...are 3 things I already knew. 1. When you're kissing someone who is just like you it's like kissing a mirror... 2. When you're sleeping with someone who doesn't get you, you're going to hate yourself in the morning... 3. What's good for your soul is bad on your nerves if you reverse it.... ...it's bound to melt your heart one way or the other. Thanks Jenny Lewis with The Watson Twins for the advice.

Tonight I'm emotionless for the first time in a long time. This is happiness for me. I wish I could feel this way for the rest of my life. Most of the time my problem is this, I care too much about people, places, things. If it's a noun, chances are I care about it, whether it's positive or negative. It kills me. The fact that a lot of people lack the ability to care makes life harder for me. I feel as though I need to overcompensate for them. It's tiring and keeps strapped into my emotional roller coaster. I gave Daniel a call tonight. I need to learn how to let people like him in. He takes me on dates and treats me very well. He's charming and well rounded, not to mention good looking. Hopefully he will be the point in my life where I end my trend of falling for men that treat me poorly. Hopefully... The show last night was fun. Mini Michael is a nice show buddy. Circa Survive was very strange. Correction, Anthony Green was strange. He acts half retarded, half coked out and doesn't really sing the songs very well even though he is more than able to. 14 year old boys seem to see him as a sex symbol, which kind of freaks me out. Moneen definately put on the best show out of all the bands. I love canadians. Neeners Inc. all the way! Saves The Day was good, but I wish they played more of their new stuff. Overrall I give the night an A minus. Note to anyone that reads this: Mini Michael drove all the way to Tampa tonight to draw on a drunk, naked girl. Please point and laugh if you see him.

I'm slowly getting over my sickness. The sore throat and stuffiness have subsided. Now I'm left with a cough. Coughing is quite unpleasant. It hurts and tends to annoy the person who is trying to sleep next to you. I'm hoping and praying that tonight will be the night. It's never ends up that way. I highly doubt anything will happen. It'll be the same. It might even end up being an utter disappointment. It usually is. I just want him to take me. I want him to have me. Why is this so difficult??? He was so affectionate last night. Some nights are like that. Others are absolutely awful. Moodiness is the worst. Am I moody? On a more stable note, I'm going to see Saves The Day w/ Circa Survive, and MONEEN!!! I'm so excited. Before the show Michael and I are going to Park Ave CDs to buy all our concert tickets for the next few months. Fantastic. Fan-fucking-tastic. Wish me luck. I'm off.

My nose is stuffy. My head hurts. My throat is sore. Hello strep throat. How are you? I haven't been sick in the longest time. I guess I was due. I'm not liking it one bit. Sitting still is not my style. It was so nice out today. I wanted to run around outside and wash my car. Oh well. There is one perk about living in Florida, everyday is nice. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel like a million dollars. I need to considering I have work at 6am, but I'm sure I'll feel the same. Deal with it Samantha. Life won't stop for you. Note to self: Don't handle expensive electronics while intoxicated. Note to Larry: Why won't you love me? Note to Cristina: Fuck off.

Minutes feel like hours when I am here. That little red hand on the clock moves slower each time I glance over at it. Boredom has never felt so boring. This is a normal work day. This is hell. When will time travel be legitimate? Men...you can't live with them, but you can't live without them. Which one am I going to call tonight to help fill the void(I wish a certain someone would call, because he is the only one who could really fill the "void" tonight.)? I fall in love too fast and too hard. I'm beginning to think I'm an addict. It's better than an addiction to heroin, right? Then again, heroin might be easier on my nerves.

...find something true, someone like you. My neck is cramped and my foot is swollen. I'm tired from the medicine I took not too long ago. Why am I still awake? Logic is left out in the rain when love enters the picture. I've been hurt and used. I want to hate him, but instead I lead him deeper and deeper into my soul. So many caring people want in, but the gates are impermeable. There has been a system malfunction. I wish I knew more about my hardware so I could fix this glitch. I just want to dance alone tonight.

Tonight was semi-fun. Don't get me wrong, I am still very upset about the past few days, but hanging out with new friends definately eased my suffering this evening. I learned that sex drinks are overrated and wakeskating will be my new hobby. I also came to the conclusion that Frances and I need to hang out more. "Good Deeds" was spent alone. I should've attended part 2 alone as well. Instead I watched my heart fall onto the Social's floor while he proceeded to walk all over it. I'm still trying to clean up the mess. The rest of the night was spent riding in the trunk. I decided that I would rather drive home alone with a knife in my chest than suffocate in that god damn apartment. Bad fucking berries. It's 4:30am. Brian, along with the entire state of New Jersey, will be here in 3 hours. I'd say it's time to hit the hay.

I need to learn how to be OK with myself. I need to learn to appreciate who I am and realize that I am important. I need to stop settling for less and putting myself on the line for people who only take and never give. This is a task easier said than done. I think this will be a constant struggle. A plan is needed. A change is in store. I want to go for a drive. I wish Orlando wasn't a giant highway. Sometimes nothing soothes the soul better than a back road drive. I miss Montana and it's nothingness. You could drive for hours and still be the only human being within a 20 mile radius. Everytime I drove through the great plains, I pretended to be in a movie. I imagined the helicopter swooping camera angles, making circles around me. I would always listen to this one Rainer Maria CD. I would drive so fast. In the mountains it was different. I'd pop in Canyon and drive like a snail, taking in all the night time shadows the moutains made, swaying back and forth with the curves of the road. I'd always imagined myself letting my car drive itself off one of those cliffs into the Missouri. My car would float down the river back to my house where I would watch the northern lights until I fell asleep on my front porch. I didn't need anyone then. Life was pure and sweet. I would give anything to go back right now.

...and it plays through my head over and over again. I spent most of the day floating around. Nyquil has a way of drugging me for a week. My pupils are the size of baseballs and everything I touch feels like candy. Escaping everyday reality is nice every once in a while. My room smells like gerbils. I have a headache and don't feel like spilling my guts tonight. Fin.

Tonight I ran. I'd like to run for the rest of my life. Start something new and shed the old at every second. The past haunts me and the future repeats itself. I can't seem to run far enough. I need to keep training myself to run faster at a greater distance. Soon I'll be running marathons back to back to back. Tomorrow I will bring him a slurpie. I will be under appreciated and feel unloved. I will go home the next morning feeling as though we've made zero progress. Why do I do this on a regular basis? All this wasted time at being so good for someone comes as natural to me as breathing. My selflessness is going to be the end of me. I'm taking 3 days off of work for spring break. I need to get away to a white, sandy beach, alone. My thoughts and I need a vacation.