this is the first time i'm logging into songmeaning for about 4 years.. av been locked out all these years and have tried making other accounts but i get locked out of those too.. is something fishy goin on?

It's funny looking back on the things i wrote about last year... i was such a kid back then but from reading that i must have been thinking i was sooo mature. And the language is disgusting. I had no idea i swore that much. I haven't gone all goody-goody but its just shocking to see that I used such bad language. I think i'm still the same person, but i've done alot of growing up. I've found religion and a purpose in life... I have to admit that even though I'm in the process of changing, I still have traces of my old personality. For example, even though i'm not swearing half as much, i seem to have this dirty, disgusting sort of humour. It's funny reading about 'him' (the guy i liked at the start of college). I last said that i was over him, but i fell for him again and now i'm over it again. I can't say for sure whether this is it but i really hope it is. I'm sick of liking a guy who knows i like him but insists on flaunting his new relationship in front of me in the college corridors. I've realised that I don't need to like anyone in order to keep myself entertained. College is way too busy this year anyway to start having silly crushes on people.. I'm sooo over that. I'll be applying for university in a few weeks and i'm so frustrated. I really need to get my head in gear and just get on with it.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ catch ya later xxxxxx

life's crap already this year, but i'll try to be optimistic about this year. Nothing much goin on except that i've got exams in a weeks time and i haven't even started revising. STRESS!!! Oh yeah, I'm not into 'him' anymore and i feel kinda sad cos i miss him already. I plan on ignoring him when i get back to college cos he started pissin me off right before we broke up for the x-mas holidays.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ catch ya later xxxxx

Started college about a week ago & i'm sick of it already. I'm just not used to that kind of atmosphere, but i guess life goes on...sigh.! It seems as though everyone's got their own things going on & no one really has time for each other anymore, how depressing. The work load is already starting to pile up & it keeps on coming.gosh!!!!!!!! That college is packed as well. sooo many people from all different high schools & it really is weird. am definitely gonna miss them school days. The only thing I'm happy about is "him."... The first time i saw "him" was about a year ago @ some science masterclass & i wasn't into him then. My friend told me that he kept staring @ me but i dismissed her. And now, here I am, a year later falling for the same guy i wasnt into back then. what can i say, he's soooo much cuter...oh well, i dont think he even recognises me.... *sigh again* oh well, shit happens ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ catch ya later xxxxx

Went along to the taster sessions at college today and it was definitely better than yesterday because Sam was there today :D... I felt alot more comfortable with her there and i just had a blast cos of how we like to mess about. Tomorrow's gna be sucky because i have to stay for the WHOLE day without any of my friends...golly gosh, i feel sorry for myself already. who am i gonna talk to. Okay, it came down to this, eh? I'm gonna have to talk to other people. I dont mind doing that but they aren't gonna make me laugh... i laugh to get rid of nerves and thats why i need my friends around..... anyways... chao. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ catch ya later xxxxx

-hhmm...had a blast with sam, maria en shanzi today. we went out for lunch en walked aroung town for a bit. then we went to the games arcade, but maria en shanzi had to go...such party poopers. Me en Sam stayed on en we played about for a few hours. Its so fucking hard to get away from the girls at school. everywhere we turned, there was a challney girl about....for fuck's sake, we need to get out of town or summink. There was a bunch of guys @ the arcade en they kept staring at me en sam. she obviously loved the attention, but i got a bit sick of it. seemed kinda childish to me. If they wanted to talk to us, they should have just come up, but nooooo...they wanna play the cat and mouse game instead: where they chase after us, give the fake, cheesy smiles and we pretend not to be interested. Good God, get over it! -I've been crying quite a lot lately!(not the loud BOOHOO stuff) I don't know why, but its really odd cos i RARELY cry. maybe once every two years, but over the past few weeks i'll cry about anything. I was having a bath a week ago en i sat there thinking: "I'm nearly 2 decades old!!" that may seem like a small number to some people, but i dont really feel 16. I've always wanted people to treat me like an adult cos av always been mature for my age (most of the time), and finally everyone is, but I'm the one who can't seem to accept that I am becoming an adult. i think i started crying cos of that(retarded, i know). Ohh yeah, i also cried the other night, cos i think i might be forgetting my own mother. I've still got pictures of her and i remember her face, but its not the same. I was 11 and i still cry about it to this day. will i ever get over it? I've got the shittiest memory ever; sam is like my assistant cos she always reminds me about stuff, even my SATs. My memory makes me sad cos i cant remember my mother all that well, the times we had together. In fact, i don't remember her personality en that. I think i make up memories sometimes to compensate for the ones i've lost. I didn't get to know my mother as 'jane', cos she was just 'mummy' to me. I would have loved to know her well as i got older; aside from being the woman that gave me cuddles, gave me baths, took me to school...the whole shabang. why am i talking about my mother? i dn't really know, it's not like its gna change the past. fuck am pissin myself off now..better go! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ catch ya later xxxxxx

School's finally over!!! had my last exam yesterday.....lalalalala ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ catch ya later xxxxx

-surprisingly, the History & Maths exams were the easiest. I honestly thought that they would be the toughest... am glad though. So far, i've been doing okay so i'm happy. -My playlist has disappeared again. what a bummer! Am gonna try and get it back AGAIN... i fucking miss my songs. -OMD, making me look like a fucking plonker... -I was with the reporter who covered the Luton stabbing outside the L&D today. Apparently a police officer had been killed...sad! -I chatted to my sis today, en we were on cam making funneh faces and what not....good tyms! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ catch ya later xxxxx

motherfuckin carnival got cancelled cos of the damn weather! i spent like 70 quid on an outfit...*kissing my teeth*

I'm no longer in high school and the last day was really sad. practically everyone was in tears, even my form tutor. I never cried but i was close enough. I'm really gonna miss my high school days cos it'll never be the same again. Even though half the girls from school are going to the same college, everyone knows it just wont be the same. Girls will turn into fucking whores at the sight of any guy and thats how it always is. I know for a fact that i'm not gonna change for shit, I sure hope that my best friends also stay the same. I've had too many fun times with them and I would be too upset if any of them changed. I like them as they are. The Gala was better than expected. It was the best one that the school had ever had. I think my dress looked really pretty en i got loads of compliments cos no one has ever seen me in a dress! The DJ was as fit as hell and all the girls wre after him. Desperate thangs...that's what being in a girl's school for 5 years does to you. I've got 9 exams left and the next one is in a weeks time. fuck-a-duck. I'm shit scared cos i don't think I've done that well so far:'( I need to get a summer job cos am free all summer en i DO NOT wanna stay at home..hell no! Am gonna be starting college in September en am lookin forward to it, but i'm kinda nervous. I have to get used to a whole new environment. If "*******" is coming to the same college, am still not gonna go out with him. fuck that shit, am not really into the whole BF/GF thing at the moment. Its Bogus. guys will tell you that they love you just to get in ur pants, en like fools, us girls believe them. I dont think love exists anymore and I definitely am NOT gonna tell any guy that i love them cos the take advantage of that en hit you right wre its gonna hurt. Telling someone that you love them makes you vulnarable and your more likely to get hurt...it hurts like a bitch. I think its better that someone doesnt know that you love them cos they wont know how badly ur hurt wen it doesn't work out....cos it never does. Am alright with having a laugh with guys but no kissy-touchy. When it starts getting really personal, i back away. Just cos i have a laugh with them, some guys think that i wanna go out with them. I dunno why i turn down guys, even if i like 'em. ohhh god, I think i'm scared of falling in love again hahahaha... ohhh well, so what? No one ever died from not going out with guys. Depressing or what! Am off to the carnival in a few hours but the weather sucks....buhhh