vicadin SUX on an empty stomache and 4hrs of sleep.... i feel fucking horrible...i feel like i have no control of my arms an legs (like muscle relaxer statis) and i feel like throwing up...BAD TIMES AND i have choir tonight...bitch bitch BITCH ahahahaa....im calling my choir thing "it" when i talk about it with my friends so that Oz. doesnt know what im talking about...just to fuck with him alittle...lol...this is why...you see...Gaermo said Oz should come cuz ill be in my dress and shit and i was NOOOOOO!!! id be embarresssed as fuck...but gaermo said hes going to try to get him to go because ill be embarressed...so im trying not to mention it cuz i think gaermo forgot....also Oz doesnt know what im talking about and its kinda funny lol AND by the time he reads it my choir thing will probably be over....aahahahha...good times ^_^

fuck... Oz. ....you make me crazy....your journal entry sent me into this state of mind...IDK how to put into words....i cant stop smiling...euphoria isnt even a big enough world...its like...my entire body is smiling..... its teh same with me....i wake up...stumble out of bed(on the days that i sleep lol) and immediatly your on my mind....in the shower, when im doing my makeup...walking to the bus...then when i go to my class and read your letter and anticipate the bell ringing just so i can see you again...feel you...then i wait and wait for VP...the last period of the day is the worst...when im not with you...your with me in my mind...then i get home and think about you(especially when we cant talk on the phone)...then right before bed...i think about you more then anyother time...everything about you....it calms me and puts me to sleep...then the cycle repeats itself everyday...baby, i never thought i would feel this way....but its the greatest feeling ive ever felt... there just arent enough words... i want to just kiss you and kiss you again in VP...i might...lol My god baby...you have my heart pumping in your hands...pumping FOR you...I love you...

ahahaha britney spears shaved her fucking head!!! NOW people should realize what money, fame, and silicone can do to the brain Our fuckin music scene is a facist, over run, greedy network of spies, slaves, and slimfast junkies... An yet everyone will still buy their shit and wear their clothes...makes me sick... "i love that song"...eh yeah sure you do...cuz you do know they didnt even write their own shit...its prepacked emotions ...life and lies in a goddamn bottle...on sale today! just give your soul goddamn pop culture

its weird...thru this whole "self" thing ive come to look at people differently....like my dad...i never even want to be around him anymore...cuz i know hes just a scared little boy who likes to show off to give him the comfort of being liked by people...he tries to act so strong and tough...but hes weak and hypocritical.. fuck...that sounds harsh. then theres Derrick...i used to almost look up to him in a way...we had so many simalarities and now...IDK...he almost seems fake to me...(which is the most confusing thing to me...) like...he spends alot of time reading like i do...and says hes doing almost the same thing as me...but theres no changes...like...hes not looking at himself at all....and hes almost avoiding me sometimes because i think he knows whats happening and knows that i can see it...IDK it kinda sux that i dont see people the same way i used too...but im glad because i see the truth... so i have my dad, derrick and sarah pretty much figured out ( to the extent that i can...im not god lol)...i like to study people...and now im moving on to gaermo and oz. i know alot with gaermo already...but oz....IDK why hes so hard to figure out...like...i know alot...but i also know theres more...maybe its because i know hes my boyfriend and i dont want to......trespass on his privacy...IDK im alittle confused...but fuck it (hahha i said butt fuck)

everyones perception of "good" is different...so who is anyone to say what is and what isnt??...but what is the actual menaing of "good"? Technically there should be one...but because its a state of perception then it cant be law...but "good" is what we have built our laws on....and also how the laws of "good" have changed..which makes it opinion...hopw unjust is it that a man is judged on someone elses opinion???? hmmm yes well...thats enough typing for now....

So i asked Oz out again yesterday. Odd feeling...one part of me was shaking uncontrolably with fear of what could come of all this...the other part was too wrapped up in his eyes and everything about him...euphoric.... so the feelings clashed but that doesnt really matter does it? the point is im taking this step with him...horribly unsure...but we'll just have to see where it goes...and im beginning to be okay with that... i want to hold him and kiss him...too bad we never have time alone! Well im glad im fortunate enough to have a man that understands me(which is alot to ask considering) everything about him puts me in a state of rapture...my soul pushes against his chest...and as my soul is screaming he makes it all okay...makes it all go away for alittle while... i love him

the more i realize that none of this is real...the more bewildered i get....how is it that no one else can see this?? i see it...its perfectly clear...this is all imaginary..the desk is hard becasue we were told it was....the sky is blue and untouchable because thats what we were told to believe...all of it....what if someone wasnt told these things? could they bend anything to their will because they had no prior council on how the world is? think about it...if all you had was your imagination...no conforming parents or teachers...straight from birth....could you MAKE the world as YOU see it? How does no one else realize this? its so damn obvious...it explains the miracles...the insane...religious extremes...take miracles for instance....if someone TRULY believes in miracles can one actually occur?...how many people that dont believe in miracles get one? NONE Or insane ppl...how do we know if their insane...they could jsut see the world in a different way...like how i was explaing it above...or religious extremists...they "see" god because they truly believe in him...so therefore they seem him in whatever light they portray him as...thats why god is different for everyone. I like Dosteovsky's question..."why is 2x2, 4?...common man says...it IS this way....where as those who question say...why?" why is it? why couldnt it be...7 or something? these things were made up by MAN and therefore are something of the imagination that everyone just followed....what if no one did? he would be just another insane man... hmm...i wish i could go to college for philosphy....i would like to study existentilism more...hmmm well...i ahve alot in my head regarding philosphy and how i see things...maybe i should right a book HAHAHAHHAAA...like anyone would read it

I want to take the risk...i really do...but for the first time...i seem to want control...which is weird because im the type that pushes away control...and i dont have control over my mind anymore...IDK im so close to just running up to him and kissing him...i want to feel him against me...our hearts beating at the same furious passionate speed...i want to look him in his beautiful fiery brown eyes...listen to his voice...deep, calming and somewhat surealistic... I dont know....he tells me its okay...that i wont hurt him...and a part of me is like...okay...then lets do it...but the other part is saying ....No..be smart about this...but love isnt smart at all...in fact its the stoopidest, most dangerous thing a person could do...but i love loving him....i know he would never hurt me...i know that loving him doesnt have a price...but what about me? hes the thing i cherish most and i would do anything for his life to be pain free...but what about the pain i could cause?? Its a risk...like alot of things....and i am a risk taker...when it comes to things that could harm me...i would drink until i blacked out...take half a bottle of pills just to see what being numb felt like(not what i expected...cuz i still couldnt get him off my mind...i just couldnt move(sorry i didnt tell you that Oz...i didnt want to scare you)) but when it comes to the possibility of hurting him...my heart feels like cement in my chest...i started crying at the snow for that reason ...i felt sooooo stoopid and weak...then i cried when i got home too...IDK whats gotten into me Oscar, if your reading this...i love you so much...i dont know what to do....please help me(i dont know how you could...so that doesnt really make any sense) This hurts soooo much and i miss you...IDK what to do...what to say...my mind is a fucking battlefield i just dont understand how something so good could hurt so much

okay so here it is... Blues bass...like REAL blues bass....then right at the mid-ending of a bend...slap the string so it makes kinda of like a dull spring noise...IDK im going to try it though... you know what a kool bass line?? "Dont Push" by Sublime....fun to play...most there songs are...but theres a really kick back bass solo on this track and i really like playing it... FUCK i hate being grounded...i want to play my baby!! lol

....i swear...the worst pain you could ever have is the pain you give to yourself....