'i wanna be an astronaut and get high.' i hate desperation. no, my love. you don't need a significant other to live. that's just poetry. it's not meant to be taken seriously. stopcallingme. idon'tcareaboutyou. or your 'brokenheart'. time passes from checkpoint to checkpoint with faces as red flags. and the feelings are just collateral damage. i have a large amount of patience and irritation because of this. oscar wilde. charles schluz. vincent van gogh. chuck palahniuk. and my guilty favourite, stephenie meyer. i'm attempting charles dickins.. but really, it's very difficult. bright eyes. playradioplay! the academy is... brand new. the smashing pumpkins. panic! at the disco. and my 'fuckyou' favourite, fall out boy. hindu prayer beads around my neck. 8gb iPod. RED krzr phone. expensive books. unused psp and xbox. visit to bestfriend. i am not used to getting nearly everything i ask for. thank you. 'i am alone in this bed, house and head.' books replace company. movies replace laughter. music replaces conversation. locked doors replace feelings. 'my attendance is bad, my intentions are good.' i'm sorry i hurt anybody. i'm just too tired to censor the responses to people that don't matter. because really. look at this anonymous message i got. "stop being so grumpy towards the people that didn't do anything to you. your attitude towards us is truly not fun, what did we ever do to you??" and here's what i replied with. "ahahaha. well, maybe you're just terribly annoying. i have no reason to apologize to you because you don't have the guts to say this to my face." in retrospect i wish i'd been eight times meaner. but in hindsight, i'm glad i wasn't. this time is heavy. i wonder if i'll look back on it with jealousy or relief. translation, will things get better or worse? 'i'm a stitch away from making it. and a scar away from falling apart.'

' Everybody loves an underdog. ' nobody really cheers for the snobs. if i wasn't so small. and if i didn't have old lady hands, i'd go around punching everybody. it's just one of those days. i'm very irritated and not in the mood for bullshit. oh, how their noses would snap. and i scream for the sunlight. or a car to take me anywhere. i haven't had to move anywhere yet. this is exactly what i wanted. i never knew staying was worse than leaving. decoraaaaaaationnn. decoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayaaaaation. decoraaaaaaaaaaaaayayaaaaaaaaaation. i am perfectly capable of breaking hearts. it's so tempting. to turn my gentle hand into a fist. to crush their insides in terrifying ways. i am secretly a monster of the grandest proportions. mascarading as a small, shallow-minded, somewhat easy-on-the-eyes youth. i have set my boundaries like checkpoints disguised as barricades. i cannot hurt you. but you cannot come in past a point. all my faces are alibis. iamamachine.iamamachine.iamamachine.iamamachine.iamamachine.iamamachine.iamamachine.iamamachine. ' I'm just trying to stop the bleeding. '

hahaha. the second bass amp was missing so I had to pretend to play. good thing too, i did not know the song too well. i did my hair up in a half ponytail and put a big red bow in it. i also wore a lot of blush. i brought the bass home on the local bus. i crashed into the doorway a couple of times just like in those cartoons. aha. after the christmas assembly, me and ten other people skipped the rest of the school day and walked to the strip mall. it wasn't bad. i bought the Bright Eyes CD, 'Letting Off the Happiness'. i sat and listened to it in the music room at my school while i waited for the bus. conor oberst is amazing. the entire CD is awfully wonderful. time is never time at all. i am very tired, but i am going to stay awake so i won't have extra trouble at night. 'If Winter Ends' by Bright Eyes is how i feel at this time. in other news, I got a cellphone. a product RED krzr. i like it very much. presently, i am well. just very tired. in a sea of brothers, i long for lovers.

almost at the first checkpoint of the year. i don't know what i'm supposed to prove. two more days. my back is breaking. really. i can barely breathe, i hurt my back terribly. i don't know. it hurts to move. things are happy and sad at the same time. i can deal. i've crawled home from worse than this. bring it on. i can take it. i want to be able to sleep tonight though. it would be a nice perk. a nice change from the nights spent with myself. last night was spent in the tub in my bathroom making up skits with myself. rejecting boys who would never ask me in the first place. talking to boys that make me stutter. meeting my heroes. telling off my enemies with a grace my tongue would kill for. you know, the usual bathtub dreams. knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door. i don't care anymore. you're so sensitive. i am, i am a machine.

you don't answer your window anymore because you have goals desperation to set your watch by as i stand still between the crossroads of 'ever'

haha. my sound works again. the love is seeping through my metal casing. all the screws are coming loose. (or does that mean i'm crazy?) 'fill your heart with love, so the hate won't be able to get in.' said my first grade teacher. i guess this would be a form of that. liquid metal gets rejected by your internal organs. and love conquers all. fuck your logic. i really don't care. je sais pas la quantité d'amour qui reste dans mon système. et je sais même pas combien du temps qu'il va durer. embrace the advantages you've been giving when your disadvantages aren't fixable. once again. easier said than done.

whimsical__reverie, i understand.

there's a slight (big) difference between 'wow, that kid is messed up' and 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' it's sad how you end up loving a person's faults if you idolize and/or adore them. i think the reason you fall in love with a person is because of their faults. everyone has a preferred brand. really. it's not what is good about somebody. it's what is wrong with them that counts. it's no big deal to have the same problem as somebody. the amount of people in the world outnumbers the amount of issues by atleast a couple billion. i'm getting five minutes of so-so company for an hour of freezing agony. friendship and 'fuck you' are under the same category. and the latter falls of the lips with a sophisticated vehemence. horror movie shower scenes are pretty lame. usually a nerve-shattering disappointment. a good way to tell if you're changing perspective is to listen to a CD you haven't heard in a while. the lyrics are much easier to understand. i'm sorry i don't know most of the 'classics' they play at some hockey game substitutions. i don't listen to the beatles, war or other 'classics' i do love johnny cash though. if not only for the way his name rolls off the tongue. i listen to fall out boy for the pure reason that i love them. i don't care if you think they suck of if they're selling out. i also listen to bright eyes, dashboard confessional, something corporate, brand new, the early november, gym class heroes, the hush sound, playradioplay!, taking back sunday, the spill canvas, etc. it's in the ear of the believer. fuck your 'classics'. i'll listen to anything that makes my heart throb, instead of my head. my desperate loneliness and lack of sympathy is dangerous. i'm not a good person to be close to. i'm not a good person to be around. but in general, i'm a good person. set my sky ablaze.

http://www.songmeanings.net/journal.php?uid=17225785 ahahahaha. finally, somebody bitching about journals in a creative and funny way. Dude, you made my day. short, fast and loud.

well, hello, hello. what have we here? i could tell you exactly what. but those who know, they know. those who don't are skeptical. you gotta feel it to believe it. but then, this might classify as complaining. which might result in a returning complaint by an idiotic skeptic. which is exactly what i want. try me, baby. i want to rip somebody to shreds. 'my smile's an open wound without you' i finally understand what he meant by that. i kept plugging every available opening. it finally reached my mouth. i can't smile without fear of a leakage. a smile feels so weird when you don't love. this isn't something a bandaid can fix. this isn't something that can be kissed better. the skin keeps growing tougher. as much as i wish there was a way to put a stop this. and as much as i hate to admit. i'm afraid. love can't save you now.