あいしてる。

pornpornporn. a thing i have increasingly mixed feelings about. so it turns guys on to watch other people fucking..fair enough. But there is also something blatently incorrect about getting off on someone elses intimacy. I dunno, it freaks me out. The porn industry provides many men and women with seemingly harmless jobs. And i guess the cheesy plotlines help to create distance between watching two ppl fucking irl and two actors fucking on a set. essentially though.. the whole idea of porn still irks me. Maybe if i had a penis it would be different. Maybe its just that the perfect women in these pornos make me feel inadequate in comparrison. i dont know, and maybe i never will but until then i wont be entering/supporting the porno buisness anytime soon. (besides, theres enough middle aged males and preteen virgins to keep it profitable for years to come)

so. everythings over. i have nothing to do.. all day everyday. except sit on my ass and eat and search wikipedia (y) awsm right? wrong. boredom is not ones friend. it makes you turn to bad things to give life some form of substance. which is what i have been doing almost every night this week, and would probably be doing right now if could afford it. Its a sad existance, but at least im not bored. i dont like being bored. hm

so. one day until history azam it is 4:42 pm and i have not as of yet started studying as it is my birthday. People shouldnt have to study on their birthdays. It even sort of contradicts the whole purpose of birthdays. i hate exams. i am now 18 but can't go out.fuck fuck fux. Currently listening to Sarah Blasko's new album and Sam's Town by the killers. hm. need to study, bbl less go get fucked upp ..!

i met a new person yesterday. and meeting him sort of reinvented my perception that every living person is in fact a fuckhead. There are some nice, decent people out there, people worth knowing. But the real subject at hand is my future. which is fast becoming a pile of fucking shit due to my inability to study. I need self control and some sort of motivation to cause my to get a grip and start studying. i know the consequences of what im doing and yet cant seem to make myself do anything about, its a god damn shitty situation to be in. Almost a rut. except im not middle aged and not bored with my life, just somewhat confused with the direction it seems to be taking. doing SATs was a bad idea; im possibly the biggest loss of potential ever and its just going to dissapoint everyone i know. That is unless i crack and actually start studying which i could do , making use of the precious amount of time i have left before my exam.

"You've got the most unbelievable blue eyes I've ever seen" im obsessed with prison break. its unhealthy; its distracting ; its awsm. Im wasting me life away watching MiSa videos on youtube. Not the most productive thing to be doing when i have exams in 6 days. 6 days. 1 2 3 4 5 6. im screwed. English is a hard and boring subject to study for. i really dislike it. shutup. mi4sa

people really need to get a clue and fuck off when they are not welcome. ghosts from the past included; so go the fuck away and stay gone.

so i have just discovered the wonders of mugglecast the amateur (very) radiobroadcast of a bunch of teens rambling about harry potter crap. Its pretty lame and sometimes boring but beats having to think for myself which in time, causes me to merely depress myself. sad, i know. it is however, severly distracting me from what i should be doing: studying for my upcoming exams. and when i say upcoming i mean 3 days. oh fucking noes, im dead. how the fuck i think im going to pass these exams without the least bit of study i do not know. i have a severe problem with studying. i cant seem to do it unless i am under alot of pressure. for example.. the day before the exam itself. Im just lazy like that and dont have a huge amount of self control. i did somehow manage to get okay in all of my last exams and i dont remember studying HEAPS for them but i did _study_ at least. and this time round i find myself not studying but listening to completely frivolous crap like the mugglecast recordings. i offically suck.even right now i could be studying but im not; im grumbling about it on songmeanings. perhaps if i get it all out it might snap some sense into my disorganised head and i might ossibly finally knuckle down and get some work done. which might cause me to at least pass my tests. it is monday i have an exam on thursday goodbye

after deleting all former entries i have decided to return as i am bored/stressed/about to implode and need to vent somewhere inconspicuous. therefore instead of going to the awsm effort of creating a livejournal or something equally appropriate. i have returned to this wench of a website journal. I am becoming more and more paranoid and unhappy with existance by the day (however melodramatic that sounds) and pretty much am going to pin it all on drugs; because thats the easy way out and i am naturally... a very lazy person. so...the things that are contributing to my bored/stressed/about to implodeness: 1) my hair is completely ruined. i am v.v. vain, i like to have nice hair, it settles my peace of mind and normally i do but now it looks like absolute clown vomit. Plus the ends are all split and broken due to excessive straightening (FUCK YOU TECHNOLOGY FOR RUINING MY HAIR) if i calculate correctly this means if i keep going at this rate by time i am 39 i shall be entirely bald. so thats something to look forward to. 2)umm oh yeah SAT's in 6 weeks. woo my entire future is about to be set out for me according to what i get in 5 stupid azamz. Hell good way to ruin someones life y0. 3)i have 0 money, acctually thats a blatent lie, i have $39 :3 and am expecting another $50 by tomorrow so thats ok.. but STILL. money doesnt last when drugs are available and its fucking my wallet up. PLUS show tomorrow which means i will be buying a whoooole lotta crap while on some god damn bender, and then i'll go home, come down and go "why the fuck did i buy an inflatable pair pf scissors? oh yeah i was FUCKED OUT OF MY MIND" 4) there is a way cool hip rad party on tonight and my hair sucks so i will look like some kind of hippy retard that tried to dye their own hair with natural goods and failed miserably, but doesnt care because they are a hippy and are too stoned to know wtf is going down. 5) i dunno what else. and seriously cbf thinking of more excuses to explain the shitty situation im in. ughhghgjsggdkdsadccvdbcvnxvczcxbvzxvcnbvbxcMVCBVZVCZVCznxsdjsdgha@life. peh.