Alot has happened. Where to begin... So a couple weeks ago I started hearing things about him not caring about me anymore, him not wanting anything to do with me, and him not wanting to be with me. Plus he was really short with me, we barely talked and people would come up to ME and ask ME if he and kim were back together. So i texted him and told him obviously this isn't what you want so goodbye, thankyou for wasting my time. and he told me that I didn't try either. Which reallyyy pissed me off. Ever since B, i always try because I don't want to only have myself to blame when things go bad. So one thing led to another and he told me to grow up. So I called him an asshole. Things calmed down a bit after that and he told me that he still thought i ignored his texts and we agreed to hang out and talk about it. He came over that friday after the game and kissed me and told me he made up his mind, he wants to be with me, hes 110% sure and all this stuff so, big shocker, i fell for it. Last saturday a huge group of us went camping and we hung out there. And snuck off to the tent where we did stuff, or he did stuff, for awhile till kel walked in on us haha. And he told me he wanted me. I asked him mentally or physically and he said both. He told me he's so attracted to me. And we promised to always be honest with eachother and i asked him to let me know if he ever changes his mind about his decision. I'm so crazy about him it sucks. It sucks not having the upper hand, and knowing i'll never have it again. I am no longer in control. Later that night we passed out. And i think it was just me him and kel in the tent. In the middle of the night he randomly grabbed me and would cuddle me & then change positions and cuddle me a different way. & he'd stick his hands between my legs to warm his hands up and then i'd be awake. haha. The next day he gave me shit for smoking a prime time. One little one. He told me "i'm not mad, i just dont think a beautiful girl like you should ruin her cute healthy lungs like that" so i told him i wouldn't anymore. It kinda reminded me of the time he texted me randomly telling me never to get in the car with strangers and to call him if i everrr needed a ride cause he had heard about his sisters friend. So cute. When i'm in his arms, I have never felt safer in my whole life. When i'm in his arms, I feel like nothing can harm me. Not even him. I wish i had that feeling constantly like i used to. I'm still so scared hes gunna hurt me. My friend told me today that he was talking locker room smack again saying he didn't really wanna be with me and all this stuff. And i start thinking i can do this, i can be fine without him, i'll just confront him about it. I kinda freaked out. And then he texts me later saying hey gorgeous. Andddd we've gotten no where. I really hope its just that, locker room smack. Cause he's said stuff like that before and hasn't meant it. "My heart beats faster, I hear your name I feel my confidence slippin' away I thought I was doin' fine 'Bout to get you off my mind I see your face and then I'm Wrapped around your pretty little finger again It feels like ages since you laid down in my arms I see no good reason but still I'm tangled in your charms My God, you're smilin' and you catch my eye My heart is pounding deep inside I thought I was doin' fine 'Bout to get you off my mind I see your face and then I'm Wrapped around your pretty little finger again"

He told me he loved me the other night. And I know I shouldn't of, but I couldn't help but say it back. He said "i know it's tough for you to believe me, but i love you." Ahhh (: Have I lost my mind? I love him. For some reason whenever I think about him, theres always one memory that stands out. One night we had a really bad storm and all the streets to his house were flooded so he stayed the night. And we stayed up until 3 in the morning talking and screwing around and watching the food network make sushi in the Iron Chef competition. I miss that night everytime I think about it. And going in there to wake him up and just lay in bed with him before his mom came to get him. I think that was the night too that he dozed off, drooling on my arm, and I didn't even care. And when he woke up he pounced on me. He told me he had a dream about us "making love". For some reason I always looked back on that night and would miss it like crazy. Well, the other night at a party I was sitting with him on a couch in Damian's dark living room and I told him I missed his arms. (His arms are a thing of pure beauty, let me tell you mmm mmm mmm) He told me he had missed so much about me. He told me he missed watching my shows with me. And when I said my shows? He's like yeah those sushi cooking shows. God, I melted. There are so many memories. When I went over to his house and he showed me the freeway over his back wall. My green booty shorts and how we spent that whole night laying & next morning in his bed while a party was going on downstairs. Fourth of July. When he first told me he was falling in love with me. The night I made him watch So You Think You Can Dance with me but he definitely got a reward. The night at Kelseys house, on her balcony. The most amazing kiss ever. The many many nights i took him home at 3/4 o'clock in the morning. Prom How he would send me random cute texts. Man, I miss those. When I went to the bathroom and found him sitting on my bed with my hat and my sunglasses on. Beating him in cards & teaching him to shuffle. How I always made him food. & that one time he didn't want me to and he kept picking me up and dragging me back to the bed. The night he told me he wanted a kati sandwhich and he picked me up and took me to my room and put me down on the bed and we made out in the dark. Making out in my car. Him singing in my car. Our wishes at 1 o'clock. Making out against my car. How he would be "hot" and take off his shirt & let me keep it. How I tried on every one of his sweatshirts to let him know which one was the best. When I put on his football pads. When I was making his food, he tried to do a spin and fell against the wall knocking this decorative thing all cock-eyed. So funny. How we could never make it through a movie. Theres so many i'm forgetting still. All this is just making me want to hang out with him sooooo badly. Only 2 more days. Hopefully. Man i love him. "That old t-shirt you wear to bed Hangin' off your shoulder by a thread The one you ripped off me when we first met Still feels good That old familiar song blarin' from my car We know every note, every word by heart Puts a smile on your face 'cause you know it's ours And it still feels good Your fingers hooked around my belt loops Leanin' up against my ride Remember that first time I touched you It doesn't matter I've held you a million times Oh, and it still feels good"

And. He was wearing white vans with black laces. Which looked so damn cute on him. I didn't want to forget that either.

So I went over to his house thursday after work and we talked for about an hour. I don't want to forget anything so i'm putting it all down. He said he was jealous of B. Cause there was a picture of us on my wall from 5 years ago. And I told him that those new picture frames I got, ALL I was looking forward to was putting a picture of me and him in one. He had no response. I told him that that, of all things, was something he should of talked to me about. He said he was scared he'd get too attached to me and then i'd go off to college. He said he regretted it the second he did it. He said I was all he thought about at football camp. He said I was all he thought about all the time. He said he couldn't look at the pictures on his mom's camera cause our prom pictures were on there. He said he was stupid and he was so happy when he was with me. He said he wondered what it would be like if we were still together. He said he would wait for me forever. "Take as long as you need. I'll be right here. Right here." I told him i'd need some time to think about it. And we were standing there hugging & I was thinking about how happy I was that he came back to me and how scared out of my fucking mind I am that he'd leave me again. So I whispered in his ear "I'm scared." and he said I'm Sorry. I almost started to cry and when we pulled away I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't look at him and he could tell. He asked me if I was okay and i nodded and he said promise and I stuck out my middle finger to cross his. I still love him. SO much. I'm so scared he's gunna leave me again. I can't do that again. Am I stupid for going back to him? I told him the next day I wanted to be with him and we both agreed to take things slow. I just want to know we're going to be okay. And happy again. It killed me to be around him again but he was still able to put that stupid huge ass smile on my face. I just want to be with him and happy again. More than anyything in the world. All I can do is hope. "Baby you're a wrecking ball Crashing into me Nothing I can do but fall Piece by piece You broke down every part of me That ever thought I'd never need you, baby It's twisted, messed up And the more I think about it It's crazy, but so what I may never understand it I'm caught up and I'm hanging on I wanna love you even if it's wrong Everybody's telling me, I'm over my head If they don't feel you loving me They all say that I've gone crazy Maybe, but it's too late now to save me I'm too tangled It's twisted, messed up And the more I think about it It's crazy, but so what I may never understand it I'm caught up and I'm hanging on I wanna love you even if it's wrong"

Well, today was my last first day of high school. Didn't see him. Thank god. I'm pretty sure he saw me though. My friend saw him walking with his ex. And he's got a class with her. When I found that out I felt like shit. He texted me as I was closing at work. And the conversation led to "I know it doesn't mean anything but I never should of broke up with you." AHHHH! I'm a constant wreck. I'm trying to act like i'm okay constantly. But I meant it when I said I couldn't see myself with anyone else. I let him have the best of me and now that part of me is completly missing. I know thats terrible but its true. Even if I got over him, I doubt I could give myself to another guy like I did him. I'm scared. I asked him why he did it then and he said "It sounds dumb but it was just stress I had alot going on at that time and i didnt wanna put you to the side" STRESS? You wanna fucking tell me about stress. Try having (in a week & a half) The one person you gave yourself to completely break up with you, your uncle in the hospital, drama at work, getting caught by your parents, your best friend stab you in the back, and your car breaking down. Then we can talk about your "stress". God, just when I was starting to do a little better. Why why why why why? Everything happens for a reason. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. "I'm not the type to get my heart broken I'm not the type to get upset and cry Cause I never leave my heart open Never hurts me to say goodbye Relationships don't get deep to me Never got the whole in love thing... This time was different, felt like I was just a victim And it cut me like a knife, when you walked out of my life Now I'm in this condition And I've got all the symptoms Of a girl with a broken heart But no matter what, you'll never see me cry I didn't give it to you on purpose Can't figure out how you stole my heart"

Well, I look like a fool. He broke up with me about a week ago. And i've been a walking disaster. Maybe I was in lust. I don't know why I waited a week to do this. I think I couldn't face it. No, it was the fact that if I did it, then it would be real. God i'm a wreck. Ughhh, and the worst part is he doesn't even CARE. He didn't sound sorry. He doesn't want to be friends. He doesn't care at all. Thank the good lord above I didn't sleep with him. He tried to about two nights before he broke up with me. And I told him no cause he was drunk and I had been drinking and that wasn't how I wanted my first time to go down. And we talked about it the next day and he told me he wasn't mad about it. But i've heard from my guy friends he was. Maybe that was just locker room talk? I don't wanna think of him as that type of guy. Part of me wishes I would of, cause then maybe he wouldn't of broken up with me. But then again maybe he still would of been unhappy. I cried the whole first day. But right now, i can't manage a single tear. He turned me into a girl I had never been before. And I was okay with that cause I was happy. God i'm so dumb. I know everything happens for a reason. I know this is how its meant to be. But I just want him to come back. I admit, i'd be skeptical if he did and i'd have my guard up. But maybe thatd be a good thing. Maybe thats how it was supposed to be the first time. Ughh it doesn't matter though, cause thats not happening. I don't know how to start over. I don't know how to deal with a broken heart. I've never had to before. I've always had another guy to turn to. (Which is terrible, I know) Maybe i'm being taught a lesson. Like, i've done this to too many guys so now I get to know what it feels like. I miss him like crazy. All I want to feel is him holding me again. "I've talked to friends talked to myself I've talked to God, I prayed like hell but I still miss you, I've tried sober I've tried drinkin I've been strong and I've been weak and I still miss you, I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to I'd give anything for one more minute with you.. I still miss you,I still miss you baby I never knew till you were gone how many pages you were on Well it never ends I keep turnin them, line after line you're there again Well I dont know how to let you go You're so deep down in my soul I feel helpless so hopeless Its a door that never closes No I don't know how to do this"

I think i've offically lost my mind. For multiple reasons. One of them being him. But, I guess, losing my mind in a good way. I used to be the kind of girl who thought it was rediculous to be "in love" after a month and a half. But I really do love him. He's perfect in almost everyway. And I think what I love most about him (okay, well maybe not the most cause theres alot but...) is the fact that he doesn't pressure me. We've had sleep overs twice now and haven't had sex yet. Had it been probably anyyy other guy i know, he would of at least tried. And would of been upset when he didn't get what he wanted. But not my boy (: Oh my god, what did I do to get so lucky? Not that I don't want to. Cause I do. I get turned on by him very easily and its tough. But I do still (proudly) have my V-Card and we both agreed it would have to be the right time. Again, how lord, did I get so lucky. I think he reads my mind sometimes. Or my subconsious mind. Like things I used to dream about years ago that my boyfriend would do for me one day, he does. I don't know how he does it. And its all the little things. He gives me footrubs, he gets hyper with me and screws around, i leave to go to the bathroom and I come back to find him saying "look im a frog!", he wants to go to a d-backs game with me, and a suns game, he says THE most PERFECT thing at THE most PERFECT time, our one o'clock wishes where we wish the same thing, he drives the hottest old chevy truck. Okay, I have to stop myself or i'll go on. I can't believe im gunna say this cause once again, I was never this kind of girl; I leave tuesday for a week and im going to go nuts without him. Wow, I really do love him. And it makes me really scared to lose him. Which is weird. Because it happened so fast, I kind of expected myself to get sick of him after a little while. Cause I seem to do that. But I didn't at all. Mmmm, now I miss him. And I saw him 2 days ago. Am I crazy? (: I can't breathe when you touchin me I can't breathe when you're talk to me I Suffocate when you're away from me So much love you take from me Im going out of my mind

Well, I have a new boyyy (: He's amazing. Everything I could ask for and more. I'm afraid we might be moving a little fast but at the moment, I don't really care. We started talking, 4 days later we were making out the whole night and a week after that we were going out. Oh, & going to prom together this weekend. Fast, I know, but I really really like him. I still can't help but think about the past. I think I have a really big problem with that. I honestly can't even go to K's myspace with out my heart aching. B knows im with C. And if he doesn't well he's an idiot. K doesn't though. I really really need to get over them though. C's helping. ALOT. But i get this feeling and I know, I hurt K big time. And that kills me. Maybe thats why I feel this way. Cause he didn't deserve that. God, why do i do that! I'm terrible. Maybe one dayyy.... no. I shouldn't even think about that. Should I tell K everything? That would probably only make things worse. Well, goodnight. "trees sway, seasons change and so did my heart we bend ‘til we break and then we fall apart you made your point and i rest my case my dear, you’re just a little bit too late"