The only part of me that I like is just a lie.

I have low self esteem WHICH FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. It ruins things that I want to do and makes me feel bad about everything I've done wrong. I hate it. And don't know how to fix it. I only got one hour of sleep last night and I'm really really tired. I should probably sleep. But I dont want to leave him online alone.

I want it to rain. I want to hear it.

Fuck anyone who makes their kid work 11 hours a day. If my dad tried to do that to me I would run away. Damnit. My friend needs to be texting me back. And I want cider. Best thing ever. I'm like, in love. Severe issues. Wish I wasn't like this.

Things I'm Tired of: • Being a coward • Being fake to some ppl I'm close to • Lieing • Liking someone so much, and knowing I'm too stupid to make it work • Turning him down, when I completely love him • Wasting my life online at 1 am • Being bored • Feeling like shit • Being socially deficient • Being scared of the phone • Not knowing more guys • Being jealouse of people who I barley know or who have done nothing to me • Not being able to shut down my mind. • Music that dosn't make me feel anything.

I hate it when people joke about things that arn't funny. At all. I don't care if they really are trying to be funny Or say that they're kidding Or are trying to be cool. I don't care People need to know where and when to lay off And they need to know that some things just can't be funny And just because I'm easygoing and laugh it off Dosn't mean that it didn't effect me I enjoy a laugh I do And good jokes And even jokes that make fun of things But seriously, the line has to be drawn fucking somewhere And now I'm pissed off I need to stand up for myself

its my favorite holiday, but it still feels like the 3rd since its night so I can't be all happy. wow Man, I can't even understand myself. I can't understand my own life or why I do the things I do. And if I can't understand it I have no idea how anyone else will be able to.

yay its my 20th entry.. if i can count right at all. Anyways. You're cool. I'm bored. All my friends left for various exciting parts of the country or various parties or I can't get ahold of them. So yeah, I'm really really bored. Gah. And my parents are giving me restrictions on what I can do and where I can go these days. joy. haha yeah, make love not warcraft

I almost feel like I'm over him. I wish it were true, but I'll probably feel like I did before soon. This feeling isn't that great, but it feels right. Its weird, because I've liked him for more than a year. I want to like somone else. I can do better next time. I need to hang out with more guys. Good guys. Not the asshole one second, amazing the next, drug and achohol relient, self centered guys. Good guys. And maybe I can see that they're NOT in fact completely weird and confusing and strange. And maybe I'll find one I like. I need a summer romance. One thats NOT him. I can't wait for the 4th of July. It's my favorite holiday, BY FAR Its hot, patriotic, no presents, time outside.. and then at night: Fireworks. Huge crowds of people outside at dark. Running into people you know. Buying food and glowsticks and running around in the dark with your best friends. Laying in the grass in City Park with thousands of other people. Silent. Excpet for the huge fireworks exploding over you. Its an amazing feeling. And it makes me feel free. and happy. Its the most amazing day ever. Then I come home.. late.. drink.. party... do our own neighborhood fireworks with best friends. I CAN'T WAIT. The End.

yeah ok, I over post. But I just found this song. I'm not a huge country fan. But dear God these lyrics make me cry right now.. and I only wish I would actually take their advice. Here they are: That old wind that's whipping out there It's whistlin' your tune That wind blew pyramids to Egypt And footprints to the moon And that old star that you been wishin' on Is shinin' mighty bright But it's the fire inside your heart That's gonna lead you to the light How you ever gonna know What it's like to live there How you ever gonna know victory How you ever gonna know What it's like when dreams become reality How you ever gonna know How it feels to hold her How you ever gonna know What it's like to dance How you ever gonna know If you never take a chance You know failure isn't failure If a lesson from it's learned I guess love would not be love Without a risk of being burned Anything in life worth havin' Lord, it has its sacrifice But the gift that you're receiving Is worth more than a price How you ever gonna know What it's like to live there How you ever gonna know What you never knew How you ever gonna know If you're down here doin' What the good Lord put you here to do How you ever gonna know If you could have done it How you ever gonna know How it feels to fly How you ever gonna know If you never dare to try Listen not to the critics Who put their own dreams on the shelf If you want to get the truth to admit it You gotta find out for yourself How you ever gonna know What it's like to be there How you ever gonna know If you're the best How you ever gonna know What you believe in If you don't put it to the test How you ever gonna know How it feels to hold him How you ever gonna know What livin' means How you ever gonna know If you never chase the dreams How you ever gonna know Your potential How you ever gonna know victory How you ever gonna know What it's like when dreams become reality How you ever gonna know How it feels to hold her How you ever gonna know What it's like to dance How you ever gonna know If you never take a chance Story of my Life: I'm never gonna know.