felt like a soldier home walking home today. took me about an hour, and it was pouring. i'm frozen and everything is even more than sore because i had just finished a field hockey game. i'm getting better at walking away coz i dont really care. everything is going wrong and i'l completely fine with it all. i refuse. i wish i could talk about how lousy people can be sometimes, but i kind of wanna talk about how right they can be too. the lousy kind of right, but i still dig it. i moved back into my head coz it has the feel of a busy coffee shop and i'm pretty broke right now, so i guess mental coffee is better than nothing. i'm honestly doing pretty damn well. i just gotta work on sleeping on time and all that crap. i'm in grade eleven chemistry next semester, i'm trying to get all my sciences to fuck off as fast as possible. i'm glad that goddamn reach-ahead course i did over the summer came to some good. i dont care what anyone says, i'm betting on the earthworm because he has morals.

it used to hurt to be kicked in the ribs and slammed against a wall but i'm just too fight club for the world now. i'm too sore to care about how youre not really sorry and you wont ever be. i wish this was a metaphor for my head or heart or something, but i'm all black and blue. oh not the sad blue; the calm blue which hurts when i touch it. arthur currie seems really awesome, he totally owned the first world war and apparently canada really helped out the allies. i cant really say though, since it might be because i'm reading a canadian history textbook and you know how people are and can be when they wont be opposed. i love studying for history but i absolutely hate science projects. even though i get to dress up as an angel tree and talk about deforestation. history is something that proves to you that things could be much worse. science is something that proves to you that things are going to be much worse.

its the beat when two cars come together. you have no goddamn idea and i'm so fucking cool right now. even my ego is bigger than you are, douchebag. i hate it when somebody gives me music that i end up really liking, 3OH!3

woke up about an hour ago feeling a bit like a veteran, of which war i cant say. theres a few old sayings about how your head can be a plane to anywhere you wanna go. but the places i want to see, i have never seen before. i'm no jumper but i have the tact. i'm not sure what i'm saying, really. theres not a point to anything but we're still stabbing away. i'm only covered in bruises.

scorpion vs. pride, but only one can defy logic and make sure you "never back down." this is me totally walking away, poisoned as hell. i'm always riding shotgun for the underdog, coz nobody else wanted to and you know how bad that can make somebody feel. i'm tired of being stuck in my "bad moment." i wanna be holden. well, i meant to say golden, but that works too. right now, i'm just dragging along and i'm losing like hell. i dont know anymore. growing up is possibly the worst punishment ever. try it sometime, it really fucking sucks. you go crazy and alienate the first person you ever really liked. you go crazy and wreck all your opportunities. you fucking fix everything and still feel the same. you start going crazy again. i want it to change. i wish they could invent angst-off, it's worse than those little black bugs that try to fly into your eyes. in the epic internal war of every human being between the head and the heart, who will win control of the mouth this time? it could either go vimy or somme.

you cant imagine how badly i need people to be there for me and how badly i wish they'd actually think about me once in a while and how much it hurts that you cant stand to see this stupid face of mine. i wanna be somebody else so i can talk to you again. it's so stupid to think about this after what you said but i'm so fucking stupid like that, yknow? i can talk to everyone but you. and even if all the planets crashed into each other, that stupid star of yours would still stay a million miles away from where i am. that's why i really understand why you want to keep it that way. i want to keep it that way too. so this is all about nothing but i'm caring so much. i dont like other fish and i dont like the sea and i dont like you. i just need a bit of sleep and reassurance and somebody to ask me how i am so i can tell them that i'm doing alright. this isnt in my stupid head. my grades are beyond great but i'm honestly so stupid, you can imagine it. but chill, i wont try anything stupid like making faces at you when you walk by me while looking at me through your peripheral view. i know better and i'd rather play red rover.

i'm just going to leave you alone because i was pretty much in love with you and i have to stop thinking of ways to get you to care about me again and i still think you're pretty and i hope that you're doing well and i hope you get better at avoiding me because right now you're really bad at it and i'm sorry for being such a creep but not really because i was just being the way i am and if you dont like that then you dont like me and i dont like you anymore because you turned out to be unextraordinary, so bye, and oh your eyes are shit compared to the sky, no offense.

i'm still passing a bottle back and forth outside late into the night, but this time it's green apple soda. i'm crazy and i may have a solution to how much i hate you. though these things require a bit of thought and i dont think about you anymore. i should think about what i really want and the means i really need to get it. i'm not going to force myself though. i'll figure it out when it's really important. i hope, atleast. i'm young and there are still possibilities that life wants to dance with me. i just gotta swing things the right way. and according to truth, it's never too late. but you gotta know that means it's never too early either.

you look like christmas morning, so it looks like i'm going to be sleeping in. fuck blue, it's all about orange now. and the two should never be allowed to come together to break my little old heart. blue was a person. orange is a colour. i'm happy in headache format.

i look like the michelin tires lady in all my field hockey gear. it's pretty fun, but all the goalie equipment is crap since this is the first time we've had this sport at my school. we may be getting some new stuff though. i hope so. i think gained some r-e-s-p-e-c-t from the team by actually being able to block shots. i am craaaazy sore and unbelieeeeevably sick. except for my health being in such shabby shape, i'm glowy. i dont care for [people] like you, but you don't care anyway.