my conclusion for the day; i have temper problems. and it kinda sucks. the things people do just annoy me and make me so uncomfortable. my mother giving me a simple chore such as doing the laundry makes me want to scream in her face and just slap her. its not right. but i realize it also makes for funny stories =]. so i guess im not too worried about this 'problem,' if you could even call it that, but i wish i could change myself. correction: i know i can change myself, i just dont want to. i dreamt about him last night =]. thats the first time i've ever dreamt about something that i wanted to dream about. if that makes sense. the dream was so vivid. i was hugging him he was warm from the sun in a black t shirt with the sun shining down on him in an empty room filled with light. i was cold, and we just held each other i guess...? but i could feel his touch so well and his t shirt and the warmth of it. then we started walking toward the door, my one arm still around his waist, his arm on my shoulders and i was gonna kiss him goodbye possibly and my parents were coming out of a room but i didnt care, because he was what mattered. and then i was woken up, but i was smiling. i dont like him, i like his presence, i like how nice he is, i dont like him though. in my dream i think he just represented the love i would like to have. and that all was really sappy and i'm actually embarassed :/ anyways HAPPY HOLIDAYS AGAIN peace love LOVE =]

i saw him today. god, he is near perfect. everytime i get the chance to spend time with him, he charms me all over. not intentially, and he doesnt know it, but he knows exactly how to twist my heart so i keep coming back to him. i can't help but fall for him. i know that i never have a chance considering that when he's around her he never even gives me the time of day. whats so great about her? fakeness and makeup? if thats what guys want, that something they'll never get from me. that's one place i will not bring myself to. it frustrates me so much when he's so consumed in her that he won't notice me; no matter how hard i try, how loud i talk, how crazy i am...he's infatuated by her. she has a boyfriend. it will never work. rawr anyways christmas is in hmmm 3 days =] so happy Christmas/Holidays to everyone be safe don't get hurt don't do stupid things peace love SURRENDER

tonight was a fun night. not the best. but nothing bad happened and i cant complain. for some reason tonight the computer just seems so far away. like i'm not actually typing my thoughts tonight. i guess i'm just not 'that into it' right now, but i need to write, for me. i wishh wish wish wish that i had soo much more self confidence. that i could go to school monday looking like the person i want to, acting like the person i want to, actually being me, and i wouldnt be bothered by people criticizing me. and they would, no doubt, after all, it is high school. remember? no one's allowed to be who they want to be; diversity is frowned upon. anyways, i'm kinda straying from the point. i need self confidence, i need to not be shy. most of all i need to STOP worrying about what other people think of me. just say hi, who cares if you don't know them that well. you're not that social outcast that you've thought yourself to be. i dont want to be shy anymore; it gets me no where. ahh enough complaining. lifes good mostly. and on a lighter note; i met, ughhh i wish, actually i saw the most perfect boy tonight. absolutely perfect, there is no better way to describe my dream boy than what he looks like. the only thing i can say; i can picture him being taylor swifts boyfriend, like the one in tim mcgraw, except he doesnt look like him...make sense? anyway, he was just a gift to me, the only upsetting part; knowing that he would never look at me the same way, knowing that i would never have a chance with him, and knowing that i probably wont ever meet him or see him again. but when he smiled, i got goosebumps, and his skin; just soo perfect. i couldnt even dream up a more perfect man in my life. to be young and want love peace love OOO

i'm not gonna write you a love song cause you asked for it cause you need one, you see i'm not gonna write you a love song cause you tell me its make or breaking this if you're on your way i'm not gonna write you to stay if all you have is leaving i'm gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today

last week i went to honestly the best party ever. like better than homecoming or anything. it was...wow i cant even begin to explain. except at the end i opened my mouth and said something pretty mean to m...i feel bad cause i hate screwing up but, for lack of better words, he started it! he said something way mean and in public about me not even to my face but one of my friends...how stupid can you be? so he had it coming, but i feel bad. but i didnt even say anything that bad to him. im blowing this out of proportion...this too shall pass. umm so i found out we the kings are coming near me, but its in the middle of the week and i have dance so i think were not gonna go to see them. i was pretty bummed about that but then i was looking at mayday parades myspace and their coming to my exact hometown so i was like hell yea. so im finally seeing mayday parade and im soo excited....the only left to do...get the rents to agree. uh oh. pray for me =] so that made my day basically, and only 22 days till christmas, so that gets me pumped to just push through and get it over with. i have something coming up though, this friday, and im not nervous, but afraid of how people are gonna judge me, shallow right, and the even more shallow thing is that im worried about the boys judging me. i cant believe myself. but its true. and i just, all i wanna do is cry until friday. its that bad. another thing, i found out a few days ago that this boy who has a past with me was telling people that im not smart i just study a lot. and yea that may sound stupid but it hurts me. because yea i have a lot of friends and people like me, but that doesnt mean im that typical ditsy forever blond girl. im much more. and im not trying to be cocky but its true i am smart, and i am gifted, regardless of my study habits. i would be smart without them, but with studying, i just do excellent on my work. and yea i work hard to get good grades, but you can't be an a student without natural ability. i guess this just bothers me because I have been feeling lately that im just not good at really anything. the only thing i have to show for are my grades. i just cant watch that last bit being taken from me. stupid? maybe, but its how i feel enough for today...christmas is too soon =] peace love MISERABLE.AT.BEST

so i didnt make it to the concert. i went to this lame dance instead. i regret every single part of that night. i just feel like i couldve have tried harder. things still aren't right. i can't even begin to sit here and try to explain. mostly cause i'm afraid. and also, i dont know where to start. ahh to be young. everything is crazy right now. i can't figure out what to feel anymore. i don't know who to be, since i have know idea who i am. its out of control. so christmas is soon, and the theme of my list this year is 'go big, or go home' anyways, here it is!! all the irrational ideas i have 1. self-confidence =] 2. patience 3. a boyfriend that i dont have to just 'settle' on? 4. ugg boots (chocolate brown please) 4. a northface jacket 5. a pea coat 6. a new ipod (explanation later to come) 7. guitar hero 3 =] 8. makeup from sephora (bare minerals =] ) 9. giftcards (buckle, pac sun, hollister) 10. some other boots (too hard to explain) 11. A LAP TOP =] =] =] =] =] =] =] =] =] =] =] =] thats about it for now. oh and about my ipod, i spilled soda in my purse, and the only thing damaged; my life! my ipod =[ so i need a new one, hopefully the biggest giga bite (sp?) video they have =] in black of course hmmm white would be nice though. i'll take whatever i can get ;] 24 days till xmas =] peace love HERO/HEROINE