fucking screw up

wow a dark time those days were in my life look now with a clear sober mind on this small bit of the past how did i return to a state of normalcy mental hormonal emotional spiritual physical balance graffiti obviously, prefer the term street art, has become a healthy diversion reading has become a form of mental escape respect for body, meaning a raw vegan diet (and asher is complete history) write sing read dream knit watch walk journal jam breathe the poetry of the everyday be cool past self be lasting present self be merciful future self

even though the fridge is bare and we are basically eating dirt at this point, my dad still drags his sorry ass out the door each morning with his briefcase full of old papers, seemingly oblivious to the fact that we all know he's been laid off for like a month. i dont pretend to be all knowing about our financial status but its become pretty fucking clear, especially since we've had a steady diet of ramen, cottage cheese, and bargain bag bananas for the past 26 days. i'm hungry all the time and my boobs are shrinking. i think about food subconsiously, dream it. when will i be able to eat next? how much? but the one thing i would never touch is the 600 calorie heartattack phish food ben and jerrys because even though that used to be my favorite, all i can think of now is asher and how he gave me a carton of that flavor with a candle stuck in and how that was the last i'll ever see him which in itself isnt so hard now that im used to it...anyway i'm not making a lot of sense, it's been ages and my fingers are rusty. i've given up all that petty pseudogangster shit, i've got my head screwed on tight and my eyes glued open. i've got opportunities and i can't afford not to take advantage of them. i need to get out of here. im saving up so that i can drive downstate and work at an organic farm before college...maybe i can get in on scholarship, not likely but still possible. and once i'm in minnesota for school, i doubt i'll look back. i feel bad sure, especially for my dad...for my mom, my sister, but i need to do this. i need to work and feel sun on my face and goat milk surging through my veins, growing stronger and whole. not like now with a hollow chest and crumbling bones. it's like you dont realize how easily money gets sucked up until its gone and you cant get any new jeans when all your others slide off your hips and you can't go out with your friends cuz all you have is a few quarters you found in the hall. but your money is going somewhere safe, safe locked away tight and once the time is right your going to burn up the pavement heading the hell out of here...

postcoitalsmugpostcoitalsmugpostcoitalsmug...j u s t k i d d i n g!!!!! but here's what ive learned through... (...experience...SHH!!) all guys want to get laid, if they hold out they think they're being discreet about the fact that they jerked off earlier and completely jizzed all over some rank porn mag or girls gone wild ...okay in all manner of crassness, how much more crass could this entry get? i guess i'm just in a whatthefuckever mood. listening to new pornographers "the slow decent into alcoholism" etc. ag im such a waste of oxygen. doesnt snow just make you so depressed? hearing a train in the distance and cursing cuz its as close as you'll get for like...2 MONTHS!!!! fuck who reads these things anyway, they must think im a really paranoid loser.

mirrors haning inches from my face telling me im ugly whispering things fatslugbitchslutuglyUGLYuglymonsterpatheticcuntfreakuglycuntBITCH but when im all swallowed up in spray paint with the fog of the fumes clouding up my brain it all disappears into colors brighter than ever and during the inbetween time, my fingers just itching, skin just crawling, teeth just gnawing. WANTING. that fucking FEELING, shrouded in acid hue. sick of all the banalities. skipping meals. eating chocolate. and batteries. veins slipping slow beads and bubbles. air pockets. traveling straight to my brain. walking in a coma. feeling useless. like a fatsickcunt full of some boys semen dripping out of me and down my legs. thinking of all those mindless sperm slow-diving their way to my blackred cavern. and feeling brainwashed by pregnant girls and abortion clinics that stick the tube up you and suck it out. and all i want is to be sucked into that tube and flushed away...into nothing. A dead fetus. a lump of lifeless cells with pearls for teeth. and going back into the earth so to be with the grass and dirt and trees. and to get ground up into the pulp that makes paper and become a book and live hidden on a shelf. am i dead? i feel like just one more package one more can of tuna. just a number, a grade point average, a statistic in the u.s.fuckinga. i want to see my ribs like wale bones poking through my skin when i look in the mirror. i want my paint to stay liquid and quit freezing up all the time. im afraid of the cold. it takes the breath from my lungs. its like an empty slap in the face that makes my eyes water even though its like i cant feel it. No feeling. and i've learned so much not just to flick my wrist and mindlessly fill or concentrate hard on highlights getting them just right...all while keeping an eye trained behind me, just in case. no, not just that. ive learned who has the dogs and who keeps them out even in the freezing ass cold who comes out on their porch for a late night cig, the flame glowing orange and dimming softer as they inhale. who has the tv on, the blue light seeping through the window. who comes home drunk, weaving their car all across the road. do they see me? do i look dead? and does he see me when he fucks me, even with his eyes open? or does he think of someone else, whose been before me or who he wants it to be later? does anyone see me? do i look dead? i'm invisible. at night when i crawl across the city's underbelly with a big mean song in my head and a fresh tag under my name. i'm invisible in the daytime when i look at people and no one is looking back at me, just through me. i'm invisible with him in the inbetween time when we are nothing but fingerslegsarmsmouthseyes falling onto warm sheets. we never talk anymore. our arguements used to fuel our passion, now we just take from eachother in silence. does anyone see me? am i real? i dont feel the cold. i fear it without feeling. my fingers are numb. the tip of my nose falls off. my eyes are wax. what do i see? colors projected in flashes. myriads of meaningless kaliedoscopic shit. all without time or place or being. licking batteries just to get the juice out bitter acid gnawing at me from the inside. and of course soaking in fumes so strong my nose wants to bleed. braincells dying left and right and what do i care? i just want my head to be empty so i can't feel. ill just smile like a vegetable forgetting everything and knowing nothing. bliss in ignorance muscles slack and eyes all rolling back...do i look dead?

ok so sorry about being totally lame and posting twice in one day but i just have to vent. ok NOTHING i repeat NOTHING can compare to a daytime tag right? yeah accept try maybe one where its pitch dark but its all the vulnerability of a daytime... oh fuck...let me exlpain so i stole some from backstage yeah they're crappy blue and yellow and white and brown...yeah no creative names or anything but anyway. it was just to stay loose you know, so my fingers wouldn't be itching all throughout the day and night so i just got back and holy fuck it was awesome. it was like some kind of fucking orgasm haha no joke. my mom was gone with my sister shopping or something and my dad was out of town. so i was feeling all high and whatnot cuz FUCK YEAH! i escaped and i was just running all over the place HA! it was like my first time all over again accept i knew what i was doing. so i found a spot and just started going with it you know? at first i was just going to do my usual "grog" maybe four times with the diff colors all next to eachother like mirror images but then i just started experimenting and going with it and it turned out to be this really sweet bubblish 3-D with the white highlights...aw it was awesome!! im so excited. i mean i know im not nearly as good as the fucking masters or whatever but i feel really happy. fuck asher man, i just needed this little fix...actually no, i mean now i want more...its insane but i have all these ideas now. and back here in my warm house its like it never happened but now i can't even concentrate on my homework. we have this psych thing and im reading the words but not seeing them i keep seeing purples and reds and pinks and greens and blacks and magenta and turquoise and lemon and ok shut the fuck up you're thinking so HEAVY ON OUT. haha god i'm completely messed up.

so my life is kind of in order. kind of coming together a little bit. like homework and shit. i mean it wastes time but it gets stuff done i guess. i feel orderly... like a fucking adult. called asher once my phone privileges were restored he's like "well that was short lived"... tell me about it but he says he'll help me IF i help him. which i'm not sure what he has in mind but it's probably dirty. i hate myself.

i got caught they caught me goddammit! and just when i was getting moderately good too. fuck. what happened was i was going out right, last night like i always do. i had spent the whole day riding my bike around looking for a suitable place, so i was all set in that regard. then my mom fucking comes out of no where and is like "where do you think YOU'RE going? and i was like uuuhhhh...shit... so we had a talk in which this was basically established: i have to do all my homework and they have to check it all i have to go to church i have to write "god is gay" on the side of the church...just kidding i have to get a job so today i was basically under house arrest other than the trip we made to marcus cinema where i picked up an application mehh this sucks. cuz it's not like i was doing a whole hell of a lot of wrong...was i? oh yeah and what is the most depressing is my krylon is gone. every last can. gone. all my beautiful colors... it's like my life is over

ok so its hard to come down after being wacked out of your fucking mind when the streets all folding up like an accordian and you're just trying to ride your bike home cuz all you want is to fucking lay your frozen bones on some type of mattress and you are sort of out of your body and looking down on yourself and the street is going crazy and its crazy town and then you can hardly sleep so you're finally lying down and you're mind is making crazy pictures on the dark ceiling and you're heart is beating like a thousand angry deer running wild and all you can think of is how did you get high in the first place??? but when you come down it hurts like a savage bitch and your head is collapsing and your heart is lead and you look like shit. and then school comes. and i know i shouldn't be writing this. but its the only place i can cuz i sure as fucking hell CAN'T tell ANYONE mostly cuz its just embarassing so at school i saw my best friend's old boyfriend. and maybe i should have told her this cuz we are so close (accepting she doesnt know about what i do at night) but i saw him, her old boyfriend with this skinnyassblondefreshmanairhead barely 13 for fucksake! and they were holding hands like there's was the most original meshing of palms in the universe. but the most amazing thing is, once he saw me looking he slackened his grip and dropped her hand, like some guilty dog just chewed on your shoe or something. weirdest thing that happened to me all day cuz it was like i had that power over him, to make him feel like the dickwipe he is. hmm, a feeling of power that i liked...wow i should really lie down again.

it's like i have all these little sub-lives. one for school where i sit in class and pretend to take notes while really just drawing and pass people in the halls and hope they don't read this or know anything about me. one for my friends where i pretend that i just didn't study but really i have no idea what we are fucking studying and i wear a tight fake smile and try to act involved. one for home where i wash the dishes and take out my trash and do my laundry and braid my sister's hair and pretend to do my homework while really packing my backpack for that night. and that's the other one, when i wait for them to be asleep and carry my spare keys and ride down to the tracks, which is the closest and most convenient outlet. oh and there's also the one for asher where he calls me when he's not macMACmacking it with his girlfriend and we argue about things like which song is better for trashing a hotel room (prodigy's "firestarter" or L7's "shitlist"...i think its obvious). so that's it. my sub-lives, i mean. there's probably sub levels to each sub life but i'm too tired to write about those. my back is killing me from last night, i was all hunched over and NO i couldn't kneel cuz the ground was FREEZING. pretty soon its going to be impossible for me to step outside without my paint freezing. which is another thing to be dreading right now fuck. dont you just want to scream that sometimes? you know, the best word in the english vernacular? fuck? its true. its the best. and also the most overused. but its reliable that way...anyway i have to pretend im doing my homework now....