that considered cutting? No idea. But I was pissed. So my legs have various words on them that I didn't want anyone reading, because it looks obviously intentional. Probably a stupid idea to do it in the first place, but I wasn't thinking. I really just want to be straight up with this kid. Tell him that I want to date him but I'm scared and he pisses me off so much sometimes. I don't think I can do it.. but turning him down all the time is making me beat myself up. I need some good music. And iTunes isn't working. Maybe I'll sleep instead. xoxo

At the effect ONE person can have on another. I barley even know the kid. And he's managed to totally fuck up my life all the same. I don't understand how that can happen. I wonder if I did the same to him. I doubt it.

I really wish all my feelings and emotions would just go away so I could think about something else or nothing at all. That would be convinent.

Usually I know exactly what I want.. and now I don't which is a weird feeling. Warning: You won't want to read this you'll be bored like no other. Just skip this paragraph. The guy I've liked (and wished I didn't) for the past year (yeah, an entire year) asks me out. I was totally amazed, I had no idea he liked me and thought that he was thinking I was some crazy weird person. Which I suppose I am. I had been beating myself up all year over liking someone who obviously didn't like me and who I should just get over but I couldn't get over him. So he askes me out. It seems like that would be exactly what I wanted, and would say yes immediatly, but its not, and I didn't. I turned him down. I have no idea why, but for some reason a part of me didn't want to date him. I think it was the coward part of me, and I was afraid I'd be stupid and mess things up, or not be at all what he wanted. I don't want him to see the side of me that I haven't ever shown him. I just didn't want to go out with him. But another part of me did, and that was the part that made me beat myself up (again) after turning him down. I felt so bad and depressed and pissed at myself. I still like him. But I don't know what I want with that. eh. FWB? maybe. Then yesterday I talk to him for the first time since I turned him down, and he says hes in a really bad mood and dosn't talk to me (this is on IM). I get talking with my guy friends who's also hisreally good frined. The friend, J, goes on about how depressed my guy has been and how he won't stop moping around and feeling depressed over what I did. I FELT SO BAD. The guy I liked is a player, and I didn't think he'd take it NEAR that hard. I felt bad and depressed and worried and I was regreting, a bit. I tell J how I feel and whats going on and apparently he worked it out with the guy I like, and so now everythings ok (apparently). haha yes wow that was intense. But today I'm feeling pretty good. Last night I wasn't. Hopefully everythings ok now. Summer kicks ass. I love it like no other, but am DREADING next year. New school, only one of my friends is going there with me, and I'm taking a really hard program (my parents, not me) and I don't want to. I kinda wanna stay back at my old school with all my friends, but then again, I don't wnat to do that either. I hate that school like no other. and THAT is why summer should go on forever, or at least until 10th grade when all my friends and I will be reunited in the same school in the same program. YES. Ok, so I only have to suffer through one year. Not bad, I guess, but a year of hell isn't that fun. BUT SUMMER IS. End of story. Listen to this: The Freshman -- The Verve Pipe It sad, but very very good.

Listen to this: Pride (In the Name of Love) -- ....U2. ok, ok, yeah its U2. But just listen to it, okay? I'm confused, and generally pissed off at the opposite sex.

Is amazing. Every day I can sleep in until noon Every night I can stay up until two Every day I can go swimming Every day I can see my friends Theres no homework Theres no stress about grades Theres no rules Theres more parties Theres more music Theres more fun Theres more time Theres more friendships Theres more movies Theres more laughing Theres more sleeping Theres more tv Theres more time outside. If it wasn't for summer, I don't know what I'd do.

I'm freezing. Sitting in the dark. Light hurts my eyes. And the dark helps calm me down. I was talking to someone today. They said: "You can't trust anyone. The only one you can trust is yourself. People will try to tell you differently. And you'll learn the hard way. But in the end you'll see. You are the only one who is trust worthy enough." This made me think. I agree with what he said, to some extent. And because of that, its messing things up. I can't trust anyone. For anything. And I wish i did. People are supposedto learn the hard way. But not now. They're supposed to only figure out what I was told today when they've learned from their mistakes too many times. I have learned. I think I've learned too early. And now, when everyone else is getting fucked over by people because they have trust, even false trust, I can't do it. I've lost my trust too early, at a time when having trust is what gets you by. And I need to be able to trust someone because this isn't working. Why? Because of why the guy said that isn't true. Or at least not for me. The problem: I can't trust myself. So many times I've made myself promises. Told myself this time I will keep them. But it never happens, and I fuck myslef over. And that was ok at first. But now, I have no faith in myslef. Deep down, I know that I won't keep that promise I've made to myself. I know this, and sitll I make them. And I know I'm gonna fail. So I've stopped trying to keep them. I don't even TRY. I can't trust them. I can't trust me. No trust = hell. I don't have faith in anything. not anyone, and not even my own self, the one person who I can be honest to. music: Losing My Religion -- REM

Summer's here. Usually, it'd make me happy. But right now.. idk what could. My life's fucking around with me... Trying to see how much I can take And it's finding out. You don't want to hear this. I'll give you music, lots and lots: Existentialism On Prom Night -- Straylight Run "You would kill for this, just a little bit" Saints and Sailors -- Dashboard Confessional "Don't be a liar, don't say that everything's working when everything's broken" Pretty Girl (The Way) -- Sugarcult "Its the way that he makes you fall in love" My Second Restraining Order -- I Am the Avalanche "In your bed, lying dead, would that get your attention asshole?" Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) -- MARILYN MANSON (not whoever else did it) "Everybody's looking for something" Say This Sooner -- The Almost "I can't believe I didn't say this sooner" This Is a Forgery -- Dashboard Confessionl "This is a forgery, every single word is plagerized' Ok, if you're bored, I just solved your problem.

I missed school today.. stupid sicknesses. Butttt... since today didn't happen that leaves only... 3 1/2 days of school left. days of finals and goodbyes and saying adios to that hellish building that I've hated for two years. For good. Summer makes me happy, really. And I will keep myself busy.. In order to forget that next year may just suck too, so summer has to go on forever. right. Another three day weekend. 2nd in a row. I love having mondays off on account of that they suck a ton. I will spend yet another three day weekend in the mountains, hopefully not sick still. I actually like the mountains, and going up there. It keeps me away from the computer, and keeps me close to my friends. Yippie :) I'm kind of out of it.. I don't really know what day it is.. or time. And AIM occaiosnally ruins lives.. I have a addiction. Two good songs: #1: Breath -- Breaking Benjamin [[its good, it just is]] #2: I Hate Everyone -- Get Set Go [[yea so its straight up, funny, peaceful, and blunt. it makes me happy (weird eh)]]

I dont know what I'm feeling, or why. And it makes me angry, worried, and sad. This weekend I get to spend three long days and nights with people who I'm not friends with, isolated up in the mountains. I'm missing a ton of fun stuff to do this too.. this dosn't make me happy. I'm so tired. Hell is no sleep. Music: Hands Down -- Dashboard Confessional. I don't know why. Its jsut good.