• !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok. wow. that was a lot of exclamation points. but i am so freaking excited!! i was just fooling around on wikipedia, looking to see when my fave bands's cds are coming out. there's like one per month. i am so excited. blue october: march 24 hurt: april 7 afi: not sure, but there's a summer tour so i'm hoping it's before that? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok that's enough exclamation points. oh. em. gosh. i can't wait for the new hurt album. "wars" is so pretty. it just totally explains everything i've been feeling lately: about how pointless wars are. it's so damn sad. why the HELL do people want to kill each other? how can someone send someone else to kill a person? how? i don't think i could do it. i don't WANT to be able to do something like that. i am getting so sick of violence. so...afi's new cd...crash love. i love the name. i can't wait until it comes out. i'm like internally jumping up and down and screaming and giggling and going omg omg omg and all sorts of goofy giddiness. well on a slightly more depressing note, danyelle's grandmother died. it was so...i don't know. i don't think there are words for something so sudden like that. okay, it wasn't that sudden. she had cancer and all that, but it's still...i don't know. i was just chillin in chemistry, not paying attention, and danyelle came to class with her bags and stuff and asked to see me and she was like in tears and at first i was like omg bryan broke up with her (cause of all that shit before that i will not even get into gomdot i'm such a freaking idiot anyhoo). but then she said that caryn came to check her out and that her grandmother had died and then she just broke down and she was sobbing and i was hugging her and saying sorry sorry. that's all i really remember from that. like it's kind of a blur. all i remember is her face, all red from crying and her shirt, how white it was and her bright orange softball socks and brown. dark brown. it was all in the air around us. that's the only things i remember are those colors. dark brown mainly. a chocolatey brown. i think i've been reading the book thief too much, but i swear i saw chocolatey brown. death must have liked it. i wonder where we go when we die. we have to go somewhere. HAVE to. i don't think i could stand it if we didn't. god, or something like god, HAS to exist. otherwise, what the hell are we all doing down here, trying to make sense of everything when this is all there is? and how the hell can this life be all there is when it's so...fucked up? when the world is so shitty? how can we dream and think and sing and write and love and hate if we're just products of chemicals and neurons and synapses? there is no science for humanity. there HAS to be something more. wow. all that coming out of an atheist's mouth. crazy. but this year, especially english class, has really got me thinking about stuff like that. we were reading "thanatopsis" and i realized that i really need for god to exist (not like the bible god, maybe, but a god or something) because i don't want to stop being me after i die. and i don't want to go up into some oversoul like emerson said. i want to be ME. MY thoughts, MY memories, MY self. is that selfish? to want to keep your...you-ness all to you and not want to be a part of everyone else. i guess i'm just afraid that if i'm that much a part of the rest of everything, i'll lose myself. but will i miss myself? will it matter? what if that unity is so peaceful, so joyful, i won't even care? can i care? if i am no longer an I, do i exist?

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