it really is a big hole in my chest sometimes. like a bombed out crater. it's falling rocks and waterfalls. like being trapped behind invisible glass banging fists but no sound no feeling. all of the things in my head are just that. 

if you really think about it what is breathing for? it's a scary notion but i wish i could break through it all. not gone but here. all eyes and lips moving. bursts of laughter and feeling like a hard earned warmth. 

love is the middle and the end. 

hey, maybe i'll start writing again.

we live in an era of decadence, don't we? we spend time pining for what we cannot have while the things we love are wasting away slowly. one day, everything we love will be gone and we will still be pining. this is from the heart, nothing less. i looked for validation wherever i went and found it. sadly, validation is temporary whereas confidence is permanent. strength should not be relative, it should fixed inside of you. it should not be shaken by anything external.

honestly though, we are not strong. we are determined. determination is better. strength CAN falter because nobody can keep it together all the time. determination means continuing on even when you are not strong. and remember, it is going to happen a lot. you are falling apart slowly, but fuck it. take what you need, leave what you don't, and keep going. "why?" because why the hell not? what's the other option? crying in your room all night, smoking tons of weed, drinking till your sick? fuck it all. let it hurt. let it tear your to pieces. but keep going.

and i know this sounds stupid, but it isn't for you. this is for me to remember, for me to feel better. because i don't feel better. and if we're being honest again, i wish i was in love with someone who was in love with me too. but i'm not ready for that. i'm too messed up. i want to be independent. i want to be okay with being lonely.

love is a disaster; loneliness is a desert.

i want to conquer both

reddit is just full of saps and judgemental pricks, but whatever. i think we all fall under both of those categories.

"I'll tell you one thing -- I don't live for 'happiness.' Happiness seems like the most ridiculous thing to strive for, and it baffles me every time someone cites it as a life 'goal.' Happiness is fleeting; absolutely no state of mind is permanent, and living your life to obtain high Dopamine levels seems dishonest and avoidant.

I don't know exactly what I'm living for. Creating order, analyzing, giving meaning to things and creating meaning for others. Those sound like the best to me. We live in chaos, and if we can find significance in the chaos, either by embracing it or simplifying it, that seems right. And rewarding."

-JustAnOod, reddit user.

people are cursed with consciousness. it complicates things and overshadows the fact that we're all just here to fuck. people are scared of this fact- they trick themselves into thinking that they are here for more. humanity is an accident of evolution- given too much but, at the same time, not enough.

our aspirations will be our greatest downfall. love is a chemical reaction and hope is a survival mechanism.

and to think, i used to be a romantic. now, i simply exist. i try to examine the structure of time but i don't have the mental capacities to ever understand. i try to side with objectivity but i'm cursed too. i'm not special, just painfully aware. my teeth tear apart my mouth but there is no solution. the drugs have bored me to the point where i stay sober all the time. sobriety is a lot easier than i thought it would be.

there is no great revelation.

it's a strange feeling. there were green sheets on his bed and my underwear was also green. the grass outside was very green because the driveway had a pink tint to it. i didn't feel anything, but he was kind. maybe i just like them mean. in fact, maybe i am a little mean. beyond the big smile and big eyes there is just a big bad person. no one takes me seriously so i get away with it. it's nice sometimes. i slept in my friend's bed last night- he had rough, patterned sheets- and he tried so hard but i just didn't want to. he touched me and tried but i felt bored and sleepy. overall, life is good. i have a nice family, lots of nice friends, a nice dog, and my school and work are both going well. it's just me that's messed up. it broke my heart last night to hear my friend's girlfriend break down- "i just try so hard and he walked away without me" she cried. she's a great girl. i love my friend, but he could have been more sensitive to her feelings. she was being irrational, but that's what booze and love does to a girl. i'm not good at being close to people. 

here's some kanye west for ya.

"On a bathroom wall I wrote:

'I'd rather argue with you than to be with someone else.'

I took a piss and dismiss it like fuck it and I went and found somebody else.

Fuck arguing or harvesting the feelings, I'd rather be by my fucking self

Till about 2am and I call back and I hang up and start to blame myself."

i miss people who don't deserve to be missed. they kindled my fire but now i'm only ash.

it's cold outside and my throat is torn up. i'm not sure what to say because nobody's really listening, so i can say anything i want. it's hard to choose with so many expressions available to me. it's not about what you want to hear. it's not even about what i want to say! it's not about anything. i smile at people and they smile back. sometimes they're mean and sometimes i'm mean back. i'm sure there's someone out there who'll cup my face and tell me i'm beautiful, but it's nobody i know right now. there isn't much i can do. i'm going to lie down