RosesAtSunset's Journal

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  • for emma - bon iver

    by RosesAtSunset on December 15, 2010
    i guess i could start with where i was a week ago: i'm sitting in the kitchen of a mental hospital with a styrofoam cup of hot chocolate in front of me. i'm staring at my reflection in the dark window. my long hair is loose and my eyes are burning gently back at me. if you're listening, you'll know that the tree outside is hiding under the snow because it's dead. oh, please understand. no matter where i go, the view stays the same. "go find another lover to bring-a; to string along." out of my loneliness, i've carved you monuments that you'll never see. your indifference ignites them, leaving ash. ash. nothing but ash.
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  • "unblinking grief"

    by RosesAtSunset on November 02, 2010
    there are no more words, really. they've all gone. they all gave up on me when he did. he'd rather be miserable on his own. i couldn't help him because he never wanted my help to begin with. "I hope you have a wonderful life and forget me sooner, rather than later." that's probably the last thing he's ever going to say to me. it's just so contradictory to everything else he's ever said. i don't know how i'm going to move on, or forward, or at all. he lied the entire time, and i believed the entire time. i really thought i was stronger than this, but i'm not. love is a trap for fools, and i just happen to be the biggest one. there are no words. these are merely groupings of letters that don't matter anymore. i went to get help today. they gave me pills and a number to call, and then sent me home. i don't know how much longer i'll be around, to be honest. i never had all that much and now whatever i did have has been taken away. these just aren't words because he took them all away when he left. and he said that he doesn't want me to ever bother asking for them back. i just don't have anything left.
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  • ouch

    by RosesAtSunset on October 25, 2010
    okay, so. he just ripped my heart out. threw it on the ground. shot it eight times. threw the pieces in the garbage can. pissed on the garbage can. set the garbage can on fire. and then rolled the garbage can into an ocean of lava, which caused my world to explode. i thought i was going to marry him! he said that he had been in love with me for three years! he said he was going to love me forever and ever and GOD I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. i'm going to be fucked up for a very, very, very long time. but, i knew it was going to end this way. i tried to ignore it, but i always knew. i am in so much emotional pain, honestly. i don't know where i'm going now, but i think i'll fly solo for a while. i mean, really. my heart is currently broken, shot, in a garbage can, covered in piss, on fire, while simmering in an ocean of lava. fuck, that hurts. FUCK. it will take me quite a while to get better.
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  • spasms

    by RosesAtSunset on October 24, 2010
    i am the dog that has been kicked too many times. i am the dog that cries when you leave. i am the dog that everyone tricks. my heart pumps liquid fire, and all i can do is wince. people say, "what a beautiful mutt! what a gorgeous stray!" but they never take me in. i am always staring sadly into the warmly-lit houses when it rains. it is true that you never kicked me- oh, no, you neglect me. you disappear so easily. oh, how i howl when you're gone. and when you come back, you sigh (like falling rain) and chastise me for being so weak. but how could i not be weak with bruised ribs and a singed heart? i look up at the stars, and i look up for you. your silence- it breaks me. i thought you were going to save me. you said you would and, as dumbs dogs go, i am the most naive. i pray to the stars, the clocks, the maps, and the drinks. i don't think God pays attention to this lame mutt's wishes though. i sometimes worry that He doesn't pay attention to anything at all. i'm scared that believing in Him is just like believing in you. luckily, this idiotic dog's heart is blind.
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  • clarity

    by RosesAtSunset on July 16, 2010
    the cardiovascular system is slowly picking back up again. the pump was thought to be out of service for good- however, in a startling display of courage, the system regained its function. it's not the smoothest of operations, but it's so much better than apologizing for the "out of order" sign that choked me up constantly. there is light- no, don't argue- it's there. find it within yourself, and you will never feel lost. continue loving- even when you feel it shall surely destroy you. a person may have tamed you, but you can always become wild again. don't wait in vain for their attention. either you can move forward willingly, or you can be dragged along painfully. i am in the process of removing the barricade between the time before you, and the time after you. the sand will soon flow evenly, and my heart will no longer be a field of memory mines. open your eyes. smile. fightoffyourdemons.
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  • "eyes black and trembling" -pw

    by RosesAtSunset on June 27, 2010
    with cuts on my fingertips, i tried to read your arms in the cold. i couldn't follow the plot quickly enough, so you put on your coat. i watched the story slowly sink back into your skin, and i never got a second chance. "tiny hope armies fight inside my heart just outside of the greenzone of my head. you can't imagine the things i would do for you." -pw words are weapons- don't let anyone tell you otherwise. there are worse things than broken bones, and having no defense mechanisms means having no protection. after all this time, i figured out why evil villains want to blow up the world. "i am put at ease somewhat by the inevitablity of strange and dark days. not light but the opposite, it is inevitable. this hotel room overlooks a city that i do not understand when usually i am overlooking cities that do not understand me. i don't have any "start over" left inside of me. i wish anyone would understand. all roads lead to longing. the neon signs never turn off here. there are oceans inside of me." -pw nothing good has come from me staying. i want to burn every hallmark card and flower i have received because they only ever represented courtesy. i wish i could return my heart to God because it keeps breaking. i thought buying a warranty was a waste of money, but now i can't afford the repairment cost.
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  • MOVING ON

    by RosesAtSunset on June 19, 2010

    I just turned 17. I feel like I've been living three years too long, but shit, I guess I might as well keep going. I mean, for a little while longer at the least. I swear I'll smile like that again- with or without you. I've been destroying all of my defense mechanisms in order to actually face my "shadow side". It feels like I'm pressing my palm against crushed glass, but that the reaction is taking place all over my body.

    Yeah, you're handsome and I miss you, but I have more important things to deal with. I need to practice blowing bubbles, singing, dancing, smiling, laughing, telling silly jokes, and so much more. I have one more year in this town, and I plan to either light it up or burn it down. Either way, I'm going to shine brightly.

    "Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth - boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination." -Robert Fulghum

    I refuse to be the cowardly lion. I will now be the courageous penguin. Yeah, Oz ain't ever seen the likes of me. "17 and running up the stairs, my baby bear."

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  • statue

    by RosesAtSunset on May 31, 2010
    "Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within." -Sigmund Freud i wish i could get my heart to get it together. honestly, it's pulling in all directions and i can't afford to keep stitching and re-stitching. i don't want someone who's heart moves to the same rhythm. no, i'd just like a complimentary beat going on. i gotta stop watching those romantic comedies and reading those sappy quotations about love. i know it doesn't get me anywhere. "love is nothing more than an action" these days. some people are simply factories of love, but the actual (re)production is low. i need to be kinder. my nature is all wrong for the side worth fighting for. "i'm not your star. isn't that what you said? what you thought this song meant?" i wish i could just be replaced by a great revolutionary. i'm wasting all of the opportunity that i have been given. i'll do my best not to give up, but i'm the best bet to give up on.
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  • even fairytale characters would [have been] jealous

    by RosesAtSunset on April 28, 2010

    the world is a jumble of infinity. my head is about to split in two from the lack of comprehension. my duality as a person and as a star sign is really messing me up. even my yogourt had two sides to it! strawberry is to vanilla as good is to evil? yeah, i know. vanilla is not very fierce and strawberry is not that grand. i am just deflecting though. i hope you know that i am not as devoted to yogourt as i appear to be. i am not sure what to be devoted to, actually. los campesinos! has this one song that goes, "i'm so sorry to have put you through a lifetime of dedications that you never desired." and honestly, i don't know who the hell you are. i suppose that the opinions you are forming while reading this are just collateral. i don't understand how people can become so essential to one another. i know all about taming and such in a "le petit prince" sense, but why? i mean to say, why are people so influential to each other? holy shit, why the hell are you so fucking important? in conclusion, i am so sick of wanting what i cannot have that i am willing to accept having what i do not want. 

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  • weary

    by RosesAtSunset on April 18, 2010
    i used to be nomadic, but i've been here for so long. i thought that staying for people would ensure my stability. however, if you don't leave, they do. it's almost agony when somebody leaves you. when you leave, there is an empty space where that person once resided. when you get left, there is a blast of a bomb and they disappear. however, salvation always arrives in the strangest of ways. when you're on the tiled floor, somebody will come over and hold your hair back while you get sick. when you're on the brink, somebody will grab your hand and their palms will be soft. my heart feels like the moon. i've been losing touch with people. they probably think i hate them or something. i don't. i'm stretched thin and spaced out. i just gotta cement over these craters with indifference.
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