well so this weekend was totally non existant. I did my service learning all day saturday 7:30 til 4 and then i went shopping with my mom for jeans and stuff. And u know what everything they sell is like weird why don't people just sell jeans, i mean i personally don't want butterflys on my ass and pretty soon i'm gonna have to go to american eagle to get normal jeans. sick. i think. i don't mind that place that much. So anyway sunday i babysat again cuz i needed the money, i'm trying to get out of debt still for my flute. solo ensamble is this saturday. I think i'm going to bomb it but my teacher still things i'm this oh so talented stuggling artist maybe?? i don't know. I'm listenin to the emo song!!! haha. I don't hate emo people tho... :'( oh well. they have nice asses. I guess i'm totally gyped of time today cuz i was writing my liberal mail to my grandpa again lol. Then i realized i was totally wrong. Oh well. I'm really otta here for now cuz i don't have the time to finish this. sadness my life is a black abyse (thankyou the emo song)

Well hmm....my mommys gonna get moises a job, which i don't know, he's been so retarded lately. And i guess he's just one of those people that totally forgets about you when he's with someone else. which yes there probly better than me, most people are. I was at his house twice this week mayb 3 times that's why i haven't written. And then for that reason i didn't do my overview so i didn't get to take baudhuins test and bleh that's horrible so now i'm probly failing. Joy the world. And i've been so frustrated with that and just everything else i've done this week. Like i do something wrong and i get so pissed at myself over just retarded stuff. I finally made up my dumb math quiz, after wasting 2 studyhalls doing worksheets on stuff cuz i forgot my calculater. well actually lost it. Thank god i found it. I'm talking to jonathan. yeah...I love him. Hmm... no just kidding i love you to death jmo.. Well i guess i have to pay attention to what he's saying, but i'll write tomorrow hopefully. I'm working at solo and ensamble tomorrow for 9 hours for service learning. 7am to 9pm... yeah there goes this weekend too

and again i have no motivation to write lol, tomorrow mayb i have to much crap to do

this'll be quick cuz i gotta go.........so hey i'm not gonna bother trying i'll write it tomorrow

well yeah the title says it.....sorry jmo. And i love you to death and i guess i don't always show it but i do, and i will always love you no matter what happens to us. Don't every listen to me when i tell you otherwise. so yeah i guess for the actual journally part of this not the i love you mushy jmo *kiss* part. It was weird today i guess the more i think about it, our first day actually quote quote dating.....which isn't true, but i guess being commited to. Doubt it will last honestly but it does make me feel better. Day to day things feel so weird tho, like i was standing by jake and he was like why are you so close to me and i felt just weird like i shouldn't have been. Or hugging other people or moises talking about sticking his hand down my shirt that one day. It just all seemed weird. Maybe i needed that guilt all along. I never thought i put myself out there that much, but maybe i do. I wish i could see myself through someone elses eyes. No matter what people aren't going to tell you everything they think, they couldn't, but there are so many harsh things that come as just first impressions. Alberto is supposed to IM me tonight or somethin, he has my screen name atleast. Doesn't mean he'll really talk to me, oh there goes the commitment thing again. The fact that mayb something could come out of that all that i don't want. But i don't think i've ever felt the way about anyone that i do about jonathan. I mean i didn't know that everything could be this way, i always thought it was overrated. hollywood scamming for an extra penny. But it's not about looks it's not about anything it's this endless emotion that you can't explain. I guess that sums up everything pretty much that i'm thinking, if u care about the rest of my day mayb.....yeah fine you don't but i'll write it still. Moises wanted me to go with him to mcdonalds and i didn't want to for whatever reason. I was so tired tho, like wah, i just wanted to sleep. And all those promises to jonathan and everything it just made sense to me that i didn't want to eat, and that's not any better than anything else, but there was the added guilt like one of those times somethings going ot happen that i don't want to be part of, not sexually, but like everything else that right now i don't want. And i think he's very accepting of that when i'm by myself with him and everythings very different, but when there's other people it can't be all about what i want and stuff and i'm to pathetic to stand up for myself. Especially when it's for what jonathan wants and not necessarily me. I guess yeah that's mostly everything, i'm being depressed and misserble because of my grades again. All for stupid mistakes not because i wasn't capable. And i guess just me in general........does everybody else see their flaws as well as me, i mean wow. it just messes with me so much everything i think of myself. ok yes amanda they get it shut ur mouth now....haha hmmm i like chocolate, tribute to sam, who said i needed to write that. yeah really i have friends....haha or does she really even like me anyway.....no clue, friendliest person i've ever met tho. Nothing is about her just what everyone else needs or wants or just anything to help you out

funny how everything can change so fast. funny how one word can make you give up. funny how nothing really matters anymore. Sad to admit how weak i am. Sad to be as lovesick as i am. Sad simply to be who i am. Or mayb am i just bitter? that was all a sentence, but then it looked better this way.....wouldn't consider it a poem cuz i have no poetic talent. Anyway jonathan said no and mayb i don't see something cuz i'm not a guy, but if you love someone you wouldn't cheat on them. And i guess he's just not saying something mayb or i'm to blind to get it. And i accepted it, it's just like ok leave me alone i'm not wasting my time anymore. But then the idea that i could go out with someone else.....like alberto.....who wouldn't care. I guess that just made it all different like i don't want u to have sex with him blah blah blah. Did i ever say i would?? Did i ever really say i would even be asked by him??? And lastly is it even your business what i do with my life as of now....NO JONATHAN IT'S NOT. And then it all goes back to his cliche over used please don't be mad at me, if it really means that much to you then yeah i would do it. Now really that makes me feel wanted......i mean if that's really what you want ya know i could force myself to care mayb and like not cheat on you. Isn't that touching. but no, and do i want to force you to like me no, so do i want you to pretend to like me so i don't screw someone else no jonathan i'd prefer not, i'd rather u mind ur own problems and let me do what i want. I'm not going to pay you to like me. I guess that's gotten me you all along, but it wasn't worth it.

the dance was today, or is today, as i now....and ewwwness i guess cuz i don't like them. so many annoying people and everyone wanted me to go but bleh no. I'm supposed to go to a hockey game tomorrow, i think i got out of it to babysit, but do i really wanna do that either. NO. so i guess i'd rather babysit then listen to a bunch of old people who never got real jobs insult me. Oh wait that was a little to honest. for whatever reason people don't like my comments haha. Jonathan has lied to me as of yesturday i guess, no idea, mayb he was honest and she was lying, but i hope he'll admit it if he did lie to me and i know it will hurt but i want to know. i really don't think he'd lie, i think it's more of a misinterpretation. Lately he's been very honest with me for what i know. I watched breakfast club last night and then it was mignight all of the sudden. I didn't know that it was that late....but that movie rocks. I guess that's it, i'm otta here cuz there isn't anything to say and i'm to lazy to right

So today i got a D on my trig test, not because i had no clue what i was doing, but cuz i didn't do the last question on the back of the page that was 5 points. 35 out of 40 would have been a little better.....not like she'd actually give me a change to do it, i wasn't there when she gave directions either oh well. I was so POed about it this morning cuz i can't afford to do bad on anything in that class as long as i'm not doing homework. But i guess i slept 3rd pd and i woke up after the movie and i was more socialable. Moises was like whats wrong you look so sad lol. But anyway so last night me and jonathan were talking and we got on the whole subject about us going out and stuff. And at first I was like how do you feel about me. And he went into this big thing about how much he loved me and i was all happy and stuff. So i was like well why don't you want to go out with me i don't understand that. He ended up saying that a long distance relationship would be hard because he couldn't have the physical part of it and stuff. But by the end of the night he said that on sunday he has to go to cheetoh's house, and as long as he can deal with that and keep his hands off of her, then he wants to go out with me. Otherwise he said he wouldn't because it would be his responsibility to be faithful to me and he wouldn't want to hurt me. I'm pretty much left with that for two days now. He said he'd try to call tonight because he's leaving and won't be back til sunday night, but i think he didn't have time cuz he had to get everything ready. That's ok tho cuz he's dedicated like every possible minute of his life to me lately. I'd be sick of me.....surprisingly he still likes me. Alberto was at school again today. I wonder what he's taking that i keep seeing him. Moises still says i'm a lesbian and i know he thinks it even tho he says it with sarcasm. And we were talking today in band, for whatever reason he was actually in a room with us, and he kept going back to me being a lesbian. Mayb he just does it to test my reaction i don't know. I'll ask him if he's online ever, he hasn't been for a bagillion years. He was grounded......no idea if he still is. He thinks i'm all messed up cuz i kept talking about cliche. How i don't want to be cliche. And i'd change myself so i'm not cliche. Which is true and i admit it. Thats not what i want to be.....like if everyone decided to go punk more than there are now, then i'd probably start wearing white. I'm not punk, i don't want to be punk, that's not the point, the point is i'd like to stay far away from the style stereotypes. I'd like to be who i am to make a statement. NOT This is who you are because this is what you look like you know. I can't say much today either, everything must sound so bland, most of the day was spent sulking over math grades, messed up friendships, and more petty teenage contraversy. I think i know what love is now. I think i finally get it. Love is when you go though everything bad in life and you hate every minute of your day but the minute you see that person it was all worth it. Every second of your day was worth it just to hear that one voice. That voice that means everything. Hey guess who just called!!!!!!!

yeah in all it's glory, i finally got a freakin snow day. But i was bored all day to cuz u can't go anywhere in a blizzard now can ya....actually we got pizza, with hippie. He looked like whats his name from breakfast club. Bender. Same coat same scarf same boots. Freaky. The 80's ahhhhhhh. No. Bad. Poison, motley crue, ahhhhhh 80's. lol. oh wait tommy lee is on my bulitin board. Didn't say he wasn't talented. Better than me. Isn't every one. Oh wait tisk tisk, i'm sorry i'm so talented i can site read music. what else would one want to do with their life. Sleep?? yeah. sorry i don't have a life in that case. My tongue hurts............i think i'm otta here. there's not much more to say when ur locked in ur house sleeping all day. cept mayb I love jmo. I could repeat that 1000 times. Yet he's not my bf, so i wish i didn't, cuz it's lame to live for what you can t have. He said i could, but then i guess he'd be my bf. And he isn't. so it's not meant to be that way. and i'm just here for some sick attention plea.

today alberto was at school....hahaha, and he didn't bring me food (tear, tear) But i bought popcorn and then it was all mungo buttery so we got another bag and mixed them and yeah. Sure mayb it was salty idk. I was confused by it all. But he always talks to me and scares me cuz he just shows up in my life randomly all the time. I found this really sweet site today at school......it's a smashing pumpkins one. I was looking up stuff on billyc orgon. Idk what it is, it's my favorites but it rocks. I was sleeping and jmo woke me up at like 7. And then i was all quiet and irritable, as i have been all day. And it was just really awkward. And he kept asking me to sing and i wouldn't and yeah. Last night he kept trying to make me talk because i said i wanted to hang up so i could cry. And he was just so irritating and if i hung up he would have called me back probly so i was there til midnight and today i was just dying. At lunch i was just sitting there with my head down like someone shoot me. most of the people i sit by bore me. Megan and amanda and ka left and those are the people who i could get a long with somewhat. And everyone else just finds me annoying and i know it, cuz i have a opinions and i tend to share them. And there just ignorant all the time and think nothing matters. I'm too damn serious tho. And i guess i got really frustrated with that today cuz i just wanted to get up and leave. And i would of hurt myself but then i guess it's something to think about. what do you want to be ya know. like that's pretty helpless. Mayb i am helpless i don't know. I do know. Tomorrow we should have a snow day....cross my fingers. It's been all overdone for the last 3 days so i doubt it after all the hype. Superstition. oh well. After today i'd much rather not be there cuz i'm going to snap on somebody, but i guess i'll get over it. I guess i'd rather have that person be jmo cuz nothing can happen then he'll just listen. Just wish he'd give me space with that. Last night he said the weirdest thing, that i'm weak i'm a really weak person and that he trys not to take advantage of me for that, even though he knows he could. Just weird to grasp that he said that to my face. Not like we all didn't know it was true, but kinda mean. I speak my mind too tho. I'd rather have honesty as long as i have the guts to take it. Isn't this all korny and philosophical. Hehe. No. Maybe. I think i'm failing soc. stu. Already. shame.....i know i must be...unless the test was most of my grade, cuz i haven't done assignments. And i got really mad about that too. Today i had to take my trig quiz that i missed, and i hate trig, but i think i got an A. I kinda depend on those A's or i'm gonna fail without doing assignments. But i mean if i don't need to do the homework to understand the class why should i. My band teacher today said that i was quote "so much wasted talent" that if i "tried i would be so good at everything" for the billionth time. Just cuz i can site read......how special. I think i'm overrated. I know i'm overrated. I'm way to arrogant .