nobody really wants to see dirty laundry but they always steal pages out of diaries. it's the same. i'd rather see an empty journal, just like i'd rather see the lipstick washed off that collar. no updates. it's starting to work. my bestfriend's gone. woak. i guess i'm my own better half. whatever. shit doesn't reach the middle of the ocean. and i'm too tired to give a fuck about anything. just no.

i don't want to have to pretend to like people anymore. public relations. i keep my radar on full blast at all times. so i don't miss anything. any body language that might lead to something more or less. makes me paranoid, though prepared. i'm tired of you. but mostly, i'm tired of me. any story i read.. fuck it. i'm through. i had this huge monologue planned about how stories are just hopes and tragedies dipped in ink. but whatever. you already know. and i'm too tired. right, sorry. i should have all the energy in the world. because i'm a teenager and teenagers have everything. we're undeserving assholes though, right? sure. i'm done. this is where i know. i don't fucking need them. i don't fucking need you. maybe i did before. hell, i wouldn't have made it through without you. but not anymore. perfection doesn't last. so i chose metal. anything you said wasn't real. but that's no fucking problem. because i'm a blurry pedestrian in the movie of my life(starringyouinsteadofme). i don't want or need anything to do with anyone anymore. and i'm doing just fine, thank you. get the fuck off this page now.

i can't smile at will anymore. and i have nothing to smile about. make me laugh about everything that went wrong. because i can't with this nausea taking over my stomach. hey, listen to mrs. potter's lullaby by counting crows. fuck everyone who never loved me enough. fuck me for loving everyone too much. slowly sawing through the chains of unconditional love. sending every gasoline truck to this bridge. just in time for the fuse to burn out. what's it like knowing soon you'll be completely alone? and being too scared to ask one person who seems to be the other half. kindoflike the best friend who never showed up to your first playdate. what the fuck is that like? until i find out. i'll walk around downtown holding God's hand. because no one else will. it's kindoflike being the odd one out in a group activity. but an ocean away. Sir. my partner's absent. and doesn't need me anyways. what's it like having a sign on your heart saying, 'under construction'? so everyone walks by and wonders what it will look like when it's finished. i know what it'll look like. it will be metal and cold. terrible for the environment. butnooneknowsbutme. i'm invisible though. that wrecking ball would go straight through me. don't cry.

'hi, my name is charlie bartlett and i am no longer a virgin.' go see Charlie Bartlett. it's absolutely amazing. i'm going to see it as many times as i can. i finally got a hold of Donnie Darko. twisted shit, right there. it was sobeautiful. i had a pretty good day today. a friend came over. we went to starbucks, we rented movies, we bought a shitload of candy. we rode busses around the city. we watched Charlie Bartlett and ate saltandvinegar flavoured popcorn. we got sugar high and still drank way too much pop. we laughed too hard in the movie theatre. this bus driver gave her a free day pass because of me. it was her(the driver's) last day before her vacation to Barbados. i didn't need one, i had a bus pass. then we came to my house and shdjhsaklh. crashed a high. she made me watch The Big Lebowski. which is a really slow-moving and idiotic movie. her mom came. and they made fun of my new eyes. they left. i watched Donnie Darko one and a quarter times. i have a headache right now. i don't like her very much. enough. but not much. she doesn't hear a word i say. she's too busy planning on telling me all these random facts that i don't need to know. and she repeats them. over. and over. i love my eyes. both pairs. but this new pair is golden. really. tomorrow. please don't come. i hurt my wrist. caught right-handed. this girl asked me about The Perks Of Being A Wall Flower. i told her it was about infinity. and it is. i'm through with drive-by smiles. my heart's decided to pollute society. switchingtogasoline. and 'fuck you's. i just wanna close my eyes right now. wake up in.. read Fight Club. there was a book before the movie. i swear. blueblueblue. it's everywhere now. in the sky. in the water. inhiseyes. under my skin. i'm living red though; with bloodshot eyes and a racing heart. true dreams, yea.

'hey, what's it like being invisible?' idontknowidontknow. half a second of painful blue-eyed contact, i'm/it's/he's not that important. insecurity has been tattoed to my forehead, but i drew over it with a 'fuck you' and i keep my eyes stuck to the floor. breathing slow in the dark, telling myself how many times how many people have felt and not cared about all this. welcome to "whatever" and "i miss you" on a blind date. matchmaker, matchmaker. help me burn up western civilization. oh palm reader, if i paint my hands baby blue. will i have a better chance? or will i only be able to draw the sky. which is better in the end? an artist's hand or a lover's hand? but no, you don't have any answers. eyes stained with the green/d of money can't tell the future. i know this is belated. but [i] love you back. be my valentine?

"One last question, the Mariana Trench is the world's greatest ocean depth... what is the relevance of the name for the band? Well it's relevant as far as this: When Matt and I were sieging the fortress of Saint Marie, we faced our own mortality. WE lost many brave soldiers out there that fateful day. Then we decided to get on a bus and teach children to read. Which was definitely a challenge because I myself, don't read. But I am a proud member of the Reading Rainbow. OH wait, that's IRRELEVANCE. " lmfao. http://www.mindyourmind.ca/personal-stories/celebrity-gallery/marianas-trench.asp

i watched Sunshine. it's making me shake with the cold. making my skin uneven. ironically. i want to be an astronaut. if i got laser eye surgery i could. it would be so beautiful. how insignificant would i be? in front of the earth. away from sins and success. a spectator of the world. 'slap five with God.' i want an epic summer. with bestfriends, beaches, and sunshine. i want heaven melting on my hands, making them all sticky. i want nights that last into mornings. but in the end. i know what kids like me deserve. i'm probably going back to India this summer. i'm excited. it's been four years. i want to go to the Taj Mahal. i want visit my old bestfriend in Agra. most of all, i want to see my family. oh and i want to beat up my old babysitter for ever laying a hand on me. here's a 'fuck you' from me to you, bitch. i want to see cows roaming the streets. i want busy marketplaces. close enough, right? ahah. fell into a river and didn't want to get out. didn't want to drown. so i closed my eyes. and lay on my back. the water flowed sweet everythings into my ears. and promised me its support. i can't wait to see where it takes me!

i'm done. i'm through. fuck you. if you want me. you come and get me. the thrill of the chase is gone. and i hate anything that makes me smile. my insides are copper. i'dkilltomakethemgold.

bought myself a new pair of eyes to change the colour of my soul from shit to honey. they're dry. but they look nice. the dilemma. 'whatever happens, happens.' here's to hoping. he was blank. his face was absolutely empty. but that's no problem. fuck it all. i'm just so, so sorry.

serial number: fuckyou. i can't commit to a thing. be it heart or hospital.