How am I feeling today? Stressed, overwhelmed, in over my head, angry, upset, lonely. Like I'm a failure. I just don't know how to not feel like this for lack of better words. Exams are coming up quickly I might add. I feel like so much is riding on these tests coming up that I'm just a failure to my parents if I don't do well. I feel like they don't understand and can't comprehend how much I want to succeed and how sometimes I just can't. They expect so much, and I don't blame them, I'm going to expect a lot out of my kids when I have them. I just wish they could understand even a little bit of how torn up and distraught I am inside.
Anyways, another journal entry got me thinking about what I want most in life. Honestly? I want someone to understand me. I want someone to be interested in the things I subconciously do and the habits and faults and weaknesses I possess. I want someone to unconditionally love me for everything I am and stand for. I want someone to respect me for me. It scares me though. This is so much to ask for and I feel like there's just not nearly enough time.
This might sound stupid and ridiculous but I was so proud of myself today. And here's why:
So in study hall, I sit with my best friend and this guy whose a grade above us. Personally I just can't stand him. He's so cocky and judgemental of others and just absolutely disgusting and has no respect for women. So today I finally just snapped. (This might not be big to anyone else, but it was a real feat for me so play along ;) )
Me(talking to my best friend NOT the guy): I really wanna get a lip ring when I'm 18. I think it would be so fun!
Boy: What the hell? You would look so ugly with that.
Me: Right.
Boy: Honestly, you wouldn't be able to get anyone
Me(not thinking to what I was saying): I can get anyone I want regardless.
Boy: *Laughs* Well not me.
Me: I DON'T WANT YOU!
Boy: ...............
No response. I finally said something that stung and I was so proud. He has been talking down to me forever: "You're too pale, too tall, not sexy enough, too weird, a nerd. You're a whore/ho/slut/skank" or on the opposite days "We're gonna hook up sometime. You look really sexy today. I can see down your shirt, I can see up your skirt, your ass is out."
Its so degrading and just completely unnecessary. Why do guys think this is acceptable or okay? Telling me I'm stupid, to shut up, my opinion doesn't matter. Is it just me or are we backtracking? Hmm.
I'm just glad that I could say something (however rude it may have been) that hurt him. He runs on the thought that all women want him. But really, I think he is an insecure boy. His family is COMPLETELY messed up, he gets suspended constantly and in trouble almost everyday. It's almost kind of sad. He needs help. Fast.
So where are the decent boys? I have yet to find one and losing hope fast.
Wow, this has turned out to be a really weird journal entry. My apologies, not my intention.
However, life's good, despite what I say, I can't complain. :)
peaceloveDISNEY8
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