so yesterday bestie slept over but first we went to a baseball game. this guy was there, m, as we call him. i was talking/joking around with him and others most of the time. it was pretty fun. i had a great time actually.
bestie apparently asked him coming out of the game if he liked me. his answer: "i'm not sure cuz i really dont know her, but as of tonight...yes."
immm officially scared. i cant hide it, cant ignore it. my rising fear of love, being love, imperfection has arrived. and the scariest part, hes not even positive if he likes me AND ive only hung out, if you can even call it that, once. how iirraaattttiioooonnnaaallll can i be. the worst part; theres nooo one to talk to, except this journal, and people who probably dont care. gawdd this bites. i cant talk to bestie cuz she just wont understand, shes always been the party girl, goin out with a lot of guys, she doesnt care about true love when she can try them all. im the opposite i crave perfection. i want desperately that perfect first relationship. i know in my heart of hearts that i dont need perfection. i should just let go cuz i really enjoy m. but is he really different than any guy ive ever met? am i just so longing for someone to lean on that i'll just go out with him cause he likes me? am i stupid enough to lower my standards? my mind is goin back and forth constantly. i cant sort it out. it seems like everything i say is a contradiction to what i believe in or previously thought. rawwwrrrr. the one thing i will not stand for is ending up liking him and then being my damn shy self and not being able to even look at him. i dont understand why i am cursed with this state of mind. whhyyy mee? what have i done to deserve this?? what can i do to fix this?
this is not normal, i am a teenage girl, i should be boy crazy, which i am, and should constantly look for new relationships. the problem is, i hide whenever an opportunity comes up. how do i change, how do i get more confidence. i need answers. i need someone to talk to.
this is ridiculous. im insane and i finally know it.
peace love CRAZY
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