well today was my solo and ensamble, which i feel like i totally bombed at it was my fault. but people are always stupid and reasurring. Just got to stressed about it. But i got a 1 and two 2's. So that's not that bad, but i could have done better and i know that so it irritates me. My mom is all POed at me and screaming at me and blah blah blah and i'm not totally sure what i did but wow...... Were watching war of the worlds tonight with jay and some guy named jake. Wish my mom didn't hate me so i could leave, but were gettin pizza so sweetness. I guess there here so peace

today i took 4 tests................i feel like it's fucking exams. one more tomorrow n that's it i hope. Maybe i won't be failing language by friday!!! haha NOT idk what else to say the pianist (hehe hahaha) didn't show up today for solo and ensamble practice stuff w/e. So yeah one less day. Mayb she died. I mean no...i wouldn't want that. Ur stupid. Yeah i'm stupid. Moises died i'm talking to myself. I think i really got sunburn today from tanning and it hurts. hmm that was dumb...i need to shut up for my own good.

today we went tanning for out hawaii trip and my lips are sunburnt i swear to god and it hurts, but it wasn't worth getting out cuz it wasn't that bad. Jmo hasn't called me yet. He said he had to call jojo first so awww :'( i guess. But he doesn't like her so it's alright. I think I hope. Never know with him. Today moises wanted me to go to his house and i refused him lol. And i don't think he has any clue why, but then again he's not awfended at all by it. But i didn't feel like fallowing him around like a dog as per usual so i said i didn't want to go. For the billionth time. I guess that's like my whole day sadly. Eh peace. To bad i have no life. Oh wait yeah and i'm failing language. Bravo congrats amanda. o but i'm taking my social studies test tomorrow so mayb that's good 6 weeks grades...fun fun fun someone shoot me

well so this weekend was totally non existant. I did my service learning all day saturday 7:30 til 4 and then i went shopping with my mom for jeans and stuff. And u know what everything they sell is like weird why don't people just sell jeans, i mean i personally don't want butterflys on my ass and pretty soon i'm gonna have to go to american eagle to get normal jeans. sick. i think. i don't mind that place that much. So anyway sunday i babysat again cuz i needed the money, i'm trying to get out of debt still for my flute. solo ensamble is this saturday. I think i'm going to bomb it but my teacher still things i'm this oh so talented stuggling artist maybe?? i don't know. I'm listenin to the emo song!!! haha. I don't hate emo people tho... :'( oh well. they have nice asses. I guess i'm totally gyped of time today cuz i was writing my liberal mail to my grandpa again lol. Then i realized i was totally wrong. Oh well. I'm really otta here for now cuz i don't have the time to finish this. sadness my life is a black abyse (thankyou the emo song)

Well hmm....my mommys gonna get moises a job, which i don't know, he's been so retarded lately. And i guess he's just one of those people that totally forgets about you when he's with someone else. which yes there probly better than me, most people are. I was at his house twice this week mayb 3 times that's why i haven't written. And then for that reason i didn't do my overview so i didn't get to take baudhuins test and bleh that's horrible so now i'm probly failing. Joy the world. And i've been so frustrated with that and just everything else i've done this week. Like i do something wrong and i get so pissed at myself over just retarded stuff. I finally made up my dumb math quiz, after wasting 2 studyhalls doing worksheets on stuff cuz i forgot my calculater. well actually lost it. Thank god i found it. I'm talking to jonathan. yeah...I love him. Hmm... no just kidding i love you to death jmo.. Well i guess i have to pay attention to what he's saying, but i'll write tomorrow hopefully. I'm working at solo and ensamble tomorrow for 9 hours for service learning. 7am to 9pm... yeah there goes this weekend too

and again i have no motivation to write lol, tomorrow mayb i have to much crap to do

this'll be quick cuz i gotta go.........so hey i'm not gonna bother trying i'll write it tomorrow

well yeah the title says it.....sorry jmo. And i love you to death and i guess i don't always show it but i do, and i will always love you no matter what happens to us. Don't every listen to me when i tell you otherwise. so yeah i guess for the actual journally part of this not the i love you mushy jmo *kiss* part. It was weird today i guess the more i think about it, our first day actually quote quote dating.....which isn't true, but i guess being commited to. Doubt it will last honestly but it does make me feel better. Day to day things feel so weird tho, like i was standing by jake and he was like why are you so close to me and i felt just weird like i shouldn't have been. Or hugging other people or moises talking about sticking his hand down my shirt that one day. It just all seemed weird. Maybe i needed that guilt all along. I never thought i put myself out there that much, but maybe i do. I wish i could see myself through someone elses eyes. No matter what people aren't going to tell you everything they think, they couldn't, but there are so many harsh things that come as just first impressions. Alberto is supposed to IM me tonight or somethin, he has my screen name atleast. Doesn't mean he'll really talk to me, oh there goes the commitment thing again. The fact that mayb something could come out of that all that i don't want. But i don't think i've ever felt the way about anyone that i do about jonathan. I mean i didn't know that everything could be this way, i always thought it was overrated. hollywood scamming for an extra penny. But it's not about looks it's not about anything it's this endless emotion that you can't explain. I guess that sums up everything pretty much that i'm thinking, if u care about the rest of my day mayb.....yeah fine you don't but i'll write it still. Moises wanted me to go with him to mcdonalds and i didn't want to for whatever reason. I was so tired tho, like wah, i just wanted to sleep. And all those promises to jonathan and everything it just made sense to me that i didn't want to eat, and that's not any better than anything else, but there was the added guilt like one of those times somethings going ot happen that i don't want to be part of, not sexually, but like everything else that right now i don't want. And i think he's very accepting of that when i'm by myself with him and everythings very different, but when there's other people it can't be all about what i want and stuff and i'm to pathetic to stand up for myself. Especially when it's for what jonathan wants and not necessarily me. I guess yeah that's mostly everything, i'm being depressed and misserble because of my grades again. All for stupid mistakes not because i wasn't capable. And i guess just me in general........does everybody else see their flaws as well as me, i mean wow. it just messes with me so much everything i think of myself. ok yes amanda they get it shut ur mouth now....haha hmmm i like chocolate, tribute to sam, who said i needed to write that. yeah really i have friends....haha or does she really even like me anyway.....no clue, friendliest person i've ever met tho. Nothing is about her just what everyone else needs or wants or just anything to help you out

funny how everything can change so fast. funny how one word can make you give up. funny how nothing really matters anymore. Sad to admit how weak i am. Sad to be as lovesick as i am. Sad simply to be who i am. Or mayb am i just bitter? that was all a sentence, but then it looked better this way.....wouldn't consider it a poem cuz i have no poetic talent. Anyway jonathan said no and mayb i don't see something cuz i'm not a guy, but if you love someone you wouldn't cheat on them. And i guess he's just not saying something mayb or i'm to blind to get it. And i accepted it, it's just like ok leave me alone i'm not wasting my time anymore. But then the idea that i could go out with someone else.....like alberto.....who wouldn't care. I guess that just made it all different like i don't want u to have sex with him blah blah blah. Did i ever say i would?? Did i ever really say i would even be asked by him??? And lastly is it even your business what i do with my life as of now....NO JONATHAN IT'S NOT. And then it all goes back to his cliche over used please don't be mad at me, if it really means that much to you then yeah i would do it. Now really that makes me feel wanted......i mean if that's really what you want ya know i could force myself to care mayb and like not cheat on you. Isn't that touching. but no, and do i want to force you to like me no, so do i want you to pretend to like me so i don't screw someone else no jonathan i'd prefer not, i'd rather u mind ur own problems and let me do what i want. I'm not going to pay you to like me. I guess that's gotten me you all along, but it wasn't worth it.

the dance was today, or is today, as i now....and ewwwness i guess cuz i don't like them. so many annoying people and everyone wanted me to go but bleh no. I'm supposed to go to a hockey game tomorrow, i think i got out of it to babysit, but do i really wanna do that either. NO. so i guess i'd rather babysit then listen to a bunch of old people who never got real jobs insult me. Oh wait that was a little to honest. for whatever reason people don't like my comments haha. Jonathan has lied to me as of yesturday i guess, no idea, mayb he was honest and she was lying, but i hope he'll admit it if he did lie to me and i know it will hurt but i want to know. i really don't think he'd lie, i think it's more of a misinterpretation. Lately he's been very honest with me for what i know. I watched breakfast club last night and then it was mignight all of the sudden. I didn't know that it was that late....but that movie rocks. I guess that's it, i'm otta here cuz there isn't anything to say and i'm to lazy to right