Does knowing you are afflicted by something make it easier to bare? Or perhaps i am not the victim of anything other than my desperate need for attention. I am nothing if i am not praised. Wanting a condition so that it gives me an individual aspect that is rare. Something that sets me apart from others, making me unique. Giving me an identity Making me interesting, making me worth praise or sympathy or any kind of human connection. i just want people to feel for me, because i can not feel for myself. How can you be numb. The emptiness is filled with anything and everything i can consume to blunt myself. If that is possible. No hunger, no pain, no anything, no love connection, confusion self loathing i feel sorry for myself and hate myself at the same time because i don't really know how i feel at all. I don't know what i feel. empty. Not empty but full of all the wrong things, full of sadness and little hope for the future. LIving inside fantasies and past memories of happiness that were fleeting and consisted of people admiring me and complimenting me over various things. I need those compliments more than i need air. My existence needs validation. Confusion between hunger and disgust at food i don't know if i love it or hate it. Comfort versus guilt. Not eating or disposing of food causes guilt. "how could i waste food, there are starving children in china? my mother went to the effort of making this food for me she would be disappointed if i didn't eat it. My parents worked hard for the money to provide this food." But if i eat it i will hate myself. I will become unattractive and if i am not attractive i will not get compliments so what's the point in living? People around me or better looking than me get my greatest attention because i will hate them with every fibre of myself for being what i can not be. I feel a deep deep seeded resentment towards those that are better than me and draw attention from me. Flash of jealousy I expect others to understand me / my mood swings / my opinions and reasoning behind everything because it is valid; because _i_ feel it. yet i can not relate to others and their problems genuinely because i am too selfish to understand another's point of view. I am the centre of the universe but i am completely forgotten and insignificant at the same time. Jealousy, mistrust. I trust no one completely not even myself, especially not myself. i Have more control over others than i do myself. My mind and body are two separate entities working with different agendas and my mind is winning. The result is death of the body. I feel like my body is dying. It's giving up, succumbing to sickness and fatigue. I have no motivation for the future, but feel such extreme guilt that i still manage to get through my daily activities. I hate people, and hate being alone. Loneliness makes everything worse. I feel like my life isn't real. Like i don't have to take anything seriously because if i fail i can just press the restart button. It feels so surreal. I don't trust my eyes because they lie to me, i don't trust my brain because it interprets everything wrong, i don't trust other peoples opinions because they are also wrong or lying to me. I manipulate others to avoid being manipulated myself. Being the brunt of a group joke is the most isolating feeling. Heart shattering. Coping mechanism is revenge. I am driven by revenge or the need to better others to fulfill my own sense of self satisfaction. Knowing my life is better than other peoples makes me happy.

Chihiro sat with her hands in her lap. She slowly opened them, revealing the contents, before clasping them shut again. She repeated the act several times before giving up finally. Standing, she made her way into the kitchen, where her mother stood over the sink, sunshine pouring into through the open windows. "Chihiro." Her mother turned "You're 16 now and still not helping with the dishes." She went back to the sink. "you're on school holidays the least you can do is help with the housework." Chihiro ignored her mother "Mom do you remember when we first moved here?" her hand tightened around what she was holding. "Oh? Her mother left the sink pulling off her gloves. Chihiro nodded "i mean, do you remember the shortcut?" "The shortcut?" Her mother lifted an eyebrow "you expect me to remember something that long ago?" Chihiro sighed and left the kitchen "Nevermind!" She called back to her mothers blank face. She padded up to her room, it was a clear sunny day outside but she didn't feel like leaving the house. Slumping onto her bed she stared at her open hand. Although Chihiro had had the hairband for many years it still looked new. A constant reminder of a unforgotten memory, or was it a convincing dream? She wasn't sure, all she knew was that the hair band was very real...but the story behind it? Neither of her parents seemed to remember it the way she did. But her mother was right it was so long ago, how could she be really sure?

GIGS IN YOUR AREA | SHOW GIGS IN ALL AREAS Friday 13 June + ADD gig Cut Copy The Juan Maclean (USA), Shocking Pinks (NZ) 8pm, Capitol, Perth, WA, $45 (+ bf) Tickets on sale: 24 April + more information Saturday 14 June + ADD gig Cut Copy The Juan Maclean (USA), Shocking Pinks (NZ) 8pm, Capitol, Perth, WA, $45 (+ bf) Tickets on sale: 24 April + more information Saturday 3 May + ADD gig Cuthbert & the Nightwalkers, Institut Polaire Bakery Artrage Complex, Northbridge, WA + more information Sunday 4 May + ADD gig Cuthbert & the Nightwalkers, Institut Polaire Newport Hotel, Fremantle, WA Wednesday 18 June + ADD gig The Presets Cassette Kids 8pm, Metropolis Concert Club Fremantle, WA, $44 (+ bf) + more information Thursday 19 June + ADD gig The Presets Cassette Kids 8pm, Metropolis Concert Club Fremantle, WA, $44 (+ bf) + more information Wednesday 23 April + ADD gig Pnau supported by triple j Breakbot (France), Van She Capitol, Perth, WA, $33 (+ bf) Tickets on sale: 7 March + more information Thursday 24 April + ADD gig Pnau supported by triple j Breakbot (France), Van She 8pm, Metropolis Concert Club Fremantle, WA, $33 (+ bf) Tickets sold out + more information Saturday 26 April + ADD gig One Night Stand Cog supported by triple j Faker, Pnau 3pm, Collie Football Oval, WA, free all ages

urinating small amounts more than 8 times a day/unhealthy. Ingredients: * 10-20 Dried Red Chilli * 3 tablespoons Salt * 2 tablespoons Black Peppercorns * 2 tablespoons Sichuan Peppercorns * 500g Rice Flour (Tempura Flour) * 1kg Squid (Just The Body And Legs) * 500ml Peanut Oil * 2 tablespoons Coriander (Chopped) * 2 Limes (Cut In Half For Squeezing) Method: 1. Dry roast spices (salt, both types of peppercorns and chili) in a pan over a low heat until salt starting to turn golden and spices fragrant. 2. Place into a mortar and pestle and cool. 3. Once cool grind with the mortar and pestle to a fine consistency. 4. Mix through the rice flour. 5. Heat oil in a wok or saucepan to 180 degrees Celsius (a sugar thermometer is the safest and best way to check your temperature). 6. Cut squid into thin strips (or score lightly with knife and cut into larger pieces) keep the legs whole. 7. Dust lightly in the flour mix and cook a small batch at a time to retain the heat in the wok to give your squid crunch. 8. Drain onto absorbent paper and place onto you plate. 9. Serve with some chopped coriander over the top, a bit more salt if you wish and also some lime wedges, great with an Asian beer. 10. This recipe works well using prawns or tofu – have a play!! serve with garlie aioli/ tartare sauce. :) yayy

Mix of Atkins diet and laxative weight loss.