yay its my 20th entry.. if i can count right at all. Anyways. You're cool. I'm bored. All my friends left for various exciting parts of the country or various parties or I can't get ahold of them. So yeah, I'm really really bored. Gah. And my parents are giving me restrictions on what I can do and where I can go these days. joy. haha yeah, make love not warcraft

I almost feel like I'm over him. I wish it were true, but I'll probably feel like I did before soon. This feeling isn't that great, but it feels right. Its weird, because I've liked him for more than a year. I want to like somone else. I can do better next time. I need to hang out with more guys. Good guys. Not the asshole one second, amazing the next, drug and achohol relient, self centered guys. Good guys. And maybe I can see that they're NOT in fact completely weird and confusing and strange. And maybe I'll find one I like. I need a summer romance. One thats NOT him. I can't wait for the 4th of July. It's my favorite holiday, BY FAR Its hot, patriotic, no presents, time outside.. and then at night: Fireworks. Huge crowds of people outside at dark. Running into people you know. Buying food and glowsticks and running around in the dark with your best friends. Laying in the grass in City Park with thousands of other people. Silent. Excpet for the huge fireworks exploding over you. Its an amazing feeling. And it makes me feel free. and happy. Its the most amazing day ever. Then I come home.. late.. drink.. party... do our own neighborhood fireworks with best friends. I CAN'T WAIT. The End.

yeah ok, I over post. But I just found this song. I'm not a huge country fan. But dear God these lyrics make me cry right now.. and I only wish I would actually take their advice. Here they are: That old wind that's whipping out there It's whistlin' your tune That wind blew pyramids to Egypt And footprints to the moon And that old star that you been wishin' on Is shinin' mighty bright But it's the fire inside your heart That's gonna lead you to the light How you ever gonna know What it's like to live there How you ever gonna know victory How you ever gonna know What it's like when dreams become reality How you ever gonna know How it feels to hold her How you ever gonna know What it's like to dance How you ever gonna know If you never take a chance You know failure isn't failure If a lesson from it's learned I guess love would not be love Without a risk of being burned Anything in life worth havin' Lord, it has its sacrifice But the gift that you're receiving Is worth more than a price How you ever gonna know What it's like to live there How you ever gonna know What you never knew How you ever gonna know If you're down here doin' What the good Lord put you here to do How you ever gonna know If you could have done it How you ever gonna know How it feels to fly How you ever gonna know If you never dare to try Listen not to the critics Who put their own dreams on the shelf If you want to get the truth to admit it You gotta find out for yourself How you ever gonna know What it's like to be there How you ever gonna know If you're the best How you ever gonna know What you believe in If you don't put it to the test How you ever gonna know How it feels to hold him How you ever gonna know What livin' means How you ever gonna know If you never chase the dreams How you ever gonna know Your potential How you ever gonna know victory How you ever gonna know What it's like when dreams become reality How you ever gonna know How it feels to hold her How you ever gonna know What it's like to dance How you ever gonna know If you never take a chance Story of my Life: I'm never gonna know.

I had fun today. I woke up late and ran around town with my dad. Then I hung out with my best friend for a while, and then I came home and slept again. My mom took me to the gym. I actually worked out.. and I felt good. So why is it that I kinda feel shitty... 1) I probably need to sleep. I sleep all the time.. its my solution for everything.. and a way to waste away my life (not what I want, though) I'm always tired. 2) People piss me off. I never tell people how I'm feeling because I don't want to seem any more self centered then I already am.. So all I do is ask people about themselves. Damn they rant like no other. I'd kinda like to rant. I'd kinda like someone to ask me how I'm doing and actually be interested in what I'm saying.. or at least pretend. ha. I'll rant on here instead. 3) Why do I like this kid. He fucking pisses me off. He's made me feel probably almsot every single emotion out there.. good and bad. When its the good ones, I want to date him. When its the bad ones... I want to kill him.. or myself. And I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. And him for that matter.. he likes me so how can he be such an asshole? It dosn't make sense. 4) I know I'm a coward. Its just a fact. I won't risk anything. I won't date anyone because I'm afraid that they'll be dissapointed, or that I'll be embarassed. I won't talk about what I want to because I'm afraid it won't be accepted. Which it probably won't, but I should be myself. I ramble pointless shit that the fuckers out there find amusing... so I get by. That was harsh. I take it back. But I tell people what they want to hear. 5) I need to drink. Why the hell is it so hard to get your hands on alcohol around here? Idk. But alcohol keeps me from doing things that are worse. And it lets me say what I want. It SLIGHTLY gets rid of my fucking fear of life. Yea. I'm afriad of life I guess... so I'm not really living it. Which is fucked up. I have friends though, good ones, and I'm honest to them. I just wish I could be honest to everyone. I've told too many lies to keep them all straight. I lied to my mom today. She asked what I did to my leg.. it had bandaids on it. Haha I told her I scratched it with the edge of a book. What the hell but it went by. I don't cut. I try to not do that... but sometimes I'm tempted. What I did was scratch words onto my leg.. is that considered cutting? No idea. But I was pissed. So my legs have various words on them that I didn't want anyone reading, because it looks obviously intentional. Probably a stupid idea to do it in the first place, but I wasn't thinking. I really just want to be straight up with this kid. Tell him that I want to date him but I'm scared and he pisses me off so much sometimes. I don't think I can do it.. but turning him down all the time is making me beat myself up. I need some good music. And iTunes isn't working. Maybe I'll sleep instead. xoxo

At the effect ONE person can have on another. I barley even know the kid. And he's managed to totally fuck up my life all the same. I don't understand how that can happen. I wonder if I did the same to him. I doubt it.

I really wish all my feelings and emotions would just go away so I could think about something else or nothing at all. That would be convinent.

Usually I know exactly what I want.. and now I don't which is a weird feeling. Warning: You won't want to read this you'll be bored like no other. Just skip this paragraph. The guy I've liked (and wished I didn't) for the past year (yeah, an entire year) asks me out. I was totally amazed, I had no idea he liked me and thought that he was thinking I was some crazy weird person. Which I suppose I am. I had been beating myself up all year over liking someone who obviously didn't like me and who I should just get over but I couldn't get over him. So he askes me out. It seems like that would be exactly what I wanted, and would say yes immediatly, but its not, and I didn't. I turned him down. I have no idea why, but for some reason a part of me didn't want to date him. I think it was the coward part of me, and I was afraid I'd be stupid and mess things up, or not be at all what he wanted. I don't want him to see the side of me that I haven't ever shown him. I just didn't want to go out with him. But another part of me did, and that was the part that made me beat myself up (again) after turning him down. I felt so bad and depressed and pissed at myself. I still like him. But I don't know what I want with that. eh. FWB? maybe. Then yesterday I talk to him for the first time since I turned him down, and he says hes in a really bad mood and dosn't talk to me (this is on IM). I get talking with my guy friends who's also hisreally good frined. The friend, J, goes on about how depressed my guy has been and how he won't stop moping around and feeling depressed over what I did. I FELT SO BAD. The guy I liked is a player, and I didn't think he'd take it NEAR that hard. I felt bad and depressed and worried and I was regreting, a bit. I tell J how I feel and whats going on and apparently he worked it out with the guy I like, and so now everythings ok (apparently). haha yes wow that was intense. But today I'm feeling pretty good. Last night I wasn't. Hopefully everythings ok now. Summer kicks ass. I love it like no other, but am DREADING next year. New school, only one of my friends is going there with me, and I'm taking a really hard program (my parents, not me) and I don't want to. I kinda wanna stay back at my old school with all my friends, but then again, I don't wnat to do that either. I hate that school like no other. and THAT is why summer should go on forever, or at least until 10th grade when all my friends and I will be reunited in the same school in the same program. YES. Ok, so I only have to suffer through one year. Not bad, I guess, but a year of hell isn't that fun. BUT SUMMER IS. End of story. Listen to this: The Freshman -- The Verve Pipe It sad, but very very good.

Listen to this: Pride (In the Name of Love) -- ....U2. ok, ok, yeah its U2. But just listen to it, okay? I'm confused, and generally pissed off at the opposite sex.

Is amazing. Every day I can sleep in until noon Every night I can stay up until two Every day I can go swimming Every day I can see my friends Theres no homework Theres no stress about grades Theres no rules Theres more parties Theres more music Theres more fun Theres more time Theres more friendships Theres more movies Theres more laughing Theres more sleeping Theres more tv Theres more time outside. If it wasn't for summer, I don't know what I'd do.

I'm freezing. Sitting in the dark. Light hurts my eyes. And the dark helps calm me down. I was talking to someone today. They said: "You can't trust anyone. The only one you can trust is yourself. People will try to tell you differently. And you'll learn the hard way. But in the end you'll see. You are the only one who is trust worthy enough." This made me think. I agree with what he said, to some extent. And because of that, its messing things up. I can't trust anyone. For anything. And I wish i did. People are supposedto learn the hard way. But not now. They're supposed to only figure out what I was told today when they've learned from their mistakes too many times. I have learned. I think I've learned too early. And now, when everyone else is getting fucked over by people because they have trust, even false trust, I can't do it. I've lost my trust too early, at a time when having trust is what gets you by. And I need to be able to trust someone because this isn't working. Why? Because of why the guy said that isn't true. Or at least not for me. The problem: I can't trust myself. So many times I've made myself promises. Told myself this time I will keep them. But it never happens, and I fuck myslef over. And that was ok at first. But now, I have no faith in myslef. Deep down, I know that I won't keep that promise I've made to myself. I know this, and sitll I make them. And I know I'm gonna fail. So I've stopped trying to keep them. I don't even TRY. I can't trust them. I can't trust me. No trust = hell. I don't have faith in anything. not anyone, and not even my own self, the one person who I can be honest to. music: Losing My Religion -- REM