It's been a good 5 months. I'm pretty off and on about this thing. But I think it helps me... we'll see. Alot has happened. After my last one, I found out B wouldn't make things official with me because I am "uncapable of holding an intelligent conversation." And after weeks and weeks of being blown off by him and hearing that from multiple people, we had a big conversation where he told me he had actually avoided hanging out with me because of my ditzyness and he didnt wanna be bored. So I told him I was done. But... like always I never can be truly done. So, we talked things out and decided to hang out over winter break and see how things go. So we hung out alot and hooked up and before i knew it we were together and things were actually good. And late feb maybe im not sure when it really was but I started talking to K again and starting liking him and then we went to the movies and we kissed. I felt guilty about it so I told him not to wait for me. Then things with B started getting worse and worse. We didnt hang out one weekend when we had plans to so he spent the whole night trying to make me jealous of him going "hot tubbin with the sophies". I didn't care. We got in a fight and things after that weren't the same. So I ended things. Time passed. Spring Break came. I hooked up with trouble. He found out. We both agreed we had been through the last go around with eachother. And then 2 days later he goes to my best friend saying he can't believe its really over and stuff. Then, last night. He and M got really drunk and decide to text my bestfriend who im with and they tell her how i fucked him over and all this stuff. M (who is a different story all on his own...) has no right to say that shit. Ughhhhh. I'm so confused. I don't wanna go back to him. I'm not going to. But mann. This sucks. Proms coming up soon. And it makes me think of last year... man time flies. I need to go to bed.

Well, I guess history has repeated itself. It's exactly the same as last time. Nothings changed. I thought it would be different this time. And the worst part is i still think that. I still come up with these crazy ideas that maybe he'll just go crazy and come he'll sweep me off my feet. I had a dream weeks ago. that i kissed him and it was and amazinggg kiss. and when i opened my eyes, it wasn't him. & i figured it out, hes not the guy i want him to be. and he wont ever be. im so done. god i wish i could do that. i know you dont mean to be mean to me cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong we belong

I want to be done with him. I wake up everyday telling myself that i'm done. And I almost make it through the day and then I get to sixth hour and just being around him is enough to do it. And he can be a dick but one word from him and im right back to where I started. Why can't I be done with him? There's gotta be a reason. I just wish I could figure it out. He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

K so to catch up, B messaged me not long after that last entry telling me he wasn't sure what he wanted but he didnt want to write anything off like he kind of did. & then he made a big effort to try to hang out with me the rest of the weekend and then he barely talked to me the whole time we were at a party. I don't get it. But I can't complain. I asked for this. I was at a party last sat and there was this guy there (another K. Yeah, I know, bad news right?) and he was totally "digging me" I guess and he totally wanted to hook up with me. Well I didnt let that happen. But I had a dream last night, one of those reallyyyy real ones. That B called me and left me a message saying how pissed he was that I like K and that i hooked up with him and all this nottt true stuff & how I was such a bitch and i'm always fucking with him & I can never make up my mind. Oh my god I freaked when I woke up this morning. I checked my voice mail. Ugh, I want a boy. ohhh well. My birthday's tuesday!!! happy 16 to meeee

This is starting to get to me. I don't know what im supposed to do. Do I keep acting like I care (but not too much) and keep being the sort-of-but-not-as-we-used-to-be-awkward friend? Or do I throw it all out there and care a bunch and try to hard and maybe get hurt or potentially look like the phsyco girl (which believe me i've looked like that enough) Or do I try to give up forever & forget which will last me a good 10 hours. I don't wanna ask him for fear of looking even dumber. I'm a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and i learned so much from it all but if I could go back and change it, I would in a heartbeat. At least then i could say I tried. Oh my god now i'm crying. I didn't try, I gave up. I had it sitting on a platter in front of me. But I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. This is the worst feeling ever. And the first time i've cried over a boy in a longg time. Actually, probably one of the first.

I really shouldn't go back and read these old ones anymore. I miss V. Not in a romantic way. I miss my friend V. :(

"I meant every word I said I never was lyin' when we talked in bed I'm retracin' every step in my head What did I miss back then? I was so, so misled" I dont get him. It sucks. He told me I really screwed things up and he didnt want anything "RIGHT NOW" What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is there maybe something in the near future? The far future? Never at all? I don't get it. You blame me for everything but obviously there was something that made me go for him. And there wouldn't even be a this time if it wasn't for last time. And I think we both know who to blame there. Ahh i'm so confused. "I'm waitin', waitin' for nothin' You're leavin', leavin' me hangin'"

So, it's the last night of summer and I feel I'm in need of a fresh, new start. So i'm getting everything off my chest tonight. And im too chickent to post it in a blog for all my friends to see so I figured on here. Here I go... 1. You are the one I always come back to. The one I can never get over no matter how close I am or how badly I want to. You keep me coming back for more, even if there wasn't much there in the first place. I know i've screwed everything so bad but I dont regret it for a minute cause it brought me to where I am now. "All you have to do is hold me And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be if you'll trust me, love me, let me, maybe, maybe I'm confusing as hell. Yeah I'm north and I'm south. And I'll probably never have it all figured out but what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this road without you. And I promise I'll try, I'll try to give you every little part of me. Every single detail you missed with your eyes. Then maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, maybe, maybe One day, we'll be together you'll need me, you'll see me compeltely. Every little thing, you'll need me, you'll love me, you'll love me" 2. You played your cards right, you sweet talked your into a hole. I don't feel bad anymore cause now I know the whole story. You played me and for some reason I don't care. You made me realize alot of things. And one of those being, you're not what I wanted. Apparently, I wasn't really what you wanted either. Thankyou. 3. I gave you alot. I know what I did didn't make sense to you but you still have alot of growing up to do. I hurt you, and you felt you had to get back at me for it. Thats what I get for dating a 1 year old. No you are not "talking to a wall" I'm a real human-being. With feelings. And you hurt them. Congratulations. I wish I could say I don't know what I saw in you. But I do. Everytime I see you, my heart aches but I could never forget what you did. 4. "You see your trap, you know I fell right through." I knew you weren't good. I let you decieve me. I hope I won't forget everything. Thanks for the memories. GOODBYE TO THE LAST THREE & HELLO TO NUMBER ONE? (you were the only one that ever mattered anyways)

These past few days are the best ones i've had in a while (: Thursday: Brothers baseball game with Kel & B. When Kel left it was just me & B talking. Just like old times. I felt like I had the old B back. The one who didnt have to act like a dick towards me around his friends. Friday: Supposed to hang out with K but he had some family issues and R was being dumb & C didn't wanna drive so I was bummed. But it ended up being really bomb. I hung out with my girls which i haven't done in so long and R&M came over. Those boys are so fun to hang out with. I think they were there till 4 in the morning. Saturday: Went shopping with Kel, Steph, K & C. Oh my lord sooo fun (: K kissed me on the top of the head. It was pretty cute. Saturday Night: Hung out with a bunchhh of people & had a pretty bomb night and ended up staying up all night playing guitar hero with kay. & Sunday: I slept alll dayyy & did minimal studing for finals. Speaking of I should probably start doing that right now. Well see ya! I really like K (:

I: Feel like I've been burning the candle from both ends. Miss my big brother and im scared for him cause he graduates soon. Miss my cousins. Dont want to grow up. Wish B cared about me the way he cared about her. (But he never has and never will) Wish I could actually for once get over B. Miss my iPod. Wish I had a better job so i could get more money to pay for and iPod & Phone. Am sick of annoying people. Am in the mood to meet new ones. Want to see K. Want my grades to be higher. I Also: Love my Life, my Friends, & my Family. & am happy to be alive. Even with alll that negitive, there is positive.