Memory's A Leech;; and hearts are like kaleidescopes Daaaammnn. It's been a way long time since I even bothered to update this thing. But then again, I say that at basically every beginning of one of these entries. Hah, go figure that. My last one was all the way back into March! Crayyzaayy. Schools over now, woo hoo! Go summah! Eh, it could definitely be better in a thousand different ways, but whatever. I'm making due, I suppose. Ooh, which reminds me that I was excited i got almost a 3.9 GPA this year. ohh yeahh. :] Current Music -->> Valentine; The Vincent Black Shadow Lots of ups and downs this year. Its way overly complicated. Stuff with Katie that I certainly never even expected to happen. Somehow, its all weird that things started parting between us this year. All of it makes me begin to wonder why that is. Why all of a sudden THIS YEAR in particular, do we have a falling out? Meh. Everything's resolved now, but still. I always have the right to wonder. Omg. Fuck me sideways. Between my mother's normal stupidity and her effing raging hormones, I swear I'm just going to slit my own throat. I'm definitely thinking of just moving back with my grandma for the summer, like I did for the school year. I can't deal with all her stupid shit and the CONSTANT yelling-for-no-reason phases every thirty seconds. That, or I'm getting someone to shoot me. Endofstory. Well, I know it isn't much news, but I needed an update somewhere in heres. toodles. :] rageandlove Helena;; eat yer fuckin heart out, babes.

Follow The Light Of The Moon;; Just To Stay Alive So, I definitely haven't updated this in a while. Well, a few weeks ago I got my little headers up on a new journal entry, and then pretty much stared at the screen like a deer in the headlights. If you couldn't tell, that meant I really couldn't think of much to write. Well; now I do. And like always, its never good news. Because that normally isn't what my life consists of. Let's start off on a happy note, by saying I've found a TON of new bands that I really really like; and some old ones I've heard of that I've gotten more into. Secondly, my RP thing is going fantastic, as usual.

Reaching To The Sky; Holding your head high I'd like to start off this journal with another snazzy lyrical association to my life: All you want is more, so much more Time before you have to leave this medium And watch today just fade away Tomorrow comes to take its place Everyday The real fucken truth, ain't it? Current Music -->>Sharks In Your Mouth; I Killed The Prom Queen So, Merry Fuckin Christmas, then? Pretty good year I would say. Got that new iPod Nano. 'Tis sweeeeeet. Dead tired though. And I've come to realize Christmas just doesn't mean that much anymore. I can't remember if it felt this way last year; I don't think it did but I dunno. Things just seem so... blah. Like, it's not even important, y'know? Wonder if this whole thing just comes along with me getting older. Not really sure. A lot of people agreed with me that it seriously doesn't even feel like Christmas anyways. Maybe it's not just me then? Whatever. It's like, 11:13, and I'm gonna go make pasta err something. Fucking hungry man. Prolly 'cause I barely ate anything today. I hatehatehate that. You're not hungry when it's time to eat, and then you're STARVING later. Its retarted. XD Hahahah. I'm watching "100 Greatest Songs Of The 90s" That show is way radd. I miss all that music that used to be played. 298347923874 times better than half the shit played on the radio today. Well, I'm off kiddies. Ta. Till The End;; Helena eat your fucking heart out

Distracted Dreams Inside My Head;; It’s all the same, it never ends So. School's done. For two weeks. I can't even express the joy I feel right now. No amount of typing would be able to cover it. :] And to make things better, ABS has all their stuff on their purevolume for download now! WOOT! I especially made sure I got 'Dance With The Stars' because that song is fucking amazing. It's my favorite by them. Current Music -->>Teenage Queen;; Aiden Listened to a band called Rasputina today. Well, only that one song; Our Lies. I actually think I like it. It sounds pretty good. But I don't wanna download it and then like, HATEHATEHATE it later. Y'know? Mehh. Xmas. Blech. I'm deff. not excited at all for anything I'd rather me just sleep. You can't stop me now You can't hold me down You can't keep me here I'm on my way I made it this far now And I'm not burning out No matter what you say I'm not afraid That lyric has had a very powerful meaning for me over the last week or so. I WANNA GET AWAY. Ugh, I can't tell you how badly I want to be out of this house and away from just, everyone. They're driving me up the wall! And when I leave, and set out to do what I want to do. And accomplish the things I want to accomplish. THEY CAN'T DO A DAMNED THING ABOUT IT. So hah. Go choke on a spork and die. :] Got presents from friends today. Underoath shirt, lotion, AIDEN'S NEW CD, and I still gotta exchange gifts with Katie. But we're not doing that till xmas eve. Blahhh. fuckingwhorebagcuntfacedsackofshitmotherfuckingbitch. rawr. bite me. Till the fucking end;; Helena. eat your fucking heart out, bitches.

I Will Not Follow You;; Into the perfect grave. So, my friend and I talked for a while yesterday in English. And we were talking about religion and stuff. I was explaining to her that I'm Roman Catholic, but honestly don't want or need to be. This is mainly because I don't go to church, practice this faith, or fully believe in a lot of the things that are stated in it. She was explaining to me how she lives by ENLIGHTENMENT. That she doesn't wanna spend her whole life working so hard to achieve going to heaven or whatever. That she's doing what makes her happy now, and that's all she cares about. These words really inspired me, in a way. That's how I wanna live. That's how I've always wanted to live. But it feels like there are so many things holding me back. My parents, some friends, my academics. And it all seems so overwhelming. In a way, it makes me feel like I'm insignificant, and that I can't live my own life and be who I want to be. It makes me compare it to someone shoving your face in the dirt. Such a rude wake up call, y'know? Try and get it. Try and get it and see what happens. You gotta big surprise coming for you, if it comes down to that. Wait and see. I'll drag you right back down here. Current Music -->> Pretend; Number One Gun I dunno. Honestly, I can't wait till I turn eighteen. Ima show them all how I can be and the way that I want to live my own fucking life. That's funny, isn't it? From the time you're an adolescent, you're always being told that you're getting older. That you're getting more responsibilities. But those responsibilities never really have anything to do with yourself, do they? You have responsibilites for and from other people, correct? So what are you doing to better your own life? In what way are you making decisions that make you happier? Exactly... You're not. Why do many of us have to wait 'till were free of that grasp to take control of our own lives? I don't get it. The people that care about you tell you they want you to make mistakes, and grow, and become usefull in society. But why do they make us wait forever until we are finally able to make our own decisions? Wouldn't they rather have us make them now? Have us fall, and make mistakes now so that they can maybe correct them and help us learn from them? Or would they rather just toss us out on a porch step, watch us stumble and trip on our way up. Our face diving into the concrete, never being able to resurface. All because we didn't know any better? Why doesn't the authority try and make sense of that? Till the fucking end;; Helena. eat your fucking heart out.

Fill My Forged Prescriptions;; Cause I'm addicted to addictions Well. Lots has happened since that last entry. Things have gotten better and things have gotten worse all the same. I wonder if it's ever gonna even out. Probably not because life just doesn't like me like that. So whatever. Fuck it. My mother still hasn't learned. Contemplating living with father. Major asshole, he his; But I can't stand being around the women. Too fucking immature for my taste pals. Maybe if she got a hobby other than being a whore. Current Music -->> Goodbye (I'm Sorry) - Jamestown Story My birthday has come and gone since I last updated this. Katie got me a bunchh of shittt. It was fucking amazing. She got me a Calypso, gum, now&&laters, AND TALES FROM THE CRYPT SEASON TWO! And it all came in a nifty SCOOBY-DOO BAG! Ahahaha. Don't ask, it's a definite inside joke thing. :D And then my dad gave me the best present of all. He took Katie and I to see MORRISSEY!!! Omg. I was like. WOW. And he was awesome. I can officially cross off one thing on my 'things to do before I die' list. That's how important seeing him was to me. Went to Hawaii. It sucked. I'm not gonna say any more than that. Just becaus I really don't want to talk about it. Didn't have a fucking computer for two goddam weeks. I nearly died. xD Anywhosits;; I think I screwed myself big time guys. BIG time. I should learn to accept that, I guess. Just the fact that I mess things up more than I make them better. -Sighs- I think he really liked me. And I was a complete bitch. And I just realized that well; I like him too. But chances have come and gone. I was too big of a coward to take a fucking risk. I just wanna burn all my regrets. And drown all my problems. Rise above the bullshit. AND BE SOMEBODY. Made crew for the play. I hate it. Meeting tomorrow. Gonna see what all this shit is about. I hope I get kicked out. whatever man. Till the fucking end;; Helena eat your fucking heart out.

Struggling For A Way Not to fail but succeed I HOPE NEXT WEEKEND IS BETTER. and seriously. that's all I have to say for this entry. next week. next week next week. better be 2394739487 fucking times better. or im slitting my throat. -________- Till the fucking end;; HELENA eat your fucking heart out.

CAN ANYONE HEAR ME!? This is something I have to do for myself Dear God, please save me. I feel so insignificant. Like I'm the last lowly animal on the food chain. The one that no one wants. And isn't good enough for anybody. No one takes me seriously. Everyone beats me down. And when I try to climb back up, they place their foot in my face. And nail me back down to the ground. They let me choke on the dirt. They basically shove it down my throat. I WANT MY OWN BELIEFS. I WANT TO LIVE MY OWN LIFE. And I don't want people holding me back. But that's exactly what's happening. And I'm too much of a coward to stand up and fight. The authority has terrified me. It shakes me, and makes me shrink back down into my little shell. There are so many things I want to discuss. I'm afraid of what they'll think. "Is she crazy?" "Is she losing her mind?" EVERYTHING'S FINE! Please, I ask no more of you than acceptance. Find a way to learn about me. If you must, try to put yourself in my place. Don't just reject me or my thoughts. Ask yourself why! And maybe talk with me. DON'T JUST SHOVE ME AWAY LIKE AN OUTCAST. I want your support and approval and encouragement. But right now. All your giving me. Is your grief. Your dejection. and your hope that i'll be something i don't wanna be. Till the fucking end;; HELENA eat your fucking heart out.

LOVE WILL KILL ALL Singing the notes of romance; LOUD AND OUT OF KEY LIFE OFFICIALLY SUCKS I swear. If I had a goddamn nickel for everytime I've either typed that in here, or thought about it, I'd be richer than fucking Bill Gates. WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON FUCKING UP MY LIFE!??! Honestly. What is so great about pissing Helena off during the day. And making her even more pissed later on? It feels like someone is out to fucking get me. And I really don't care how overdramatic that sounds. I'm fucking telling you. THAT'S HOW I GODDAMN FEEL. Current Music -->> Crank Dat Cavalry Boy;; I Set My Friends On Fire [: Anywho. I like how some days I don't like to explain why I put things in here. And I pretty much do that because those people who read it, and appreicate it, KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IM TALKING ABOUT. Blahhh. Whatever. Getting off the universal topic;; I WANNA LIP RING And I deff. don't think anyones gonna go for that. Really, I wouldn't be so hesitant about it if it weren't for my OVERLY DRAMATIC FATHER. He'd have a fucking heartattack. And then come back to kill me. So whatever. Life sucks. Blah Blah Blah. routine. TILL THE FUCKING END;; HELENA eat your fucking heart out.

A Bitter Taste;; I'll Fight This Again Tomorrow Ugghh. I've officially come to the conclusion that life sucks. Hooray. I finally found out. Meh. Oh, and I've also learned that people can be pedophiles in disguise. [: ahahaha. I really honestly have to explain that one. So, my mother is dating some cop-guy now. And he came over saturday night or something like that. Just to 'stop by and say hi' or something. Of course, he had to start some kind of conversation with me. Current Music -->> Escape; Rupert Holmes Especially since I was on the computer DOING SOMETHING. As usual. >.< Anywho. We were talking about random things. And like, out of nowhere the guy just goes "I HAVE A TAZER. AND I WILL TAZER YOU." O.o yeah. I was like... Uhm.. okay.. BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A CREEP OR ANYTHING, REALLY. Fucking pedophile. I swear... i need a fucking vacation. till the end, mates. HELENA.